Perbedaan yang Melegakan

Ada yang berbeda dari natal kali ini. Waktu terasa berlalu begitu cepat, terlalu banyak hal yang berubah, yang bahkan kepalaku tidak mampu lagi memprosesnya. 

Satu hal yang pasti adalah anugerah dari Tuhan yang terus mengalir, terlepas dari kondisi yang kami alami sekeluarga. 

Hari ini saya menyadari betapa berharganya keluarga. Betapa mahalnya kebersamaan. 

Natal telah berubah dari sebuah momen perayaan, kepada momen refleksi. Titik kedewasaan di mana saya tidak lagi sibuk memikirkan hadiah, atau makan malam mewah. 

Justru apa yang salah, apa yang benat, apa yang perlu saya perbaiki dan lakukan ke depan --itulah yang jadi fokus dalam natal kali ini.

Merasakan bagaimana sesungguhnya Tuhan berusaha mengetuk hati saya, merelakan diri untuk menjadi manusia demi menggandeng tangan saya melewati masa-masa yang sulit. 

Menjadi kekasih yang setia, yang tidak lekang oleh waktu, dan sebaliknya menawarkan kekekalan.

Natal kali ini memang tidak didekasikan untuk gemerlap yang tidak perlu, tetapi justru ketika kesederhanaan itu muncul, di situlah saya merasakan betul sentuhan kasih Tuhan yang tiada tara. Sukacita yang sesungguhnya.

Ada begitu banyak momen kehilangan, sakit, penderitaan, dan lainnya. Tapi semua yang terjadi hanyalah menguatkan saya untuk menerima dan berserah.

Jujur, saya masih ingin terus bertanya apa yang benar-benar terjadi pada hidup saya sekeluarga. Mengapa hal ini dan itu terjadi, dan bukan hal lain yang lebih menyenangkan. Mengapa juga saya sampai pada titik ini. 

Tapi saya belajar untuk meyakini penyertaan Tuhan yang tidak kenal lelah. Dan mensyukuri semua itu. 

Terima kasih, Tuhan, untuk satu tahun yang penuh pelajaran penting. Terima kasih untuk kesetiaan yang begitu rupa, pengasihan yang tidak pernah habis.

Ubahlah hidup saya untuk menjadi lebih berarti. 

Uneasy

People would say that it is easy to forget people who treated you bad. I would definitely argue for the opposite. People do things for reasons, the ones that we might have no clue about. And they are just human after all. They did mistakes. They did good things too after all. So it is totally never easy to forget, even after you have forgiven.

R

I wish I could turn back time, undo every little detail that hurt people, especially this guy. I don't know if things would have been different, but I am regretful. 

Ruang Hampa

Aku tidak tahu Tuhan ada di mana, pun kebenaran. Aku mengarungi ruang-ruang hampa tanpa tahu akan ke mana. Hancur, terluka, tapi tidak tahu juga harus berbuat apa. Siapa sebenarnya aku? Siapa sebenarnya dia? Apa yang sesungguhnya terjadi? Kenapa semuanya berantakan seperti ini?

Kebenaran hanyalah segenggam  angin yang tak pasti. Tidak ada yang benar-benar bisa menceritakannya, atau mengakuisisi keabsahannya. Hanya Dia yang tahu. Hanya Dia yang mengerti. Dan aku harus tetap bergulat dengan nasibku, yang serba terombang-ambing.

Thank You for Being You

It has been proven, how things go well when you have positive mindset and attitude towards them. At least, in my experience, I was always focused on the half-empty part, that even when good things happened, I thought they were just too good to be true -and I needed it to be alerted. What happened next was totally what I had been worrying about. Either things gone silly, or bad, even worse or worst. 

But now, that I am trying to see the brighter side in things, I can feel blessed. I feel very thankful to have a friend that will show up late at night just to listen to me rumbling about whatever I have in mind, especially after not meeting her for so many months. She would just come and listen and give some careful inputs.

And that, is definitely enough for me. I never asked for more. The thing with life is that I feel alone most of the time. Maybe to be correct, I feel lonely. Now? Not anymore. Having someone to listen is more than enough. 

Having someone to care is better than best. Yes, things are tough. Loneliness is still there, for a broken relationship was never an easy fix. Yet, at least, when you know someone is actually there, caring, you never need more.

You know who you are. Thank you for being you.

Luapan

Ada kekecewaan yang nyata, sekaligus ketidakrelaan yang pasti pada perpisahan kali ini. Meskipun semua perasaan ini bukan sesuatu yang baru lagi, tetapi semuanya selalu sulit untuk dijalani. Karena sesungguhnya persoalan ini bukanlah perkara suka atau tidak suka, sayang atau tidak sayang, cinta atau tidak cinta. Perkara yang sebenar-benarnya adalah soal belajar menggunakan logika dan menghadapi kenyataan. 

