The Day

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for. Hopefully, I will shed another light. A bright one. 

Life it is

I feel like crying. Out of nothing. 

It really is overwhelming to experience a day of blessings like yesterday, when I have my best friends sharing precious moments with me, but to live a day of curse like today, where I started a rough morning and felt unsettled for the rest of the day. Why these mood swings? Seriously, I have had enough. 

Amazing it is, to spend 9 years building friendship, getting to know each other deeper, sharing dirtiest secrets, and helping one another every time one is caught with problem. And I can't thank Jerry enough for that. The comfort and chemistry, I would never find somewhere else. 

To him, I confessed. That the work of God is the one actually takes control over my life. That nothing great I possessed is by far I have planned to happen. All of the amazing opportunities, was nothing I have prepared before, or not even thought before. Exchange, internship, summer school, one-year long event; those are the things I seriously did not expect to occur in my life, ever. And I thank the Almighty for setting the whole things up for me, because they were undoubtedly wonderful. 

Yet, at the same time, I also felt how the whole things that come unexpected can create deep wounds inside my heart, which I am feeling now. Call me a control freak, but I am deeply ruined. And screwed. Over all things that stray into the unknown area where I am incapable of mastering. 

Gosh, why life is so complicated? Why am I me? Why can it never be just as simple as living?

Well, I really hope this is the symptom of growing up (I know it doesn't look like one to any of you, but at least to me). I learn to understand the way of life (sorry if I am being too late on this). Most important of all, I try to accept. Proved it today. I tried to make peace of myself, although it's been tough like hell.

Try better tomorrow. *crossingfingers*

Two Cents

No wonder the members of this family grew up selfish. No “Hi” or “Hello” when somebody got in the doorway. No “How were you doing” after a day. We keep most problems to ourselves. Or to our best friends. But not to each other, which I found very miserable.

That is exactly why we tend to be cold to each other, keep saying, “Hey, mind your own business” whenever one tries to be nosy. We don’t really know what’s happening to one another because it just has never been the tradition in the group.

Which sadden me much. As I am no introvert kind of girl. I share most of my problems to my closest – who should have been my family instead of my friends. At least in my humble opinion.

That is also why I feel the eagerness to start up a new family, where I can take care of my children, internalize new habits (the good one of course, according to myself), and live so much better life. Unlike this one. Seriously.

Many people consider me rude, even my boyfriend thinks that way too whenever he caught me talking to my parents. Well, other than I would say “Dude, you don’t live my life so think twice before saying anything…”, I would rather say that is how I express myself and my values.  That is how I emphasize, “I know you’re older and that means something in our society, but that seriously does not mean that you are right in everything you do. Hey, I want to be heard too for what I have to say. And sorry if that means I am selfish because you are too.”

Yeah, call me rude. But even Meilani, one of my closest, said in one dinner with my family, “It is now obvious why you become such a great debater, because you actually practice that first in your family. I have never experiences such heated one before.” I am not trying to correct myself this time. But Meilani also said, how your parents treat you will affect the way you treat them. And probably, that’s what is happening at your house.

Silly, but true. Pardon my schools for having me taught. Pardon my English clubs for having my brain washed. I just simply think that Eastern people like to complicate things, A LOT. Things they shouldn’t bother, they complain (read: my mom). There are plenty of things out there we should discuss. How we can live significant life and so on and so forth, and not how she got panicked when I borrowed her car one night to drive my friend home – when she never did whenever my father sneaked every night with the same car.

Just my two cents, though. 

Manjali dan Cakrabirawa

Adalah kekaguman yang tidak pernah berhenti; perasaan yang selalu saya rasakan seusai membaca karya-karya Ayu Utami. Entah, saya tidak tahu bahwa seseorang dapat begitu mahirnya memainkan kata-kata untuk merasuki pikiran manusia, menggunakan kata-kata sebagai senjata untuk menumpahkan ketidaksukaannya kepada sebuah rezim, mengaduk kata-kata untuk mengawinkan sejarah, pewayangan, dirinya, dan sastra – dan tak lupa pemahamannya atas spiritualitas. Kekaguman yang juga tiada pernah mati.

Tetapi lebih dari sekadar ahli kata-kata, penulis ini. Kemahirannya meneliti, mengobservasi, menemukan benang merah atas segala hal yang banyak dilupakan manusia modern, atau justru ditinggalkan, itulah yang menjadi keahliannya. Keahlian yang kemudian mencetaknya sebagai penulis andal.

Di sinilah Ayu juga mencoba membangunkan gadis-gadis remaja macam saya untuk tidak hidup bergelimang kenikmatan semata dan puas begitu saja. Dia mencoba menyulut kita semua dengan kenyataan bahwa negeri yang begitu kaya dengan sejarah dan budaya ini ditinggalkan oleh pecundang-pecundang yang tak tahu definisi harta yang sesungguhnya, yang terlalu sibuk dengan segala alasan berkedok rasionalitas.

Ayu tak menentang rasionalitas, sungguh. Hanya saja, “Di jaman modern ini, manusia cenderung terlalu mengunggul-unggulkan rasio sehingga mereka kehilangan kemampuan-kemampuan kreatif sebelumnya. Yaitu, kepekaan yang magis dan mitologis. Kemampuan untuk berhubungan langsung dengan alam. Kemampuan untuk tidak berjarak. Kemampuan untuk membuat dan membaca karya anak-anak. Kemampuan untuk mencipta dan memahami gambar kuna dan relief candi.”

Hidup tidaklah cukup hanya mengenyangkan diri sendiri. Manusia hidup memiliki peran. Itulah sebabnya tidak ada kebetulan yang terlalu banyak. Dan mungkin tidak ada kebetulan. Dan inilah pernyataan yang terus-menerus diulangnya, pun pada Bilangan Fu. Bahwa nyamuk pun punya peran.

Lantas, apa peran saya?