The Irony of Getting Older

When I was little, getting older was the prominent thing I ever wanted. Ironically, all I want to do when I am now 2o years of age, is to stay young. Because I am just too afraid of the future. I am just too afraid that I waste most of my time wondering what I should have done differently, or pondering upon things I wish I would have done.

Today, I just realized something of importance: that I haven't really found my passion. I do not really know the things I am in love with, the things I will not be bored doing, the things to which I will engage for the rest of my life. The years I spent in university, honestly, have not given a clear picture of Communication, of something I would really be passionate about. I like Communication, I like Public Relations, I like Mass Communication, but I want to find something I am crazy about, if that's not too much to ask.

Initially, I decided to go on for my thesis before I graduate. I wanted to produce something precious, that symbolizes my intellectual maturity and competence (if any). I thought I would just need to finish another 18 credits next semester, including thesis, then say goodbye to campus life. But today, I knew I haven't discovered anything interests me most to write. Issues come and go, some stick occasionally and temporarily, but nothing stays till now. And that despairs me. Even worse, I need to take more than 18 credits to graduate. In fact, next semester, I should take 24 credits, including the thesis. And so I feel miserable.

If I am about to graduate at the end of this year, that means I am going to take the whole 24 credits, including thesis, which will be more than exhausting. It is possible, yes, it is. But will it be comfortable? I don't think so.

So I am thinking of other possible solutions: graduating next year. But will that answer my anxiety of the late discovery of my passion? No. It will not. I still need to struggle for a topic. Topic that should catch my attention for around 4-6 months.

Besides thesis, I actually still have another choice, which is Final Project with Internship, which I assume to be nice. So I am thinking about going back to IndoPacific Edelman, getting some new insights, brainstorming till I get something nice to write about, and finally write the Final Project.

Yes, that might be an option. But that bothered me to a whole new level. I then continued to plan my future. I questioned myself again and again, "What do I really want?" What about Master's Degree? Have I found a right place to go? Before that, have I decided what to study? Those kind of questions were bugging me like crazy for the past few hours, then I emailed my lecturer who happened to study for her Master's Degree in the Netherlands. I asked her this and that. And to my surprise, she answered. She asked me to meet her tomorrow at 2 pm.

I haven't said anything. I googled school in UK. I googled best universities in the world. I googled Chevening scholarship. I googled too many things. It was so intense. Is this how it would feel, growing older? How pathetic? Worrying much?

I gotta draw and list down things I want. But I can't. It's just too much for the moment. I just need time to stop. But it is impossible. Oh, why would I need to care? Why would I need to grow anxiety within my heart? Within my brain!

Does getting older mean something like this? Why would I want it in the very first place back then?????