Bahwa sesungguhnya ada hal di dunia ini yang tidak pernah bisa kita paksakan. Ada hal di dunia ini yang tidak bisa kita tutup-tutupi. Ada hal yang memang hanya perlu dihadapi dan diterima. Dan itu yang benar-benar menganggu saya kali ini. Tentu saya tidak dengan mudah bisa menerima fakta bahwa hampir dua setengah tahun belakangan berlalu sia-sia begitu saja. Tidak mudah bagi saya untuk bisa menerima fakta bahwa kekuatan cinta tidak mampu menyelesaikan segala persoalan yang ada. Tidak mudah juga untuk belajar menerima sesuatu yang tidak kita sukai. Berpisah, merelakan, dan menyerahkan diri pada kuasa yang lebih besar, hal-hal itu tidak pernah mudah untuk dilakukan. 

Dan itu jugalah yang hingga sekarang menghinggapi pikiran saya, mungkin juga untuk beberapa waktu ke depan. Saya perlu belajar menerima, meskipun tidak rela. Saya perlu belajar memahami, meskipun ada rasa kecewa. 

Sama juga dengan apa yang saya inginkan pada dirinya. Saya memahami betul apa yang ada di dalam pikirannya, apa yang dirasakannya, yang mungkin tidak kurang ataupun lebih dari yang saya rasakan: ketidakrelaan. Merasa begitu banyak hal yang telah dikorbankan, tidak pernah mudah bagi salah satu dari kami untuk kemudian membiarkan semuanya berlalu begitu saja, tanpa balasan, tanpa hukuman, tanpa kekecewaan, dsb. 

Tapi apa lagi yang bisa kita lakukan? Setiap manusia punya batasan. Batasan itu yang perlu kita hargai. Setiap manusia punya pilihan. Pilihan itu yang harus kita hargai. Karena hubungan bukanlah melulu masalah perasaan, tetapi kemampuan menilik persoalan, dan menghadapinya dengan kepala dingin. 

Pemaksaan hanya akan berujung pada sakit hati yang tidak karuan. Pemaksaan hanya akan berujung pada ketiadaan. Luka hanya akan bertambah besar. 

Ingin rasanya saya meneriakkan semua perasaan saya kepada langit. Berharap bahwa dia yang di seberang sana bisa mengerti lebih dalam, dan tidak menghakimi dalam dendam. Karena pada akhirnya, hidup butuh perjuangan. Bahkan cinta, butuh diperjuangkan. Hingga titik tertentu yang masuk akal. 

Saya rela mati untuk kebenaran. 

Broken.

Broken. That's it. That's the only way to describe myself at this point of my life. My whole body is just painful, but also my heart. Surely, that has impacted my mood thus far. There's no joy in working, there's no spirit in any activity. All I ever want to do now is to sleep, cry and weep. I don't know how I could let all these happened to me. I was trying my best to be strong, come to the office with a fake smile and just enjoy. None of those apparently succeeded. I hardly finish anything I am supposed to work on. I am just this brainless lady who came to the office for nothing. 

All, only to prove to myself that I can do it. I can survive. I am not a weak person. I am not going to wither. Not even once. However, apparently, I am struggling here. What a terrible, terrible feeling. 

Apparently

I am totally screwed. I need professional help.

The Year of Learning

It may be weird when new year is coming in two weeks, but you already make a list of things to write about. Learning from the past year, resolution for the upcoming year, fears and aspirations --are just some of the things I feel so eager to jot down immediately. And what could be better than a me-time after finishing the workload for the day, feeling so relaxed but the time doesn't fly that fast. 

So yes, I am gonna start with what had happened throughout the whole year: 2013. A tough, tough year indeed. There are three big achievements this year: graduating from university (after the 4 years journey), securing one job that is in line with my passion in people's development, and perhaps meeting a number of extraordinary people to learn from (which translates into the ability to look at myself in a totally new angle). 

For that, there is nobody I can thank for more than the Almighty, for the most wonderful plan he had made throughout this year. And I would also like to thank everyone that made the journey as both bumpy yet amazing. 

Here, I would like to also take notes on the biggest learning thus far. First, is on leadership. Getting involved in people's development, especially in leadership development is amazing, but meeting the right people who know what they are talking about, able to set up right context and motivate others are beyond wonderful. I found a new definition of leadership throughout my learning in the Foundation. Indeed, being a leaders sounded so cliche, but I have gotten to a new turning point where I completely redefined my sense of being a leader.

