Productive Jan!

To be done in January:

- Explore Grad School

- Explore opportunities for collaboration with Helga, Arto

- Explore detailed partnership with Sano and Kumala

Let's be productive, this time early!

2015 Reflection

It’s the time of the year when you’re supposed to another reflection of the passed year! How time flies. It felt like yesterday when I decided to leave YLI, a place that I called home, my comfortable zone and shelter, which also shaped me up professionally.

I remember exactly that I wrote the same piece last year when I was still in the office, when I got time to do it. Nowadays life is quite different; I don’t really have the time to write as much as I was before. But I do feel thankful for what have happened and for what I’ve been through this year.

When I look back and reflect, I now feel confident leaving YLI, which was a big step in my life since it’s a great place to work, network and develop my personal side (especially with the great people and environment). However, now that I am in a bank with more stakeholders to manage and build relationships with, alongside its complications and steep curve, I knew why I left and it was for a good reason. I do learn what I would otherwise not have learned in YLI.

This year also marked another transformation in “our relationship” whereby we experienced a lot more ups and downs rather than a steady interaction like it was before. Yet, with those “roller coaster” rides, we are surer that we can keep holding on. So yes, I am hopeful and optimistic things can get better.

God, thank You for the wonderful blessings, and for taking care of me. I am forever grateful for what You have done in my life.

Jakarta makin sinting. Pengguna jalan makin brutal, ganas, dan kehilangan kemanusiaannya. Saat ini supir taksi yang baru saja menabrakkan spionnya ke sesama supir taksi dari perusahaan yang sama dengan tenangnya membetulkan kaca spion, tanpa minta maaf atau merasa risih. Ketidaksabaran menjadi bahasa sehari-hari. Keramahan, sopan santun, semuanya cuma di kamus saja. 

I love it whenever you hug me from the back, I fall directly to a deep sleep.

Being an idealist kills me many times. I feel bitter, I feel way too disappointed with the world, with the people. I am fatigue. 

All I ever hope is for things to fall into places. Well I do demand certainty, but I guess I am being selfish. 

Last One

It feels surreal. There are too many things rushing through my head, keeping me awake at night. Everything flashes by. The memories, the questions, the wishes, the regrets, everything. And honestly, that is weakening.

Don't you remember it's just like few weeks ago I got back from my trip and how I felt so refreshed -guess that does not stay for long. You can't really mend things that are already broken, huh?

Oh yes, I am so tempted to cry, for all the things I failed doing. But what saddens me the most is that I know I inherit some of the attributes from my parents, and I feel clueless. I do want to be different, and I don't know why I am like this. Yes, I badly want to deny myself, redeem this feeling, but I guess reality bites. 

This time, I am just hoping that I would toughen up. If possible, no single drop of tears. Because I am not sure if I could change anything. Maybe we're just not meant to be together. I just want to tell myself that I will be able to get through this. And I am starting the positive attitude not by crying to my bed, but by writing. To remind myself, that everything is possible. That bad times can turn into good ones depending on how we deal with it. 

Hope I will stay spirited. This time for longer. Amen. 

Reality?

I just realized how ambitious we were. After Teguh came back from Russia-Poland-Prague trip, we took the rest of the following weekends to Bali, Lampung, Singapore, Japan (only me) and lastly, Bangkok. I hardly remember the weekends that we spent in Jakarta. 

From those trips, certainly we learned more about each other, what we like and dislike about each other -and that perhaps struck me with a fact that yes, maybe we are not ready yet. There's still a lot going on and the road is not a real smooth one. 

Many people tying the knots these days, and I really mean "many". Sometimes I wonder why we are not there yet, but I started to understand why. Ours still needs a lot of work. Although what I really long is for us to live happily together, waking up to each other with a big smile and affection, cooking for dinner, and cherishing each and every moment together --I guess it's realistic to work on what we need to work on. 

Just hoping for the best....

Post-Japan

Despite the abundant piles of work due to my absence, I still can't concentrate to finish my work. It still feels like holiday, like I am not ready to go back and face the reality. Reality bites, people said. I guess it's true. 

