I Think, I Am A Loser

In the phase of losing. I no longer believe in the term relationships. Seems your loved ones are just mere fake - so disappointing. 

Stuck In A Question

It always gets back to the question, “What is it that you want?” Yep, life is going to throw that question at you in many chances. You will determine everything based on the answer, like it or not.

Yet, it is a never ending question for me, for I keep on asking that to myself everyday, and probably there are plenty of people who do the same thing, even until they exhale for the last time of their lives. Some people just couldn’t find out, some who are lucky enough would find their passion throughout their life span and be happy – once they decided to go for it.

Even though I thought that I already know what I want, when some of my friends asked me that million dollar question, I would rather think again and confirm if whatever I say at that time is true. Tough, tough question it is, indeed.

I know I am very passionate about education, leadership, children, humanities, gender and other social issues; there are still gap between my dream job and whatever I am doing now. Question would be in many forms: “Are you sure what you are doing is what you are passionate about?” (just like what I have claimed so far), “Do you have more than one passion?” “Should dream job become a mere dream?” “Why is there mismatch between what you are passionate about and what dream to pursue?”

And yes, I might get lost in translation when trying to come up with the right answer. 

Lost Without ....

People, or even I may question the quality of this relationship, but I can never deny how empty it is and how frustrating it can be when we are not together. He was just gone for one day, but I miss him much already, and I struggle much not to feel worried and stressed out.

I don’t know if what we feel towards each other can be called love, I forgot the definition anyway. I just know that we can be very good together in spite of our challenging differences. He always knows how to make me laugh, he knows my preference in many ways, he knows how to make me fall in love and he does that every time.

There are some big issues we face, and they are all rooted to different habits and upbringing, but deep down, we know we care for each other and we can be very comfortable together.

I really don’t know what may come in the future. I do hope we can sort everything out, but I can only be hopeful. If not, what else?

Staying Positive

Meidyatama Suryodiningrat once wrote about how the ignorance of middle class will shut out the lower, poorer class eventually. In a country when there are millions of people who can’t get access to clean water, the middle class in fact drink more from the bottled water, instead of expressing their concern and anger to the government for the injustice.

When I read the writing, I felt embarrassed for being part of the middle class who did nothing for betterment. I joined a lot of initiatives to create changes that I am dreaming of, but I still go to the malls sometimes on weekends, enjoy chatting with my friends, and talk about all unimportant stuffs, including gossips. I wasted my time taking care of myself, my friendships, but not to dedicate my time to teach orphanage, homeless children, or people who need my help as a teacher when I actually have the capacity to do so.

If people like me were so many, then what are the hopes for Indonesia? We are the young generation, we were told so many times that we will lead the future, but the real question will be how will we bring welfare to the people when we are too busy with our image, our own wealth, our own family, our own business and we forget those people that is powerless and who need helping hands?

Only then I took part in one of the foundation which objectives is to help develop young leaders in Indonesia. As cliché as it may sound, the program trains 60 university students across the country each year, help them vision Indonesia in 20 years time, and vision themselves in the roadmap – what will they be doing in within that period, how will they contribute to the country in 20 years from now.

Different themed-forums and fieldwork approach were introduced to these participants to help them improve their leadership skills, with the hope that they will be the true Indonesian leaders in different sectors in the future.  After running for five years, up to date the foundation has been able to enhance the leadership capacity of 280 students who have proven their work across discipline and initiatives.

Drowning in my daily job to conduct the program, I often think that I am not making enough impact I have been dreaming of. There were times when the administrative stuffs took over your overall ideation about helping students develop their potentials. Yet, when you got to interview them, listening to what they have done and what they have in mind, you will be overblown.

That happened to me yesterday, when I got to opportunity to see them in person, digging their whole aspiration and vision for the future, not only for themselves, but to their hometown, their country and society.

You may call them naive, or such, but you can't believe how many people will actually lead Indonesia in the future, how many entrepreneurs we will have in 20 years time and provide jobs for the rest of the nation. Job opportunities, I say, will be plenty. Innovation, I can assure, is one word that will still exist for longer time than we imagine, and inspire many people to lead change.