It is in fact about the ability to be part of the solutions. As a half-empty perspective owner, I am used to get stuck in one problem, and ended up losing my sight to create solutions. Simply, because it is easier to blame the condition, drag the issue even bigger, or even exaggerate things. What's harder is actually to become part of the solutions. 

I also realize that being a leader always means taking thorough and careful deliberation, not in a sense that it requires ages to make, but to be able to focus, mindful, but at the same time considerate. Now, I am just nowhere near that, for I am always careless and way too busy to focus to just one activity at a time.

More than that, every successful leader needs a mentor and strong social fabrics. Not only somebody to look up to (aka role model), but someone that can guide you throughout the process. And that is exactly what's rare in the society. Even though there's nothing new about mentoring, it is just not natural and culturally instilled within our people. In the other hand, I realize that I haven't found my path to find that "mentor" in developing leadership potentials, but also in life. Looking at how **** has her husband to mentor him in every aspect of life, I just think that to look for a real partner in life, you just need to find that ability in him/her, as it is crucially important to have. 

Second thing to conclude the learning of the year, is on the subject of quality of life. I learned much about being able to face failures, set up aspirations, surrender, trust others, and last but not least, make peace to yourself. Am always being too critical to myself, but  as usual, I forget to use my best efforts to change instead of pitying myself in the corner. I got so many confrontations over the year, but it had helped me to do one thing: change. Stop complaining, use logic, start praying, let go, take some time to freshen up, or even insisting my plans to take place. 

Definitely, none of them was easy to do. In fact, it was indeed a hell of a ride. A lot of tears, disappointment, even sickness got involved along the process. But at the end, I think it is worth the efforts. 

Feeling like a loser is one thing that keeps bugging me my whole life, but apparently, there's nothing else you can do to change the past. To focus on the future, try my best to change, is definitely a way to go.

Gosh, it's a year of total re-calibration. It's so much easier to kill yourself and let go, yet I found my way to stay afloat: feeling loved. And for the fact that I wasn't loved truly by someone I deeply cared about, I was just unlucky. Yet, by the time you found bigger love exists, you are just more than happy. That's how I found my happiness nowadays.

Not feeling worthy was a mistake. Losing was one thing, and will always be a thing. But being able to get over it, stay positive and move one will be another thing worth fighting for.

Goodbye, 2013. All tears and disappointments, good bye. 

Why Bother Anymore?

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t.

This morning I woke up seeing that quote above. Later, when I got to the office, my friend informed me about the Indonesian copywriter who actually died after working straight for 3 days, and watched one video about some French people living with cancer who wished to be carefree for just one day. It just gave me a strength to hold on, put myself together, and being carefree --despite the fact that there's been someone consistently trying to crash my dream of a fine new day. 

It's true, why would I need to always feel discouraged by someone who can't even appreciate other people's life? I just want to focus on my beloved ones, and those who really love me. Why bother on those, trying to ruin your life?

Year End Party, December 13, 2013

Thankful :)

Being wounded for so many times in the past years unexpectedly brought you into a different nuance of life. Growing a greater sense of negativity might be one, but what happened last night was totally another level of negativity. I have never imagined how the whole past experiences sabotaged my brain to grow this paranoia. I began imagining things I was not supposed to. Bottom line is, I could not just feel happy and accept the fact that things went well for the few weeks. I was drown to think that things were just too good to be true, and so I needed to be suspicious about the whole thing. So, again, for so many times I lost count, restless became something definite, and tears was just inevitable. 

Yes, I was flooded by tears, disappointments, fears, hurts --so not okay. But then I suddenly realized something of importance that successfully brought me back to life: loving friends who really cared, spending the night just to cheer me up and calm me down. What more could you possibly ask? Those are the support system that I was supposed to have long time ago, because those are the ones who brought me back to my own feet and have faith that things will go well, and every body deserves happiness. 

Thank you. I am who I am today because of all of you. 

No More Judgment

It has never come to my mind how people with the same background as we do, may end up in totally different places.

We are used to take things for granted. We took quick judgment if somebody is attractive or not, based on a quick chat or even a glance. 

Chances are, we are totally blinded by what we saw or hear... Because when we get to know somebody closer, close enough to know what she or he has bern through in life, there is no one not having mezmerizing stories in the past. And only then we realize that people, in general, are awesome by default. 

All we ever need to do, is to take a deeper look and care to listen --which may be a hard quality to find these days. 

Sorrow

Left with a lot of tough questions in mind. Gosh, what happened to me? Why am I nothing but a damaged person?

