Si Parasit Lajang

Humor-humor cerdas bertebaran di dalamnya, membuat momen membaca menjadi proses yang begitu menyenangkan, tapi juga dalam. Luasnya pemikiran yang disertai dengan konsistensi tampak jelas menyemburat di buku ini. Ayu bukan sosok yang ikut arus, dia benar-benar melihat persoalan dari mata, kepala, dan hatinya tanpa sibuk menyamakan diri dengan dunia. Dia memahami betul apa yang diyakininya, dan itu yang menjadikannya sosok mengagumkan. Dia tidak pernah menerima apapun mentah-mentah, dia membedah setiap kata sebelum dicernanya. Pantaslah dia mendeskripsikan dirinya sebagai "critical-spiritualist" yang tiada henti berkarya menemukan jawaban atas apa yang dicarinya. 

Kejujuran dan jalan yang dipilihnya, itu juga terlalu berharga.

Happy Graduation!

I haven't had the chance to say congratulations for all of my best friends who graduated early this month. Gosh, time flies. So, welcome to the real world, babies!

Crossroads

I am now at the crossroads. Saya ada di persimpangan jalan yang begitu pelik. Tidak mudah rasanya mengambil keputusan. Tidak mudah nyatanya mengambil jalan. Setelah berlalu beberapa waktu, tibalah saya pada perhentian di mana pertanyaan itu tidak terelakkan lagi. Terlepas dari segala masalah yang biasanya kami hadapi, pertanyaan yang satu ini tidak kenal ampun, karena menyangkut urusan hidup atau mati. Setidaknya, di kepala saya, hidup adalah masalah prinsip; dan banyak prinsip manusia lain yang tidak bisa ditawar. Prinsip yang menentukan kemana kamu akan dibawa setelah kamu mati. Prinsip itu yang bagi sebagian makhluk harusnya diberi harga mati. 

Saya pun berpendapat demikian. Keyakinan bukanlah perkara main-main. Dan nyatanya saya menyadari di usia yang masih terbilang muda ini, saya (terlalu) sering mengambil keputusan dengan gegabah, mengandalkan emosi dibandingkan rasio (duh, bosan), termasuk juga menyimpulkan dan memberikan penghakiman atas hal ataupun orang. Saya pikir saya sudah mengambil jalan yang benar saat ini. Saya merasa mampu, saya merasa dewasa. Sayangnya, I am nowhere near mature. Saya tidak bisa digolongkan sebagai kaum dewasa. Lebih anehnya lagi, kenapa saya bisa menilai diri saya dewasa sementara saya menyelesaikan persoalan bak anak kecil?

MALU

Malu sekali rasanya membaca blog kawan-kawan tercinta yang penuh dengan tulisan-tulisan memukau, karya yang begitu sempurna dan menawan pikiran. Tentu nama tidak perlu disebutkan satu persatu di sini. Tapi Gadis, kamu begitu tertinggal. Kamu begitu sibuk dengan romantisme cinta yang tidak akan kemana. Kamu begitu tenggelam dalam asmara dan jatuh bangunnya.

Kamu begitu tidak berguna dan menyedihkan, rupa-rupanya.

Question Mark

Last night we had a pretty good night. We spent time hugging each other very tight, smelling each other’s scent, chatting about how tough life is; a quality time – and I always love it whenever we have that particular moment in our busy days, or his busy days. It is not the topic that matters; it is really the moment that you capture. It gives you the sense of peace in life.

Unfortunately, the clock kept on ticking and it was time for him to get home but we continued the talk through phone. It came to my surprise that he suddenly had this idea of me going out with my friends, spending some money, joining language classes, learning how to cook – which I took as one way of him saying that I needed some extra activities, perhaps not to bother him too much.

I realize that I used to be very busy, especially two to three years ago. College, added with work, organization, friends and so forth really kept me occupied. I didn’t have time for myself but I was okay. I wasn’t that “disturbed” mentally, probably because I did not have the time to think. Yet, I was sure that I wasn’t that happy either. I had hoped that my life was more lenient.

That’s human though. People always wanted different life; I am no exception. Now, I began to really think. Shall I go out? I have been wasting my time at home, doing nothing but watching tv, sleeping, eating. I am not productive at all. But do I really want to go out? I guess I just want to spend time with him. Another quality time. I want him and nothing else. Oh, I sound so pathetic.

The temptation to have fun does not get into me anymore without ever letting me know the reason why. So, I am confused; stuck.

Gadis, when will you feel good about everything? When will you rejuvenate yourself to be better?

Special Treat

He has his own way to let me know that he cares about me. He seems ignorant at first, but he's full of surprises himself. Not that he throws a lot of stuffs to surprise me, but his personality is already a surprise for me. He can be really nasty, but funny at the same time. He can be totally wise and smart, but he can be a cuddly bear too. I know I can't lose him. 

