Too Much

"Too much of everything can make you sick.
Even a good can be curse."Cheryl Cole

Fixated. On the very special man. 

Apparently, it's just blowing you away from reality. Even my mom recognized the same problem on me. 

I just feel too much for this man. And too much is never right. 

The Impossible

I want you. And the rest of the time in the world. Just us. 

Yet, 

impossible.

Destructive?

Fight after fight, after fight. Been passing through ample fights. Incredibly, we survived, although I am cornered with questions inside. I mean, you would possibly be thinking how did we go through all those fights and still feel in love with each other? How did we still feel strong and hopeful about this relationship after all?

Same questions remain here. Was it love to begin with? Or was it hatred and revenge? Was it love that lingers all along? Passion? Tuning process? Or what? Why do we keep on falling to the same temptation over and over again?

We both are tired, undoubtedly. Yet we know that we are better together. The process is exhausting, but hopefully worth the struggle. 

One thing I truly believe is the fact that love comes with responsibility. It comes with respect, with strength to hold on even in the darkest hours. Relationship requires hard work, not merely “love”. That is exactly why I am staying. Cause I deem my feeling to be right. 

Christmas Notes

I used to ask myself, “What’s so different with Christmas this year?” Well, in 2008, I cried during the sermon, feeling lonely like more than ever, especially when looking at those re-united families and lovers. In 2009, I spent it with Edo, went to church with his family then spent a lovely evening at one of our favorite restaurants. That was one of my best Christmas. In 2010 and 2011, I was again, alone. Nothing specific I could point out for those two days. And so, this is 2012. What’s so special and what’s so different than before?

The celebration is indifferent. The same and common mass, just like another Sunday prayer, but in Catholic Church, with the very special man. We even had fight minutes when the mass was about to begin. Us, with those usual and menial consistent arguments. There was no peace during the first few minutes of our prayer, till he held my hand, and I could feel that I have been loved deeply.

We were casually showing affection to each other, until I burst (as always) when the time just passed 1.40 AM and I was still away from my house. We celebrated the occasion by having barbeque in one of our relatives, if I may say so. But then, my Dad is not someone who would allow me spend that much of a time outside. So I began to worry much. The fight kicked in. And there we went again.

Surprisingly, the very special man was so calm that I could feel nothing but loved. His words, although they were very “spicy” and critical, they were right. They were trying to make me realize who I was, what I did wrong, and what could I have done differently. Cliché, but seriously effective to calm me down and begin to wonder.

I couldn’t agree more that I am deeply in love with him, and I want nothing but him. I dedicated all my time to him and most of my close friends and families feel detached from me because of that. I know I perhaps could have done so much better, been wiser and rational in managing time, expectation and attention. Yet, nobody would have understood the stage I am in, the butterflies that had been kicking or the passion I have for this man. I know I have been away and perhaps there’s no good in it, or even only harms resulted. I don’t care.

This Christmas is special because I could make time to know deeper someone I am crazy about. That is just precious. That does not happen many times. And I just hope to do better next time.

Luapan Isi Hati

Lagi dan lagi. Aku kembali pada persimpangan.

Aku yang mencintaimu, dan mengharap cintamu.

Menganga sudah diriku, beserta luka-luka di dalamnya.

Membuat lega, tetapi penuh curiga.

Tidak ingin kau pergi tentunya, melihat semua.

Aku semakin cinta. Cinta semakin gila.

Takut semakin terasa. Aku tidak ingin kau tiada.

Harus apa aku kemudian?

Dawn

How would you expect a 21 year old girl to understand the perspectives of a father? Or parents? Well, my very special man did expect me to do so.

Before, for me, it is never clear: my relationship with my own dad. I am a talker type, and I really wish, deep down, that he would talk about it. That he would actually be my "serious" dad, the one I can talk to every time I have a problem, the one whom I can depend on whenever I need to make some important decisions. Or at least the one who understands me, appreciates what I do, and starts giving the appraisal, because that's just pushing the two corners of your lips to different poles, and nothing is more wonderful than having your own father feel proud of yourself.

Nevertheless, none actually happened to me. As far as I am concerned, he's not that type of man. He's the type who think about monthly transactions. He gave me my allowance each month, paid my telephone bills, controlled me by texting and calling every time he felt like doing it, scolded me most of the time he's at home because he's an obsessive-compulsive man too. I don't have that much of good impressions of him. 

