People may wonder when I would finally be able to set myself free from all those sadness and messed-up-stuffs. Well, I even wonder myself. It is pretty easy to tell others, "Do this, don't do that, etc.," but it is always easier said than done. So, shut up, and let me heal my broken heart. Don't you dare telling me that you care, because simply, I know it better than anyone else. Nobody would ever understand what I am going through, because nobody was there. Amel must have, but then it was a different story for it involved different people.
All I want to say, is that, I highly appreciate all the helps and questions, but I don't want to be pushed. I still want to be who I am, and I want to deal it on my own. With my own way. Let me cry, let me drown, but I want to make sure I feel revamped afterwards.
I am mentally damaged, because of what I have been going through. People told me I am just being disrespectful to God's blessings, but here is my defense. I am thankful to have a mother teaching me about working hard to get what you want, a sister that is a role model in education, a funny brother to play with, and a weird but outgoing dad. Yet, above all, I don't feel a family, I don't feel like home being in my own house, and I hate it all. I always feel alone, and I don't know where to go, despite the close relationship I have with God.
It feels like everything is wrong. And just wrong. I always look up to other people to help me with stuffs, to accompany me, to be with me, to talk to, anything, basically. I can't stand being alone, unless it is for shopping or jogging. I become attached to anyone close to me, especially my boyfriends. I am being possessive, I feel like having them full time, which they could not afford, and then only I become annoying.
I want to be number one in their hearts, in their lives, just because I always do the same thing. I love wholeheartedly. I badly want people to do the same things I did to them. Call it insincere, I simply don't care. Smell so selfish? Perhaps I am.
Did I ever wish to be like this? No. Do I like myself? Not at all. Should I blame God? I don't think so, though. I know I should be held accountable for this. For letting this "disease" controls over my life. But hey, why me?
I feel suffocated in here!
I am mentally damaged, because of what I have been going through. People told me I am just being disrespectful to God's blessings, but here is my defense. I am thankful to have a mother teaching me about working hard to get what you want, a sister that is a role model in education, a funny brother to play with, and a weird but outgoing dad. Yet, above all, I don't feel a family, I don't feel like home being in my own house, and I hate it all. I always feel alone, and I don't know where to go, despite the close relationship I have with God.
It feels like everything is wrong. And just wrong. I always look up to other people to help me with stuffs, to accompany me, to be with me, to talk to, anything, basically. I can't stand being alone, unless it is for shopping or jogging. I become attached to anyone close to me, especially my boyfriends. I am being possessive, I feel like having them full time, which they could not afford, and then only I become annoying.
I want to be number one in their hearts, in their lives, just because I always do the same thing. I love wholeheartedly. I badly want people to do the same things I did to them. Call it insincere, I simply don't care. Smell so selfish? Perhaps I am.
Did I ever wish to be like this? No. Do I like myself? Not at all. Should I blame God? I don't think so, though. I know I should be held accountable for this. For letting this "disease" controls over my life. But hey, why me?
I feel suffocated in here!
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