I don't know why today I feel like there's nothing that can make me feel better. Got so disappointed on something rather trivial (not for me though).

That being Christian is not only about praying and going to church. It is a value of life: positivism, and perseverance, and true love. 

Happy Christmas!

Hopefully A Conclusion

I have been trying to sit down, relax and write -just want to crystallize all blessings I have received throughout the year, all the lessons learned, the joy and the beauty altogether. Am thankful for my Dad and Mom, brother and sister, grandma & extended family, for old & new friends, and most of all for the sweetest partner in crime. Those are the ones that really made the year such a joyous, yet meaningful ride. 

While 2013 is a year full of 'lessons', 2014 is indeed brighter. It taught me different lessons that I gladly embraced. Work and the tough demands, personal relationship with bf and closed friends and family, new people I have met, all taught me 'hard' on multiple different angles of my personality. It's been rough, but I can't be more grateful for what have happened. I learned a lot. 

Would be impossible for me to write them all down, but I will try to capture some of the most memorable ones (those I might discover back in the old days, but found a momentum to be rediscovered this year):

That the most noble work a child can do is to devote his/her life to care about his/her parents.

It is still being discussed (in my head), as I am still being so selfish with my life I rarely devote my resources to my parents. A discussion with the beloved one taught me hard on how many times children feel privileged. They feel they deserve the rights to be loved, to enjoy good education and life and be raised with love. What they sometimes forget is the fact that they do have the duty to payback. Or perhaps, let's not use the word duty. But, wouldn't it be wonderful if someone fights and works hard not only to satisfy one self, but also to take care of their parents?

That wisdom is not about being understanding on plenty different occasions, it is, in fact, about being aware of the things that you can and cannot control.

Enough said? Being mature and wise means you can differentiate the things that you can control and the rest. So, stop being so resistant and hardheaded on the things that you can do nothing about. I would always tell people about this analogy of your hand lines (that the one in your right hand doesn't change and the one in your left does -in fact it changes everyday). In life, there are things God has given to you as an ultimate gift, e.g. family; and there are things that you can change, e.g. career. Wisdom is in fact the ability to differentiate and act accordingly.

That looking at the view in details can kill you at a point; 

and that have a bigger perspective help you succeed

I get happy easily because of small things, but get easily stressed because of the same small stuffs.Compared to the person I ****, he has this big-picture-mindset as in he sees things a bigger perspective. He would zoom out the moment he is in, and see it in a 10 years frame, and find that it really does not matter -what happened to you today that made you sad. I realize that I focused too much on those little details, I need to at least adjust, else I wouldn't be happy for the rest of my life -I would get stuck, stay fixated on the small small stuffs that in many times do not count. He also mentioned how people nowadays tend to sacrifice many things in life (i.e. a career) for a short term reward. People forget what they want to achieve in 10 years, and go only for the 1-2 year experience that might only hinder them going where they need to go. I guess, we don't want to lose perspective, right? We better see things in a bigger frame as much as we like to stay in the details.

That people don't really change. 

Especially parents. However hard you want them (and other people) to change, it is a waste of time. Because you, yourself, you don't really change. You are the same person that can claim to have been beaten up and mentally abused but still have a good heart, if you do. You are the same person that is whiny and ungrateful and you can't really change anything about it. However, to live  harmoniously pushes you to not just live with 'take it or leave it' attitude. You can be better -you just need to work hard for it. And praying is not the key. Ora et Labora is. You work hard and ask God for help. 

That there's no such thing as perfection. 

All that is left is plenty of hard works. 

There's no perfect job. Steve Jobs did not get where he was just because. He got there with hard works. Again, the young generations or perhaps naive youngsters still believe that there is an ideal job where you have great boss, great development opportunity, great money, great position, great environment in their first year of work. It didn't happen in a blink of an eye, sadly. It comes with perspiration and perseverance. Even in the most comfortable job that you do, you will still find something that makes you uncomfortable, some tasks that you just want to get over with. It applies to relationship as well. There's no such thing as perfect match. People need to work hard to make relationships work, without any single exception. 

That stress management is a skill you need to develop over time 

to be able to survive anywhere in the world. 

Illnesses come and go, but who knows that the biggest trigger is your stress level? Nothing new, actually. People always thought that as long as you have good grades, can-do attitude and a little bit of luck, you can conquer the world. Honestly, the one thing people forget is the ability to handle and manage stress level. It is a thing you must require to be able to survive anywhere you go. Still related to the 'wisdom' point, you need to adjust the mechanism (to handle stress) accordingly. Start identifying things you can't really control and move on?

That there are things in life you just need to accept. 

Heard this phrase in October, and decided to leave the place I worked for because I couldn't accept the fact that people make decisions without consulting with me (when I am the stakeholders affected from the decisions). Life is unfair, indeed. Work is unfair, indeed. People would ramble on how I should be more mature in accepting those kind of things, that it happens anywhere you work, etc. Well, I have chosen to accept the fact that it's been an 'abusive' relationship I have with work, and it's time to let go, for the better future ahead. Not that I don't love it anymore, I still pour my heart into it, I just need to move on -embrace all the uncertainty to stand for what I believe in. At the end of the day, it's never that simple. It's complicated, yet I have thought about it. 