The short trip to Japan quite helped me to gain fresh (if not new) perspective on (purpose and partner of) life. I feel new, I feel energized, I feel happy. It gives me my sanity back. And I swear I don't want to let anyone ruin it. Wish me luck this time :D

It was such an adventurous, memorable trip! Thanks to the best host ever, Faelasufa. It was seriously so much fun travelling with you!

True Colors?

“You with the sad eyes…

Don’t be discouraged

Oh I realize

It’s hard to take courage

In a word full of people

You can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small…..”

The more you grow up, the more you will be likely to feel exactly that. I am in the point of life when everything looks blurry to me. I can no longer see who I really am nor what I really want in life. I am just broken.

I go through days when I started to learn that I have been naïve the whole time. I thought I made my priority clear, and apparently that just did not happen. You are simply not satisfied with everything, you can never have it all, not with a smallest chance. You got disappointed.

You started to question everything, if you made the right choices, if you would ever be successful, but on top of all, if you just have a bad omen. Seriously, sounds ridiculous but you just can’t help it.

2nd Year Reflection

July 15, 2015 marked my 2^nd work anniversary.  It felt like a short time, but the amount of lessons learned is probably surmountable –or to put simply, beyond what I expected. I was very fortunate to choose Project Officer role at the Young Leaders for Indonesia (YLI) Foundation as my first job out of college, simply because of the learning curve, the great culture of work, and the network I had built throughout my time there. As I moved to my 2^nd job in DBS Bank, I wonder if there would ever be a better place than YLI in terms of working environment –which says much about the culture.

One said that my reality is twisted because although YLI is a foundation, and contrary to what people have in mind about non-profit organizations, YLI is very strict on professionalism and high performance –thanks to McKinsey & Company who safeguarded the whole operations. On the learning curve, the culture and the network, of course it was highly influenced by how McKinsey does things.

The non-hierarchical culture, where everyone, despite of their background and status, will be valued for their opinion. It is a merit-based organization where politics is hardly to be found. And that is scarce in Indonesia because most people will be respected when they are either senior, rich, or with high positions. People would then work hard to be able to reach the top, without having to worry about being cut off by someone who does not belong there.

Aside from that, I really appreciate the feedback culture they implemented. People are taught to be open to feedback, in fact regard it as a gift. Same thing applies to the giver; they need to know that giving feedback is actually a favor, and keeping it away from the people means doing them a disfavor.

And so I met wonderful people during my time there, people who taught me much about leadership and helped me build an idea of the ideal leaders and work environment, which later on, sadly, caused me to struggle grasping the reality.

Working with such great talents, purpose-driven and highly professional people in the past, I am now very much stressed out knowing the fact that it was way too difficult finding the same situation anywhere else under the sun. Worse, my got told me that it was only going to get worse outside these multinational companies.

Apart from that, however, working in a commercial institution has helped to balance my social spirit even better. I am expected to think from many different angles, hit so many birds with one shot, and try to benefit the business through a social cause. Yes, I took care of the CSR and Internal Communication unit.

I asked for a different challenge, and here I am, with a totally different situation: large organizations with so many stakeholders to take into account, relatively large team (compared to what I had before), a lot more activities to handle (so yes, I need to wear many different caps under the two units), more complex processes, for sure, higher expectations. Nothing is seriously easier. Well, I guess that’s the idea of a promotion, no?

Yes, I am stressed out. I still do the things I love most of the time, and I still do things I do not really like but have to do anyway.

Nevertheless, all these realities will stay unknown had I not jumped into the real life and continued studying. I never imagined how hard it is to be independent and make a living. Never had I imagined the stress level I would be at and honestly this is way beyond what I thought I could comprehend. Yet, I survived, and still striving to survive each and every day, with the many challenges. Just hoping I would be able to get through it and make it out safely.

Different

This is where I usually am: having my insomnia in the middle of the night, so triggered to write, but so tempted to try to sleep. Just met with Beki after a while to find out that we're probably sharing the same problem: being tough (or in my dictionary: being abnormal). I mean, look at me. I am nothing near normal. 

My overthinking habit drives me nuts, most of the time. But don't you think that someone's strength is someone's weakness? And that it works the other way around? At least I think so. I think it helped me to become who I am today -maybe. Or maybe not. 

