I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

Wedding Vow?

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,   

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:   

I love you as one loves certain obscure things,   

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries   

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,   

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose   

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,   

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,   

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,   

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Pablo Neruda, “One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII” from The Essential Neruda: Selected Poems

Pengkotbah 3:11

"Ia membuat segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya, bahkan Ia memberikan kekekalan dalam hati mereka. Tetapi manusia tidak dapat menyelami pekerjaan yang dilakukan Allah dari awal sampai akhir."

Hidup Itu Keras, Bung!

Hidup itu keras. Basi ya tahunya? Emang nih. Sebelumnya, siapa yang kira sih work life bakal segininya? Tapi memang ya, seketika saya masuk ke dunia kerja yang sesungguhnya (bukan magang), terasa betul 'aroma' kerasnya. 

Saya mungkin bisa berkelit dengan berkata bahwa ini soal 'boss'-nya saja. Tapi pengalaman akhir-akhir ini berkata lain. Hidup itu keras, terutama di dunia kerja, terlepas dari organisasi, industri, pekerjaan apapun yang digeluti, termasuk orang-orang yang diajak berinteraksi. 

Kalau tidak punya atasan yang serba sulit, bertemu dengan klien yang sulit, atau bawahan yang sulit, atau vendor yang sulit, hidup akan jadi sama sulitnya. 

Hari ini saya frustrasi, 70%-nya bukan karena atasan yang sulit, tetapi karena vendor yang sulit. Bagaimana tidak, kami mempekerjakan mereka karena membutuhkan keahlian dan rekomendasi mereka. Tetapi kalau saya jadi menghabiskan waktu berhari-hari memeriksa dan merevisi pekerjaan mereka, dan hasilnya kemudian tidak digubris, siapa sih yang tahan?

Jadi, atasan yang sulit saja tidak kemudian membuat hidup sulit. Segala-galanya membuat hidup sulit. Dunia kerja itu tidak seindah apa yang pernah saya bayangkan. Yang aneh, kenapa bisa terbayang dunia kerja itu lebih menyenangkan dari dunia kuliah sih?

Karena kenyataannya sama sekali bertolak belakang. Dunia kuliah itu dunia yang ideal. Kita bisa bersikukuh dengan pendapat pribadi dan tidak akan ada orang yang mampu menentang. Seburuk-buruknya, kita kehilangan teman. Tapi kita tetap bisa berpegang teguh pada pendirian itu. 

Di dunia kerja, sayangnya, hal tersebut tidak berlaku. Kalau terlalu ngotot, yang ada kita bisa dipecat. 

Kalau selama berkuliah kita bisa mengatur sendiri waktu mengerjakan tugas, di dunia kerja, terlalu banyak tuntutan yang harus dipenuhi. Dan ada banyak orang yang terlibat. Jadi tidak bisa sesukanya saja. Tidak bisa se-target oriented itu lagi. 

Senaif-naifnya saya hari ini, toh saya tetap harus lembur sekian lama mengerjakan pekerjaan. Persetan dengan work-life balance. Kalau mau dapat dihargai karena hasil pekerjaan yang baik (yang dalam jangka panjang mempengaruhi eksistensi kita di satu organisasi), ya mau tidak mau harus tahan ditempa macam hari ini. 

Keras ya? Basi memang, tapi itulah kenyataannya.

Berkeluh Kesah?

Kesendirian bagiku selalu mencekam. Tapi tidak kali ini. Aku belajar banyak dari kesendirian, dari jarak dan perbedaan waktu. Belajar memahami kelemahan dan ruang kosong yang ada pada diri. Belajar bahwa sesungguhnya aku tidak pernah berubah, mungkin tidak banyak.

Aku masih saja diliputi kecemasan, kepalaku dipenuhi oleh ide-ide skeptis mengenai kehidupan, dan tentu saja tentang kehidupan personal. Tidak puas rasanya memiliki seseorang yang begitu baik, dewasa, cerdas, menawan. Ketakutanku menggerogoti diri, mengirimkan signal untuk berjaga-jaga, bahwa sesungguhnya semua ini hanya mimpi. Semuanya tidak pernah seindah kehidupan orang lain. Bahwa waktu begitu lambat bergulir dan bahwa hubungan ini tidak berkembang layaknya hubungan orang lain.

