Ternyata

Pembicaraan dengan dia menyisakan begitu banyak gelembung-gelembung di ruang hati. Ternyata, sebagai manusia, kita tidak pernah kehabisan pekerjaan rumah untuk membenahi hidup. Aku pun termasuk di dalamnya. 

Respek kuberikan kepada mereka yang mengenalku, dan memberikan petuahnya untuk kebaikanku. Sakit memang, ketika kudengar itu dari yang terdekat. Tapi ketika semua berevolusi, aku sadar betul betapa semua nasehat itu begitu berharga.

Thank you. You know who you are :)

AM GETTING CRAZY. Can't function the whole day. I am just this pathetic little kiddo who are trying to be still, stop acting weird and reload my brain that has been shouting for suicidal action. What is going on?

Always Confused

You would want to deny the whole thing, or try to juggle other possibilities and serve it on a plate. You may succeed, but hey, you may not. Defensive? Yes, maybe I am.

Have I been myself these whole times? Not sure. Have I not been myself, then? No clue. Then who I am? Is this insecure little lady? This so not confident creature trying to ask some mercy from people? Yes, perhaps. Where have I lost my independence, confidence, perseverance and self control? Who am I looking at in the mirror, then?

Happy? Definitely not. Sad? Not sure. Confused? Definite.

HTP

Being hard to please. Oh, that's nothing new. I have heard it so many times. Am I? Being hard to please? I am finding a hard time to understand myself, and to understand people, really. I have always thought, it is simple. Clarity. Crystal clear reality. The so-vague-love. Hate to say it, but what is love, then? Was it so hard to describe? Oh, yes, I am being hard again.

How should I address this? Totally no clue. I am even confused with my own terms, they are all in disguise. I always hate how much everything is so unclear, including myself and what I want in life. And also everything about it. Why can't I just enjoy whatever in front? Why should I feel so discouraged just because things are enjoying themselves before revealing who they really are?

Gosh, am a scary creature. 

"Gen Y" and "Rushing"

My boss once told me a very intriguing statement (at least to me), that in short, gen Y is known for their eagerness to grow and develop in a (seriously) timely manner. What it means is simply that gen Y likes to rush things. That's why it's so normal to see young executives these days, compared to gen X (my mom and above) jump from one career path to another one; or simply move from one company to another in such a short amount of time. I am not generalizing here, I am just thinking out loud. 

It could be because the current education system has severe problem in preparing their students to the workforce so then they could not sense what is "reality" in the office, neither with tools to handle the problems. 

Or, it might be because of the advanced technology that pamper us with a lot of instant results and ease of life. 

Or..... It might be both... And might be other different possibilities, which I am not willing to argue.

Why do I think so?

1. On the education part

Many people got out of one organization to another because they can't stand their bosses; they can't deal with the learning environment (that may not be challenging enough, or too hierarchical, or too stiff, etc.); they are not happy with the benefits or a bunch of other reasons. The problem I found in many (and perhaps myself), is that there is this big (ego) aspiration to develop a very specialized, amazing skills, but these people do not want to invest to start from zero. They want to be doing what the managerial level people would do, because the hocus-pocus, tiny-bitty, administrative jobs would kill them. 

Unfortunately, there's no "fast track" in achieving that. Everybody needs to go through the rough path because that is what it takes to be in the top position. Well, I know it's not everybody. Some that got lucky, can always go somewhere without doing so much effort. But, I am talking about the majority of the people here: those who need to work hard to get to one beautiful destination (at the end, only 1% of Indonesian people possess the 40% resources of the country). 

So it is damn hard to find people like my mom, who works for more than 25 years in the same company. That was her first and will be her last. Why? Because the gen Y will jump easily when there are better opportunities. Am not saying that's not a human trait, but loyalty seems dubious for the Gen Y. Loyalty is not meant for organization. Instead, some give it to a good cause, some to their own personal benefit. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just... It happened. 

Or maybe it doesn't have anything to do with loyalty. They move just because they know they do have the skills to offer, and they are not willing to compromise that with some office politics or bad bosses. 