Happy Birthday, My Dearest Boni Hargens

On His Day

I mean, I know I have been so selfish myself. I hardly thank him just because I feel awkward saying so. Hmm, different feeling; nothing like I have ever experienced before with my exes. Perhaps because I want to owe him nothing. I don’t really know. One thing for sure, I actually know I should have appreciated him more, especially after all the things that he has given me, most importantly his time and affection. And forgiveness.

Do you know how frustrated people can be just because of me? Oh, I am really a bad, bad creature. I frustrate people around me due to my individualistic behavior and thinking that I even sometimes forgot exist.

And I really do know how he got so disturbed by my violent behavior every time I snapped, or the improper words, or the way of my thinking. I am just negative.

But he understands me. Most of the time, at least.

Well, we fight and he often gets back to me, with anger and some piece of revenge, perhaps. But overall, he understands. He’d calm me down, hug me tight and forgive me. Again and again. Until I feel so ashamed of myself that I am sure he’s going to leave one day.

I hope that day never comes, though.

Back to the old topic.

So today was his birthday, all I ask was just a little bit of appreciation and sense of celebration. Come one, it comes once a year. I know he’s not that partygoer type, but hey, I am not asking to throw a party here. I just need a quality time between us two, cuddle and talk. Have some proper food of course, for just once a year.

But he’s not here. He does not even appreciate what I gave. Not at all. He even blamed me for having ‘different dating style’ that he barely understood. What an offend. I was furious. I still am.

Actually, we’re not that different. In fact, we are no different at all. We’re too similar. We want appreciation but no one wants to start. Oh, how exasperating can that be? 

Change of Perspective

Today, I realized something of importance. Although the notion of "growing up" has been embedded within my head, the realization is not as easy as I thought before. Even more, I thought I am a grown up. Well, according to my age, I am supposed to be mature enough. Yet, among all friends, in facing many circumstances, it is very often that I acted like a child; emotional, reactive, careless and worst, brainless.

It is not a surprise that I thought of suicidal most of the times I feel devastated, especially in romance. Stupid? I perhaps am; or maybe definitely am. I won’t deny.

So, this morning, I just feel like my problem is cracking my head. Nobody said composing a thesis would be easy; people would tend to love if there’s any help offered. So do I.

I was very glad that my genius man was just discussing to help me build a great case of research. Unfortunately, it turned out nothing like I had imagined before. I know that he ‘likes’ to be in control, but nothing like this. He wanted me to follow exactly everything he wanted me to do, without any further discussion. Nothing at all.

My concern is more that I want him to believe in me too. I want him to give me some portion of decision-making, so that I can gain a little bit of confidence over what I was about to submit. You know, every thing he said is like a constitution; black at the top of the white, no bargaining whatsoever; do it or die for the punishment.

However, when I was about to tell my friend about the frustration I am going to (like I used to couple of months before), suddenly I hesitated. I knew he wouldn’t like me saying anything bad about him to my friends or relatives (basically anyone), so I stopped abruptly.

Out of nowhere, I began to think of it positively. I tried to change my perspective. I attempted myself to take a look at this as a form of affection, sacrifice, and hope. I should have been very thankful for having a mentor just like him.

I found faith, as one thing that will remove all doubts and negative impositions. Faith is indeed the foundation.

Despite the fact that sometimes I feel deceived, I have doubts in my heart, I can’t stop believing in this special man, without really knowing the reason why.

Maybe, I just want to. Maybe, I just am growing up. 
*fingers crossed*

Pengakuan Eks Parasit Lajang

Lagi dan mungkin akan seterusnya, saya jatuh cinta pada tulisan-tulisan Ayu Utami. Kali ini mengenai biografinya tentang seksualitas dan spiritualitas. Tergambar dengan detil seseorang yang penuh konsistensi, prinsipil, kritis, dan utamanya jujur. Ayu bukan saja mampu mengolah kata menjadi penuh makna dan begitu taktis, tetapi dia juga dapat membangun humor dari cerita-cerita yang seharusnya terdengar kelam ataupun miris. 

Buku ini membangunkan saya pada kenyataan hidup yang sesungguhnya, kepada siapa saya yang sebenarnya. Dia, yang berhasil membangun hidup dari seuntai kenangan baik dan buruk, kemudian membuat saya demikian bertanya-tanya, apakah saya juga akan mampu bangkit dari segala keterpurukan ini? Dia, yang sukses melawan ketidakadilan dalam sistem nilai dunia, khususnya adat, menggiring saya untuk kemudian bertanya-tanya lagi, apa yang mampu saya sumbangkan bagi dunia ini? Bagaimana saya dapat berguna bagi dunia?

