heart to heart disclosure

These days might be the hardest days of my 19 years.

I finally felt a broken hearted. A true one.

As I might have told you in the previous post, someone I truly love, left me.

It has been a month and 5 days since he decided not to talk to me any longer.

To be honest, I never knew what was the reason he did that.

I still can't believe what have happened.

But I can't live on that condition forever.

It is comfortable to stay in a miserable way.

To cry everyday and to regret what had happened.

To take a pity on yourself, again and again.

I did that. I cried. A lot.

I asked soooo many times, why he did all of those things, after what we had been through together.

I might do something bad to him, but all in all, I did something good to him too.

Many things, I can say.

I might disappoint him in some way, but I might try to make him happy as well.

So why did he do this?

He knew I can never live without him, that he also needs me, but WHY?

I can never stop asking why.

I lived my days with misery. Looking back for the things I have done in the past.

But never found an answer.

Whatever I did in the past, I deserved to have answer.

I deserved to be left politely.

But what did I get?

He left me without any explanation. What can go worse than that?

For me, nothing.

That was the worse.

But then the best is yet to come.

Friends were coming to comfort me. One man showed up, and told me all of these beatiful thoughts.

Yeah, the one who helped me find my bb back.

The one whom I barely know and speak to.

He told me that I have all of the capability to be successful someday, to have everything I could possibly dream of, so that I dont need to cry and keep asking why.

Instead, I need to move on to a brighter day.

Thinking of goal of life, and leave everything that might hinder me from achieving the goal.

I really have no idea why, but those words gave me a new spirit to move on.

I might lost something, but I will gain something.

God may give me something, and he may take something else.

Anything I posses is not mine. Is not immortal.

It may be gone.

And maybe, he's not mine.

He doesn't belong to me.

That's why he's gone.

If he's really mine, he will come back.

So yes,

I did try to move on.

I am still thinking about him everyday, cause I think forgetting will not be possible.

But I remember those sweet moments, I kill the bad ones.

I just want to keep him in my sweet memories. I dont want to hate him.

strange,

but I managed to move on. I can live my day without regret and even be more thankful than before.

I still pray for him every night, hoping that he will always be happy, healthy, and wise.

No hatred at all.

in fact, I miss him a lot.

But I dont want to put it as an obstacle.

I want to be strong.

and I will be.

And you will be too.

Dont worry.

Miraculous Day

You may not believe what I am about to tell you.

It will sound so silly, yet true.

On Saturday, November 13, 2010,

I woke up so late : 6.30 am where I should have gone to Campus by 6.00 am.

Yes, that day was the day for Just For Fun Debate 2010.

I am the project officer so I can't be late.

I arrived at Campus on 8 o'clock then we ran JFF so normally.

It was a very tiring day, since I became the runner for the event with Nicko.

He was so helpful that day while everybody was not really that helpful.

It was very tiring till someone gave me an ice cream, as he promised me before.

Then I enjoyed ice cream after lunch, with Arif on my left side, Boby in front of me, and then Lesly came. We chatted for a while after I decided to wipe my hand with wet tissue.

So I went inside PAU ex (the debaters hall as well as the committee hall) to grab some. I left my handphone purposely and told Lesly to take care about it.

Again, everything was normal until I texted Lesly to ask about my cellphone.

He said he didnt have it. Boby might have it.

But Boby, at that moment, was sitting next to me. He knew nothing about my phone.

What happened basically was that Lesly thought Boby would take care of the phone; whereas Boby thought Lesly handled it.

I then tried to call my phone and it could be reached that time, but I didnt hear any sound of it.

I went outside to see if my cellphone was still on the table, nothing.

I panicked, I didnt know what to do.

Boby told me to tell the security.

I chose to ask the janitors.

Dang, they told me someone took it.

It was the siomay vendor.

Someone saw it, but did nothing upon it.

He was scared to yell as it will create ructions.

There it was.

That moment was the beginning of my adventure that day.

....to be continued....

I dont have the guts to tell the story.

It was a long long night. The biggest night ever in my life.

Cause in that night, my new life began.

I lost my phone. But I finally got it back. Through endeavour.

My new friend, Marison, I just knew him that day. He was the one who ate siomay.

The other one named Sadek, Marison's friend who also happened to eat siomay.

The other one, unknown, Marison's friend too, who happened to see the "incident".

All three of them helped me to find the phone. We started from 2 pm in the afternoon, looking for EVERY siomay vendor who went to UI that day. Could you ever imagine how many of them?

I said, I met plenty of them, and my friend Marison was trying to remember his face.

We used my car, we used our feet, moving from one place to another. You would never believe how far we embraced Depok that day. Maybe time could tell.