2. On the technology part

With the advancement of technology -that has clear objective of putting human lives at ease, and to which the gen Y is somehow attached- they become pampered with all of easy access and instant results. Not to blame them, because at the end conference calls save the time that they will definitely waste with the traffic these days, or the money to travel all the way down to the other part of the world. 

We (the gen Y) get used to find things easily, acquire stuffs effortlessly, that is also backed up with the fact that the baby boomers worked really hard to step up their standard of living (which of course impacted the way gen Y think and behave -- many of them does not really need to work hard to get a Givenchy bag). 

Instant-mindset has become something embedded, even in our unconscious mind, which may be the reason why we like to get instant results in many things we do, including certain position in any organization. Or as simple as a forged relationship that is going well and settled, before taking the time to get to know each other further. We just want to achieve the end goal, without really wanting to enjoy the process (oh, how I am actually talking to myself here).

3. On the combination of both

There's no way we have single clue for every single problem in this complicated era. Everything happens not for a reason, but for a PLENTY of them. So, having the education aspect, also the technology, with a little combination of the so-lame-economic-statement, I guess is a hint in itself. 

***

Well, you never knew how a bitching session in the morning could trigger me to write this so-not-important-thoughts early in the day. But then, it's somehow clear to me, I am not the only one who experienced it. I don't know if it is a girl's problem, but the eagerness to rush a relationship is somehow imminent. 

We are just this uncertain, unstable, confused, with so much extra burden to the head, thinking about the relationship, where it is going to be, and if it was the one we have always wanted. For me, it is more to the "not enjoying the process" and "having to rush to see the end result" that bug me most. I am just lost in the complication of my own thoughts, just because I can't be patient with what I have right now. I am always intrigued to look for what's going to happen tomorrow. 

What a terrible, terrible feeling.

Touche

How could someone become so adorable yet humane at the same time?

Flooded

This is my first encounter with flood, and maybe my first grateful moment being stuck in such disaster. I don’t know what stroke me, but I was literally patient (when patience is my big, general issue) going through the flood that almost touched my lower thigh. There was no anger, no impatience, no hatred whatsoever. I just went through the moment calmly, knowing that complaining would not help in any way possible. But the thing that got me thankful was the fact that I finally learned how to empathize with those flood victims that I had never been able to relate my whole life (besides those who were against the idea of fuel price increase). 

I have had always been in a privileged situation, where I need not worry about losing stuffs because of such incidents, or having to cut off serious needs because of the increase of food price. Until today, I got to face my challenge of growing up, being independent, with no help from anyone. I just need to go through everything bravely, with perseverance and faith that “this too shall pass”. What a great experience, indeed.

Thank you, God, for letting me “seeing” the real problem on the other side. Am grateful for this opportunity.

Just like what my friend once said, “If you have all of the things in the world, what would you be grateful about?”

D: Freaking Out

Bener nggak sih udara di luar bisa bikin mood berubah? Kenapa sih cuaca belakangan ini super gloomy, dan membuat gue ikutan gloomy dibuatnya? Oh how I know I am writing shit, but I just can't focus on doing whatever I am supposed to do now. When would this feeling go away? :(

Sangat Tidak Penting

Things I desperately want to do this weekend but I know it's not happening:

1. Beli dan baca "Maya" by Ayu Utami (I guess I am living in a cage that I seriously missed the launch of the book, and found out too late that it's been launched on December 18!!!!! So fucked up)

2. Selesain "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg

Kalo baca Maya aja ga bisa, apalagi baca yang ini. And I am too famous for not being able to sit around just to read a book (or two) for the entire weekend (not only because I get bored easily, but also because I am just always occupied with something else)

3. Baca blognya "PM" dan belajar deeper tentang communication industry.
I am just drown into this new blog of PM, the daughter of GM, and her world of communication. Just so attractive, feeling that I learn so much more than the 4 years I spent studying in college.

Things that got me unable to do the three freakin important things:

1. Promised Faela and Emil to meet this weekend, perhaps over coffee or something. I know it's gonna take forever for us to catch up!!!! (Not that I hate it, I am just......)