Do I wish to be someone different? To be less insecure, at least. To be less fragile, for sure. I wish I have talents, and hobbies, because judging simply from my problems, I don't have hobbies and that's what kills me. An independent woman who built her happiness around a guy -that kills me first. 

Why can't I be myself? Why am not allowed to be comfortable about it? Why do the rest of the world seems to protest against it? Is it my fault to be different?

Getting There

As career occupies a big chunk of many people’s life, the question “Will I ever be a success?” haunts us most of the time. Despite the relative measure of success, many want to find their life’s purpose, leave positive footprints, and most importantly, be happy. One of the most affordable ways to build on success is to look for a role model and get inspired to work on your own. What Gillian Zoe Zegal did with Getting There is exactly that.

Through the thirty people whose life stories she covered in the book, I learned how these entrepreneurs, artists, architect, social workers, chef, and professionals came from many different backgrounds; some needed to experience disheartening childhood from personal loss, discrimination and bullying, or tough times getting through formal education whereas some others were lucky enough to find their passion early on and spend the rest of their life focusing to develop it. Some came from a rather poor family while some had a privilege to go to great schools and have no problems in paying tuition.

The common threads I found from these people are that they:

Outwork everybody else to exist today

From Michael Bloomberg (Bloomberg L.P. Founder, Former New York City Mayor) to Rachel Zoe (Fashion Stylist); from Anderson Cooper (Journalist) to Jeff Kinney (Diary of Wimpy Kid Author) they believed that the only reason they exist today is because they work hard. That all the achievements made were not because of luck, but by mere hard work. Bloomberg admitted to have been coming earliest to the office and going home the latest to be able to be where he is today. But that is not all, Anderson Cooper helped to see that being hardworking also means to work on the things people avoid.

For Jeff Kinney, it means working on the Diary of Wimpy Kid for more than 8 years –to present its first draft because he remember being told in the fifth grade by his teacher to “embrace excellence and not accepting praise for something he knew wasn’t great,” which later on helped him to be patience and keep improving his work before he let people see it. On that, however, Hans Zimmer (Lion King Composer) admitted that there are times when you need to accept defeat –where you came into a point that it just did not work and embrace it as part of the process.

Muhammad Yunus debunked the idea of a bank by inventing the microfinance concept; he started off with 27 dollars, but ended up helping millions of people on the planet with this approach. That did not come straightforwardly. He had to instill a new understanding, while challenging an Islamic thinking built on for centuries, that women shall be allowed to manage money -in fact they created welfare out of the money lent. This has proven to be enormously hard to do –which took them six years to reach their initial goal: to make women fifty percent of the borrowers.

Work around their competence

Warren Buffet set this point since the first few pages of the book, how he became successful because he worked on the areas where his strength lies, which is analyzing businesses. Apparently, this is something all thirty people shared in common. Though some needed to explore it and spent almost half of his/her life figuring out what he/she wanted to do, at the end of the day, they worked on something they knew they were good at, passionate about, and not having to drag themselves to work every day.

Nevertheless, it does not mean that you only work on something you already feel comfortable with and does not challenge the status quo. In fact, you need to keep exploring new things, which will only expand our options and help you with your future endeavors. Stacey Snider (Co-Chairman 20^th Century Fox) never predicted how her law degree from UCLA and experience working for an entry level in an entertainment agency would help her tremendously in choosing which script to be adopted into a movie.

So it is definitely okay to wander, just like Jim Koch (Brewer and Founder of the Boston Beer Company) who took a job as Outward Bound Instructor –where he basically guided people to hike mountains, completed his law and business programs at Harvard and became Consultant at Boston Consulting Group before he found what he eventually was set out to do: making his own beer.

And work does not always have to journey linearly, like what Helene Gayle (CARE USA President and CEO) believed in. Growing up thinking to help people through medicine, Helene finally completed her study also in public health. Later on, from focusing on combatting HIV/AIDS with CDC –where she dedicated her life to work towards positive change, she went to Gates Foundation to understand how the privately funded organization before she moved to CARE USA where she is currently working towards poverty eradication. She always believed that we can never really map life out in precision; therefore we might as well keep ourselves to new experiences, new opportunities, or even expand our options.