That it all starts in the family.. 

I have known many good families all my life, those whose parents are still celebrating their anniversaries, spending the time together in a romantic trip, or those who hold hands during church time. But I realize how deep it is to actually have a family that is built on great values. The ones whose parents converse on the vision they want to achieve together as a family. The ones who raise the children with maturity, training them to analyze, criticize and be opened with various perspectives. Or the ones who teach the children on honesty, humility and hard work. Family, is something that you can't take for granted. It takes commitment and hard work to build a great one. The impact is everlasting so you better be extra careful with all decisions you have. At the end of the day, you want to deliver meaningful individual into the world, not just someone that people will forget, or even hate. 

That being 'self-less' is the key

Individualism kept you fixated on your own self. You care for nothing but yourself. You are busy making yourself happy, sometimes at the expense of other people. Worse, you don't care if you do. Unfortunately, life is about living with each other, it's all about relationships you make at home, at school, at work, at your community, etc. People used to get carried away with what they think is best for them, they tend to forget that other people are involved and so many things wouldn't go as planned, for the sake of everyone's interests. To be able to sustain and grow a relationship, you need to step back, and take off your self glass for a while, to see the others from a different perspective. From the bonum commune perspective. That life is about sustaining the life together with other people. 

That good people attract good people

Read: http://desireoflife.blogspot.com/2014/03/good-heart.html

That fighting actually helps you to know the other person better

It hurts, really, when you fight and feel so uncomfortable. But then I figured a lot of things I thought never existed when we tried to reconcile. I began to see even deeper the person I care about, and he is the most wonderful person I could imagine, with his perspectives and careful thoughts. I am in love -deeply, madly, in love.

Cheers to 2015. For the brigther, brighter year ahead. 

Hold my hand and talk to me. Will you?

Every morning spent with you is the moment I treasure......

I find people who write too sexy.

Seandainya saja kamu bisa berbohong, atau berpura-pura, bahwa kebahagiaan ini bukan karena dia. Seandainya saja kamu bisa memandang ini semua dari sudut yang berbeda. Bahwa sudah sepatutnya kamu menciptakan kebahagiaan kamu sendiri. Bahwa kamu tidak dapat menjadikan dirinya sumber kebahagiaanmu. 

Kenapa harus salah?

XO

Your love is bright as ever

Even in the shadows
Baby kiss me
Before they turn the lights out
Your heart is glowing
And I’m crashing into you
Baby kiss me
Before they turn the lights out
Before they turn the lights out
Baby love me lights out

In the darkest night I’ll
I’ll search through the crowd
Your face is all that I see
I’ll give you everything
Baby love me lights out
Baby love me lights out
You can turn my light down

We don’t have forever
Ooh, baby daylight’s wasting
You better kiss me
Before our time is run out (yeah, eh, eh)
Nobody sees what we see
They’re just hopelessly gazing
Baby take meBefore they turn the lights out
Before time is run out
Baby love me lights out

Just realized how interesting and relaxing and energizing and meaningful our conversation was. And healthy. What a loving night.

Thinking Out Loud

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand

Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen
Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
I just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are, oh

Reality Bites

How many times do people get their reality check? I guess this is not my second or third. It has happened for so many times this year. Sucks, much. Hopefully it's not for nothing.

***

For too many times, we take things for granted, living life as usual because we do not see the importance in changing. We got stuck with the same sins every time, it becomes questionable if we will ever be a better person. I might raise a question on whether other people actually commit themselves to change and do it or they just forget all the sermons in the church/mosque and move on. 

So I don't believe the term when someone said 'my partner makes me a better person.' Why? Simply because I thought I was better then when I met this guy, yet I actually don't change quite a bit. I am still this person with a dangerous level of negativity, I am still this bitter lady -which strikes me. tremendously. Yes, that's my first reality check after the last time (God knows when). 

What about the second? Reality slaps me in the most inconvenient time possible. I just can never use the same old excuse that tells everyone 'this is who I am and my partner should accept me for that.'

Cinderella does not exist in the real world. So, there is no such thing as accepting each other wholly. People adapt and make compromises. For me, it's a real mental revolution. A tough, challenging one. One mission impossible, I can say. 

I have this bad habit I brought up from my previous relationships. A habit that I thought made me who I am so nobody should ever mess around instead of accepting it. It's just one destructive habit one should never carry over. Thanks to my new close friends, they forced me to confront that truth. Before, I was just…running away from everything and then I decided to embrace the truth. That I am such a bad, bad, bad girlfriend. Anything would just get ugly every time I did not get what I want. 

I am left with two options. Stay the same and leave this relationship or change and get a chance to stay. 

And the idea of changing is never easy. Saying it is so damn easy, doing it is an entirely different challenge. Especially when you have inhabited it for so long, and found no one complaining about it. 

You hate this. But you have no options. Seriously, number 1 is never an option. 

