Saturday, November 23, 2013

Finally... Feeling Released..

I learn to believe, that when things get tough, it is actually a way of God to let you get closer to him. This is actually not a new thing, somebody close has been telling me the same thing over and over again. However, it’s just hard to believe, because when you feel crushed, you hardly believe that God loves you. It is so much easier to just hate him and feel the opposite.

There have been few incidents happened to me lately, that led me to believe in that. One of my new housemate shared some of her experiences, the one that taught me to surrender, and let God do the rest when you have done your best. She taught me how to start having faith, when I feel really down and full of sorrow for facing a lot of troubles in live. Yes, this is an old stuff to tell, but when it gets to the right moment, it feels amazingly different, yet right.

One of my colleagues and friends, told me how she and other people surround me thought about me: full of negativity –that in real life translates into tons of complaints, each time for each thing in life. Again, this is not something fresh to me. It’s been dumped to my face so many times ago, through so many different people, but the impact has never been the same. I was heartbroken, in pain, but then I finally found the courage to get up and start doing things differently –and I really hope it is not temporary.

There was also a movie called “Letters to God” who told this story about a 10 year-old kid who had brain cancer but then believed in himself as the warrior of God –that gave him strength to be strong and encourage other people. It was always easy to be touched, but then it is not easy to take the “signal” into action.

But here I am, trying to grasp the learning and synthesize it into this writing, for I feel the urge to create a memory of my turning point in life –which will then force me to keep my way on track of this new life: A life with positivity.

I started to realize, that life is just too beautiful, and too abundant to just cry and feel lonely for. Having a perspective is a must, the one that will ease your burden, and not the opposite.

In short, now I understand why I should not feel discouraged, because only then you have the time to talk to the Lord, share your deepest feeling, and then feel released, for you know that He’ll take care of the rest, when you have done your best. ;  

Sunday, November 17, 2013


Feeling lonely is, for me, the hardest feeling in the world. And unfortunately, I feel that most of the time. I don't know if it's because I was raised in a rather individualist environment, including family, or it's just that I don't have stable and functional relationships with my friends and boyfriend. Well, honestly, I don't even know what's going on with me. I don't even know myself anymore.

I am just this damaged, brokenhearted person. Nobody seems to like me and be able to accept me for who I am. I am just an outlier, and too abnormal to fit in to the way people think, behave, and live. Maybe, they find me strange, I don't know.

The whole negativity, feeling rejected, and my broken relationship with you-know-who, including some of the broken relationships with my friends & once with my family members, I guess, wounded my heart deeply. I feel deeply lost and lonely. Almost everyday, I cried myself to sleep, just because I don't know who else to talk to, to tell my deepest feeling in heart, or my wildest dream, or just some stuffs I feel like talking about after a tiring day at the office. Everything is just falling apart. My world is crumbling, and I seriously have no idea what to do.

What is going on with me?