Believe in their guts and keep moving forward despite the hardships the face along the way

All kinds of troubles will only get in the way, most artists like Jeff Koons admitted being mocked for their works and there was nothing unique about that occurrence. J Craig Venter, PhD who was able to sequence human genome, or John Paul Dejoria (John Paul Mitchell Systems/Patron Spirits Company Co-Founder) were even fired after the tremendous achievements they made for the organizations they worked for.

It is so easy to get discouraged along the way, but the only advice these people gave was that we all need to believe in our guts, and keep moving forward.

None actually experienced luck after luck after luck, nor privilege after privilege after privilege. The only thing I read so far was that they encountered too many obstacles that would only break the spirit. Gary Hirshberg (Stonyfield Farm Chairman and Co-Founder) worked for the organic yoghurt since 1983, only to be able to make their first profit nine years later, pass Kraft in yoghurt sales five years later and become the world’s largest organic yoghurt maker six years after acquiring Brown Cow. If he decided to give up in the first few years, when they had USD 500,000 in debt and it seemed like there was no way out, there will certainly be no Stonyfield today. He and his co-founder stick to their mission and progressed through, even though it took years to finally pay off. 

So yes, at last, these inspiring people could only connect the dots backwards. No matter how they started, the adversity they went through along the way, when they reached the moment of success, they celebrated it with happiness. That, I guess, applies to us as well. There is no secret path to success, only hard work that will prevail.

Do you know how much I am worried about you?

And lame at the same time..

Whenever you feel like you have nothing else to live for, step back and look at how others live their life. Today when I heard about what happened to other people near me, how much struggle they needed to go through, I felt stricken by a tsunami. 

I am just a spoiled brat, complaining about how my life has been so tough because one relationship that crushes not only my feeling but also inner self, but I know nothing about the real struggle in life. 

I am such an ungrateful little creature. So weak and super lame. Life has been really tough for others -imagining myself in their situation, I don't know where else to go but to kill myself. 

Their situation is worth suicide for. It is 10,000 times harder than mine. And I acted like I am the only victim that deserves to give up. What an embarassment.

Weak

I am frustrated, to be very honest. It is so easy for you to say things, promise someone something, but to actually walk the talk, I barely survive. 

The thought of suicide flashes over in my head, again and again. I just wish to sleep and never wake up. Suffocating. Found myself crying in the corner try to absorb everything. 

Why has this been so hard? And it will only be harder. Why am I so weak?

Opened

If I could summarize what happened to me recently: I woke up –opened my eyes and saw the reality. As harsh as it might be, it had beaten me: I have been very naïve this whole time. Perhaps it is a common thing for a college graduate to feel, but honestly, I was quite shocked when I found that the world is far from being kind, just and fair to people. The kind of people this world celebrates is not as what I imagined before. In fact, it is nowhere near what I have imagined during my college year.

I thought I have had this reality check before, when I realized that “to go to heaven, you don’t necessarily need to be a nurse”. Meaning that if you want to create an impact in this world, there are plenty of ways to do it. Immersing yourself in a commercial institution does not always mean “bad” and “filthy”.

Apparently, that is not the only thing. Reality check comes frequently, not just once. In fact, I just found out how this world is full of terrible people –it does not know any gender, race, socio economic background, education background whatsoever, I just have been living in a cage. This world is full of terrible, terrible people who snap at others, who are impolite, who are sarcastic, who are full of themselves and have no sympathy towards other people. I don’t even know if they care about any other people but themselves.

It is such a shame, that being kindhearted does not bring us anywhere. It brings us to a limbo, you hardly trust what is happening surround you because you just cannot accept the fact that people could do horrible things to others, especially when they get in their ways. Surprising, huh? You think you can depend on certain brands, you will find good people in certain organizations/community; you might want to think again. Because that is simply not true.

The world, or maybe only the commercial world (and I am afraid that everything in this world is now driven by money) only appreciates results. The world is turning into a result-orientation machine where people care less about the process and want to cut the chase only to get the result they want. And for that, people dare to kill, to be able to get anywhere they want. It is damn scary.

Am I being to paranoid? I am afraid not. I am just hoping that it gets better over time. 