2. Diving class. If this thing is not canceled again for the third times. 

3. Grab the race pack for marathon and meet Manda & Naldi afterwards. It's gonna be another so called "reunion" with the two. Chit chat for the long period of time. Lovely......

4. Run and run and run after gaining soooo much weight over December and January...

I know the four are also important activities and yes I love doing it... It's just...... I miss being lazy on weekend.... I miss being with myself and myself only......

Oh, how I love to be Ms. Loner now... I DON'T CARE.. DUH..

Pendulums

Just bought a pendulum set for a bracelet. I used to have this early last year, but accidentally it was broken, so I made a new one for 2014! And here's the "excuses" behind each pendulum:

1. Bicycle

Although the picture wasn't so clear, but the pendulum on the left-end is actually a bicycle. This might be the most weird reason, but the bicycle reminds me of the need to exercise :D

2. Kettle

That explains that I am tea drinker, not really a big fan of coffee. Not because I hate it, but it will keep me awake for the next 14 hours..

3. Plane

Traveling is something that I always keen on doing, in fact one of my favorite things to do.

4. Stroller

A baby stroller represents my love for children, but in specific, my dream to have my own baby (as soon as I get married :p)

5. Seahorse

Oh, how I enjoy the scenery underwater!

6. Ruler

Precision is something that I am obsessed with! Yes, an OCD over perfection! And yes, I am into details!!

7. Heart

That showcases my strength and at the same time, my weakness: being so sensitive, passion & emotionally driven. 

8. Camera

Who doesn't like taking pictures? I do! I always enjoy photography as an art. Doesn't mean I am good at it, at least I am an appreciator. 

9. Castle

Fairytale, especially from Disney is one thing I am 100% fond of. Yeah, I wish I end up like Cinderella :p

10. Mixer

Dessert, especially cakes and pastries, are the best things on earth!!!! I can't express my love for them even more…

11. Eiffel Tower

Even my unconscious alerted me much about my love for Paris. I never knew I am so obsessed by it that I can dream about it more than twice a week! I am just drown into its romanticism, atmosphere, architecture, especially the dream it offers to people. 

12. Watch

Being so time efficient, and at the same time impatient. Yes, that's what the message I was trying to convey from the watch. 

This little bracelet is something that I am going to use on day to day basis from now on.. Hopefully, will add more when I find more pendulums...

Emotionally Emotional

I am more than surprised to find out that a place and a song could bring back repressed memories from the past. Just when I stepped my foot in the Soekarno-Hatta Airport this afternoon, it felt like I was about to pass out, but with my eyes holding tears and wounded heart.

What happened? I am not sure at all. I am lost for words now.. There were just too many things happening: the hugs, the kisses, the feeling, the farewell, the welcome, the smile; every little pieces would just piled up, made me suffocated all of a sudden. 

How could a love so strong went wrong?

Carefree

Worry less, and I am already so much happier than I used to be. I don't know if it was just a form of justification for eating so much fatty food, without considering much about anything else (my cholesterol, the wasted food, or such). But I really find it a joyful experience to be fat and happy :) Especially, as opposed to the way I used to complain a lot about my "shrinking" clothes. 

I hope this is who I am, and where I am heading. The positive version, the happier person, the more grateful individual. I hope this is not just because of a new-year-hype. I hope it stays. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Seeing the first few scenes of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, I kinda underestimated the movie. Even, I thought of a huge regretful feeling, knowing that I agreed to watch that movie. Seriously, I thought it was a piece of junk: a lot of (extremely) exaggerated actions and the so-not-anticipated storyline, I was so disappointed.

Up to my surprise, I actually enjoyed that movie a lot. Not that the exaggerated scenes were away, but more to the story and the morals it was trying to point out. I saw a very down to earth story depicting a citizen of a big city, living in a country like America, with his own struggle being daydreamer, not so much money in his pocket but trying to afford a living for him and his mother. Not only that, his “unique” experience and so-not-brave movements in front of a woman he liked. That was just, grounded. Something that most people, especially perhaps in America, can relate to because it’s just so close to real life.

