Too Rational is Not Normal

For the past few days, I have been stopping myself from writing, for such practical justifications: time constraint. I was so busy doing things that although I had a lot of ideas in mind; I preferred to suppress it for a while. What a shame.

In days, I faced numerous circumstances; vary from the best to the worst. Here I would escape my feeling, just like the old times.

I know I have changed, although I wasn’t sure which part of me changing. Right after I got back from Singapore, I realized I wasn’t the same old Gadis. I was different.

Yesterday, after spending some time chatting with Rama, I recognize the new me: the super rational Gadis, meaning that I try my best to explain every single thing with rationale; I count on every detail: the cost and the benefit, and act based on my calculation. If I didn’t find something beneficial from the things I did, I would definitely regret it. Indeed, I wouldn’t want to invest my energy or energy if there’s no imminent benefit from it. Oh, how I sound like economist? And I hate the fact that I am an economist, IN LIFE!

What really happened to me? Well, obviously I was shocked and disappointed. I claimed myself as the person who didn’t do such calculation, especially to my besties. In fact, I did. I was being nice, not because I knew they were by best friends, but because I knew they got my back so I should let them lean on me as well. Things I do with instinct, or merely altruism, almost none.

I know I could elaborate things I did, do, and will do for my society, like the campaign I planned with Ayuta two days ago at office, that’s part of my charitable doings, which I don’t expect something in return. But is that true? I am not sure if I really expect anything from that? Scary, huh?

Yeah, I felt inhumane. Seriously inhumane. Where’s the sincerity? Do I even have one? Or am I robot now?

I sense the flaws in me. I am completely disturbed now. Should I get a therapy?

I am not trying to exaggerate things, for God’s sake. I just feel terribly flawed. I am no better than animal, for real.