But then, reality is not as nice as we think it is. I can say, I live in totally two different worlds, challenging ones, especially because I can get access to confidential information about the intrigues that politicians nowadays use to gain wealth and power. You will definitely feel discouraged when you find out about the injustice and worst law enforcement that we actually implemented. Nothing is free from conspiracy, nor interests. The citizen is actually a puppet that will not change a single thing. It is a harsh and painful truth, but it is still the truth.

So then you face a dilemma between staying hopeful at one end, and feeling powerless at the other end. Which type of perspective would you then choose?

Up to date, I realize that I always feel energized to find people so passionate about their vision, communities and dreams. I just want to forget a little about the reality, and keep the spark of change alive inside my heart. The participants we chose to help develop throughout the program, I believe will be a very good investment, despite the quality of output that we can't never guarantee.

So yes, I choose to stay positive this time. 

Again, as Phillia always said, "To lit one candle is better than to curse the darkness." Why stop believing?

Give Yourself A Break

Looking at how people achieve success can be such a painful moment for anyone, including me. Knowing that some of my friends actually started to realize their dreams by running a business start-up, or even gaining significant improvements on the brand, spending each day traveling and presenting, studying for a master's degree, or leading a column in mass media, always made me "this little". 

I always asked myself a question, "What am I even doing here and now?" 

Working my ass off day and night, spending my weekend for work, for what? A big salary? Good facilities? Experience? Or none?

Well, it's been crazily challenging to me to stay focus with whatever I am doing, and keep a balanced perspective. I never feel sad for my friends' success, in fact I feel very touched. Since I am more to a self-centered person, I always look down to myself at the end of the day, instead of feeling jealous. I feel ashamed for not being able to reach success at this age of my life. I even ask if the 22 years of my life has been rewarding for other people, or at least myself. 

People get to lose hope very easily, I am of no exception. I would always repeatedly ask if I have been making enough impact to the world. And the patron I worked for told me that I should just give myself a break. "Don't push yourself too much, give it a break once in a while," was the thing he mentioned to me. 

Will I make the change I believe in? Well, let's be hopeful. Let's just keep working hard. 

Closure

As always, things get harder and harder every time you take a single glimpse of life. It did reach a quick win when I could celebrate and feel happy about what happened, but none of the things in life is permanent & steady. Anything is basically temporary, including the happiness that you felt. 

Yes, I did feel grateful the last couple of days. and now I am back with a lot of bothering thoughts in mind. Well, Gadis is never complete without worrying and overthinking. 

I am not sure if it's because of one saying my friend spoke to me about or, it is because of my personal relationship, today's disappointing yoga class, my friend's perfect boyfriend, or if it is because of my PMS. I have no idea. 

The only thing I feel is weariness. and too much of an anxiety. I don't care if I don't have a perfect boyfriend, or I can't do some exercises in my yoga class, or I won't be able to travel as much as I want to, I just need closure, without any clear picture of which kind of closure will work on me. 

Oh, Gadis, when will you stop this?

Quick Win

After two months of hard work, I finally delivered my quick win! Yes, the last weekend was a success, at least in my opinion. Everything went smooth, with no major issues. Guess what, suddenly all of my hatred for "the you know who" suddenly gone, for I was only concentrating in achieving my deliverable! 

The silver lining and the best things I have learned so far, despite the hatred I have in "you know who and what", I learn so much about being part of the solution every time there is a problem. Little by little, the "can do" spirit to take a different perspective and see more opportunities than threats grow inside me, and that, tremendously warm my heart. That leaves me with a beautiful feeling within, and I really hope, I can stay like this forever. 

That proves I can be better, I can change, and most importantly, life can be so much better. 

So now, I just want to stay focus in doing the right thing, keeping up the optimism and bring out the positive within me. 

I may now be broken, my body is cracking down and honestly I was in a really bad shape, but there is always a silver lining in everything you are doing, so .......... Thank God for the whole arrangement :)