Thursday, June 20, 2013
Feeling so lonely and miserable. I know I shouldn't feel so, but I believe it's a process I need to go through. There's a tiny strong feeling that he's looking for a new counterpart, and there's another tiny feeling saying that I will be left heartbroken. Oh, why is this real hard?
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Call it a conspiracy, but today I met Amel after decades. It is worth the name, conspiracy, for I was shocked with our conversations. Never have I thought, we would discuss such things, even I never knew such things exist. Apparently, they do exist and she got through.
She got through what I have been through for a while. She was in the typical relationship like I am, for four years, but she successfully got out. She was in the same psychological state, same brutal attempts, even worse. Yet, she survived.
So, when it comes to one's strength, I am certain that she is the one to look for. I did hear some touching stories, but what she experienced was very close to mine, that I couldn't imagine how she got through. But again, she did. So I will be too. I can too.
Her advises and learning lessons got to my blinded eyes. She taught me about the courage and determination a girl should have. Aside of all problems, she knows I can be a strong woman.
Thank you, my dear sister. I am going to hold on. I know I can count on you too :)
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Pikiranku rumit, seperti hari-hari biasa pada umumnya. Aku tidak punya arah dan tujuan untuk mengarahkan pikiranku hendak kemana. Tentunya aku kembali berkutat di poros yang itu-itu saja, if you know what I mean. Yes, we did have another fight, again. Lelah rasanya terus-menerus diterjang permasalahan, seolah tidak pernah ada waktu tersisa untuk menghela napas sejenak, menikmati momen indah berdua, saling menyayangi dan tidak perlu bertengkar atau mengabaikan permasalahan yang sebenarnya itu-itu saja.
Kurasa, aku sudah kehilangan kata-kata untuk menggambarkan perasaanku yang begitu cair, tapi berkutat pada siklus yang mandek, dan tidak pernah meluas ke mana lagi. Lemas, pasrah, dan lelah. Itu saja yang bisa kukatakan sekarang. Aku tidak peduli masalah apa yang kami hadapi kini, yang aku tahu adalah bahwa mungkin kami memang tidak ditakdirkan untuk bersama. Kami, dengan segala kekerasan hati, masa lalu masing-masing, prinsip hidup yang berbeda, keegoisan tersendiri, dan banyak hal lain yang memang tidak dapat menyatu.
Ada terlalu banyak yang berkelumit, berkelindan, sekaligus bertabrakan di kepalaku saat ini. Ide yang runtuh akan pernikahan, kehancuran hubungan, kekeringan hati, perasaan kesepian dan tidak ingin kehilangan, sesungguhnya ada terlalu banyak. I am speechless and heartless.
Monday, June 10, 2013
It is amazing to see how people find their own unique ways to reach the same goal. Suddenly, I realized that we have different pathways to meet our idols, great people of the nations, or even those of global caliber. Though, I am not saying that meeting them is definitely the goal of everyone, but that is one achievement we will be proud to admit, isn’t it?
So yes, Boni has his own way to reach notorious people in the planet. He became academician but also political observer. Not only a to-be president but high officials, even ministers.
My junior at campus, Donny, updated his bbm’s display picture to the portrait of his day-to-day career as Master of Ceremony, where he got the opportunity to meet not only celebrities, but also bureaucrats like Ahok.
Jovi, one of my besties, rocked the world by becoming involved in a lot of beauty pageant activities. Last time, she hit Miss Scuba Diving International as the first runner up. There, you could imagine how she grabbed her chance meeting famous local people, or even from abroad.
Some others like Evrin, became journalist, a profession that definitely allows her to actually go some fancy places, interviewing a bunch of elites or merely great people.
Question is, what about me? Well, I am trying to figure my way out of here, actually. I can be Miss Boni, going everywhere with him and meet politicians or else. But is that who I want to be? I don’t know. However, I’ll try to find my own path.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
The fact that I am deeply emotional, there is no more doubt about it. I cry most of the times I feel sad, weary, touched and else. I almost cry seeing the funeral of Taufik Kiemas, a national figure who dedicated his life striving for the real nationalism, Indonesia as it is imagined by the founding fathers, but had no connection with me whatsoever. Not a colleague, friend, boss, family, nothing, yet I can't help crying like he was somebody I knew personally.
Oddly enough, I didn't cry when I went to Putri's house yesterday, praying for his father who passed away two days ago. I met his father once, I feel the loss, I feel their loss as a family, I feel the connection since I know Putri for quite sometime too. Nevertheless, I did not cry. Not because I did not feel touched, but simply because that the family was full of joy instead of grievance. They faced the circumstances with smile, with grace and full surrender to God.
There, they looked in peace, especially Putri, she was just smiling as usual and that warmed my heart. That was the first time I did not let my eyes drown in tears because I also felt delighted with the faith they showcased. It was beyond wonderful.
I never knew such surrender could impact one's life that much. Apparently, it occurred to this family. Putri's mom told me how she woke up everyday around 3 AM, praying to God, before she started her day at 4.30 AM. Does that sound like a really dedicated son of God? Yes, it does to me. I heard her story, got inspired but also felt ashamed for I was nothing compared to her.
Now, at least I knew what's the secret behind a strong family despite the grief and loss, it is prayer. And I start to believe in the power of prayer, that led one close relative to one song, that goes as written below.... (used to be my favorite song in junior high)
"Jalan hidup orang benar, diterangi oleh cahaya Firman Tuhan.
Jalan hidup orang benar, semakin terang hingga remang tengah hari.
Apabila, ia jatuh, tidak akan dibiarkan sampai tergeletak.
Sebab tangan Tuhan jua yang menopangnya, dan membangunkan dia kembali."