Here I am, living like I had two personalities. I keep telling my mind that I should never be A. Whenever the rage arouse, the fight starts on its own. 

Lean on Him is the my only escape.

Ingin aku mengutuk diri atas kekerdilan hati dan iman. Kenapa tak pernah berpuas diri, Gadis? Kenapa selalu ada yang salah? Kenapa harus selalu rendah diri dan skeptis?

The Way You Make Me Feel

You may say I am naive, or in love. Well, it's true. I am in love, but that doesn't mean I can't think straight. I just think that he is perfect. He is genuine, everything he does and says, it's all coming from his heart (mostly from his brain, I guess), but still, he is perfect.

I am so in love. Yeah, I can tell.

The 'Selfie'

HK

And the most irritating part is the FINANCIAL issue. Seriously, I feel so fatigue to learn that today, it's all about money, money, money. Can't you just leave me in peace? Really??????

Why can't I have a meaningful job and forget about money?

Why is this always about you, huh?

Professional Life?

Kehidupan professional itu tak lain dari hubungan tarik menarik, dorong mendorong. I don’t even know how to describe it. I just feel the push for too many times already, and I kinda feel tired. Yet, at the end, you do the same for everyone. And perhaps that push is the one that keeps things move, you know? You may hate it that much, but well, that’s part of life.

I wonder why people still think I am naïve. Honestly, I feel better than the rest of my peers who still have this ideal picture of working life. I don’t think I have the similar view. I got my reality check to push me enough to grow up and embrace the real world.

But, well, you know, I know I still want my ideals to stand up. A clash of working culture forced me to stand up for my ideals and quit. So, still naïve, I guess?

I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

Wedding Vow?

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,   

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:   

I love you as one loves certain obscure things,   

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries   

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,   

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose   

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,   

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,   

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,   

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Pablo Neruda, “One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII” from The Essential Neruda: Selected Poems

Pengkotbah 3:11

"Ia membuat segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya, bahkan Ia memberikan kekekalan dalam hati mereka. Tetapi manusia tidak dapat menyelami pekerjaan yang dilakukan Allah dari awal sampai akhir."

Hidup Itu Keras, Bung!

Hidup itu keras. Basi ya tahunya? Emang nih. Sebelumnya, siapa yang kira sih work life bakal segininya? Tapi memang ya, seketika saya masuk ke dunia kerja yang sesungguhnya (bukan magang), terasa betul 'aroma' kerasnya. 

Saya mungkin bisa berkelit dengan berkata bahwa ini soal 'boss'-nya saja. Tapi pengalaman akhir-akhir ini berkata lain. Hidup itu keras, terutama di dunia kerja, terlepas dari organisasi, industri, pekerjaan apapun yang digeluti, termasuk orang-orang yang diajak berinteraksi. 

Kalau tidak punya atasan yang serba sulit, bertemu dengan klien yang sulit, atau bawahan yang sulit, atau vendor yang sulit, hidup akan jadi sama sulitnya. 

Hari ini saya frustrasi, 70%-nya bukan karena atasan yang sulit, tetapi karena vendor yang sulit. Bagaimana tidak, kami mempekerjakan mereka karena membutuhkan keahlian dan rekomendasi mereka. Tetapi kalau saya jadi menghabiskan waktu berhari-hari memeriksa dan merevisi pekerjaan mereka, dan hasilnya kemudian tidak digubris, siapa sih yang tahan?

Jadi, atasan yang sulit saja tidak kemudian membuat hidup sulit. Segala-galanya membuat hidup sulit. Dunia kerja itu tidak seindah apa yang pernah saya bayangkan. Yang aneh, kenapa bisa terbayang dunia kerja itu lebih menyenangkan dari dunia kuliah sih?

Karena kenyataannya sama sekali bertolak belakang. Dunia kuliah itu dunia yang ideal. Kita bisa bersikukuh dengan pendapat pribadi dan tidak akan ada orang yang mampu menentang. Seburuk-buruknya, kita kehilangan teman. Tapi kita tetap bisa berpegang teguh pada pendirian itu. 

Di dunia kerja, sayangnya, hal tersebut tidak berlaku. Kalau terlalu ngotot, yang ada kita bisa dipecat. 

Kalau selama berkuliah kita bisa mengatur sendiri waktu mengerjakan tugas, di dunia kerja, terlalu banyak tuntutan yang harus dipenuhi. Dan ada banyak orang yang terlibat. Jadi tidak bisa sesukanya saja. Tidak bisa se-target oriented itu lagi. 

Senaif-naifnya saya hari ini, toh saya tetap harus lembur sekian lama mengerjakan pekerjaan. Persetan dengan work-life balance. Kalau mau dapat dihargai karena hasil pekerjaan yang baik (yang dalam jangka panjang mempengaruhi eksistensi kita di satu organisasi), ya mau tidak mau harus tahan ditempa macam hari ini. 

Keras ya? Basi memang, tapi itulah kenyataannya.

Berkeluh Kesah?

