Sunday, August 25, 2013

When 24 hours is nowhere near satisfying enough.

When 24 hours is nowhere near satisfying enough.

It's unbelievable what love does to people. For some, it is blinding, it even leads people to some irrational ideas, like for example staying in one relationship despite the fact that it destroys each other. For some other people, it gives hunger to always interact, to always get in touch, to always be close to one another. For me, well, love drives me not to feel satisfied enough even though we have spent the last 24 hours together. It leaves me with a thirst to always be together, to just laugh and cuddle and spend another hours of quality time. I don't even have any idea when I will aspire to be independent and mature to feel okay being alone and trust each other just fine. 

It is not merely about jealousy, it is more to a comfort feeling. I don't want to simplify and take an abrupt conclusion, but I wonder if this is how you feel when you meet your soulmate. A feeling that is indescribable but indeed very strong, that you don't want anything else but just own the world and save it for you both.

If it is permanent or temporary, nobody will know. Some might call it as purely in the hoy feeling. But I am wondering if that kind of feeling lasts more than a year or two. 

Reality check: it will never be enough and it may not be addressed well by him. So, bye, Gadis. Happy me time thinking!

Saturday, August 10, 2013


After my friend and I had not spoken for a while, we finally had the chance to meet earlier today. Just like other people would ask, she also asked me with a million dollar question: why would you stay with him after all he did to you? 

A tough question indeed. But to my surprise, this one good friend of mind happened to ask me if I stayed because of money. She reasoned that people used to think that way because they had nothing else in mind, or people gossiped around, and all that. 

It really saddened me to be punched with such question, because even I had never thought of using somebody for that, especially someone I claimed to have feelings for. I tried to understand her perspective, or whomever that came with the question, yet I couldn’t help but to break down having that in mind.

Do you even know who I am? Am I that low or shallow that I couldn’t afford my own living costs? I have been fine for the 20 years of my life with my shopaholic behavior because I worked my ass off. I worked really hard and tried to accommodate my needs by working. I have been raised with a very strict principle to be proud for what you struggle for, not for what others spoon-feed you with!

I do admit that he helped me much recently, but it didn’t mean anything to me. I never needed any cent of it, and I still can survive. All I ever ask was a true love, as much as what I have given to him.

Does anybody ever think of how much love I gave to my previous one? Even after what he did, I still forgave him anyway. Same thing applies to this particular guy. I love him wholeheartedly, and love is my kryptonite. It kills me. It drowns me, it controls me. It has left no rooms for my brain to invade whatsoever.

I can find all the money in the world. But can I find a true love? A soulmate? One that will love you sincerely, unconditionally, one that will hold you tight, and one that makes you believe true love does exist? Can I?

Why would people simplify a complicated feeling into something so profane?

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Unable to Breathe

People may wonder when I would finally be able to set myself free from all those sadness and messed-up-stuffs. Well, I even wonder myself. It is pretty easy to tell others, "Do this, don't do that, etc.," but it is always easier said than done. So, shut up, and let me heal my broken heart. Don't you dare telling me that you care, because simply, I know it better than anyone else. Nobody would ever understand what I am going through, because nobody was there. Amel must have, but then it was a different story for it involved different people.

All I want to say, is that, I highly appreciate all the helps and questions, but I don't want to be pushed. I still want to be who I am, and I want to deal it on my own. With my own way. Let me cry, let me drown, but I want to make sure I feel revamped afterwards.

I am mentally damaged, because of what I have been going through. People told me I am just being disrespectful to God's blessings, but here is my defense. I am thankful to have a mother teaching me about working hard to get what you want, a sister that is a role model in education, a funny brother to play with, and a weird but outgoing dad. Yet, above all, I don't feel a family, I don't feel like home being in my own house, and I hate it all. I always feel alone, and I don't know where to go, despite the close relationship I have with God.

It feels like everything is wrong. And just wrong. I always look up to other people to help me with stuffs, to accompany me, to be with me, to talk to, anything, basically. I can't stand being alone, unless it is for shopping or jogging. I become attached to anyone close to me, especially my boyfriends. I am being possessive, I feel like having them full time, which they could not afford, and then only I become annoying.

I want to be number one in their hearts, in their lives, just because I always do the same thing. I love wholeheartedly. I badly want people to do the same things I did to them. Call it insincere, I simply don't care. Smell so selfish? Perhaps I am.

Did I ever wish to be like this? No. Do I like myself? Not at all. Should I blame God? I don't think so, though. I know I should be held accountable for this. For letting this "disease" controls over my life. But hey, why me?

I feel suffocated in here!


It feels like yesterday when I forgave you and genuinely thought that every thing would turn out to be alright ever since. Yet, I was wrong, again, for so many times already. I lost counts. I am a troubled kid, I know that for sure, but I didn't know it was that hard to truly love and treat one gently. I have lost you now, I had lost you yesterday. In fact, it has been a long time ago since I could feel the true love we had for each other. Now we never listened to anyone. We shouted, we yelled, we stopped listening. We lost each other souls. 

Almost feel assured, that we should never get back. Nobody would allow it to happen, honestly. So, please, stay back. I couldn't take anymore pain from you ever again.