Introspeksi diri begitu berharga, terutama baginya dan bagi kaum Katolik di berbagai belahan dunia. Kini, saatnya saya berefleksi dan mencari diri saya yang sesungguhnya. 

Amba

"Aku tahu aku akan selamanya mengecewakannya karena aku tak tahu bagaimana mencintai dengan begitu lurus dan lempang, sesuatu yang begitu luhur, begitu tak tercemarkan; aku tak tahu bagaimana mencintai sebuah tanggung jawab. Aku hanya tahu bagaimana mencintai dengan sepenuh jiwa dan raga. Dan itu berarti mencintai beribu rona, mencintai sesuatu yang membuatku merasa sehidup-hidupnya. Juga mencintai yang tidak sempurna."

"... Bapak, maafkan aku karena aku lagi-lagi lancang, tapi anak itu terlahir dari cinta yang telah kukenal betul bentuk dan daya geraknya dari lembar-lembar kitab yang diam-diam kubaca sedari kecil (karena Bapak juga membacanya): cinta yang merupakan gabungan yang karnal dan spiritual, di mana masing-masing saling memperkuat. Dan aku tahu bahwa Bapak selamanya tahu, di dalam lubuk hati terdalam, bahwa Salwa bukan jodohku. Bapak selamanya tahu cinta antara aku dan Salwa bukan cinta yang seperti itu."

"... Aku sendiri bahkan tidak menyadari sifatku sampai Srikandi lahir, sebab sampai titik itu, seluruh hidupku adalah kerja keras untuk selalu lebih baik dibandingkan dengan orang lain di sekitarku. Aku ingin lebih baik ketimbang adik-adik kembarku, ketimbang orangtuaku yang lurus dan sederhana, ketimbang eyangku yang tak mau bergantung kepada siapapun, ketimbang tunanganku yang setia dan baik budi. Baru setelah aku bertemu dengan Bhisma aku menyadari bahwa aku bukan apa-apa, bahwa yang aku ketahui cuma sedikit. Tapi ia membuatku merasa layak dengan segala kekuranganku. Meskipun kemudian aku berpikir, bila ia mampu membuat orang lain merasa demikian di dekatnya, dan bila orang lain itu lebih bernilai ketimbang aku, mengapa ia mau terus bersamaku?"

Di banyak fiksi yang kubaca, tak jarang aku menemukan bagian yang kurasa begitu mirip dengan apa yang kurasakan. Aku yang terlalu gede rasa, atau aku yang hanya mengada-ngada aku tidaklah tahu. Yang aku tahu, aku begitu menyukai roman. Aku menyukai sejarah. Laksmi Pamuntjak tentunya seorang penulis dengan informasi yang menggunung. Kiprahnya dan keahliannya jelas termaktub dalam novel Amba ini. Tetapi, lagi-lagi kisah romansa lah yang menarik hatiku begitu dalam mengikuti kisah demi kisah yang terangkai dalam buku ini. 

Tentunya ada banyak kutipan yang turut menyentuh hati dari paparan mengenai perjuangan banyak manusia di tanah Buru yang terasing. Aku tidak mampu merangkumnya kali ini. Mungkin nanti. 

When God Writes Your Love Story

Never thought that a Christian book could be this enlightening. Eric and Leslie Ludy caught my attention not only in the area of romance, but of all my life space. They challenged me tenderly to re-define what a life should have been if we were proud enough to say that we are Christian. Honestly, I feel greatly touched by the book. The book has brought me into a reality of the actual Christianity I thought I comprehended before.

They wrote a wonderful story about how a true Christian shall surrender all to their God once they believe in Him. In the waiting, we shall not waste our time, energy and heart to those person who will only trifle them away.

But to relinquish is nothing if we don’t make our best effort to maintain the purity He has granted in each person; purity of mind, body and soul; the purity that we will devote to our future spouse, but most importantly The Almighty.

We shall live each day consciously, knowing that our future spouse is waiting for us, thinking that God and that “man” or “woman” are watching our conduct closely. The connection we build with our family and relatives will be the one to determine if we are ever going to be able to build a joyful future family with the person God has chosen for us. The same family and relatives will also be the one who shall give us advice if the person we are with now only brings us closer to God, because if that happens and vice versa, that person is the one we shall spend the rest of our life with.

“The sweeter song”, that is how they called it, is a difficult and rough path, loneliness will come and go, but to have faith is the real task of being a true Christian. God shall be the center of our life. By that, we will lose some notoriousness because we no longer follow our ambition but His great plan on humans; we will not hold the “pen” of our life any longer. That is nothing easy, yet we are not alone as God is walking together with us, giving us the strength that only He possesses.

As my baby B always mentioned in Matthew 6: 25-34, we shall never be worried – it is a wonderful passage that shall keep us alive till the day comes.