Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Bilangan Fu


Takjub aku pada kemampuan Ayu Utami berimajinasi dan menciptakan benang merah di antara segala hal yang ingin disampaikannya, mulai dari peradaban Jawa, kebudayaan Islam, ajaran Kristiani, hingga “modernisme”, di mana beliau menekankan cara baru memandang dunia dan segala isinya: alam, kepercayaan, serta segala yang metaforis dan spiritual, yaitu dengan spiritualisme kritik – sebuah bentuk perspektif post-modernisme yang tidak melulu memaksakan pemikiran matematis dan rasional akibat munculnya ilmu pengetahuan dan demokrasi ke dalam segala hal, terutama hal-hal yang memang metaforis dan spiritual tadi, lebih tepatnya ketika orang menciptakan matematika dan memaksakan angka nol yang silamnya adalah shunya, menjadi angka nol yang terukur.

Maksudnya itu kutangkap ketika dalam Bilangan Fu, beliau mencoba mengajak pembacanya, yang sebagian besar tentu produk-produk modernitas yang selalu menekankan nilai guna dalam mencari jawaban, atau tujuan, sehingga cenderung meremehkan usaha-usaha orang desa dalam menjalankan hidupnya, di mana mereka melibatkan penyembahan kepada gunung, hutan, dan sekitarnya melalui sesajen. Di mana juga mereka percaya bahwa alam yang mereka tinggali dikuasai oleh roh-roh penguasa yang patut untuk dihormati lewat persembahan mereka itu. Orang kota, yang kebanyakan termakan budaya televisi pun tidak mampu melihat ini dari kaca mata rasional mereka. Oleh karenanya, mereka merasa budaya semacam itu adalah absurd dan sia-sia. Padahal, oleh Parang Jati, salah satu tokoh utama yang diceritakan adalah seorang pencinta alam, kita tak bisa memaksakan pola pikir semacam itu menghakimi segala hal di dunia. Karena toh, usaha-usaha orang desa membuat mereka mencintai alam, membuat mereka menghargai lingkungan tempat mereka tinggal, menyadari bahwa mereka hanya menumpang dan oleh sebabnya tak diperbolehkan merusak apa yang telah dikaruniakan kepada mereka – sesuatu yang tentunya tidak dimiliki kaum modern karena merasa berbasis pada hukum positif, denga hak milik pribadi, dan kebebasan berpikir. Untuknya, Ayu Utami menulis, “Dengan hilangnya rasa takut, hilang pula penghormatan terhadap alam. Dengan adanya kepemilikan pribadi, yang dinyatakan dengan kontrak dan jual-beli, hilangp ula penghormatan atas hak-hak ulayat (hak adat atas tanah beserta isinya)."

Segala tulisannya itu kutangkap sebagai kritik atas kehidupan manusia-manusia zaman sekarang, yang difokuskan pada kepasrahan manusia pada budaya televisi yang membodohi, keserakahannya atas alam, dan ketidakpekaannya pada hal-hal kecil di sekitarnya (aliran kepercayaan sekaligus lingkungan).

Ada satu pesan juga yang terus menerus disampaikannya, yaitu bahwa semua manusia dikirim ke dunia untuk satu tugas mulia, yang bagaimana bentuknya tergantung siapa yang menjalankannya. Buruk ataupun baik rupa, miskin ataupun kaya, semua punya tugas yang harus diemban. Menyelamatkan alam, adalah yang mutlak dan kekal. “Nyamuk, bakteri, dan virus-virus sesungguhnyalah sejenis teroris-teroris halus yang bertujuan luhur mengendalikan jumlah manusia. Jangan tertawa. Aku tak sedang sarkastis, melainkan berkata yang sesungguhnya. Apa kau pikir manusia itu makhluk mulia sehingga pantaslah setiap jengkal tanah bumi ini dipenuhi pijak mereka? Apakah kau pikir itulah kemuliaan?”