Tapi hari ini lain. Aku sadar betul pentingnya bersyukur. Kehidupan si T mungkin dipenuhi banyak manusia-manusia menarik. Hubungan si B dengan pasangannya begitu dewasa. Waktu bergulir cepat untuk si A dan si B sehingga setidaknya masa depan yang membahagiakan bagi mereka bisa diperkirakan dan membuat keduanya tidak perlu cemas lagi.

Memang, aku terus bertanya-tanya apakah kami bisa terus menjalani ini semua, ataukah ia bisa diajak bicara dewasa tentang apa saja. Karena aku tidak ingin terkesan mendorong-dorong dirinya karena tergesa-gesa ingin menikah. Tapi ada banyak pertanyaan di kepalaku yang ingin aku lontarkan. Dan aku tidak ingin menunggu waktu mengungkapkan segalanya. Karena tidak semua hal bisa dimunculkan oleh waktu.

Sampai aku menemukan fakta baru yang mengejutkan. Seorang teman lama di negeri kincir angin sudah punya anak. Tetapi tidak punya pekerjaan, sehingga tidak mungkin untuk menikah.

Tinggal di Indonesia mungkin terasa menyengat. Hidup di negara lain memang lebih menggiurkan. Tetapi semuanya ada di sini. Kesempatan untuk hidup dengan baik, bahkan untuk mengejar ilmu tanpa biaya sepeser pun. Negara ini, dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangannya masih bisa menawarkan kesempatan, unlike some countries.

Jadi mengapa berkeluh kesah? As much as I hate some part of the works, I still have a job. As much as I hate being away (because I just realized how I need to have a constant physical meeting and interaction), I still have the best boyfriend in the world.

So yes, this ‘vacant’ time between us, it’s good to know if we’re meant for each other. If we really need each other.

FAMILY

Being taken for granted, or taking things for granted is such a usual thing. I think people are so used to not being mindful about many things in life. I can say especially for those who live in privileges. I am included.

Nevertheless, that's not my point. My real intention was to write about how people take 'parenting' for granted. How many people on earth actually care about parenting? Like, really think through of how prepared they are to have kids, mentally, physically and financially?  How many out there who actually learn how to be good parents, look for references, get involved in tons of discussion before they actually have kids?

My guess? Not many. Seriously. 

In Indonesia, the worst thing is that people are so keen of getting married. Being married is like a must have in life, people get proud being able to host a glamorous wedding day. The question is, do they see marriage as a means to build a family, that also means raising kids and preparing them to contribute to the world?

I don't know many people that actually think about that. Many would just think about working on the differences the couple have, focusing more on the relationship, but that's just it. No more discussion about how they would raise their kids, what kind of value would they teach, what kind of character they wish the children to have, etc. 

People care much about the wedding day and how marriage affect them as human being (that they don't have to be alone, they now have a partner in life), but that's it. That is disappointing. Because I wish my parents set aside their differences in parenting, not only their opinions about things. I wish they really planned out how they expect the kids to be raised. 

Okay, not that I am being ungrateful of my parents. I just wished things were different because there were chances to do better plannings, that would have resulted in better outcomes. 

This is the blablabla part. People don't get me when I am being to abstract. 

Well, both of them really have contrasting view of the importance of education. My Dad would never understand why my Mom pushed my brother that hard to actually get good grades at school. In fact, they always fought with each other when my Mom voiced out high tone just to get my brother study before the exam. My Dad thought it's ridiculous to re-learn all the things that had been thought by the tutor after school. Unfortunately, my Mom knew better. He knew my brother did not get the lesson in the most benefiting way. She knew he needed to study further to prepare for the exam. But my Dad did not. So they fought. Many times. 

Small things like that. I can mention a lot more, but my point is, I wish, as  an adult they sorted this whole parenting things out, even before they got married. And I wish the same things for thousands of people who are getting married these days. 

Because the stake is even higher. These days, isn't it super hard to become a parent?

Being bombarded with the ease of technology, the spirit of 'freedom of expression', worldwide information, hedonism culture, kids these days face a greater challenge than ever before. Various information at the tip of their fingers can be a double-edge sword. If they can optimize it to explore the world, console their curiosity and challenge their assumptions, of course it's great. But the same information, if not sorted well, can challenge their beliefs, values, culture and many other good things that the family has tried to internalize since they were still little. 