Kesendirian bagiku selalu mencekam. Tapi tidak kali ini. Aku belajar banyak dari kesendirian, dari jarak dan perbedaan waktu. Belajar memahami kelemahan dan ruang kosong yang ada pada diri. Belajar bahwa sesungguhnya aku tidak pernah berubah, mungkin tidak banyak.

Aku masih saja diliputi kecemasan, kepalaku dipenuhi oleh ide-ide skeptis mengenai kehidupan, dan tentu saja tentang kehidupan personal. Tidak puas rasanya memiliki seseorang yang begitu baik, dewasa, cerdas, menawan. Ketakutanku menggerogoti diri, mengirimkan signal untuk berjaga-jaga, bahwa sesungguhnya semua ini hanya mimpi. Semuanya tidak pernah seindah kehidupan orang lain. Bahwa waktu begitu lambat bergulir dan bahwa hubungan ini tidak berkembang layaknya hubungan orang lain.

Tapi hari ini lain. Aku sadar betul pentingnya bersyukur. Kehidupan si T mungkin dipenuhi banyak manusia-manusia menarik. Hubungan si B dengan pasangannya begitu dewasa. Waktu bergulir cepat untuk si A dan si B sehingga setidaknya masa depan yang membahagiakan bagi mereka bisa diperkirakan dan membuat keduanya tidak perlu cemas lagi.

Memang, aku terus bertanya-tanya apakah kami bisa terus menjalani ini semua, ataukah ia bisa diajak bicara dewasa tentang apa saja. Karena aku tidak ingin terkesan mendorong-dorong dirinya karena tergesa-gesa ingin menikah. Tapi ada banyak pertanyaan di kepalaku yang ingin aku lontarkan. Dan aku tidak ingin menunggu waktu mengungkapkan segalanya. Karena tidak semua hal bisa dimunculkan oleh waktu.

Sampai aku menemukan fakta baru yang mengejutkan. Seorang teman lama di negeri kincir angin sudah punya anak. Tetapi tidak punya pekerjaan, sehingga tidak mungkin untuk menikah.

Tinggal di Indonesia mungkin terasa menyengat. Hidup di negara lain memang lebih menggiurkan. Tetapi semuanya ada di sini. Kesempatan untuk hidup dengan baik, bahkan untuk mengejar ilmu tanpa biaya sepeser pun. Negara ini, dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangannya masih bisa menawarkan kesempatan, unlike some countries.

Jadi mengapa berkeluh kesah? As much as I hate some part of the works, I still have a job. As much as I hate being away (because I just realized how I need to have a constant physical meeting and interaction), I still have the best boyfriend in the world.

So yes, this ‘vacant’ time between us, it’s good to know if we’re meant for each other. If we really need each other.

FAMILY

Being taken for granted, or taking things for granted is such a usual thing. I think people are so used to not being mindful about many things in life. I can say especially for those who live in privileges. I am included.

Nevertheless, that's not my point. My real intention was to write about how people take 'parenting' for granted. How many people on earth actually care about parenting? Like, really think through of how prepared they are to have kids, mentally, physically and financially?  How many out there who actually learn how to be good parents, look for references, get involved in tons of discussion before they actually have kids?

My guess? Not many. Seriously. 

In Indonesia, the worst thing is that people are so keen of getting married. Being married is like a must have in life, people get proud being able to host a glamorous wedding day. The question is, do they see marriage as a means to build a family, that also means raising kids and preparing them to contribute to the world?

I don't know many people that actually think about that. Many would just think about working on the differences the couple have, focusing more on the relationship, but that's just it. No more discussion about how they would raise their kids, what kind of value would they teach, what kind of character they wish the children to have, etc. 

People care much about the wedding day and how marriage affect them as human being (that they don't have to be alone, they now have a partner in life), but that's it. That is disappointing. Because I wish my parents set aside their differences in parenting, not only their opinions about things. I wish they really planned out how they expect the kids to be raised. 

Okay, not that I am being ungrateful of my parents. I just wished things were different because there were chances to do better plannings, that would have resulted in better outcomes. 

This is the blablabla part. People don't get me when I am being to abstract. 

Well, both of them really have contrasting view of the importance of education. My Dad would never understand why my Mom pushed my brother that hard to actually get good grades at school. In fact, they always fought with each other when my Mom voiced out high tone just to get my brother study before the exam. My Dad thought it's ridiculous to re-learn all the things that had been thought by the tutor after school. Unfortunately, my Mom knew better. He knew my brother did not get the lesson in the most benefiting way. She knew he needed to study further to prepare for the exam. But my Dad did not. So they fought. Many times. 

Small things like that. I can mention a lot more, but my point is, I wish, as  an adult they sorted this whole parenting things out, even before they got married. And I wish the same things for thousands of people who are getting married these days. 

Because the stake is even higher. These days, isn't it super hard to become a parent?

Being bombarded with the ease of technology, the spirit of 'freedom of expression', worldwide information, hedonism culture, kids these days face a greater challenge than ever before. Various information at the tip of their fingers can be a double-edge sword. If they can optimize it to explore the world, console their curiosity and challenge their assumptions, of course it's great. But the same information, if not sorted well, can challenge their beliefs, values, culture and many other good things that the family has tried to internalize since they were still little. 