Sama seperti bagaimana Pramoedya Ananta Toer mampu membuatkan amat terkesan dengan segala pengetahuan yang disebarkan lewat satu buku, Ayu Utami juga demikian adanya. Rasanya, terlalu banyak yang ingin kubagi di sini, namun waktu tak demikian banyaknya. Namun, yang terpenting adalah pemikirannya yang mencerdaskan dan membukakan mata yang selama ini tertutup oleh budaya instan.

Another Disappointment

Is it too much that I feel so disappointed with all these craps? I mean, no, I am not expecting anyone to take pity on me. Seriously, not at all. I just couldn’t think of any other way besides screaming out. I have been suppressing the whole disappointment inside and I want it all out. That’s it.

People who live in here are just way too egoistic. They care ONLY for themselves, excluding my mom. And it’s driving me nuts.

I do not remember when it was first started. I just knew that it has gone too far. And today is the perfect sample for the whole screwed days I have been through.

I am extremely sick, like I went to the toilet for 20 times already – the worst I had in life, and my stomach is still tumbling (I don’t know if you can imagine how it feels). Yet, I need to take care of my little brother who is facing his exam tomorrow. If he were such nice boy who can appreciate my effort, it would have been okay. But he is a naughty, naughty boy. He is such a bad liar and we all hate his attitudes. I really have no other words to explain his destructive behavior. Not only in terms of education, I need to prepare his supper and wash the dishes after he’s finished, and also the dishes from my Dad (yes he can prepare his own supper, but he needs me to wash them after he’s done).

Unfortunately, it is all worsened when my Mom and Sister get home. My Mom will go directly to the kitchen, do everything she should as a mother of three. She needs to make sure everyone is well fed. My problem with this is that she will yell here and there if something goes beyond what she wants, which happens all the time! So, she scolds me for not taking good care of the kitchen while she’s gone for work. She will complain till she is fed up, and it’s unstoppable. Therefore, what I can do is to help her clean the kitchen, feed everybody who hasn’t got his or her meals, including my spoiled Sister.

My Sister, every time she gets home, her boyfriend will call her, and she’s going to be very busy on the phone. I, or my Mom, should ask if she wants something to eat that night, and to prepare them if she said yes. What the hell?! But that’s true. She won’t eat at least it is ready on the table for her. The problem is, none of us is her maid. And I am freaking sick today! I am not fit enough to let her eat and wash her dishes – oh yeah, I need to wash it too if she tries to forget it. The one that she cares about in the world is none but her.

And I do it all because, only because, I don’t want to let my mom down. That’s it. I feel miserable seeing my 49-years-old mom struggling with the whole idiots here. She has been tired working whole day, and she still needs to feed those egoistic people, without a single appraisal whatsoever. Poor her. But her temperamental and busy little mouth couldn’t stop shouting that it pisses people off. And that is something she couldn’t help with.

Please bear in mind that I am not trying to defend myself or to project myself as the one who is right. It really happens. It will take the whole day to explain why one does such thing. All I can conclude is communication barrier. We barely talk. We barely discuss things. And that exacerbates the entire egoistic manner. None would listen while other talks.

If it’s not because of my beloved mom, and her efforts to raise the three kids simultaneously with her job, I wouldn’t want to stay. I will definitely go my own way, and pursuit my happiness.

And there were never be any appreciation, only disappointment.

If ever, I am getting worse, tomorrow or the other day, then I’ll be troubling everyone, mostly my Mom and I can’t bear with it. I just shut my mouth, take a good care of myself, and pretend like nothing happened. Yeah, it’s always the thing I did. Crying by my own, writing on the blog, and chatting with some concerned friends. But I am effin tired! Why can’t I be happy in my own home? I can’t find a single joy in here because people are busy with their own business, and never think about the other persons living in the fuckin house. I hate it. I hate it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Regretful

Such a shame I was being too stubborn. I was certain that I would be okay when I pushed my body to work hard, and now I am falling into pieces. Sick, again.

I just couldn't stand the fact that I am weak. And that weakness limits me to do things I like, to achieve what I desire in life.

Or probably, this is the curse or karma I have to accept as I have been running away from God?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Tulisan Dini Hari

Tak sabar aku menulis ini semua, walau di tengah malam gelap gulita. Demi tidak kehilangan momentum. Bukan momentum bahagia, sayangnya. Hanya duka. Duka yang tak boleh lagi terkoyakkan janji manis dari mulutnya.

