Bad Temper

The past two days were more than just overwhelming. My emotion was like a roller coaster ride. But thankfully I am calming down now. Family gathering was a right painkiller for me. Or at least meeting my beloved grandma was. I still remember how it all started. Yet, I wasn’t sure when it was getting on my nerves till I became such an asshole for couple of days.

Yesterday was a shock, is indeed a truth. One of my crews decided to withdraw her participation in my project when the proposal was just 70% near done. And that means I either need to start everything from zero –and this was seriously impossible because the clock is ticking – or to go find somebody else but still utilize her ideas, risking the implementation to clash with the new crew’s point of view and capability.

I clearly was panicking, but the circumstances did not make anything easier. Instead, I still needed to meet my other crew and discussed many details for the project. That wasn’t easy. My mind was full of many, seriously many things, varying from my school projects, IMUN, my freelance works, TEIMUN, relationship, schedule, my spiritual journey, and lots of other itsy-bitsy things. I felt that my brain functioned in a very disorganized way. I got so confused of getting things done through the right scale of priorities. I also lacked of experience in handling those kinds of situation, which meant I got to work harder to reach a steady point.

The world seemed to rotate sooner than it was used to be. But I didn’t want to give up. In fact, I wanted to conquer them all. I began to think the best way to delegate some workloads to my partners. Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, I wasn’t the same person who was calm and optimistic. I got so pissed off without a clear reason why. Most probably because I did not go to church (for such a long time already) and my mom snapped at me in a very irritating way.

I have been envisioning much about this spiritual thing inside. And I discussed it too, with Alda in the sleepover and unbelievably she felt the same way too. Then I thought it was okay not to go to church if my heart did not belong in there. But I could feel the anxiety and worrisome within. Feelings that cornered me, imprisoned me. Uneasy, I was very uneasy facing anything that did not go as expected. I yelled and cursed everyone. I was such a prick.

Epin told me I shouldn’t go further this way and I knew it. I knew it in my heart beat. It’s just hard to do more than just saying it. I have become too rational, yet shallow in perceiving things. I no longer have faith in something hidden or invisible. My hope and faith died inside, as I didn’t do much to keep them grow, and so my sister was right.

The incapability to be thankful has outgrown my whole personality. No one taught me, my mom told the opposite instead, but I am a woman that is hard to be satisfied. I always want more and more and more. A greedy and shallow, that is true. Not necessarily materials, I just barely feel content.

Seeing my grandma today, I just felt relieved. I let go of my dissatisfactions and to make peace with myself, disregarding the bad temper that controlled me the whole day. I have loosen up. That felt wonderful.