I do agree he's a social type, unlike my mom. He has a great sense of humor and interpersonal skills. And I do admire that. He mingles with people easily, has a lot of friends, and foremost he's very loyal. Yet, he does have his downside and several traits that I do not like and I should not mention here. 

So yes, despite the things that he has, those strengths and weaknesses, I hardly understand him, even the whole time I have been living with him, which is 21 years of my life. I truly feel difficult in understanding what he wants. For me, those are just absurds and impossible to have. So I do most of things on my own, we never had that "serious" talks so I made my own decisions, referred to him for some calculation (of money, of course), or just so I got the permission to drive the car or go out with my friends. That was it. 

I don't really have that father figure. At least in my opinion. 

This christmas, though, I guess it has to change. The convo I had with my very special man really opened my eyes. I am just blind these whole times. And I have been so selfish that I hate myself so much now. 

I don't have that sensibility or tolerance over what he's going through, although I must say, this I should blame on his introvert side when it comes to his problems against family issues. I forget my status as his daughter so many times, and I am considered too wild for my age. What have I been thinking? 

I feel unwanted, honestly. He never talks. We never talked to each other. And that is just frustrating. When I am seeking that figure, he was invisible. Now I sense this hatred going on in the house, and it's very tiring. 

What to do next? I have no idea, myself. 

Still, I gotta fix myself. Can't be this belligerent. Can't be this rebel. Cause I have been depending on him, without my notice or consent. 

Oh, can I say I am really thankful for having the very special man on my side? He always did this. He put my life, my soul, my brain up side down in just 20 minutes and that's make me go crazy on him even more. Gosh, I think I am madly, deeply, in love with him. 

Love is all we need

Another Door Closes

At least now I find the truth. Certainly "it's" breaking, but I will find a way to heal it. He never was serious putting his words into action. Those were just jokes. Silly things people used to throw whenever they feel happy. So, I guess that's what he did as well, joking. 

It is clear how things won't go anywhere. Uncertainty is again filling up the room, and my heart undoubtedly. But, that's life, Gadis. Life doesn't go as well as planned. Life does not go easy on people, including me. Life is indeed very tough. 

Honestly, I want to give in to situation. I want to get out of misery. I want to avoid another heart-breaking moment, a worse one. But this feeling won't go away. Why?

Pray

There are many times I wonder if what we had was true love. I do, love him. And I somehow feel that he does too unspeakably, in his own way of loving. Although there are times I doubt his way - and I believe there are many times he does too - I still believe on what we have. 

I don't want to be pessimistic, or too sensitive, like I used to be. At this moment, I want to have faith. Despite the fact that he changes. He does not spend that much time skype-ing with me, he does not bbm me like he usually did, there are some parts missing between us. I am not sure what it is, I just hope it's not the love. Not the chemistry, not the bond. 

Of course every body wants to be loved they way they want. Probably, I can't. I just need to have faith that he does, through his own way. Just the way I surrender myself to God. Eventually, I will be happy. Because happiness is made, not found. 

Tahun 2012 bagi Seorang Gadis

Saya sadar betul penghujung tahun 2012 masih beberapa minggu lagi, namun perkenankanlah saya untuk mengulas baik kegetiran maupun kemanisan tahun ini, sekarang. Alasannya, tidak lain karena dua penyakit yang saya derita belakangan ini dan baru saja saya ketahui beberapa saat lalu.

Ketika Anda menginjak umur 21, tentunya bukan penyakit yang Anda harapkan menimpa Anda. Umur-umur sekian adalah umur di mana seorang pemuda mencari identitas, mengaktualisasikan diri, mengeksplorasi semangat yang kian menggelora, dan intinya berbahagia menikmati masa muda. Sayangnya, tidak demikian yang terjadi pada saya.

Umur 21 menunjukkan keletihan dan kerapuhan yang luar biasa. Saya mengidap kolesterol tinggi, dan baru saja mengetahui bahwa saya punya masalah di saluran pencernaan yang cukup berbahaya. Saya tidak ingin menceritakan detilnya di sini. Itu tidak lagi menjadi persoalan. Menghadapi dua penyakit tersebut di usia ini, itulah yang menjadi persoalan.

Rupanya tidak cukup hepatitis, typhoid, dan DBD menyerang saya bertubi-tubi di umur saya yang ke-20. Kali ini, penyakit orang tua semacam kolesterol dan saluran pencernaan juga turut menggerogoti badan yang seharusnya masih prima kesehatannya. Betapa menyedihkan.