Terlalu banyak tawa memang hanya akan menggilas hati dengan derita sesudahnya. Tepat seperti apa yang kurasakan sekarang. Diperbudak oleh kebodohan yang mengatasnamakan cinta, mengharapkan laki-laki yang sudah terlalu banyak menorehkan luka dan melukai asa laki-laki yang justru berharga.

Mata begitu sembab dan perih akibat runtuhnya air mata. Berjam-jam pun rela dihabiskan untuk menangisi seorang yang tak patut lagi mendapatkan perhatian itu. Namun apa daya, ketika hati tak kuasa terbakar kesedihan dan gundah gulana.

Hidup segan, mati pun tak mau. Kata picisan dan murahan. Sama seperti hidup yang hendak kudramakan ini. Sampah. Sedetik bahagia dan sedetik kemudian murka, atau lebih tepatnya kecewa atas perlakuan yang jelas tidak pantas ini.

Mengapa manusia mau dikangkangi cinta? Atau kebodohan-kebodohan yang menyertainya? Mengapa ini semua sakit dirasa? Mengapa?

Sepanjang malam mengurai air mata, berjanji takkan mengulangi kesalahan yang sama, kemudian berubah keesokkan harinya, ketika buaian-buaian gombal tak bermakna kembali terlontar di depan muka. Hati luluh karenanya. Bodoh. Tapi benar adanya.

Mengapa?

Semua kesenangan yang kau berikan hanya semu. Semua impian indah hanyalah dongeng belaka. Tak pernah sekalipun ada niatan tulus dari hatimu untuk membahagiakan aku sepenuhnya. Janji palsu, semuanya itu.

Kamu memang hebat dalam berkata-kata, berpuisi, dan bicara. Dan aku takluk olehnya. Tapi kamu akan merasakan akibatnya. Kamu akan lumpuh suatu saat, di hadapan cinta, walau itu mungkin bukan aku. Dan bukan sekarang. Tapi aku yakin kamu akan menerima balasnya. Menderita. Karena cinta.

Giving Up

I can’t do this. Or to pretend doing this. I simply need someone who can be there for me, to care, and to take care of me. I thought that’s pretty simple, but that’s something you never did, or you probably did in a way that I couldn’t bear with. I pretend to be happy, to be tough, but I am suffering inside. I have been crying many nights just because I am begging for you to at least take a look at what I want. But you never did.

I know I am happy having somebody to push me doing great things in life. But what I need is love, care, and support. I thought being rational is the best way. Yet I can never lie to my heart.

I love you dear, I really do. But I can’t do this. The words ‘I love you’ can’t take away the needs to be embraced and loved. It’s the attitude. It’s in the action. And I couldn’t find it in you.

You have been questioning my heart. But this is me, wholeheartedly loving you without ever saying so. But I am always here, forgiving every single mistake you did to me. Caring you with all my heart and soul, without you even realizing.

Gotta find myself. Gotta be tougher. Gotta leave you soon. Can’t pretend to be okay no more. Can’t keep up.

It's Complicated


There are times when I envy my best friends who currently have boyfriends. Well, although they have their own ups and downs, at least they keep everything normal. They can be very intimate and sweet, although sometimes hard and cold-stone, especially when fighting.

Oh, how I miss those moments.

I can't say I have a boyfriend. But I can't say I'm single either. It's just complicated. He's nice and sweet in his own way, but he's just not a boyfriend to me. The kind of relationship we are having is just too odd to be true.

I am not saying that I can't be myself when I am with him, it's just that we are too proud to admit that we need each other. Even if I did, he doesn't bother. OMG, I just sounded so pathetic :(

We have come to a stage where we claim we are sincere to one another, therefore we don't bother to interact like what most couples usually do. Yet, I begin to think, is that the true reason, or we just don't want to be trapped in commitment? Hmmmm.... Too complicated to explain.


Gosh, you don't know how much you mean to me.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

:D :D

Di tengah kegalauan, berusahalah menulis....Words change the world!

