Dissatisfaction

Feeling lost, shackled, unhappy, and passionate-less definitely does not generate any sense of comfort in living. While experiencing that just right at the moment, plus watching Midnight in Paris, I am drawn to a more bitter level of excitement. I began to imagine life without rules, life without obligation, life without anxiety, and so on. And so forth.

Why should life be full of these craps? We are obliged to comply with certain criteria to sense happiness in life. Studying are compulsory to get our ass to a considerate degree thus we can work, get some money, buy stuffs, and be happy. But why these rules? Why these steps? Aren’t those stuffs burdening us all? Not to mention the thirst of accomplishment, of respect from people, of achievements, and other drives that only lead us to suffering?

Why can’t I be free? Why can’t I follow my heart? Why can’t I enjoy live my own way? I am more than tired to follow the common train of thoughts people think are right. Why can’t I be different?

The Irony of Getting Older

When I was little, getting older was the prominent thing I ever wanted. Ironically, all I want to do when I am now 2o years of age, is to stay young. Because I am just too afraid of the future. I am just too afraid that I waste most of my time wondering what I should have done differently, or pondering upon things I wish I would have done.

Today, I just realized something of importance: that I haven't really found my passion. I do not really know the things I am in love with, the things I will not be bored doing, the things to which I will engage for the rest of my life. The years I spent in university, honestly, have not given a clear picture of Communication, of something I would really be passionate about. I like Communication, I like Public Relations, I like Mass Communication, but I want to find something I am crazy about, if that's not too much to ask.

Initially, I decided to go on for my thesis before I graduate. I wanted to produce something precious, that symbolizes my intellectual maturity and competence (if any). I thought I would just need to finish another 18 credits next semester, including thesis, then say goodbye to campus life. But today, I knew I haven't discovered anything interests me most to write. Issues come and go, some stick occasionally and temporarily, but nothing stays till now. And that despairs me. Even worse, I need to take more than 18 credits to graduate. In fact, next semester, I should take 24 credits, including the thesis. And so I feel miserable.

If I am about to graduate at the end of this year, that means I am going to take the whole 24 credits, including thesis, which will be more than exhausting. It is possible, yes, it is. But will it be comfortable? I don't think so.

So I am thinking of other possible solutions: graduating next year. But will that answer my anxiety of the late discovery of my passion? No. It will not. I still need to struggle for a topic. Topic that should catch my attention for around 4-6 months.

Besides thesis, I actually still have another choice, which is Final Project with Internship, which I assume to be nice. So I am thinking about going back to IndoPacific Edelman, getting some new insights, brainstorming till I get something nice to write about, and finally write the Final Project.

Yes, that might be an option. But that bothered me to a whole new level. I then continued to plan my future. I questioned myself again and again, "What do I really want?" What about Master's Degree? Have I found a right place to go? Before that, have I decided what to study? Those kind of questions were bugging me like crazy for the past few hours, then I emailed my lecturer who happened to study for her Master's Degree in the Netherlands. I asked her this and that. And to my surprise, she answered. She asked me to meet her tomorrow at 2 pm.

I haven't said anything. I googled school in UK. I googled best universities in the world. I googled Chevening scholarship. I googled too many things. It was so intense. Is this how it would feel, growing older? How pathetic? Worrying much?

I gotta draw and list down things I want. But I can't. It's just too much for the moment. I just need time to stop. But it is impossible. Oh, why would I need to care? Why would I need to grow anxiety within my heart? Within my brain!

Does getting older mean something like this? Why would I want it in the very first place back then?????

Holidays!

As it is about to be over soon, I would like to immortalize my memories of these special holidays season. And the award goes to the trip with sk1ny to Bali, Gili, Lombok, and to Bali again. Problems were there, yet the happiness prevailed. Hence I want to thank Yovita Ayu Liwanuru, Saraswati Ratnanggana, Patricia Andika, and Fany Nasution for all the laughs, and jokes, and stupidity, and craziness.

Special thanks for Jovi and Fany for your sophisticated camera that captured every sweet moment we had been through.