We found the one, but he didnt admit it. It was 11 pm at night. For 2 hours later, we tried to find a solution. I dont know what exactly happened, but Marison got my BB back. He didnt even bother to tell me how. The point was, I got it back. That was 2 am in the morning. The vendor did sell the BB to someone.

So you could possibly count, its 12 hours I spent. That was the longest saturday night in my life. I could say miraculous, cause, you know, there're too many points to tell. Too many things that I couldnt even describe. And I never expected my BB back. Cause that was just crazy! and unbelievable!

But on the same night, I lost my love.

I didnt know, and until now I havent known, what was the reason he acted like that.

He scolded me for I was being careless - in the moment when I asked him to accompany me to find my phone.

And the most unbelieavable part was,

he never talked to me ever since. until today. its been more than a month.

He was gone. And would never come back.

And I never know the reason behind that.

Poor me : yes,

I have struggled and done my best to get over it.

And that was just another story to tell.

end of the road

Although we've come to the End Of The Road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the End of the Road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Finally, the day has come.

Like it or not, the day like this will come someday.

And maybe this is time.

I can never deny that he is the one I truly love and care.

The only thing that makes me cry is the fact that love and care is not enough.

It's not enough to make your relationship flows well.

It's not enough to make it sustainable.

The writing is just on the wall.

Nothing I can do about it.

The moment he became violent, that day,

I realized that it will go to an end.

And that day became real.

Yesterday was the end of the game.

Crying is then definite.

Simply not because this is the end,

but because love is forgotten.

People might be confused about what to do tomorrow, if they were me.

I might not.

I know what to do tomorrow and the next day, and the very next day.

I know I will get it over with,

but I can't throw what is on my mind.

Last night, my brain did not cooperate well,

I asked it not to remember anything about him,

what it did was remembering EVERYTHING,

till I can't sleep for almost 1,5 hours.

I have lost my best friend,

now I have lost my love too.

What a lonely world it would be.

But I know life must go on,

and it will do.

It will always do.

Goodbye my love,

I am sure you're gonna have better life and better partner.

Thanks for everything,

and sorry for everything too.

get well soon :)

Today, me and Edo, we got to Brawijaya Women and Children Hospital,

visiting his nephew Evan.

He has been sick for several days prior to the-so-called-DBD (demam berdarah dengue).

We brought some bread talk for him and a piece of colouring book plus the colouring pencils.

He was sooooo nice and warm and handsome and cuteeeee :D

and so was his brother Benito.

Both of them were just great and passionate and charming and SMART little kiddos.

Seriously, they were able to speak English fluently, though Evan was only 5 years old.

He even knew what Collosseum, Pisa Tower, Eiffel Tower, Empire Tower, and their friends are.

WOW! What a smart kid!

LOVE THEM :D

get well soon, honey!

see you soon too :) thank you for the opportunity to get to know you today..

evan and benito

evan

benito

ps : they even have facebook account! what a world! haha

new inspiration

Today's inspiration comes from

...

Amanda Dwyniaputeri!

Yey, finally I met Manda, definitely without appointment. Cause appointment will never works between girls. Especially the busy one :p hehehehe

So she mentioned a lot about what's outside Indonesia, spesifically in Madrid and Portugal. Made me jealous, is an absolute thing. But what's more with her story is when she mentioned about how we should go abroad, see everything even closer, look from different perspective - if all we have been doing is stuck in Indonesia.

She asked me to collect money as much as I can, and so as possible as I can, go around the world, have a very distinct view about what world is all about.

Cause its really different from all of these times.

It goes without saying, that I am interested in this one.

Yes, travelling. Backpacking.

An interesting activity, has been my dream since I was a lil kid.

I am so full with dreams now. Dreams to go travelling with best buddies.

New people, foreigner.

New places, new scent.

New food, new taste.

All of them.

New.

Envy to those who have the opportunity going abroad for uni.

I dont, but I will.

I should, really.

Manda, you should pay for this.

I cant stop thinking even a minute.

Love you bitch :D

Gotta talk to you soon!

Shakespeare

Watching abundant of criminal minds dvds (holiday habit), I become addicted to quotes, especially from William Shakespeare that says,

LOVE ALL,

TRUST A FEW,

DO WRONG TO NONE

Seeing those words, I am excited to find more about Shakespeare. He blatantly was a prominent English writer at his time. You must remember some of his works, i.e. Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth, and so on. Moreover, he was also famous for his quotes.

Take a look at these. These are some of my favourites!

But men are men; the best sometimes forget.

Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.

Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?

To do a great right do a little wrong.

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.

What is past is prologue.

No legacy is so rich as honesty.

Love is too young to know what conscience is.

It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.

Which one is your favourite, then?

derived from Criminal Minds

G. K. Chesterton wrote,

Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist.

Children already know that dragons exist.

Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed.