Reality Bites

How many times do people get their reality check? I guess this is not my second or third. It has happened for so many times this year. Sucks, much. Hopefully it's not for nothing.

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For too many times, we take things for granted, living life as usual because we do not see the importance in changing. We got stuck with the same sins every time, it becomes questionable if we will ever be a better person. I might raise a question on whether other people actually commit themselves to change and do it or they just forget all the sermons in the church/mosque and move on. 

So I don't believe the term when someone said 'my partner makes me a better person.' Why? Simply because I thought I was better then when I met this guy, yet I actually don't change quite a bit. I am still this person with a dangerous level of negativity, I am still this bitter lady -which strikes me. tremendously. Yes, that's my first reality check after the last time (God knows when). 

What about the second? Reality slaps me in the most inconvenient time possible. I just can never use the same old excuse that tells everyone 'this is who I am and my partner should accept me for that.'

Cinderella does not exist in the real world. So, there is no such thing as accepting each other wholly. People adapt and make compromises. For me, it's a real mental revolution. A tough, challenging one. One mission impossible, I can say. 

I have this bad habit I brought up from my previous relationships. A habit that I thought made me who I am so nobody should ever mess around instead of accepting it. It's just one destructive habit one should never carry over. Thanks to my new close friends, they forced me to confront that truth. Before, I was just…running away from everything and then I decided to embrace the truth. That I am such a bad, bad, bad girlfriend. Anything would just get ugly every time I did not get what I want. 

I am left with two options. Stay the same and leave this relationship or change and get a chance to stay. 

And the idea of changing is never easy. Saying it is so damn easy, doing it is an entirely different challenge. Especially when you have inhabited it for so long, and found no one complaining about it. 

You hate this. But you have no options. Seriously, number 1 is never an option. 

Here I am, living like I had two personalities. I keep telling my mind that I should never be A. Whenever the rage arouse, the fight starts on its own. 

Lean on Him is the my only escape.