I have been trying hard to understand him. Not to blindly judge him as selfish, but to get into his world: how he sees the world, how he was raised, how he grew up till he got his position today, basically everything. Unfortunately, nothing really matters anymore now, and I think I know why.
He basically is selfish. He always thinks he is everything, he got everything, and he’s fine with everything. In some way, this is the way he tries to appreciate what God has given to his life, but in the other ways, he’s being ignorant to other people, to what people actually need, and to what other people want. I am included.
These whole time, we have been together, we share things, at least I share things with him. I sacrificed a lot, even my ego, to stop thinking that he’s selfish. Well, it is to no avail, Gadis. Because he never changes, he is the way he is. And he’s going to be like that for the rest of his life, or at least until he meets someone that can blow his mind away. Definitely, it is not me who has the honor to be that person.
To some extent, it is actually fine being so selfish. I cannot say that I am selfless the whole time, but this has grown unmanageable till I couldn’t breathe anymore. He never, for once, realizes that we do have problems to solve together. He never, not at once, notices that he needs to try to understand his counterpart if he wants this relationship to work. He never, not even once, wants to make me feel comfortable and safe and secured, being in this relationship. He never tries to do anything about it. In short, he has taken me for granted.
He takes advantage the fact that I am a true servant when it comes to serving him. He takes the advantage the fact that I fall for him and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. He takes advantage of my love and dedication. Just because he’s being selfish, or perhaps just because he never really loves me. Pathetic, I sound just now, yet that is the truth.
If he really wants a relationship, it always takes two to tango. He needs to do something and stop being so careless. He needs to know how the other person is doing and feeling and act upon it. He needs to care less about himself and start caring others. And he needs to put his counterpart, if the really truly loves her, in his first priority, because she is going to be with him for the rest of his life, not his job, or the other things.
So, taken into conclusion, he never really does, love me. Clear? Yes it is, as clear as crystal. A sad, sad news, but I need to swallow it now. I want to go back to the old me.