Thursday, September 29, 2011


For quite sometime I have been gone from here. And for the same sometime I have been facing difficulties re-adapting myself to the so-called-new yet old-ambience of my life in general. Studying while taking care of my application in the fuckin' bureaucracy as well as teaching and getting involved in competition really sucked my energy to the fullest extent. Thank God I still have time to sleep well, although some of the times I didn't.

Am sinking. In one way, I know I can do it while in the other hand I feel tired with all these dramas. Communicating the whole difficulties to my mom did not help either. In fact, she just snapped at me like I was not human. Why would they not understand my situation, for real?

Who would, actually?

FUCK THIS POST. I seriously do not want to post anything shitty about my life, yet I could not bear this anymore. I just couldn't. I just want to be happy like everybody else, but why can't I?

Too many things to do, so little time.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


The end is approaching. And I am still not ready to push through.
I don't want to say goodbye.
I really don't.

Morning Prayer

Definitely, I don't want to set up a melancholic morning, at least not today since today is the last day of my internship in the so-called-largest PR Firm in the world. But Jubing Kristianto's Once Upon a Rainy Day just did. Every time I listen to it, my imagination wanders off to a peaceful state of mind, where I visualize all wonderful things: my dream, my great days in the office, my Singapore time, my ex and the chemistry we built together, or else.

I just want to thank God for such amazing opportunities and privileges I have been given thus far. I am a super melancholic person, with exceptional degree of melancholy. Yet, I am grateful, so grateful to be here, to be surrounded with awesomeness (besties, friends, colleagues, love). Oh Lord, thank you will never be enough.

Jubing, you just touch the deepest and the most fragile part of my heart (I am not exaggerating things). The beautiful sound and rhythm blew my anxiety away.

My weirdo morning prayer.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dedicated to Hans Ching for the wonderful gift :)

Hans Ching, you have no idea how happy I was when I received the postcard!
I miss you, I miss Singapore, I miss us having great time together and dinner every Thursday!
I remember when we were watching the Pop Band without Instrument in Esplanade. And all I want to do is come back to Singapore and meet you all, our BH331 classmates and LEaRNers.

Oh, I really wish I could turn back time now. But I guess, we'll meet again in one fine day.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Welcome Home, Amanda Dwyniaputeri :)

Me miss you :)

Hongkong Cafe,
September 9, 2011
1 pm, GMT +7

Unconditional Positive Regard

Not so long ago, I would have been so insecure to upload the picture since it clearly shows how I have been at the moment : FAT FAT FATness. And I am so ashamed of myself for being so. But now, I gain my confidence to let people see who I really am, without really care about their perception for beauty any longer :D I think I should just be myself, accept my own self, and love who I truly am.

It was just a coincidence to watch Oprah Winfrey Show who did talk about how we should project ourselves as beautiful no matter how we look, to be scolded by "him" who was posted gone a while ago :p, to be given appraisal by Je, and to be reminded by the priest at church. Yes, I have gained the strength I needed. I just hope this positive spirit stays inside of me much longer than ever imagined :) :)

Special thanks for Jerry who made my day yesterday. This spirit wouldn't be there without your help either, for sure.

Love love,

Thursday, September 8, 2011


You were here and now you are gone. So quickly you hit my road, bumped into my hectic life and turned my cheek into blush. I could not deny the fact that you brought something back to my life, something that has long been gone, the spark I had for none for a while. You promised every great thing a girl would have known. Yet you acted like you were alien and I did not know you any longer. I told you I did not get you. And I was tired with the way you behaved. So there were we, fighting and got lost against the dream we built together. But I will let you go to find what you’ve been longing for.

Thought you were gonna pop up just like a prince in fairy tales. But you did not. And you left me in the corner with no one to hold. Though I am weak and might need you desperately, I could bear it no more. I am sorry. I wish you understand. Really wish you do.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Let's gain a new strength for the day!

If ever this blog can scream, sure it will scream its tiresome for accommodating my pique and hatred the whole time. I too have been tired to even scream, finding too much flaws in my life and soul. Even I can't believe how devastating this stage can be : feeling lonely, longing for somebody, and again, finding too much flaws in a day, getting stuck in extremely stressful circumstances. What a life!

