Dawn

How would you expect a 21 year old girl to understand the perspectives of a father? Or parents? Well, my very special man did expect me to do so.

Before, for me, it is never clear: my relationship with my own dad. I am a talker type, and I really wish, deep down, that he would talk about it. That he would actually be my "serious" dad, the one I can talk to every time I have a problem, the one whom I can depend on whenever I need to make some important decisions. Or at least the one who understands me, appreciates what I do, and starts giving the appraisal, because that's just pushing the two corners of your lips to different poles, and nothing is more wonderful than having your own father feel proud of yourself.

Nevertheless, none actually happened to me. As far as I am concerned, he's not that type of man. He's the type who think about monthly transactions. He gave me my allowance each month, paid my telephone bills, controlled me by texting and calling every time he felt like doing it, scolded me most of the time he's at home because he's an obsessive-compulsive man too. I don't have that much of good impressions of him. 

I do agree he's a social type, unlike my mom. He has a great sense of humor and interpersonal skills. And I do admire that. He mingles with people easily, has a lot of friends, and foremost he's very loyal. Yet, he does have his downside and several traits that I do not like and I should not mention here. 

So yes, despite the things that he has, those strengths and weaknesses, I hardly understand him, even the whole time I have been living with him, which is 21 years of my life. I truly feel difficult in understanding what he wants. For me, those are just absurds and impossible to have. So I do most of things on my own, we never had that "serious" talks so I made my own decisions, referred to him for some calculation (of money, of course), or just so I got the permission to drive the car or go out with my friends. That was it. 

I don't really have that father figure. At least in my opinion. 

This christmas, though, I guess it has to change. The convo I had with my very special man really opened my eyes. I am just blind these whole times. And I have been so selfish that I hate myself so much now. 

I don't have that sensibility or tolerance over what he's going through, although I must say, this I should blame on his introvert side when it comes to his problems against family issues. I forget my status as his daughter so many times, and I am considered too wild for my age. What have I been thinking? 

I feel unwanted, honestly. He never talks. We never talked to each other. And that is just frustrating. When I am seeking that figure, he was invisible. Now I sense this hatred going on in the house, and it's very tiring. 

What to do next? I have no idea, myself. 

Still, I gotta fix myself. Can't be this belligerent. Can't be this rebel. Cause I have been depending on him, without my notice or consent. 

Oh, can I say I am really thankful for having the very special man on my side? He always did this. He put my life, my soul, my brain up side down in just 20 minutes and that's make me go crazy on him even more. Gosh, I think I am madly, deeply, in love with him.