Tidak ada maksud untuk mengasihani diri sendiri, ataupun mengharap iba dari orang lain. Saya hanya cemas, dan tentunya kecewa. Siapa yang tidak ingin dilimpahi kesehatan? Siapa yang tidak ingin hidupnya bahagia? Bisa menikmati keindahan yang ditawarkan dunia ini? Tentu semua orang bersedia. Namun pilihan itu bukan pilihan yang inklusif, khususnya bagi saya.

Mungkin jarang dari kalian yang berusia sama merasakan penderitaan menahan keinginan untuk makan apa saja sesuka perut dan hati. Mungkin jarang dari kalian yang berusia sama merasakan penatnya mengulang-ulang menu yang sama setiap minggunya. Mungkin jarang dari kalian yang kemudian membatasi diri beraktivitas karena alasan kesehatan, atau bahkan melarang diri bertamasya dan lainnya.

Tapi, tahun 2012 ini juga ternyata tidak hanya kelabu. Saya percaya ada pelangi di akhir hujan. Ada ingatan manis yang bisa saya kenang. Pertemuan saya dengan seorang pengidap kanker yang bertahan hidup dengan chemotherapy dan makanan yang lebih itu-itu saja menyadarkan saya betapa saya masih dihadapkan pada keberuntungan.

Tahun yang penuh dengan kejutan dari keterlibatan saya pada Mahasiswa Berprestasi FISIP, Total Summer School (yang kemudian menghantarkan saya pada Eropa - tempat impian selama hidup), Indonesia Model United Nations, Young Leaders for Indonesia (yang mengenalkan saya pada orang-orang inspirasional dan kawan-kawan menakjubkan dari berbagai pelosok Indonesia), hingga ExxonMobil tempat saya bergulat kini.

Sesungguhnya ada terlalu banyak peristiwa manis yang terjadi. Eratnya hubungan saya dengan si kekasih juga terjadi tahun ini. Bali dan Paris yang masing-masing mengungkap tawa dan duka juga ada di tahun ini.

Terlepas dari segala guratan-guratan pahit yang terjadi karena komplikasi kesehatan, nyatanya juga seimbang dengan simpul manis segala peristiwa. Dan saya patut bersyukur, jika bukan berbahagia. Saya masih punya sesuatu untuk disyukuri. Saya punya banyak hal untuk membuat saya tersenyum.

Kekecewaan pasti selalu ada, di mana pun dan kapan pun. Tetapi cukuplah sudah merasa merana. Toh masih ada orang-orang tercinta yang selalu ada buat kita. Setidaknya, para sahabat yang juga merasakan naik-turunnya roda kehidupan ini.

Jadi, angkat topi untuk Sang Sutradara. Pelukan hangat untuk yang tercinta.

Happy 21st Birthday, Miss Ketie :)

I took the liberty to publish this picture, ya Mbakeee :) I hope you had a joyous birthday. However, most of all, I hope you will get wiser and wiser on your special day.

Love,
Gadis

Sinking

I am sinking. I don't know why I keep on getting worse when people seem to get so much better. They are getting on the right tracks, at least they focus on doing one thing they love, and every good thing seems to follow. Life seems easy for some, but definitely not on me. In fact, I get lost even further, feeling like I could never, ever, find what I am looking for. 

I am not saying that people's problems are easier than mine. I am saying, I am getting worse on this. It is beyond exhausted. 

Lalita

"Dia yang tidak bisa melihat bayang-bayangnya sendiri, dia tidak akan mendapatkan pembebasan. Bahkan awan dan kabut, yang tak bisa dipegang, memiliki bayangan.

Sesungguhnya, ada pantulan ada bayangan. Keduanya adalah bayang-bayang. Sosok yang selalu membayangimu.

Pantulan mengembalikan dirimu secara terbalik. Seperti pada cermin. Dan anehnya matamu tak pernah bisa melihat dirimu sendiri selain secara terbalik. dan mata hanya bekerja dalam prinsip cahaya. Demikianlah terang membuat orang menyadari sekelilingnya, tetapi terang juga membuat orang menyadari dirinya sendiri secara terbalik. Tapi, mata yang terbalik tidak bisa menyadari ada yang terbalik. 

Pantulan adalah dirimu yang tersinari. Bayangan adalah dirimu yang tak tersinari. 