Families are no longer their utmost reference. Their peers are.  What's right and wrong are now determined by the mass. So hedonism can become a way of life so easily, just because the majority believes so. 

It is going to be harder for parents to instill ideas like altruism, volunteerism, tolerance and understanding when the example is so far away. The growing middle class are living in a better era where it's quite hard to stay grounded. You live in a neighborhood where you no longer find homeless people, or green area, or public areas and facilities. You no longer share. You have everything on your own. You live wealthy or at least decent. You are so far from pity. You no longer appreciate small cents and you have no idea how much it worth for other people. And so you don't teach your kids those kind of things. Because it's just too far away from your comfortable life. 

And so these kind of things, people hardly talk about when they're getting married. Maybe even after they have kids. They just don't realize how important it is to set the right mindset in the mind of children. Because not many people realize that parenting is the most important job in the world. You prepare someone to be able to survive. Not only that, you want him and her to succeed. You want them to be good. You want them to also meet someone as good. 

The other thing that frustrates me is the all-Indonesian thing. We just live in such a corrupt environment that we, without conscience, teach our kids that tax is supposed to be avoided. Putting a seat belt on is so that police won't catch you. Rules are to be broken. And so many other frustrating things surround you. 

There's no obedience to the law whatsoever. And so the generation pass on this belief to others and we preserve the broken rules over and over again. Things that seriously rotten the system no matter how good it's made. 

We don't realize the power of family. How it builds people's character, that adds up to a nation. And so we remain the same forever. 

This generation is supposed to change the world, with all of the ease of life the world has offered. But it will always remain the same if we don't start from ourselves. As simple as thinking from the smallest cell, family. 

So next time you want to think about marriage, think about what kind of people you want to deliver to this earth. Will he/she be worth the space and the resources? Will he/she contribute to the betterment of the beings, or will he/she be a shame?

Unfairness

I think it's easy to fall in love with you and your family, but maybe it doesn't work the other way around.

That's why I think it's irrelevant to judge someone from his/her family background. Because at the end of the day, you don't really have the rights to choose. You just need to accept those things beyond your control.

Nobody could ever choose not to be the son of a drugdealer, nor an alcoholic. Everyone wants to grow up in a loving family that shows respect to each of the family member.

Unfortunately, that does not occur to anyone. And it's really unfair to decide based on those facts. It can be your consideration point, but that should not cloud your judgment.

Oh.. What am I thinking?

When you feel super worthless, and you have done nothing to your surroundings.

Disease?

Today turns out to be beyond my expectation. I woke up with no idea what I should do to be okay. Feeling lost is like my daily meal, so, waking up without having ideas in mind is just another day to me.

So, I spent the entire afternoon with my bestie, laughing on a lot of things, having a quality time together. The rest of the evening was with someone relatively new yet certainly has a big heart to handle me. 

Surprisingly, the topic was exactly the same. Mostly, it's all about him. 

Ck ck ck... I wonder how guys can fill up a room that big in your heart till you can't even stop talking about him, even in different occasions with different companies.

And so I realized what a liar I was. I was wrong to think that I'd be okay to let the relationship end. I was totally wrong. The fact that I spent so long just to talk about him, and definitely think about him, I can tell I care much. Beyond what words can explain. Seriously.

Now, I feel rather pathetic. Is it a girl's disease? Or it's just me? Because I know guys don't waste time doing the same thing. At least the guys I know.. (the mature ones) 

Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite

Well, Paul Arden really got a point, because whatever all ladies were thinking on their relationships, they were looking at it the wrong way. Ladies might feel secure by their intellectual capacity, independency, empathy, and caring attitude. But hey, those are not not something a guy would look for. At least, those are not the most important thing.

According to a guy I respect, guys look for comfort. They already handle stressful decisions throughout the day working, they don't need anymore arguments that would only show how intelligent the girl is, or any issues that force them to use the brain heavily. They need comforting conversations, they need not whines nor complicated story on how the girl dealt with her insecurities. 

So we might be dealing with this stuff wrong all along. 

The question I have yet been able to answer is the fact that ladies love to share a lot of things, including how her day went, or how frustrating the work was, etc. How do you then combine these two contrasting tendencies?

Anybody?