Fall Into My Love

Just spent wonderful quality time over the short-long break :)

Bosan

Writing can be so boring. I even find it a daunting task. However badly I want to be a food blogger, or an author, I just can't apply the discipline of writing -despite the rewarding feeing afterwards. Watching movies almost every time works better than blogging, sadly. And so I get caught up in the passive behavior instead of a more stimulating one. 

Up to one extent that I simply can't take it anymore. My head is too full, questioning a lot of things. Those questions seemed to crash one another inside the brain, waiting to be answered, or at least cared. 

Life is a simply complicated. There are not much changes. As much as people want to change, they stay the same. I stay the same, with more or less the same complication. I just knew that I got my reality check, most of the times in both "panggilan hidup" and "pasangan hidup". Life threw me to a different world, the one that I have never imagined before. 

It is hard, but it is also easy. It is just full of contradiction. You want to be thankful, yet things get tough many times. You want to make impact at work, but the situation is quite toxic you know you'll get affected. You want to be rational, but you can't help being too emotional. And so on and the opposite. 

So you get confused most of the times. And I am not sure if that is a good sign, or a bad sign. There are just way too many things you want to achieve but you need to face the ugly truth that it is not happening. You want to be extraordinary, but you like the ordinary. 

Or maybe it is the humane part of life, or of human. Human just don't change. Human just like to stay comfortable. 

Or it may not. 

I am seriously not sure. I get even more confused the more I write. 

I can tell the difference when I am being rational and emotional. Not sure if it is because of my sickness, but I am as flat as a wall. I am just frustrated with the heat.

Two and One

“If you can go through this, you can go through everything.”

More or less, that is the moral of the story that he feels like telling me. Well, I could not deny the fact that it has been tough. Honestly, I have never been in this situation before. Turns out, it is killing me.

But I do not think I will die. Maybe not. I am known for my rants. I am used to ranting about many things, hardship in life is definitely included. One thing that I seem to miss out is the fact that I am my biggest enemy. Yes, my head. My brain. My negative mindset seems to get in the way. AND YES I CAN NOT BE MORE THAN TIRED this point of time. I AM EXHAUSTED to face same challenge every time, and to face the reality that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE.

Hmmm, that’s tricky though. At some point I feel like I begin to get better. Like, seriously, a better person. But, at some other point, I DO NOT. LIKE, REALLY. In fact, these days, I feel WORSE. I am turning into a monster. AND THAT IS EVEN HARDER TO FACE.

Blaming others is the easiest thing, of course. Dealing with the truth, is what one sometimes could not comprehend –and I guess that is me, btw.

Ah ya, I know you can’t get what I am writing. Me neither. My thoughts have been too spread out and jumbled at the same time. 

Lagi-Lagi

Keluarga kami tidak kenal perencanaan. Kami selalu hidup dalam ketidakpastian. Jarang, dan hampir tidak pernah, kami benar-benar memikirkan aktivitas yang akan kami lakukan sebagai satu keluarga. Dan ini bukan tentang visi sebagai keluarga saja, tetapi hal praktis seperti liburan, atau makan malam di luar rumah. Menyiksa? Mungkin tidak pada awalnya.

Ya, kami menyadari dari waktu ke waktu bahwa banyak pertengkaran yang muncul karenanya, tetapi kami masih bisa bertoleransi. Dendam kedengaran sangat berlebihan.

Tetapi, sekarang semuanya terlihat berbeda karena peristiwa kemarin. Dua hal muncul sebagai kesimpulan. Yang pertama berorientasi pada bagaimana sesungguhnya kami, si manusia-manusia kecil, produk dari pernikahan dan keluarga ini memboyong sifat yang sama karena dibesarkan dalam situasi tidak pasti di banyak waktu.

Saya mungkin hidup dengan gen berubah-ubah yang paling ekstrem. Ketidakmampuan mengambil keputusan, bahkan terkait dengan rencana sehari-hari seperti memutuskan makanan apa yang akan dikonsumsi malam itu terasa begitu memberatkan. Alhasil, saya bisa mengubah keputusan hingga lebih dari 7 kali (angka favorit). Dan itu melelahkan, tidak hanya bagi saya, tetapi bagi orang yang terkena dampaknya.