Lihatlah, dirimu berlawanan dari bayang-bayangmu. Tapi pantulanmu juga berlawanan dari bayanganmu. Segala hal memiliki lawannya. Bukan musuh. Melainkan pasangan yang berkebalikan.

Sebab semua bayang-bayang, pembalikan, dan simetri bekerja berdasarkan prinsip sumbu."

Hati yang Sesungguhnya

Aku sadar sejak lama, bahwa masalahku yang sesungguhnya ada di hati. Bukan secara literal karena aku hepatitis, tapi secara konotatif. Hatiku penuh dengan kecemasan yang tak perlu. Hatiku tidak dapat diombang-ambing. Hatiku tidak dapat menunggu. Hatiku perlu kepastian di segala waktu. Anehnya, hati yang sensitif itu ternyata tidak cukup sensitif untuk merasa. Merasakan pahitnya jadi orang lain. Merasakan sakitnya jadi orang yang dikhianati. Merasakan duka dicampakkan, dan seterusnya. Hati ini terlalu egois dan menutup diri dari dunia luar. Naif, tetapi fokus. 

Fokus ke dirinya yang sekarang aku cintai. Yang jika rindu kepadanya air mata pun tak segan keluar begitu saja. Tapi untuk kemudian merajut asa ke jenjang yang lebih tinggi? Aku banyak kemudian bertanya. 

Mengapa begitu? Apakah berarti kata "cinta" hanyalah semu?

Kurasa tidak. Cinta tetap cinta. Cinta yang membuat diriku bertahan sepenuh daya, walaupun ada waktu ketika putus asa melanda. Cinta yang membuat diriku begitu berbunga-bunga, seperti unggas bebas yang beterbangan mengangkasa. Aku cinta dia. 

Tapi pernikahan adalah satu komitmen buas, karena itu dia dinamakan hidup baru. Sebab semua akan berubah drastis. Sebab auranya begitu mencekam, dan faktanya benar begitu. Tanya saja mereka yang telah terjebak di dalamnya, tanpa pernah berhasil untuk keluar. Atau mereka yang memutuskan berhenti di tengah jalan. Intensitas terkamannya begitu menusuk. 

Tapi justru dia, dan hanya dia. Dia dengan segala kekurangan dan kelebihannya. Dia dengan segala yang dia miliki. Dia yang membuka mataku untuk menyadari. Bahwa hatiku butuh siraman rohani. Hatiku butuh Tuhan yang sebenar-benarnya. Bahwa hatiku butuh kehangatan, dan bukan mandi materi. 

Dia yang membukakan jalan untuk melihat masa depan lebih berarti. Dia yang menyediakan ruang untuk mencari jati diri, menjadi manusia yang lebih baik, dan mencari kehangatan. Karena sesungguhnya kehangatan itu yang aku cari selama ini. 

Tidak hanya itu. Dia juga yang menawarkan kehangatan itu. Dari tubuhnya dan dari pikirannya. Itulah yang membuatku takjub. Itulah yang membuatku jatuh cinta. Dan itulah yang membuatku berhenti berpikir untuk menunggu, mengejar karir, dan menikmati kebebasan jauh lebih lama lagi. Sebab aku sadar aku tidak menuju ke sana. Aku butuh kehangatan itu. Dan aku butuh itu darinya. Bukan orang lain lagi. 

Sayang, rupanya semua tidak semudah itu. Aku masih perlu bergelut dengan banyak ekspektasi orang-orang terdekat. Aku masih perlu bergumul dengan diriku sendiri. Dan itu membuatku lelah. Itu membuatku kembali bertanya-tanya. Dan di sana lah aku tidak mampu lagi memiliki racun dalam hati. Aku butuh pelindung, dan lagi-lagi dia yang datang menawarkan jalan kepadaNya. 

Jadi, sudah jelas kenapa cinta? Tapi kenapa tidak mau menunggu? Karena kupikir semuanya telah jelas di hadapan mata. Tinggal bagaimana kita mengaturnya. Bukankah begitu?

Aku butuh bicara. Dengannya. Segera. 

5 Love Languages

Up to my surprise, my colleague at the office suddenly asked me about my reading behavior. I then answered him casually, as I thought it was a casual and random question. The surprising thing was the fact that he gave me a book to read, and the book was about marriage. Okay, how random could that be?