Remarks 2.0

With what happened to me just recently, I strongly believe that life is a balance. Hard times come and go, and so good times. However frequent it happened, you just need to survive.

I just finished the second forum of the 2013 Young Leaders for Indonesia Satellite. A lot had happened, some really tough challenges really tested my nerves and ability to handle situation, which I succeeded to pass; drama along the way; and the feelings of glory when you see how excited the participants were and how satisfied those who got involved –all of them created a totally mixed fillings. The conversation with one great and wise senior also opened my eyes to see plenty of things with totally new perspectives.

I gained confidence, and fresh perspective –that is clearly precious.

Now, even I found difficulties in something else, I am truly amazed with the spark people shows. That gave me even bigger reason to stay where I am, doing whatever I do, with new spirits.

Thank You, Lord for letting me grow in this journey. I would have not succeeded if it’s not because of You.

Another Sleepless Night - The Dawn of November 30

I am back to the time when I feel extremely tired after going through a very long day, but at the same time, totally restless. It’s like you can’t even shut down your eyes just because you have a lot to think about. And it is a great time to write, for I hope it will help me to get sleepy, but also to take out all of the problems in heart –something that I can’t do tonight by talking loudly to YOU-know-who like I always did, because I am sharing the room with someone else.

So, I still am struggling with the negative mindset. Sometimes, I do feel like somebody is talking behind my back, and dislikes me. It’s just…. I am not 100% calmed and in fact, always feel anxious about everything.

The other thing is the thing I always get busy thinking about –both career and life partner. Well, maybe life partner is one hell of a term, but… I always thought I was about to spend the journey with this one guy, but now that I suddenly feel different about everything, I am unsure if my heart really changed. It feels like a mixture of everything, or maybe I am just too busy doing works and stuffs. I just…..don’t know yet.

And you want to talk to somebody about your career too. You want to talk to someone who will understand. You want to talk to someone who has power. You want to talk to someone with experience. And the list goes on and on.

And with the forum…. A lot of things going on…. And on…… And it’s just so many things occupying my head at the moment, I hardly get them all out.

Maybe… I just need some time to relax, after the whole days I feel discouraged going to the office, or just lazy, again I am not 100% sure.

Let’s get this done with first, then. Come on, Gadis. Give yourself something to be proud of, please?? Show the spirit. You can do it!!!

Finally... Feeling Released..

I learn to believe, that when things get tough, it is actually a way of God to let you get closer to him. This is actually not a new thing, somebody close has been telling me the same thing over and over again. However, it’s just hard to believe, because when you feel crushed, you hardly believe that God loves you. It is so much easier to just hate him and feel the opposite.

There have been few incidents happened to me lately, that led me to believe in that. One of my new housemate shared some of her experiences, the one that taught me to surrender, and let God do the rest when you have done your best. She taught me how to start having faith, when I feel really down and full of sorrow for facing a lot of troubles in live. Yes, this is an old stuff to tell, but when it gets to the right moment, it feels amazingly different, yet right.

One of my colleagues and friends, told me how she and other people surround me thought about me: full of negativity –that in real life translates into tons of complaints, each time for each thing in life. Again, this is not something fresh to me. It’s been dumped to my face so many times ago, through so many different people, but the impact has never been the same. I was heartbroken, in pain, but then I finally found the courage to get up and start doing things differently –and I really hope it is not temporary.

There was also a movie called “Letters to God” who told this story about a 10 year-old kid who had brain cancer but then believed in himself as the warrior of God –that gave him strength to be strong and encourage other people. It was always easy to be touched, but then it is not easy to take the “signal” into action.

But here I am, trying to grasp the learning and synthesize it into this writing, for I feel the urge to create a memory of my turning point in life –which will then force me to keep my way on track of this new life: A life with positivity.

I started to realize, that life is just too beautiful, and too abundant to just cry and feel lonely for. Having a perspective is a must, the one that will ease your burden, and not the opposite.

In short, now I understand why I should not feel discouraged, because only then you have the time to talk to the Lord, share your deepest feeling, and then feel released, for you know that He’ll take care of the rest, when you have done your best. ;  

Broken

Feeling lonely is, for me, the hardest feeling in the world. And unfortunately, I feel that most of the time. I don't know if it's because I was raised in a rather individualist environment, including family, or it's just that I don't have stable and functional relationships with my friends and boyfriend. Well, honestly, I don't even know what's going on with me. I don't even know myself anymore.

I am just this damaged, brokenhearted person. Nobody seems to like me and be able to accept me for who I am. I am just an outlier, and too abnormal to fit in to the way people think, behave, and live. Maybe, they find me strange, I don't know.