In a broader context, it also pictured the issue of a magazine who wasn’t able to make ends meet, turning into a new digital platform, with an entirely different direction and board and ended up laying people off their previous jobs. Definitely, it was a real issue, haunting the real people, trying to lift up the shout from those whose life was ruined.

Everything was just falling into pieces: how people just sometimes need a boost to go out there, explore, fight for life and risk a lot of things to get something right; how we were missing things that were right in front of our faces so often because we were trying to find a drama out of things; or how being nice as a boss or newcomer is actually a must; how a mom would always be there for you; how an annoying sister is still a part of family. There were plenty to enjoy. Something small from a casual life, but something special that we actually should be thankful for. 

People will surely have different views on it. Again, that’s how I see it. I just see something worth sitting down, or at least considering. It touches my heart, that’s the most important part. It gave me moment to ponder.

Just a simple story with huge meaning.

Corinthians 13

Someone I truly respect told me his boundary of the term "love" which becomes the basis of his relationship with his beloved partner:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Apa Kata Dunia?

Bagiku, hidup itu tidak pernah terasa mudah. Bahkan ketika aku melewati hari-hari yang menyenangkan, bertemu orang-orang yang begitu peduli dengan diriku, menghabiskan waktu berbincang akan banyak hal, mengulas banyak permasalahan dan solusi yang mungkin, atau sekadar mencurahkan isi hati. Aku memang orang yang begitu rumit.

Ada banyak waktu di mana aku merasa rumit menjadi orang yang begitu rumit. Ada terlalu banyak waktu ketika aku hanya menginginkan satu hal: menjadi orang yang sederhana. Punya pemikiran yang sederhana, punya keinginan yang sederhana, dan bisa memaknai hidup dengan sederhana. Sayangnya, sekeras apapun aku berusaha menjadi orang seperti itu, aku justru semakin sulit bergulat dalam dan dengan diriku sendiri.

Ya, aku memang aneh. Mungkin yang paling aneh dari kumpulan yang teraneh. Aku tidak bisa begitu saja tidur bahkan ketika sudah seminggu aku hanya tidur selama 5-6 jam, dan melewati minggu yang begitu panjang. Aku tidak bisa tidak memikirkan hal-hal kecil tentang diriku dan hubunganku dengan orang-orang terdekatku. Aku tidak bisa tidak harus menuliskan semua isi kepalaku untuk bisa tidur dengan tenang, seolah tidak ada hari esok, dan persoalan itu harus diselesaikan sekarang.

Unik. Banyak orang baik yang akan memberiku label begitu. Ya, aku hanya bisa bersyukur bahwa masih ada orang-orang yang peduli denganku dan masih mau berteman denganku terlepas dari “keunikanku” yang begitu rupa.

Sebenarnya, semua tulisan ini aku buat hanya dan hanya karena salah satu teman terbaikku, Meilani, mengatakan satu kalimat yang begitu menohokku hari ini. Satu pesan yang harus kujalankan kalau aku memang benar-benar ingin memulai hubungan yang baik dengan laki-laki manapun. Intinya, aku harus bisa mengerem kebiasaanku untuk secara berlebihan memprioritaskan laki-laki di atas segalanya. Tentunya dengan memberikan orang tersebut ruang untuk dirinya sendiri. Karena hanya itu satu-satunya cara mendapatkan orang yang juga sesuai dengan preferensiku –yang punya dunianya sendiri, di mana dunia itu tentunya tidak berporos padaku.

Jadilah aku luar biasa bingung dibuatnya. Karena kata-kata itu tidak lain dan tidak bukan: 100% benar. Ya, aku memang selalu tertarik pada laki-laki yang misterius, yang punya dunia yang berbeda, yang tidak memfokuskan hidupnya hanya untuk menyenangkan aku. Tapi, aku harus ingat juga bahwa ketika mereka tidak memfokuskan hidupnya untukku, aku ada di prioritas kesekian dalam hidupnya, sehingga aku tidak berhak memaksanya memprioritaskan aku, dengan sederetan tuntutan-tuntutan lainnya. Aku harus benar-benar bisa belajar untuk memberikannya ruang, supaya hal buruk yang terjadi padaku di masa lalu tidak lagi terulang.