He then explained how the book has helped him and many marriages and how people like I am (whom he assumed would get married) should read this book before tying the knot. 

So yes, I accepted the book with gratitudes and started reading it out of curiosity (I bet you would do the same thing when people offered you something out of that reason). 

And I finished the book, for only within two days. And yes, I felt wonderful, because the idea the book was telling me about is how to love your spouse through his love languages. 

The author explained how the phenomenon of "falling in love" will only last two years at max. Some people lost the spark along the way and they have no feeling of continuing the commitment after that lost. Thus, understanding the couple's love language will help him/her feel the love endurance, and finally be able to love the other person in the relationship back. Thus, both emotional tanks will be filled with love and that's how love lasts until the end of time, as what promised in their wedding day.

There are five universal love languages that Chapman introduced, and those are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Each person develops their own language through their life span therefore they would have certain way to feel loved by their spouse. What we can do to make things better is not to enforce our own language, yet to understand our spouse's and talk to him/her through their language. Although it may be ridiculous to some, yet by doing it, we are trying to show that what she/he likes matters. And that's how you show you love someone. Because it is never about you. It is about the person you love. 

How sweet is that?

...

So I started thinking about my love language. I perhaps would feel loved by words of affirmation. Yet, my secondary language can be quality time. And yes, I began to think about his love language as well. Although I am still unsure about it, I would say acts of service and physical touch matter to him. Well, I still have time to figure it out, right?

There You Go!

I got this one from Dimba. Lumayan untuk membuyarkan pikiran dari kekecewaan yang terpampang di posting sebelumnya. Hehe. So here you go!

1. Berasal dari bahasa mana nama (pertama) Anda dan apa artinya?

Nama pertama dan terakhir: Gadis. Hmmm, pertanyaan yang sangat sulit. Gw juga ga tau dengan pasti nama itu berasal dari mana, yang pasti dulu bokap gw berharap banget anak keduanya cowok, tetapi ternyata yang keluar cewek, jadilah nyokap gw yang kasih gw nama. Gadis. Simple. Begitu aja, tanpa embel-embel. Katanya sih biar gw terus-terusan awet muda (aminnnnn.....). Cuma kadang gw suka sebel karena orang nge-joke yang gaenak soal nama gw, contohnya: "Gadis? Kau masih Gadis atau sudah janda?" or "Emak lo niat ga sih ngasih lo nama?" (BF banget), dsb. dsb. Kesal. But yeah, that's your name, right? There's nothing you can do about it, really.

2. Video klip (musik) apa yang paling berkesan dalam hidup Anda, dan kenapa?

Ketauan banget gw jarang ngeliat video klip. Well, buat gw, video klip is so last year. Terakhir gw nonton video klip SD kali yah (lebay). Tapi jujur, ga ada yang berkesan. Buktinya ga ada yang nyantol di kepala.. Hehe

3. Apa penyanyi dan judul lagu yang paling lama ada di playlist (iTunes, Winamp, WMP, dll) Anda (belum pernah di-delete dari dulu)?

Hmmm, this is interesting lagi. I gotta check it out first. But I think it's Jubing Kristianto. His expertise in playing guitar is just overwhelming in a very good way. Bikin tenang dan damai. 

4. Apakah Anda pernah ke warnet? Kalau ya, pengalaman apa yang paling berkesan saat ke warnet?

Pernah lah ya. Walaupun udah lupa juga terakhir kapan. Di Berlin sih, sama BF. Haha. Ga ada pengalaman tertentu yang bisa bikin kepala ini recall sendiri. Gokil. Dari tadi jawaban gw ga seru banget sih. Haha.

5. Benda apa yang paling sering Anda tatap di kamar Anda?

My big pillow :)

6. Jika Anda seorang jenius dan memutuskan untuk membuat sebuah invensi, apa yang ingin Anda temukan?

Pintu kemana saja. Seriously. Apa lagi coba yang bisa memenuhi kebutuhan travelling tanpa mengeluarkan ongkos banyak?

7. Benda apa yang terdapat dalam anime/manga/game yang paling ingin Anda miliki?

Baling-baling bambu kali ya supaya gw ga kena macet tiap hari?