Families are no longer their utmost reference. Their peers are.  What's right and wrong are now determined by the mass. So hedonism can become a way of life so easily, just because the majority believes so. 

It is going to be harder for parents to instill ideas like altruism, volunteerism, tolerance and understanding when the example is so far away. The growing middle class are living in a better era where it's quite hard to stay grounded. You live in a neighborhood where you no longer find homeless people, or green area, or public areas and facilities. You no longer share. You have everything on your own. You live wealthy or at least decent. You are so far from pity. You no longer appreciate small cents and you have no idea how much it worth for other people. And so you don't teach your kids those kind of things. Because it's just too far away from your comfortable life. 

And so these kind of things, people hardly talk about when they're getting married. Maybe even after they have kids. They just don't realize how important it is to set the right mindset in the mind of children. Because not many people realize that parenting is the most important job in the world. You prepare someone to be able to survive. Not only that, you want him and her to succeed. You want them to be good. You want them to also meet someone as good. 

The other thing that frustrates me is the all-Indonesian thing. We just live in such a corrupt environment that we, without conscience, teach our kids that tax is supposed to be avoided. Putting a seat belt on is so that police won't catch you. Rules are to be broken. And so many other frustrating things surround you. 

There's no obedience to the law whatsoever. And so the generation pass on this belief to others and we preserve the broken rules over and over again. Things that seriously rotten the system no matter how good it's made. 

We don't realize the power of family. How it builds people's character, that adds up to a nation. And so we remain the same forever. 

This generation is supposed to change the world, with all of the ease of life the world has offered. But it will always remain the same if we don't start from ourselves. As simple as thinking from the smallest cell, family. 

So next time you want to think about marriage, think about what kind of people you want to deliver to this earth. Will he/she be worth the space and the resources? Will he/she contribute to the betterment of the beings, or will he/she be a shame?

Unfairness

I think it's easy to fall in love with you and your family, but maybe it doesn't work the other way around.

That's why I think it's irrelevant to judge someone from his/her family background. Because at the end of the day, you don't really have the rights to choose. You just need to accept those things beyond your control.

Nobody could ever choose not to be the son of a drugdealer, nor an alcoholic. Everyone wants to grow up in a loving family that shows respect to each of the family member.

Unfortunately, that does not occur to anyone. And it's really unfair to decide based on those facts. It can be your consideration point, but that should not cloud your judgment.

Oh.. What am I thinking?

When you feel super worthless, and you have done nothing to your surroundings.

Disease?

Today turns out to be beyond my expectation. I woke up with no idea what I should do to be okay. Feeling lost is like my daily meal, so, waking up without having ideas in mind is just another day to me.

So, I spent the entire afternoon with my bestie, laughing on a lot of things, having a quality time together. The rest of the evening was with someone relatively new yet certainly has a big heart to handle me. 

Surprisingly, the topic was exactly the same. Mostly, it's all about him. 

Ck ck ck... I wonder how guys can fill up a room that big in your heart till you can't even stop talking about him, even in different occasions with different companies.

And so I realized what a liar I was. I was wrong to think that I'd be okay to let the relationship end. I was totally wrong. The fact that I spent so long just to talk about him, and definitely think about him, I can tell I care much. Beyond what words can explain. Seriously.

Now, I feel rather pathetic. Is it a girl's disease? Or it's just me? Because I know guys don't waste time doing the same thing. At least the guys I know.. (the mature ones) 

Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite

Well, Paul Arden really got a point, because whatever all ladies were thinking on their relationships, they were looking at it the wrong way. Ladies might feel secure by their intellectual capacity, independency, empathy, and caring attitude. But hey, those are not not something a guy would look for. At least, those are not the most important thing.

According to a guy I respect, guys look for comfort. They already handle stressful decisions throughout the day working, they don't need anymore arguments that would only show how intelligent the girl is, or any issues that force them to use the brain heavily. They need comforting conversations, they need not whines nor complicated story on how the girl dealt with her insecurities. 

So we might be dealing with this stuff wrong all along. 

The question I have yet been able to answer is the fact that ladies love to share a lot of things, including how her day went, or how frustrating the work was, etc. How do you then combine these two contrasting tendencies?

Anybody?

Beyond Lucky

I am too lucky to have this guy as a partner. How lucky? Lucky enough to spend a short time after his long day at work (16 straight hours) to eat our favorite food and get my crab taken care of -right when his next long flight is exactly in 12 hours.

Who else would do that to me?

Heavy

Well, I kinda of didn't expect myself to be this gloomy. As a matter of fact, some things are fine, nothing much to be worried about. But yes, I am in my negative mood. I just turn gold into mud whenever it happens.

I began to worry much about my personal relationships, focus on the things that frustrated me, or start imagining things (bad ones). I then developed this suspicion that might be entirely wrong. 

Quite messed up? Indeed.

Now, am just afraid that I would lose him because of my weirdness. Oh....

