My life is in such a mess. I had another fight with my Dad, only after few days of reconciliation when he finally talked to me again (after more than a month in silence). And it was for the same old story. That he always forbid me going out too late for couple of days in a row, especially when I used the car. He thought that it was because of the car, because of the facility that he gave, then I became that kind of a person. The fact is, it wasn’t. With or without the facility, I will still go my way for I am a freeman inside. I do what I want to do.
Tell me I am perfidious. I do not care. No one knows my misery. No one knows what I am going through. Neither does my Dad. What he knew was that I wasted money and energy and time to just chitchatting with my friends. Even if it was true, come on, I am not a dumb person who would dedicate my whole life only for hanging out with my friends and all that. I know what I am. I know what I want. And I know how to achieve it.
If I really do not know, I would not achieve what I have achieved until today. I am not going to brag about my achievements or anything. But I have walked quite far to be who I am today and still no appreciation coming from his mouth! The only thing he ever said was that I AM A LOSER because I betrayed his trust by letting me use the car. WHAT A NONSENSE.
HE SHOULD LEARN HOW TO APPRECIATE. He should learn how to be thankful for having me and not the other way around like what it always used to be. I am tired of having a less-appreciative father who COMPLAINS all the time and never APPRECIATES. And I am more than tired of having A SILENT FATHER who never talks to his kiddos, nor LISTEN AND HAVE OPEN DISCUSSIONS everytime we had problems. I am exhausted of having a father who never gives any advice for my future career, life, or anything but cares about other people surround him.
I no longer celebrate Valentine's day, simply because there is nobody to share the day with. But that idea was obsolete and ridiculous, for I just spent the most precious Valentine's Day ever, with Jovi and Amanda. Started with eating her helper's cuisine for some energy (after I was about to faint due to stupid diet), we then tried to bake Red Velvet Cake with love :D Although it didn't turn out as perfect as we expected, it was our joined efforts and we felt special by it.
And to add the joy, we gathered around the dining table and conversed with Jovi's parents, which was, for me, the best conversation ever. We talked about plentiful subjects: Fanka, business, politics, and such. What gladdened me was that I had never had that kind of conversation with my own parents. The kind that parents gave their perspectives about life, encouraging the kids to choose a particular path of life, with logical reasoning and calmed manner. I was brought up to live independently, to decide mostly every thing on my own hence I felt so thankful to have the conversation that passed through the night. Hours of discussion did not bore me, nor bother me. In contrast, it awed me.
Well, in Indonesia, we would have said, "Rumput tetangga selalu lebih hijau," meaning thatothers' grass will always be greener, that we will always envy others for what we do not acquire. Yet, in a positive way, I tried to bring the subject as learning lesson for both of my darlings.
That we will never see how grateful others seeing our life, that outsiders and strangers are more than thankful to have the same privilege as we do. We might think that ours sucked, that we are dying of boredom living with the same old people, but in the end, they are just trying their best to make us happy. And it is more than enough for a sinful human like we are.
What a joy sharing with our besties, without whom I will never enjoy such company and lively chat. And to watch Ada Apa dengan Cinta together (until Manda fell asleep and left us), imagining Rangga (the main actor) being our boyfriends and those silly stuffs, were awesome.
Thank you again, Jovi and Amanda. Friendship shall never die.
How am I supposed to act normal if what’s going on in my house was not even near to normal? Please let me know if there is a Dad out there, who does not talk to the children, especially when he is angry with the kids? That he goes home, sees his own kid, but refuses to say anything (read: total silence)? Is there any? Well probably, introvert people who avoid confrontation would, which, sorry, but I would hate much.
Pardon me for this, but I need to say that problems stay even if you refuse to talk about it. It will never be gone, even if you try to forget it and pretend like nothing happen the other day. And so I am so, so, so freaking amazed with a father, who should be a role model, a figure to adore, turns out to be someone I disrespect, simply because his choice of problem-solving, that I consider so immature. I mean, even your twenty-years-old daughter can even think of sitting down and discussing our problems nicely when you can simply choose to hide from all of your anger. Isn’t that immature?
And pardon me again, for I believe that respect is universal, like Rain once said to me, that it knows no boundaries or barrier of age, gender, race, ethnicity, or citizenship, or anything. It only knows that people should respect one another. And that is why I would describe my Dad in this-kind-of-posting that might go public. Well, this is my choice of life and nobody should even judge me on that. You may, if you would, by the way.
I do respect him, but I have bore the pain all along. Sometimes I really wish I could have father figure that cares about my life, my academic plan, my extracurricular program, and everything I do. But okay, my Dad seems not to be interested in there. He is not interested in educating me with life-lessons and all. And for that, I have no objection. Probably, that’s how he educates his kids, and I should respect that. Especially I know the reason that he was brought up that way, with no Mom and rich Dad. He has no idea about what parenting is all about so I should understand.
What disappoints me most is that he never tried to be one. He never tried to be a good parent after all. He never changed. If you know what your flaw is, would you try to find ways to overcome it?
One might say I am too full of expectations. Again, pardon me for that. I have been looking around for insights. I have been looking around for answers, and this is the conclusion I come up with. Such a shabby writing, please forgive me. I am just trying to live my life wisely, in my own definition. Should you have objection, please let me know.
