Coincidence

Written post-YLI.

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Unlike any popular belief about me out there, I feel amazing about my life. It’s not perfect, nothing ever is, but I feel so thankful to have such an awesome boyfriend, with a nice career and beautifully options lining up. I am happy that I live independently but still be in touch closely with my family. I feel fat, yet wonderful and comfortable (most of the times).

Yes, it’s true that there are plenty of things I haven’t been able to do or cannot do, like running and yoga lately, but hey, there are more things to be grateful for. So yes, I am quite satisfied with my life, even to the fact that I feel super “galau” about my next career path. Thankfully, that “galau” part is more to the fact that I have plenty of options. Great options, to be very specific. Options that allow me to really make impact, through different ways and methods. But if my life is all about making impact, then which one shall I choose? What are the rest of the priorities that will help me determine the rest of my career life?

This is why I have been so unsettled. This “kegalauan” is so discomforting. I don’t sleep much at night, I feel uneasy, I barely concentrate at work. Everything was all about choice, trade off, decision. And it’s never an easy decision to make.

Once, I mentioned how I don’t believe in coincidence. It took me so long to finally decide that I want to leave my current position, but I have never been clear to my boss and say that I want to leave. I still weigh all options till the very end, and quite frankly, I don’t see the end, yet.

Today I refused to go to work because I didn’t feel so good earlier. However, I concluded that it might be due to my angst, instead of virus. I took the day off and spent time reading this mind-blowing book from Clayton Christensen called “How will you measure your life?”

And so he mentioned this motivation to go to work, something that really drove me to satisfaction, something that will keep me excited even in tough situation. Perhaps, to my limited knowledge, I began to think about what I am doing today. I thought there’s where my passions really lay.

And so I met Ghufron, a thought-partner of mine, who shared his view about what I should be doing, which is what I am already doing. And now here I am, getting so irritated by all of my thoughts (as the consequences of talking to too many people and too many reflection and deliberation). I can’t even enjoy the book despite my eagerness to finish it before midnight.

Is it coincidence? The fact that I should have had a conversation with my boss this noon about my final decision to move out – but I did not because I called in sick? The fact that during my resting period I decided to read Clayton’s book and met Ghufron afterwards? The fact that Ghufron handed me the book yesterday?

I am getting more and more and more confused, each and every day. Maybe I should do it the way MBA students did it. Make a spreadsheet, and then decide.

Again, it’s a good stress, after all. I am glad that I do have options. Great options, to be more precise. So I just need some more time to think through. Hopefully, I’ll make the right decision. Because I am quite sure I did with my choice of life partner (at least for now).