I can tell the difference when I am being rational and emotional. Not sure if it is because of my sickness, but I am as flat as a wall. I am just frustrated with the heat.

Two and One

“If you can go through this, you can go through everything.”

More or less, that is the moral of the story that he feels like telling me. Well, I could not deny the fact that it has been tough. Honestly, I have never been in this situation before. Turns out, it is killing me.

But I do not think I will die. Maybe not. I am known for my rants. I am used to ranting about many things, hardship in life is definitely included. One thing that I seem to miss out is the fact that I am my biggest enemy. Yes, my head. My brain. My negative mindset seems to get in the way. AND YES I CAN NOT BE MORE THAN TIRED this point of time. I AM EXHAUSTED to face same challenge every time, and to face the reality that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE.

Hmmm, that’s tricky though. At some point I feel like I begin to get better. Like, seriously, a better person. But, at some other point, I DO NOT. LIKE, REALLY. In fact, these days, I feel WORSE. I am turning into a monster. AND THAT IS EVEN HARDER TO FACE.

Blaming others is the easiest thing, of course. Dealing with the truth, is what one sometimes could not comprehend –and I guess that is me, btw.

Ah ya, I know you can’t get what I am writing. Me neither. My thoughts have been too spread out and jumbled at the same time. 

Lagi-Lagi

Keluarga kami tidak kenal perencanaan. Kami selalu hidup dalam ketidakpastian. Jarang, dan hampir tidak pernah, kami benar-benar memikirkan aktivitas yang akan kami lakukan sebagai satu keluarga. Dan ini bukan tentang visi sebagai keluarga saja, tetapi hal praktis seperti liburan, atau makan malam di luar rumah. Menyiksa? Mungkin tidak pada awalnya.

Ya, kami menyadari dari waktu ke waktu bahwa banyak pertengkaran yang muncul karenanya, tetapi kami masih bisa bertoleransi. Dendam kedengaran sangat berlebihan.

Tetapi, sekarang semuanya terlihat berbeda karena peristiwa kemarin. Dua hal muncul sebagai kesimpulan. Yang pertama berorientasi pada bagaimana sesungguhnya kami, si manusia-manusia kecil, produk dari pernikahan dan keluarga ini memboyong sifat yang sama karena dibesarkan dalam situasi tidak pasti di banyak waktu.

Saya mungkin hidup dengan gen berubah-ubah yang paling ekstrem. Ketidakmampuan mengambil keputusan, bahkan terkait dengan rencana sehari-hari seperti memutuskan makanan apa yang akan dikonsumsi malam itu terasa begitu memberatkan. Alhasil, saya bisa mengubah keputusan hingga lebih dari 7 kali (angka favorit). Dan itu melelahkan, tidak hanya bagi saya, tetapi bagi orang yang terkena dampaknya.

Tentunya saya tidak menyadari ini, hingga dia melontarkan isu-isu yang menjadi problematika kami. Ternyata, itu jadi masalah yang cukup krusial di antara kami. Tidak bermaksud menyalahkan keluarga, karena toh saya yang paling ekstrem mengidap ini. Saya hanya menyadari betapa keluarga kami begitu rentan terhadap ketidakpastian yang ditularkan oleh satu orang. Dan itu bak penyakit yang menjalar ke bagian tubuh lainnya –macam kanker saja. Membahayakan? Sangat.

Karena kau baru akan menyadarinya ketika kau sowan ke keluarga-keluarga lain, yang dibangun dengan nilai-nilai berbeda, yang pastinya lebih baik. Dan lebih baik punya arti di sini, bukan hanya memiliki visi sebagai keluarga, tetapi juga hal-hal kecil seperti keharmonisan, demokrasi, dsb. Kau jadi malu, bahwa kamu membawa gen-gen yang di banyak waktu berpotensi menjadi masalah. Malu besar aku dibuatnya, memang.

Yang kedua mungkin lebih anti-klimaks dibandingkan klimaks. Seperti yang sudah kukatakan sebelumnya, penyakit ini ditularkan oleh satu orang. Dan pernikahan melibatkan dua orang. Jika tidak ada perlawanan dari sang lawan, tentunya kebocorannya bisa berlipat ganda.

Di sisi lain, hal ini kemudian berdampak pada manusia-manusia kecil tadi, yang mengidap penyakit yang sama tetapi dengan persentase berbeda. Halo, saya tidak bermaksud defensif.

Setidaknya sekarang saya tahu darimana itu berasal. Dan bahwa ketidakmampuan membuat perencanaan bisa amat destruktif.

Coincidence

Written post-YLI.

***

Unlike any popular belief about me out there, I feel amazing about my life. It’s not perfect, nothing ever is, but I feel so thankful to have such an awesome boyfriend, with a nice career and beautifully options lining up. I am happy that I live independently but still be in touch closely with my family. I feel fat, yet wonderful and comfortable (most of the times).

Yes, it’s true that there are plenty of things I haven’t been able to do or cannot do, like running and yoga lately, but hey, there are more things to be grateful for. So yes, I am quite satisfied with my life, even to the fact that I feel super “galau” about my next career path. Thankfully, that “galau” part is more to the fact that I have plenty of options. Great options, to be very specific. Options that allow me to really make impact, through different ways and methods. But if my life is all about making impact, then which one shall I choose? What are the rest of the priorities that will help me determine the rest of my career life?

This is why I have been so unsettled. This “kegalauan” is so discomforting. I don’t sleep much at night, I feel uneasy, I barely concentrate at work. Everything was all about choice, trade off, decision. And it’s never an easy decision to make.

Once, I mentioned how I don’t believe in coincidence. It took me so long to finally decide that I want to leave my current position, but I have never been clear to my boss and say that I want to leave. I still weigh all options till the very end, and quite frankly, I don’t see the end, yet.

Today I refused to go to work because I didn’t feel so good earlier. However, I concluded that it might be due to my angst, instead of virus. I took the day off and spent time reading this mind-blowing book from Clayton Christensen called “How will you measure your life?”

And so he mentioned this motivation to go to work, something that really drove me to satisfaction, something that will keep me excited even in tough situation. Perhaps, to my limited knowledge, I began to think about what I am doing today. I thought there’s where my passions really lay.

And so I met Ghufron, a thought-partner of mine, who shared his view about what I should be doing, which is what I am already doing. And now here I am, getting so irritated by all of my thoughts (as the consequences of talking to too many people and too many reflection and deliberation). I can’t even enjoy the book despite my eagerness to finish it before midnight.

Is it coincidence? The fact that I should have had a conversation with my boss this noon about my final decision to move out – but I did not because I called in sick? The fact that during my resting period I decided to read Clayton’s book and met Ghufron afterwards? The fact that Ghufron handed me the book yesterday?

I am getting more and more and more confused, each and every day. Maybe I should do it the way MBA students did it. Make a spreadsheet, and then decide.

Again, it’s a good stress, after all. I am glad that I do have options. Great options, to be more precise. So I just need some more time to think through. Hopefully, I’ll make the right decision. Because I am quite sure I did with my choice of life partner (at least for now).

I am a complicated soul. I thought everyone is the same, but I guess I am wrong. 

Having hard times finding the soul that can accept you for who you are -is just the reality I need to accept. Period. 

Even when you love someone wholeheartedly, with all you soul and heart and are willing to sacrifice most things, even compromise for the relationship to work -it just did not work. I tried. Hard. Poured my heart into someone only to find I am being delusional. 

Painful? Very. But what else could you do? You want the other person to be happy. And you are just complicated. Complication is just a nice way of saying 'dreadful relationship'. So I let it be..