Sleepover

So happy to reconnect with Alda after quite a while. This is quality time. You just talk endlessly without the need to worry about time. You exchange ideas, share problems and solutions, be there for each other. 

Although I ended up thinking about a lot of stuffs that probaly I shouldn't bother, I feel so glad that we spend the night together, watching two extremely different movies and enjoyed each other's company. 

I wish I could do that with you. 

Excuses

You always find excuses in everything you failed doing. You said 'work is crazy' and that is enough to prevent you from taking care of yourself: eat healthy, exercise regularly, have enough sleep. You lie to yourself. What a liar.

Marriage

Another friend of mine is getting married. Nowadays, it seems like each month is filled with those happy news. Certainly, people ask when my turn is going to be, and I would tell them, again and again, it might still be a long shot for me. Not because I don't think he is not the one. Not at all, but since we are still in the early stage of relationship and there is no rush, we might as well get to know each other deeper before even thinking about going to the next step.

However, if I can be very frank, I think now I am leaning more towards confused than clear if I totally understand what it means to be married. Yes, I do imagine my wedding day all the time, or waking up with someone you love next to you, going to beautiful places together, not having to be alone forever, or raising kids together, but..what is marriage? What is this institution all about? What does it mean? And what are the consequences?

If I thought I have always wanted to get married, have I thoroughly thought this through? Or I am just as clueless as many of my peers?

Now, I am not so sure I truly understand what it means. In fact, I need to revisit the whole thing before having a say on it. 

I simply don't want to be lost. Not for the rest of my life.

This is what happened when you barely slept for a week but you promised a family to organize a lunch :p

Aku sedang bertumbuh. Sedang di persimpangan. Di tempat di mana menjadi naif dan menerima realita beradu pandangan. Rasanya ingin aku jadi kerdil saja. Tidak perlu bertumbuh dalam suasana serba tidak nyaman begini. Aku terus ingin berkubang dalam kolam kenyamanan, tanpa perlu menggubris lalu lalang orang yang berkeliaran.

Aku benci bertumbuh. Tapi aku harus. Aku tidak punya pilihan. 

Kalau aku benar ingin jadi lilin, aku perlu dibakar untuk dapat memberi guna. 

Dan sekali saja berpikir dunia ini tidak melulu mengenai diriku.

Happy Birthday, Dearest Teguh Situmorang

Magic?

Isn't it magical? The fact that I met this wonderful guy, from a wonderful family, having this amazing affection not only to me but also to his surroundings?

Why am I so blessed? 

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me today, about obiedience, about patience, about sincerity, about the right spirit. 

I am beyond thankful. Yes, he is totally worth the fight.

It is always easy to give up. It is always easy to be a quitter, or a loser.

It has been a tough week, a long day. I just hope I did the right thing.

Beginning or End?

It is always easy to feel that you are broken; to be the victim; to feel weak as if everything is beyond your control. There are in fact too many times I let my emotions define who I am. 

Things went different way this time. It is no longer a good type of 'peeling' anymore. You have come to the scar, and for sure it is nothing convenient. You have come to the idea of losing, of letting go if things go unwell.

Weird, but you feel nothing but ready. Is that even a sign? 

Out of words. Your body can't lie, though.

Learning To Accept The Reality

When you can't sleep because you thought you couldn't accept it. 

In the end, you know you'll end up just find.

I believe we know exactly what we need. We know our strengths and weaknesses at the same time. We know how to make our lives more meaningful, yet under whatever reasons, we just let ourselves get carried away. Something is definitely wrong here. Please tell me why.

I am fantasizing many things, good and bad. I know I'll lose you because I did these for so many times. I am nothing but a broken glass, I can't be fixed. 

Here's The Reason Why

I hate to be so insecure that I need a pity. 

Had these amazing ideas of how we should spend meaningful times together. Hiking to the peaks (haha I know how random it sounds), do a movie marathon, read books and have that silly yet insightful discussion, do some sport exercises together, participate in some volunteering activities, cook together or many other splendid things. Hmmmmm.....

So content.

What makes you special is that you are extremely genuine. You make people happy because you have enough happiness to give to. And that is priceless.

Dunia Sekitar

Pernahkah kau berpikir
Hidupmu tidak adil
Karna engkau merasa
Kecewa karna hal yang kecil kau anggap besar
Seakan hidup ini berakhir

Tidakkah kau merasa
Harusnya kau berpikir
Masalahmu yang kecil
Tidak sebanding dengan apa yang dirasakan
Banyak manusia diluar sana

Hai cobalah kau melihat
Dunia disekitar
Dengan mata hatimu
So give your love
Your love
Your love
Your love
C'mon people

Hingga engkau mengerti
Tidak banyak manusia
Seberuntung dirimu
Yang berharap uluran tangan tak kunjung datang
Namun senyumnya tak pernah hilang

Jadi mulai sekarang
Cobalah tetap senang
Saat cobaan datang
Karna itu akan selalu datang dan hilang
Seperti hari siang dan malam

Hai cobalah kau melihat
Dunia disekitar
Dengan mata hatimu

Gimme your love
Your love
Your love
Your love
C'mon people

Langkah manusia menjadi nyata
Saat bertindak bukan berkata
Belajar makna dari senyuman mereka

So c'mon people
Let's do it now
Let's do it now

Langkah manusia menjadi nyata
Saat bertindak bukan berkata
Belajar makna dari senyuman mereka

This person seriously has no idea how amazing he is. To be short, he is one of the nicest things that ever happened to my life. Just one out of few people that I truly respect and adore. He is just kind-hearted, above all. And the fact that he might not even realize it, amazes me even more. 

