Unlikely

L: Are you always this tolerant or ..?

S: Maksudnya?

L: Ya kalo aku kan quirky, tapi kamu bisa terima.. Kamu kaya gitu jg ga ke mantan2 kamu?

S: Ya, mungkin. Iya.. Emang ada pilihan lain?

L: Pilihannya cuma itu atau ... (Bahwa mantan2 kamu juga quirky) tapi yang kedua very unlikely sih..

S: Iya sih emang unlikely...

L: (graaaaaaaaaaaaa)

Ingin aku tidak berbagi. Inginku egois. Inginku memenuhi ruangan. Inginku menjadi kabut yang dapat kau rasakan. Inginku menguat semakin tebal. Inginku kau sadar.

He is who he is, and will always be who he is. I just hope it will work for both us. In the end, we care about each other, don't we?

You are different from many I know. You have your own world, sanity, with only you own the key. You may not think so, but I do. And even if it is true, I have nothing against it. In fact, it is the uniqueness in you I find relieving. It is the uniqueness in you I find nicely challenging. It is you that creates the fun. So stop trying hard to think it through. I am just fine with who you are.

Unsure

I know you wouldn't care. I know you would just pretend like nothing happened since you have expressed an apology. You would just pretend like nothing happened and said you took my words literally. Yes, you wouldn't care. And for once, yes, I wouldn't care either. 

You know why? Because I am not sure either. 

Tidak

Aku tidak tahu harus membalas apa. Pelupa, ya. Aku pelupa. Aku lupa kenapa aku seolah mengamuk tanpa alasan kemarin, muncrat dengan kata-kata yang mungkin kau anggap tidak ada relevansinya dengan apapun jua. Hari ini aku seperti terkena amnesia, aku hanya tahu amarah itu masih ada, kekesalan itu masih nyata, dan aku belum ingin bicara. Tidak padamu. 

Tidak meskipun kutahu kamu meminta maaf. Tidak meskipun mungkin kamu tulus. Tidak meskipun aku pelupa. Karena aku tidak tahu mau berkata apa. Tidak padamu. 

Not Working

Limited to my limited observation, I once concluded how guys could be more tolerant than girls (which is amazing). My conversation with J showed exactly that. Yet, I am not as convinced as before, in fact now I interpret tolerance with 'ignorance' --guess it's a more appropriate one. 

Maybe they don't sweat small stuffs because they just don't care.

Well, what I hate most is how guys are unable to show affection in the simplest way possible: presence. Even nowadays, presence can be shown in multiple ways, including a quick note of 'I miss you' and 'I am doing fine' or 'I am now leaving' or whatever it is. 

What is a relationship without communication? Come on, don't give me that 'trust' excuse anymore. It just doesn't work.

Kembali kutelan pahit, untuk kulupakan di esok hari. 

Aku ingin menjadi penyabar, menahan emosi yang jahanam dan tidak seperlunya. Aku ingin menjadi penyayang, yang mampu mengusir amarah tanpa mendendam. 

A Reminder

In one PS session....

L: Jadi kita urutin aja berdasarkan prioritas..
S: Okay, prioritasnya apa aja?
L: 1. Pekerjaannya, 2. Culturenya, 3. Benefitnya
S: Okay, terus kalo dengan prioritas itu, nggak ada masalah sama reputasi dong? Reputasinya di mana?
L: (Oiya...) Hahahahaa.. Iya juga ya..
S: Jadi gimana, mau diubah prioritasnya apa gimana nih?
L: Iya deh hehehehe...
S: Hahahaha.. Terlalu galak ya?
L: Iya.. Tapi bener hehehe.. Yaudah deh kalo gitu reputasinya nomor empat.. Atau kalau dalam terminologi kamu, berarti kesempatan untuk menciptakan options-options lain di masa depan..

Opposition

Tonight is not a new night. It is a same night when I would feel lonely, very sensitive and not confident about everything. The journey has not been too smooth. In fact, this journey is crazily bumpy; it hits my face too many times. I am tired, I am exhausted, but I am happy. To be able to create a smile in other people’s faces, deliver satisfaction for others, it’s so damn amazing to me.  But why? Why do I feel like this for so many times?

Indeed, everything is going to be alright at the end, but why do these feelings keep on coming back? Despite my hard work, despite the prayers I have sent, despite all the good things that have happened to me? Like it’s never enough. Like it’s an unfinished business.

All I ever want was to be happy, to be surrounded by close friends, family and relatives, to love and be loved in return, to share the love to others. That is all. But why things get harder and harder and harder these days? Who are the ones actually care? Would there be any?

I just set another milestone yesterday, but why do I feel so crushed and lost today? Feeling like I have no idea where to go, no one to talk to, I felt so lonely.. 

Little Things to Make You Happy

L: Iya, she has been such a pain in the ass, unlike the rest of the team members.

S: Kalau kamu kerja di tempat lain, bakal ketemu orang kaya gitu juga ga?

L: (Grin) (And then laugh)...

I feel blessed to the fact that I met wonderful people these days (thanks to YLI :p)

These people, are just amazing.. I learned a lot, and they can draw a lot of smiles from my face..

So here's always the doubt, wondering if I would meet the same calibre of people if I get somewhere else..

I just like to complicate myself, thinking of things I shouldn't bother, having stupid thoughts on small stuffs instead of feeling thankful and satisfied with what I got so far. Well, isn't it a classic issue?

So I am really wondering, will I survive this time? If I ever survive, am I just adapting or am I really getting mature and realistic (as opposed to being naive). 

Oh Gadis, why are you so complicated? Will you ever be 'a half-full glass'?