I guess the bed rest time I spent at home has brought a lot of questions I have wanted to clarify within myself up, one of which is that title of the post. It would have been a lie that I feel comfortable claiming myself as Christian nowadays. In fact, I admit losing my chemistry with my One and Only God, the true redeemer, the King, Jesus Christ for couple of months. I no longer went for church, only once in a while, no longer jotted some words down, or had some daily bread over days. And all that due to the missing chemistry, which I also am not certain about.
Hence, the question is there and it is inevitable. I got to answer it, truly by what resides within my heart. And thanks to Mom, although we were in cold war for several days, we just had a lengthy and meaningful discussion that fruitfully opened my eyes. If it weren’t because of my mom, who has spent 25 years working in the same company, which failed to appreciate her dedication and loyalty, I would have not realized what kind of person I am today.
It was started when I asked her, why she would stay in such prickly environment where her boss sucks to the fullest extent and her colleagues are scumbags. And it also came to my amazement that she chose to stay living with unappreciative husband who seem like losing his love to this woman and dragging children with all ups and downs. She stays. She chose to stay despite the whole wretched situation she is facing and that is unbelievable. And only because of that I realized that I do not have the same level of perseverance like she does, not even close. I would rather quit whenever I feel like I am facing a dead end over some problems, or at the very least look for other doors instead of staying and keep on struggling. Gosh, I hate waiting. Really, really hate it.
I realize I am impatient, very if I am allowed to say. And the only answer my mom provided was, “Because I still have hope”. Yeah, she did say that. She said she still have the hope that someday everything is going to be all right. That answer took my breath away. That explains why I stopped on doing things I like, or explains why I keep on worrying what is going to happen tomorrow when I don’t work and do not have steady income. I do not have hope for betterment. It became even clearer when I discussed this with my sister.
Her only words were, "You just don't appreciate progress. That's it. It has nothing to do with God. You still believe in God, yeah probably you were more to Agnostic than Christian. But you still believe in Him. The only thing you don't believe is the progress. You are result-oriented."
I still insisted this was related to Christianity because hope and faith are the symbols of our belief. As long as you have hope, you have faith, then you are indeed still in His way. And that is something I don't have. Or in my sister term, I do but I do not grow it. I put it aside, let it be there and do nothing about it. Nothing is wrong, but hope and faith without efforts to grow it, would be meaningless. And yes, that is true. That left me with another contemplation.
Since my sister always comes with analogy every time we talk, this time she symbolize my condition with a plant representing my faith to God. I never water the plant, nor nurture it with adequate nutrition. No wonder it doesn't grow. In fact, it almost die. So her only advice is, go think about it. Nurture it your way.
***Will think about it for a while.
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