8. Mana yang paling Anda percayai: ramalan zodiac, ramalan shio, atau Primbon? Kenapa?

To be honest, my mom doesn't like me seeing those things. Liat aja ga boleh, apalagi percaya. Tapi, sekarang sih gw jadi suka dengerin dan suka baca sih buat iseng karena beberapa temen gw believes in them dan menganalisa orang pake gitu-gituan. Among them, I would go with Shio due to the fact that me and my brother are exactly the same kelakuannya and we have the same shio, how coincidence could that be?

9. Cara mati seperti apa yang paling Anda takuti?

Kecelakaan kali ya....

10. Jenis makhluk gaib/makhluk halus apa yang paling Anda takuti dan kenapa?

Kayanya semuanya gw takut. Kenapa? Mudah sekali. Karena mereka ga bisa ditangkap panca indera but they exist. Tapi dengan penjelasan kaya gitu berarti Tuhan juga dong ya? Well, gw akan menjawab serius ala anak Komunikasi Media. Gw takut sama semua makhluk gaib yang di "deksripsikan" secara visual melalui media. Kenapa gw takut? Karena media yang membentuk mereka yang sebenarnya ga pernah ada yang tahu bentuknya jadi bentuk kuntilanak, pocong, seperti yang kita mengerti secara massal sekarang ini. Mereka bikin mereka visually nakutin, dengan action yang nakutin, dan kita mengkonsumsi media secara masif, jadi ya mau ga mau ketakutan sendiri. Emang kalo ga dari media, dari mana lagi kita bisa tahu mereka nakutin? (Tetep kaya anak Humas dan bukan kaya anak Komed).

11. Buku apa yang ingin sekali Anda lihat diadaptasi jadi film/serial?

Paulo Coelho! The Alchemist. That would be very inspiring pastinya. Kalo ga, tetraloginya Bumi Manusia karya Pramoedya Ananta Toer. Gokil, I will be in love with Minke. Haha.

12. Kalau Anda sedang mengisi ini sambil mendengarkan musik, lagu apa yang sedang Anda dengarkan?

Ga sambil dengerin musik sayangnya. 

13. Apa hal tergila yang bisa Anda imajinasikan sekarang juga?

Bunuh diri (buset, serem gila).

14. Hewan apa yang menurut Anda sebaiknya tidak perlu ada di muka bumi ini?

Kecoa. Coba, buat apa sih mereka ada? Haha. EH SALAH KUCING DENG. I HATE KUCING SO BADLY.

15. Bayangkan Anda memiliki sebuah band terkenal. Apa genrenya dan nama apa yang akan Anda beri pada band itu? Anda akan memainkan alat musik apa di band itu?

I'll go with Bossanova. Karena gw ngefans berat sama Lisa Ono and her way of singing bossanova. Namanya, swinging kali yeeeee. Gw akan jadi vocal ah :D :D :D (boleh kan mimpi?)

16. Benda apa yang Anda koleksi?

Hmmm, sekarang sih lagi mulai ngoleksi Pin. Tapi sebelumnya koleksi kalung drupadi :)

17. Tempat apa yang paling ingin Anda kunjungi sebelum mati (sebut 3)?

New York, Venice, Santorini.

18. Hewan apa yang paling ingin Anda lihat secara langsung (sebut 3)?

Hiu paus. Dan ga kepikiran yang lain, sori.

19. Penemuan apa yang Anda anggap paling jenius?
Pesawat terbang. Bayangin ga gimana caranya ke negara jauh tanpa itu? Ya kali berlayar 70 hari 70 malem naik kapal laut -____-

Eh tapi bayangin ga kalo ga ada internet? Ngerjain skripsi pake apa dong kalo ga ada search engine? Haha

20. Benda apa yang paling-tidak-tega-dan-tidak-akan-pernah Anda buang (satu saja)?

My baby guling. Dari dulu ga tega dan ga bakal pernah gw buang. Selalu gw ciumin dan endus-endus setiap gw di rumah. (it sounds wrong ya? maaf deh haha)

Not a Very Good Saturday

I know I have been gone for too long. Well, life has been hideous, I can say. Mmmm, someone will scold me for being ungrateful (or too many people will do), but what am I supposed to say? Life was full of ups and downs, even until today. 

As you can see, today is the peak -perhaps. Since, I finally decided to write it down, there must be something. Yes, you are right. I just ran for a blood test early this morning and I found that I had too much cholesterol in my blood. Yes. This early. I am 21, and I had TOO MUCH of cholesterol in my blood. Not a great news, indeed. In fact, it was the opposite. 