Love you guys!

To My Beloved Friend, Angelina Yofanka

Whenever you take absence in writing, it will take some time for you to get back on your feet again. You will lose both the ability and the interest to write. That is what happens to me after gone for a month now. It feels so difficult to start writing again, although my heart and my brain were yelling out some thoughts, ideas, and feelings. So I guess this time I force myself not to run away any longer.

I have never experienced such a loss of a close friend, until recently my close friend Angelina Yofanka passed away through such tragedy. I wouldn’t go into details for I feel more than exhausted going through the same misery, anxiety, and questions all over again. What’s in the past stays there. What matters now is that she’s gone, leaving her loving family and friends, and inevitably leaving me with things to ponder upon.

She was a very wonderful person. Words may not be able to express my gratitude over the opportunity to get to know her from the very start in high school, spend so many times together, join a lot of class and organization, travel to a number of places, even find each other a boyfriend (or two :p). She was amazing. A true spirited girl who always lighted even the darkest situation. Passionate about life, full of dream, a high achiever, smart-ass kid who never studied to get the right score, which sometimes discomfort many people in a good way. Not to mention, she was so damn pretty that many guys chased after her. So yes, she had everything people would be jealous of. Yet, now she left in a very young age of 19. In rather a blink of an eye.

The question “Why her?” is a never-ending question people would ask. And is a never-ending question we would not be able to answer. But the most important thing right now is not to keep asking that, but to ask ourselves whether we have done the right thing over our lives, I reckon.

Like Fanka always said,

“Life is short, live well”

She has proven how life is supposed to be filled with good things, that time is so precious that we should never waste. Thus we should again ask ourselves, have we exerted ourselves to be a good person after all?

We will never know when we will die. Unanticipated, God will come over and take our souls, before we even realize. Life is rather short, life is rather short. God has chosen our beloved friend, Fanka to remind us to use the short period of time to contemplate what we have become and what we will become in the future. I really hope many lives would be different out of the incident that our friend had to experience. It should be a very good lesson for us all.

Dear Fanka, many thanks for every little detail we shared. You had been such an amazing friend and lover. I love you every day. And I pray that you will enjoy your paradise up there. Laugh, as you always did, darling.

Love,

Gadis

The Meaning of My Name

I got this website reference from my friend, Rangga Husnaprawira who tested himself and posted it in his blog. And to my surprise, the result was awesome. Amazingly, it's true. For you who want to try, visit http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

And here is the result when I entered my name, they gave me its meaning..

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.

You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

The Right Description

The roller coaster is my life;

life is a fast, dizzying game;

life is a parachute jump;

it's taking chances,

falling over and getting up again;

it's mountaineering;

it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself

and to feel angry and dissatisfied

when you don't manage it.

-Paulo Coelho in Eleven Minutes-

The Most Un-Anticipated New Year Surprise

Last night was totally a surprise, our most spontaneous new year of all. Manda popped up to accompany me - when I was to enjoy new year only with Alda, Clara, and Mas Wicak - and it was like 2011 new year's eve all over again. All feelings blurted out so quality time took its moment. Yet, this year the fireworks filled the sky with every hope and wish for the following year. We hugged and tied our hearts, promising to celebrate it altogether next year. But the night was not over yet. Rama and Ghazi suddenly came to pump it all even harder.

There were we, staying awake the whole night, until the sun rose up and officially welcomed the new day of the year. I never expected that we would end up like that. Unexpected surprise. Although I was feeling dizzy afterwards, I never regretted what we did, cause I could really feel the love all around me. Finally, I felt relieved after the whole grudge inside the heart.

Hopefully, we would start the year with positivity and smile. Hopefully, I would.

Amanda and Alda, I could never thank you all for such love and loyalty. Bunch of thanks for the endless friendship, for the sacrifice, and for every good thing you both brought to my life. I can only say that I love you, from the deepest part of my heart.

Rama, Ghazi, Clara, and Mas Wicak, thank you for sharing the party with me.

Btw, HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE.