Christmas Notes

I used to ask myself, “What’s so different with Christmas this year?” Well, in 2008, I cried during the sermon, feeling lonely like more than ever, especially when looking at those re-united families and lovers. In 2009, I spent it with Edo, went to church with his family then spent a lovely evening at one of our favorite restaurants. That was one of my best Christmas. In 2010 and 2011, I was again, alone. Nothing specific I could point out for those two days. And so, this is 2012. What’s so special and what’s so different than before?

The celebration is indifferent. The same and common mass, just like another Sunday prayer, but in Catholic Church, with the very special man. We even had fight minutes when the mass was about to begin. Us, with those usual and menial consistent arguments. There was no peace during the first few minutes of our prayer, till he held my hand, and I could feel that I have been loved deeply.

We were casually showing affection to each other, until I burst (as always) when the time just passed 1.40 AM and I was still away from my house. We celebrated the occasion by having barbeque in one of our relatives, if I may say so. But then, my Dad is not someone who would allow me spend that much of a time outside. So I began to worry much. The fight kicked in. And there we went again.

Surprisingly, the very special man was so calm that I could feel nothing but loved. His words, although they were very “spicy” and critical, they were right. They were trying to make me realize who I was, what I did wrong, and what could I have done differently. Cliché, but seriously effective to calm me down and begin to wonder.

I couldn’t agree more that I am deeply in love with him, and I want nothing but him. I dedicated all my time to him and most of my close friends and families feel detached from me because of that. I know I perhaps could have done so much better, been wiser and rational in managing time, expectation and attention. Yet, nobody would have understood the stage I am in, the butterflies that had been kicking or the passion I have for this man. I know I have been away and perhaps there’s no good in it, or even only harms resulted. I don’t care.

This Christmas is special because I could make time to know deeper someone I am crazy about. That is just precious. That does not happen many times. And I just hope to do better next time.