The whole negativity, feeling rejected, and my broken relationship with you-know-who, including some of the broken relationships with my friends & once with my family members, I guess, wounded my heart deeply. I feel deeply lost and lonely. Almost everyday, I cried myself to sleep, just because I don't know who else to talk to, to tell my deepest feeling in heart, or my wildest dream, or just some stuffs I feel like talking about after a tiring day at the office. Everything is just falling apart. My world is crumbling, and I seriously have no idea what to do.

What is going on with me?

Without

Living without expectations is hard, but it is doable. I am proud for being able to stay unattached with my feelings, use logics in taking actions, even for only 3 days (that's for now- plan to do it more often). Well, at least within my relationship with you-know-who. 

It's hard, because you still wish that he would text you most of the times during the day, call you just to say good night, or even let you know if he's home already. In reality, none of those thing happened according to his personal motivation. I triggered those things to happen these whole times. Or, another way to put it os to actually say that he never wanted to have the relationship I feel like having. 

This guy, in my view, is just..... He loves to be carefree. He doesn't want a lot of things that could disturb his "warzone" of conflicting thoughts. And me, I could say, is a kind of person that always needs extra attention, intimacy and time.

In short, I am so "fragile" that I complain a lot and expect a lot from this relationship. Something that he, personally, is not willing to give.

Deep down, I am not really sure if he's into serious relationship, looking at the way he wants things to be done (read: which was what I have been trying to so-not pushing him for anything). And for that, of course I am totally disappointed.

However, another way to look at it is to actually try to be positive, in a sense that I need to give him space and time before I am finally able to take rational decisoon.

Hmmm, it seems that my new housemates really brought fresh perspectives in me... Too soon to tell, but I am gonna try my best to get over those messy moments of my life..

Being Blessed, in Disguise

Having a new friend to talk to is astonishing. You could never guess how abundant one can share and teach you about life. Thanks to my new housemates, they opened my eyes with their presence and kindness. Being blessed, in many times, came in disguise.

All, I really feel blessed to have you both when adversity rushed into my life. Thank you so much.

Finally…. A New Journey..

Onrust, Kelor and Cipir - 27 October 2013 

Harsh Just Once

You can't always get what you want--- it was the conclusion over our discussion last time. Yes, the four of us, with our own adversities, challenges, yet united with the same passion for friendships --or maybe things I am not aware of. Whatever it was, it was amazing to see each other again despite the fact that ones needed to reflect back deeply after the conversation, and felt saddened by it -- just like what happened to me. Gosh, it was hard to have your friends bluntly threw harsh truth in front of your face. Yes, it was bitter like hell, but HEY, I do prefer that than if you talk behind my back, dude. Or even smile and simply leave without any explanation -- again, so disappointing.

So thank you, girls. You all filled my day :) especially beaides the red velvet :p

I Think, I Am A Loser

In the phase of losing. I no longer believe in the term relationships. Seems your loved ones are just mere fake - so disappointing. 

Stuck In A Question

It always gets back to the question, “What is it that you want?” Yep, life is going to throw that question at you in many chances. You will determine everything based on the answer, like it or not.

Yet, it is a never ending question for me, for I keep on asking that to myself everyday, and probably there are plenty of people who do the same thing, even until they exhale for the last time of their lives. Some people just couldn’t find out, some who are lucky enough would find their passion throughout their life span and be happy – once they decided to go for it.

Even though I thought that I already know what I want, when some of my friends asked me that million dollar question, I would rather think again and confirm if whatever I say at that time is true. Tough, tough question it is, indeed.

I know I am very passionate about education, leadership, children, humanities, gender and other social issues; there are still gap between my dream job and whatever I am doing now. Question would be in many forms: “Are you sure what you are doing is what you are passionate about?” (just like what I have claimed so far), “Do you have more than one passion?” “Should dream job become a mere dream?” “Why is there mismatch between what you are passionate about and what dream to pursue?”

And yes, I might get lost in translation when trying to come up with the right answer. 

Lost Without ....

People, or even I may question the quality of this relationship, but I can never deny how empty it is and how frustrating it can be when we are not together. He was just gone for one day, but I miss him much already, and I struggle much not to feel worried and stressed out.

I don’t know if what we feel towards each other can be called love, I forgot the definition anyway. I just know that we can be very good together in spite of our challenging differences. He always knows how to make me laugh, he knows my preference in many ways, he knows how to make me fall in love and he does that every time.

There are some big issues we face, and they are all rooted to different habits and upbringing, but deep down, we know we care for each other and we can be very comfortable together.

I really don’t know what may come in the future. I do hope we can sort everything out, but I can only be hopeful. If not, what else?