Amazingly, sebaris kalimat itu membuat pagi yang sebenarnya tidak menarik karena sakit yang menghantam, menjadi cerah dan begitu indah. Hahahaha, aku tidak bisa berhenti tertawa dan senyum-senyum sendiri karenanya. Maklum saja, sederet kata-kata tersebut kutemukan dalam email yang dituliskan oleh dia-yang-tak-boleh-disebut-namanya sebagai pembuka dari esai panjang di bawahnya, esai yang ditujukan sebagai kritik atas pelaksanaan demokrasi di Indonesia, terutama usai kejatuhan Soeharto dan Orde Barunya. Tentunya, selepas membaca "sedikit pengantar" itu aku kembali tertidur mengingat kepalaku masih pening akibat kelelahan. Dan aku pun meninggalkan dia di negeri nun jauh di sana yang sebenarnya mengharapkan balasan bbm dariku.


Memang kalimat itu tidak terlihat istimewa, apalagi setelah kuceritakan kepada Ketie dan Jovi, keduanya sama sekali tidak mengerti letak keistimewaan ataupun humor dalam untaian kata tersebut. Tapi aku? Aku merasa kembali ke jaman kolonial Belanda, di mana aku adalah si Kartini yang sedang memperjuangkan aspirasi sebagai perempuan tengah penjajahan dan menulis adalah satu-satunya cara untuk bergerak, beremansipasi. Tentunya, ini semua hasil terpaan bacaan Pramoedya Ananta Toer yang selalu mengambil tempat dalam masa-masa yang sama, jaman Indonesia masih dikuasai pemerintah Belanda.


Jika penjelasan itu masih tidak menjelaskan mengapa di wajahku masih terulas senyum bahkan sampai saat ini, karena sebenarnya aku merasa ada semangat yang diberikannya kepadaku lewat tulisan itu. Si dia-yang-tidak-boleh-disebutkan-namanya itu memang terbilang amat jarang memberikan support dalam bentuk apapun. Dan jika dia menuliskan email yang khusus menyemangati, selain berusaha mengiklankan, ataupun menyombongkan tulisannya itu (aku tidak tahu makna politis) di belakangnya, tentunya itu berarti buatku.


Dan tentu saja, aku boleh merasa bahagia karenanya. Hehehehehee..


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Too Rational is Not Normal

For the past few days, I have been stopping myself from writing, for such practical justifications: time constraint. I was so busy doing things that although I had a lot of ideas in mind; I preferred to suppress it for a while. What a shame.

In days, I faced numerous circumstances; vary from the best to the worst. Here I would escape my feeling, just like the old times.

I know I have changed, although I wasn’t sure which part of me changing. Right after I got back from Singapore, I realized I wasn’t the same old Gadis. I was different.

Yesterday, after spending some time chatting with Rama, I recognize the new me: the super rational Gadis, meaning that I try my best to explain every single thing with rationale; I count on every detail: the cost and the benefit, and act based on my calculation. If I didn’t find something beneficial from the things I did, I would definitely regret it. Indeed, I wouldn’t want to invest my energy or energy if there’s no imminent benefit from it. Oh, how I sound like economist? And I hate the fact that I am an economist, IN LIFE!

What really happened to me? Well, obviously I was shocked and disappointed. I claimed myself as the person who didn’t do such calculation, especially to my besties. In fact, I did. I was being nice, not because I knew they were by best friends, but because I knew they got my back so I should let them lean on me as well. Things I do with instinct, or merely altruism, almost none.

I know I could elaborate things I did, do, and will do for my society, like the campaign I planned with Ayuta two days ago at office, that’s part of my charitable doings, which I don’t expect something in return. But is that true? I am not sure if I really expect anything from that? Scary, huh?

Yeah, I felt inhumane. Seriously inhumane. Where’s the sincerity? Do I even have one? Or am I robot now?

I sense the flaws in me. I am completely disturbed now. Should I get a therapy?

I am not trying to exaggerate things, for God’s sake. I just feel terribly flawed. I am no better than animal, for real.