Probably that news came just fine to some people, but not to me. Really, since when a 21-year-old-young adults got to face the risks of stroke, heart attack, and such and be happy with it? Come on. I eat just fine than most of my OLDER colleagues at the office, but I came out ill? How could that happen? Seriously? 

Okay, here's the thing. I have been so stressed out, having my boyfriend pushing me hard due to the fact that he doesn't like me working in a very tight working hour, get home exhausted, no energy for skype-ing, and get emotional very easily - while I don't really like what I am doing either. Life sucks? I can say so. 

Come on, I know it in my heart beat that I should be grateful for what I have, that I should be thankful, and be close with God because of the blessings in my life, but I guess I deserve some time to complain as well, right? Seriously, what is it with people? I am happy to be me in one hand, but I am not delighted at all with my shortcomings and that is just fine. It doesn't mean anything. Or yes, perhaps it means something but please give me some minutes to deal with this, okay?

Gosh, I guess I become the old-complaining-me again. Oh, I hate it!!!!!!!! 

Far From Jealousy

Seeing people like Jamie Oliver, Nigella Lawson, and other amazing chefs unconsciously holds my breath. They are just few people that I perceive as "truly happy". They know what they love, they are doing what they love, and it's never ordinary. And so do those who are doing great job as an athlete because they love swimming, running. Those who become photographer because they love photography. Those who become film maker because they love filming. The list goes on. 

I wish I could find what I love and spent the rest of my life doing it. Just like those geniuses in their own expertise. 

This does not start the Sunday beautifully, but what can I say? 

Marriage

The more I grow up, the more I get to realize that marriage is definitely not a simple thing. Ever since I was a little kid, all I want to do was to get married and be happily ever after. I thought marriage equals to long-live-happinness and eternal peace. This thought evolved from one time to another, though. I still remember writing about how I changed my perception over marriage when I was still in high school, but I decided to keep believing in the beauty of it. Until these days. 

Well, I still want to get married. I really do. I just want to re-think it over and over again before I say yes to the guy who will ask my hand in marriage. The fights I have with him, the problems we are facing as couple, to the struggle my mom had in handling her three kiddos and strange husband - all of them are just TOO overwhelming. 

I began to notice that marriage really needs hard work. It is not as simple as I thought before. You do need to settle down with the guy, who will most likely be different from you in a lot of ways. Although this one could definitely be minimized, trust me there's no same person on earth. We got way too many combination of characteristics in human, you can't possibly rule them out (by that I mean the differences). 

And how does that difference dominate your marriage life? It does, especially when you do not have the patience, and the same agenda to calm the egos down. Beyond that, difference within perspectives would seriously kill you if you choose to stand on principle. Come on, there's no way a kid can be educated with two kind of religions. Parents' treatment is no difference, I would humbly say. 

People changed a lot these days, and so the way we raise kids, with all the entertainments, information, and technology. My little brother is definitely a good example of how the world has changed. Me and my sister never had problems with schools. One of two naughtiness but that's it. We never failed any subject, nor scores, and certainly not grades. Hopefully, my brother won't too. Yet, looking at what he did just now (lying all the time, failing so many tests, and breaking my mom's heart), I began to question what's so different in his and our time as sisters?

Perhaps, the technology explains. Perhaps the tradition explains. Perhaps the change of habits explains. I don't know. I am not sure. My BF would say, this kid is being spoiled. I do agree, but is that all? Again, I don't know. 

Oh, I beg your pardon. This is seriously just a piece of junk. I can't focus to do things I began to scribble down some wishy washy talk. Forget everything I just said, will you? :D

Love? Or Else?

Of all the differences we have, there is only one thing we have in common: stubbornness. Then, it only leaves us with one thing to stay together, among thousands of reasons to separate: love. 

I am just tired of your doubt in me. I just want to be trusted, and accepted for who I am – a thing that I supposed you never did, because perhaps I really am not the one for you, as you said. You wanted somebody else, and I am not that somebody. I am not the one who can make you happy, I am not the one who can take care for you, give you the attention you need, understand you, and discuss things with you.

Now, I am in despair. I am used to it, but not today, and not yesterday, and not the other day. It is killing me now. It created a big hole inside, empty, and dark.

Is it love? Or is it only ego? You left me wondering. Why can’t we be nice to each other? Why can’t we be just like another couple that share love and be happy, who can accept each other for what they really are? Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel?

“It is darkest before they turn the light,” people said. I hope it’s true.