Friday, December 17, 2010

heart to heart disclosure

These days might be the hardest days of my 19 years.

I finally felt a broken hearted. A true one.
As I might have told you in the previous post, someone I truly love, left me.

It has been a month and 5 days since he decided not to talk to me any longer.
To be honest, I never knew what was the reason he did that.

I still can't believe what have happened.
But I can't live on that condition forever.

It is comfortable to stay in a miserable way.
To cry everyday and to regret what had happened.
To take a pity on yourself, again and again.

I did that. I cried. A lot.
I asked soooo many times, why he did all of those things, after what we had been through together.
I might do something bad to him, but all in all, I did something good to him too.
Many things, I can say.
I might disappoint him in some way, but I might try to make him happy as well.
So why did he do this?

He knew I can never live without him, that he also needs me, but WHY?
I can never stop asking why.

I lived my days with misery. Looking back for the things I have done in the past.
But never found an answer.

Whatever I did in the past, I deserved to have answer.
I deserved to be left politely.
But what did I get?
He left me without any explanation. What can go worse than that?

For me, nothing.
That was the worse.

But then the best is yet to come.
Friends were coming to comfort me. One man showed up, and told me all of these beatiful thoughts.
Yeah, the one who helped me find my bb back.
The one whom I barely know and speak to.

He told me that I have all of the capability to be successful someday, to have everything I could possibly dream of, so that I dont need to cry and keep asking why.
Instead, I need to move on to a brighter day.
Thinking of goal of life, and leave everything that might hinder me from achieving the goal.

I really have no idea why, but those words gave me a new spirit to move on.

I might lost something, but I will gain something.
God may give me something, and he may take something else.
Anything I posses is not mine. Is not immortal.
It may be gone.

And maybe, he's not mine.
He doesn't belong to me.
That's why he's gone.

If he's really mine, he will come back.

So yes,
I did try to move on.

I am still thinking about him everyday, cause I think forgetting will not be possible.
But I remember those sweet moments, I kill the bad ones.
I just want to keep him in my sweet memories. I dont want to hate him.

but I managed to move on. I can live my day without regret and even be more thankful than before.
I still pray for him every night, hoping that he will always be happy, healthy, and wise.

No hatred at all.
in fact, I miss him a lot.
But I dont want to put it as an obstacle.
I want to be strong.

and I will be.

And you will be too.
Dont worry.