Masalahnya, aku sendiri tidak tahu bagaimana harus memulainya. Mungkin kontrol diri. Tapi hey, tentu saja itu tidak pernah mudah. Aku orang yang benar-benar sensitif, emotionally driven. Singkat kata, aku selalu mengandalkan emosi dalam menjalankan segala sesuatunya. Alhasil, ketika sudah jatuh cinta, aku jadi secara berlebihan memprioritaskan seseorang, dan menginginkan orang tersebut juga melakukan yang sama, karena di situlah letak kebahagiaanku. Sayangnya, kembali pada pernyataan sebelumnya, orang-orang yang kuharapkan tidak pernah memberikan prioritas yang sama, karena mereka punya tuntutan hidup yang lebih tinggi dariku.

Pastinya, aku ingin mencari orang yang bisa memberikan prioritas yang sama dibandingkan yang tidak, tapi tentunya masih dengan spark yang sama. Tapi apakah itu mungkin? Kurasa sama sekali tidak.

Berubah? Tidak yakin. Setidaknya belum. Mengubah model itu amatlah susah. Mengubah pendekatan terhadap masalah sama saja merombak diriku mati-matian.

Jadi aku lumayan putus asa dibuatnya. Kenapa sih tidak ada orang yang bisa memberikan keduanya? Kenapa hanya ada orang yang either memprioritaskan aku tapi tidak menarik, atau bisa membuatku tertarik sedemikian rupa tapi punya prioritas lain dalam hidup? Andai saja pilihannya tidak serumit ini.

Nah, di saat-saat seperti inilah aku merasa bahwa I am so full with myself. Padahal, jika aku zoom out sedikit saja, batang tubuhku sama sekali tidak Nampak di bumi ini (baca: jika dilihat dari pesawat udara). Apalagi jika dilihat dari pesawat luar angkasa.

Kadang manusia memang suka lupa, bahwa di luar sana, ada terlalu banyak hal yang tidak bisa dikontrol. Kehidupan galaksi, bintang-bintang, bahkan miliaran ikan di lautan dan burung di udara tidak bisa kita kendalikan sepenuhnya. Kita terlalu sering sibuk berpikir bahwa masalah kita begitu rumit sehingga waktu istirahat pun pantas ditunda karenanya. Kita seolah yakin, hari esok akan tiba pada saatnya.

Memang, Tuhan punya janjiNya sendiri. Dan manusia perlu berpasrah sambil berusaha. Tapi sungguh, aku tidak ingin menjadi terlalu sibuk dengan diriku sendiri. Dengan ketololan pemikiran yang sebenarnya kuciptakan sendiri. Di titik inilah aku perlu belajar berdamai dengan diriku, dengan dunia. Menanamkan dalam otakku bahwa ada banyak hal di dunia ini yang ada di luar jangkauanku. Jadi ada saatnya aku perlu berhenti memikirkan dan mengkhawatirkan segalanya secara berlebihan seperti ini.

Dan bahwa hidup memang tidak selalu mulus. Jadi aku perlu relaks sedikit. Kalau hidup semua orang di muka bumi ini sama, apa kata dunia?

Another Inspiring Lady

It’s just amazing how easy it takes to be happy. As simple as meeting a close friend, spilling out all the busy minds, hearing new perspectives of life and being positive to embrace what's coming. I feel so blessed to spend two days in my new year by sharing ideas and thoughts with people who actually care about you. It's totally precious and heartwarming to me.

This girl I just met, she's a mind blowing lady. One hell of a woman. A very tough, indeed very delicate inside. She always left me with a plenty of deep, thoughtful ideas to contemplate on. A bunch of quotes, but she meant every word. A very happy person, but a tough experience and life indeed. So proud of her in a lot of ways. The most important thing is, she doesn't judge. She accepts you for who you are. She sees a lot of positivity in people --one thing that not many people have. 

Am so inspired right now I even couldn't sleep because I am excited to write down what happened today. She just turned my mood upside down. What a girl……….