Tentunya saya tidak menyadari ini, hingga dia melontarkan isu-isu yang menjadi problematika kami. Ternyata, itu jadi masalah yang cukup krusial di antara kami. Tidak bermaksud menyalahkan keluarga, karena toh saya yang paling ekstrem mengidap ini. Saya hanya menyadari betapa keluarga kami begitu rentan terhadap ketidakpastian yang ditularkan oleh satu orang. Dan itu bak penyakit yang menjalar ke bagian tubuh lainnya –macam kanker saja. Membahayakan? Sangat.

Karena kau baru akan menyadarinya ketika kau sowan ke keluarga-keluarga lain, yang dibangun dengan nilai-nilai berbeda, yang pastinya lebih baik. Dan lebih baik punya arti di sini, bukan hanya memiliki visi sebagai keluarga, tetapi juga hal-hal kecil seperti keharmonisan, demokrasi, dsb. Kau jadi malu, bahwa kamu membawa gen-gen yang di banyak waktu berpotensi menjadi masalah. Malu besar aku dibuatnya, memang.

Yang kedua mungkin lebih anti-klimaks dibandingkan klimaks. Seperti yang sudah kukatakan sebelumnya, penyakit ini ditularkan oleh satu orang. Dan pernikahan melibatkan dua orang. Jika tidak ada perlawanan dari sang lawan, tentunya kebocorannya bisa berlipat ganda.

Di sisi lain, hal ini kemudian berdampak pada manusia-manusia kecil tadi, yang mengidap penyakit yang sama tetapi dengan persentase berbeda. Halo, saya tidak bermaksud defensif.

Setidaknya sekarang saya tahu darimana itu berasal. Dan bahwa ketidakmampuan membuat perencanaan bisa amat destruktif.

Coincidence

Written post-YLI.

***

Unlike any popular belief about me out there, I feel amazing about my life. It’s not perfect, nothing ever is, but I feel so thankful to have such an awesome boyfriend, with a nice career and beautifully options lining up. I am happy that I live independently but still be in touch closely with my family. I feel fat, yet wonderful and comfortable (most of the times).

Yes, it’s true that there are plenty of things I haven’t been able to do or cannot do, like running and yoga lately, but hey, there are more things to be grateful for. So yes, I am quite satisfied with my life, even to the fact that I feel super “galau” about my next career path. Thankfully, that “galau” part is more to the fact that I have plenty of options. Great options, to be very specific. Options that allow me to really make impact, through different ways and methods. But if my life is all about making impact, then which one shall I choose? What are the rest of the priorities that will help me determine the rest of my career life?

This is why I have been so unsettled. This “kegalauan” is so discomforting. I don’t sleep much at night, I feel uneasy, I barely concentrate at work. Everything was all about choice, trade off, decision. And it’s never an easy decision to make.

Once, I mentioned how I don’t believe in coincidence. It took me so long to finally decide that I want to leave my current position, but I have never been clear to my boss and say that I want to leave. I still weigh all options till the very end, and quite frankly, I don’t see the end, yet.

Today I refused to go to work because I didn’t feel so good earlier. However, I concluded that it might be due to my angst, instead of virus. I took the day off and spent time reading this mind-blowing book from Clayton Christensen called “How will you measure your life?”

And so he mentioned this motivation to go to work, something that really drove me to satisfaction, something that will keep me excited even in tough situation. Perhaps, to my limited knowledge, I began to think about what I am doing today. I thought there’s where my passions really lay.

And so I met Ghufron, a thought-partner of mine, who shared his view about what I should be doing, which is what I am already doing. And now here I am, getting so irritated by all of my thoughts (as the consequences of talking to too many people and too many reflection and deliberation). I can’t even enjoy the book despite my eagerness to finish it before midnight.

Is it coincidence? The fact that I should have had a conversation with my boss this noon about my final decision to move out – but I did not because I called in sick? The fact that during my resting period I decided to read Clayton’s book and met Ghufron afterwards? The fact that Ghufron handed me the book yesterday?

I am getting more and more and more confused, each and every day. Maybe I should do it the way MBA students did it. Make a spreadsheet, and then decide.

Again, it’s a good stress, after all. I am glad that I do have options. Great options, to be more precise. So I just need some more time to think through. Hopefully, I’ll make the right decision. Because I am quite sure I did with my choice of life partner (at least for now).