You are so tender.

When you give your best, you care not for what the result is anymore. You just feel 'great'. And that is all that matters.

I am so upset I can't think straight.

Wondering why marriage changes people. Why do a couple, full of love in their initial days, change after several years of marriage? Why now some are full of hatred to each other? And why do even some get separated? What changed?

Nope Nope

I looked at my watch just now, and realized how people these days judge everything by its look, or at least by how a thing makes them feel when they use it, or how it makes them look.

Call me basi, I know I am, but we are so blinded by that. I know I could get a so much better watch with better quality and specification than this one, with a lesser price but apparently I ended up buying this one instead -only because how it looks good on me. 

Unfortunately, we use that same principle over people, when it comes to interviewing. Isn't it so bias? Brata and I got into this discussion on how a candidate used color contact lenses that didn't match her skin tone. Really? Isn't that so low? But that's exactly what happened. 

We just couldn't stand commenting on people's appearance, could we? But to use that as one consideration, are you serious? Well, in one occassion he said, 'I am going to work with that person, remember?'

So yes, that kind of rules (judging a book by its cover) applies everywhere, however idealistic you'd like to defend whatever you want to defend. 

It's so mean, but it happens in today's world, dear. We purchased shoes sometimes not because they suit us comfortably, but because they make us look gorgeous in there. Even if we feel terrible in them. What a stupid fact.

Sleeping Pills

P: "It would have been better if we have never met. None of these would ever happened."

J: "Pocahontas, I would rather die tomorrow, then to live hundred years without knowing you."

...

"If I never knew you.. If I never felt this love, I would have no inkling of how precious life can be.. 

and if I never met you, I would never have a clue, how at last I'd find in you the missing part of me.. 

In this world so full of fears, full of rage and lies, I can see the truth so clear in your eyes, so dry your eyes.."

Pocahontas

If I never knew you

If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious live can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the true so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole live through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right...
Oh, if I never knew you There's no moment I regret
If I never knew this love Since the moment that we met
I would have no inkling of If our time has gone too fast
How precious life can be... I've lived at last...
I thought our love would be so beautiful, so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is saying we were right...
We were right...
And if I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through...
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

Hidden Gem

He is the kind of person who made me realize that love is indeed a verb, instead of mere noun. It's a constant act of sharing.

It is not an objective, but an ongoing effort.

Thank you, dear. It means the world to me.

Birthday Reflection

This crazy stomachache couldn't find me in a worse day. Yes, just right on my birthday, it came up and got me struggling much, even to sleep fitfully. But always, I believe there's always a meaningful purpose behind all things, including this terrible feeling. 

It provides me the right time to actually reflect, looking back at how I spent 22 years of my life, whether I have done justice to it, or not. 

Well, what can I say? I guess worrisome has been my constant friend, but today, it sounds more like "kegalauan" instead. My indecisiveness kills me most of the time, wasted my time. But I could really feel that I am growing, hopefully towards a better person. Being stubborn is one thing, but I think I acquire a little degree of flexibility in coping with uncertainty (hopefully). 

I realized how naive I have been. I rejected people's ideas although knowing they tried to help simplify my thinking process. I would not like their framework or approach, (as usual) I became very strong-headed, even to just try. Hmmm… 

What I feel most thankful for, is my beloved family and closed ones. I feel so blessed to have them today. Got plenty of new friends, wonderful ones, insightful and inspiring at the same time. My windows of opportunity to gain knowledge are as broad as the horizon, so to lebaufully say. Hahahahaha. 

Thank you, Lord, for the amazing life. It's been a great, great journey with You by my side. 

.....if only you knew..

I quite don't know what else would actually drive you to survive like last night, if not your work. You love it that much, don't you?

Curriculum?

Still related to my suspect on our failing education system, I then remember my conversation with Inaya the other day. We started off with discussion on curriculum, how I, a member of one study in the local university, felt it betrayed me for four years I wasted for very little substantial knowledge. Okay, I might not be the most diligent student back then, I skipped many classes, but it's crazy how many classes I attended did not really contribute to my career today. Hey, not that it's not related to my current occupation, but I don't think it's growing me to certain level in the industry. Okay, it might be too early for me to judge, but seriously, I feel like I could skip all the classes, read a book, then came out just fine. 

Am disappointed with the teachers, with the curriculum itself, I was asking if there's a way I could contribute more. To my surprise, Inaya started telling me the whole system that constituted a curriculum. I couldn't imagine something even more complicated, but I am disappointed knowing that it is the broken skeleton that causes all these.