Enough of me. Enough of my complaints. I should have been thankful for what I have. I know that. Sometimes, it's just getting on my nerves that I couldn't control it. And I hate myself for being so selfless. For being insecure. For being stupid and reckless. For losing my balance of life. And I can't blame anyone but myself.



Aku tak tahu apakah aku pernah merasakan rasa ini sebelumnya atau belum. Lebih tepatnya, aku tidaklah peduli. Yang aku tahu dan yang kupedulikan adalah aku lelah. Aku lelah ada di dalam persimpangan ini, aku lelah digempur semua problematika dan kesulitan ini. Aku lelah dihantam kekecewaan orang lain atas sifatku, dan aku juga lelah mencoba mengarungi semua itu.

Jelas aku menerima kritik. Aku terbuka akan kritik. Tidak berarti ketika aku lelah, aku tidak mau menerima kekuranganku. Namun ini semua begitu pedih di hatiku. Aku malu, dan aku lelah bertubi-tubi sudah dihujani pernyataan-pernyataan itu. Yang positif juga ada. Yang negatif juga ada. Tapi yang positif tidak mampu mengalahkan kekuatan si negatif merasuki otakku.

Dan otakku begitu kuat mencerna semua itu, hingga kini aku tak punya lagi kepercayaan diri, ataupun hasrat untuk bangkit lagi.

Belum cukup dewasa. Ternyata aku belum cukup dewasa, walaupun umurku sudah menginjak kepala dua. Menyelesaikan masalah masih dengan air mata, dan teriakan yang membabi buta. Aku masih terlalu lugu, belum mengekspos diri menghadap dunia. Aku masih menjunjung tinggi idealisme ku, yang sama seperti idealisme lainnya, hanya berakhir di tempat-tempat sampah. Aku masih percaya ada harapan di dunia. Aku masih percaya aku bisa mengubah semuanya. Tapi aku rasa, aku salah. Realitas telah mengoyak-ngoyak semuanya itu, memojokkan aku di sudut sempit ini, di mana aku terpuruk hampir mati karena tak percaya apa yang terjadi. Aku belum bisa menerima itu semua. Dan itu tandanya aku tak cukup dewasa.

Tudingan demi tudingan aku terima. Namun satu yang pasti, tanpa tudingan itu pun, aku tahu aku payah. Aku tahu aku tidak bisa apa-apa. Aku hanya seonggok daging tak berguna. Punya nyawa, tapi tak miliki karya.

Melelahkan sekali rasanya untuk berusaha menjadi orang serba bisa, menyenangkan hati si tuan dan si nyonya. Dan bukan hanya mereka, aku menjadi pelayan bagi puluhan lainnya. Walaupun terbatas, aku tak mau dihitung pas-pasan. Aku mau memberikan bukti nyata. Tapi perasaan itu cuma menjerumuskanku di dalam lubang yang lebih dalam.

Rasa sensitif dan peka yang berlebihan ini kadang hanya membuatku susah. Membuatku sengsara. Bagaimana tidak, aku tak tahan melihat si ini dan si itu begitu terluka. Aku pun menawarkan sayap membantu menopang mereka. Hati ini mudah teriris untuk hal kecil saja. Dan kalau sudah begitu, akhirnya aku yang berakhir merana.

Tapi aku cuma ingin membantu! Dan kenapa aku tidak diberikan kekuatan itu untuk membantu? Kenapa hanya hati saja yang terasa teriris yang aku punya? Kenapa tidak disertai dengan kemampuan materi dan lainnya?

Aku muak dengan sifatku. Aku muak dengan ketidakpercayaan diri ini. Tapi apa sih yang aku punya? Apa sih modalku memulai segalanya dari pertama? Apa ada? Siapa sih yang bisa memberi tahuku bagaimana caranya berubah? Bagaimana?

Aku bukan hanya lelah. Aku muak dengan semua ini. Aku cuma butuh pertanda, jika bukan cara. Lantas kemana harus aku berlari? Kemana?

(Curhatan minggu yang lalu)