Pathetic Me

Thinking that I know what has been happening throughout my life, I suddenly realize that I never really put the all puzzled thoughts into words, writings. All of these postings in many times helped me to reflect, trace back the memories, find out what's missing, what have gone wrong. It has helped me to find who I really am. 

Tonight, something stroked me.  Swiftly, I think I found out the “WHY” I have been looking for; the reason why I have been so lazy, losing passion to do things, missing the spark and competitiveness.

Well, I cannot deny I am just sick. I do have mental problem that explains why I am being me: emotional, easily disturbed, reactive and so on. I have the devil inside me that hampers me from changing, from being a better person. But here’s what the “rational” me argues.

I thought I like working for corporate, a dumb-ass think would do, according to my baby B. Those competition, MUN, debating stuffs, those are just out of date. I am more to a PR person. I am born to work in a company, be like those people and be a professional – something that my baby B would definitely refuse to do (he would never allow me to be ‘that’ type, unless I want us to end). He thinks an employee is never good enough. Working your ass off for someone else? Certainly not in his dictionary. I gotta play out of that game, build my own company if I would like to dedicate my life in business. Yet, being a social worker is something that he would prefer. But we are not going to talk about him this time.

I am just trying to say that I thought that’s is my purpose of life (how sad you are, Gadis – my baby B would say). That’s what I am born to do, be a professional. Not only I found my skills in being it, I think I can excel and be the best in that area.

You’ll find another but.

But somehow, when I was interning in “that” energy company, I got fed up with office politics or being bossed around like some dog. I was extremely fatigue with working space, deadlines or any other regulations. I do find the job as interesting. I love it, even. Yet, knowing that you’re doing it for someone who act like a “boss”, you know what I mean, you just want to get out so badly.

So, I found out that I am just being me. Again. Sadly. I want everything to fit into my perception, my expectation. I have never been realistic. And that is just screwed. I would never find happiness. That’s why my baby B always told me how to be happy from the inside. How to reflect and accept everything that is ongoing. Sometimes, things did not go as well as we planned them to be.

Is that another excuse, Gadis? Well, I can’t tell, honestly. Perhaps it is.