The system, like many bureaucracy, was not meant for effectiveness. No details could do justice to its complication. In the other hand, the leaders (and the rest of the human resources) was so resistant to change they don't allow critical change to take place even though it's freaking necessary for the future. No road map, no blue print. No single-focused goal to achieve. No wonder it's been like super lenient and blurry these whole times. 

I am surprised to the fact that if I really want a curriculum to work, the grinding work needs to start as basic as the skeleton build. A strong, solid foundation needs to be established, but notwithstanding the right people to run it. 

It sounds cliche and so last year, I know. It's just so unbelievable despite all advancement and wind of change. Still a lot to go. But that's exactly why strong leaders are needed in the country. To work their magic and sweep all the filthy (oh how I sound so rude).

Does Our Education System Fail Us?

In case you haven't figured it out, I realized how 'aggressive' our Indonesian students who studied abroad are (in a best way). Seriously, too many of them came home and had this idea of setting up their own business -which is amazing and heartwarming at one hand. What makes me itchy is the fact that very few Indonesian students who studied in the local universities actually dared to do just that. Very few of us, dare to take risks just to implement all the business plans created out of a school project (means they had been tested and scored). How many of these business students who are actually out there and do their 'stuffs'? I found too many hiding behind the excuse of 'learning from the corporate first, starting up venture later', 'I need to reserve some capital before starting mg own business', etc. Not many have gone creative to loan some money, pitch an investment, or other plans. They don't even want to make the first move. 

In here, people still think that working for multinational company is the way to go. It's the God of the commercial industries. Well, I am included. Not that I want to work for multinational company, but that I don't dare to take those risks, afraid that being a boss of your own thing is not sexy enough because it's not shining in your CV -at least not as shining as working for "Unilever" or "P&G". Stupid me, you can say. But yes, I still believe that building your entrepreneurship should be your last goal in life. Only after you achieve certain level in your career, then you can start your own, with the knowledge and capital you have. 

I am not sure if it's the system that fails us, or the capital of those studying abroad just got into the process. I am leaning to the first option though, really. Why would you spend 3 years in business school just to end up being someone's slave? True that we can gain something out of working for big corporations, but what's holding us back? Why does the knowledge we gained out of college is not enough to start? Why do the business plans stay in your laptop??

Seriously, there's gotta be something wrong. 

Tumben Bijaksana

Life may not have been this (wonderfully) hard. I see people who put real trusts, show great care, and the same time burning passion in a certain degree. Ideally, you can get a golden ticket; get a position where you can develop tremendously; be passionate about the job; create high impact and live wealthy. But that, my friend, is not what I am getting.

I am getting a serious challenge instead; one that I know will contribute much to my maturity. I am faced with a number of options. Great options, by the way. And after thorough deliberation, I am proud that the real dilemma can be narrowed down into three options.

The first one allows me to learn something that I think (at least right now) I am passionate about. I can pursue my dream to create an impact in an organization, through its people. The downside is, the organization has faced a reputation challenge in the past, the one that I feel really irritated about because I am afraid it will ruin mine too. But the promise is high, also is the appreciation, the seriousness, it’s the best.

The second one, allows me to experience “real business”, ups and downs and at the same time, sense of authority – an opportunity to become a real leader, in such young age. It’s going to give me the set skills I need to survive anywhere in my career. The downside is the fact that this is not what I have wanted to master at, which is human development.

The third one is my comfort zone, the place where I know exactly what’s in front of my eyes, including what I will and will not get out of the process. It provides me the chance and work with talented people, which so far has rewarded me with huge positive energy.

Some part of my brain pushes me to go with my pre-determined goal, which is to become a specialist. I badly want to deep dive into something real (something that is not a function). Passion is, without doubt, the torch in this journey.

The other part of me struggled much not to miss an opportunity to become a true leader, warrior and gladiator. In the end, I don’t know. I always end up getting confused. One person asked me to follow my heart (actually everybody did, including myself). Maybe, that is where I shall go.

It’s now a virtue and a curse of being someone who was born as part of generation Y. I aspire big. I hope these opportunities will come at the right time (read: soonest in life).

I was born in the era when people told you to just work according to your passion that you don’t settle for less than the work you love (Steve Jobs). Unfortunately, we fail to recognize the fact that time does its own math and logic. Things don’t fall into places at the wrong time. They do when they think it’s time.

You thought you know what’s ahead of you and what you really, really want. In fact, you might be wrong, for you are not exposed to the “real world” yet. You can be stubborn you want to accelerate every process. You want to fast forward your career to the phase where you enjoy making impactful decision to certain number of people, with great set of challenges that keep you grow or positive energy and rewarding compensation. But hey, we need to know what we need to know.

Processes taught us best. We just need to get through the processes, with patience and continuous hard work, where Napoleon Hill added perspiration and persistence on to the table. 

Only by then, we can find a victory in leading oneself, to allow process take part in the journey. Also to train us to listen to our soul and heart. My journey just gets started. And I’m thrilled beyond words. First step, is definitely to decide what’s next, by following my heart. If I take wrong call, I know I’ll learn much from the process.