Cupid's Blessing

favorite scene of AADC

our own-made red velvet cake

the lads

This writing was made the day after Valentine's Day. But due to some reasons, I only have the time to post it now.

***

I no longer celebrate Valentine's day, simply because there is nobody to share the day with. But that idea was obsolete and ridiculous, for I just spent the most precious Valentine's Day ever, with Jovi and Amanda. Started with eating her helper's cuisine for some energy (after I was about to faint due to stupid diet), we then tried to bake Red Velvet Cake with love :D Although it didn't turn out as perfect as we expected, it was our joined efforts and we felt special by it.

And to add the joy, we gathered around the dining table and conversed with Jovi's parents, which was, for me, the best conversation ever. We talked about plentiful subjects: Fanka, business, politics, and such. What gladdened me was that I had never had that kind of conversation with my own parents. The kind that parents gave their perspectives about life, encouraging the kids to choose a particular path of life, with logical reasoning and calmed manner. I was brought up to live independently, to decide mostly every thing on my own hence I felt so thankful to have the conversation that passed through the night. Hours of discussion did not bore me, nor bother me. In contrast, it awed me.

Well, in Indonesia, we would have said, "Rumput tetangga selalu lebih hijau," meaning thatothers' grass will always be greener, that we will always envy others for what we do not acquire. Yet, in a positive way, I tried to bring the subject as learning lesson for both of my darlings.

That we will never see how grateful others seeing our life, that outsiders and strangers are more than thankful to have the same privilege as we do. We might think that ours sucked, that we are dying of boredom living with the same old people, but in the end, they are just trying their best to make us happy. And it is more than enough for a sinful human like we are.

What a joy sharing with our besties, without whom I will never enjoy such company and lively chat. And to watch Ada Apa dengan Cinta together (until Manda fell asleep and left us), imagining Rangga (the main actor) being our boyfriends and those silly stuffs, were awesome.

Thank you again, Jovi and Amanda. Friendship shall never die.

This is What My Life Looks Like

How am I supposed to act normal if what’s going on in my house was not even near to normal? Please let me know if there is a Dad out there, who does not talk to the children, especially when he is angry with the kids? That he goes home, sees his own kid, but refuses to say anything (read: total silence)? Is there any? Well probably, introvert people who avoid confrontation would, which, sorry, but I would hate much.

Pardon me for this, but I need to say that problems stay even if you refuse to talk about it. It will never be gone, even if you try to forget it and pretend like nothing happen the other day. And so I am so, so, so freaking amazed with a father, who should be a role model, a figure to adore, turns out to be someone I disrespect, simply because his choice of problem-solving, that I consider so immature. I mean, even your twenty-years-old daughter can even think of sitting down and discussing our problems nicely when you can simply choose to hide from all of your anger. Isn’t that immature?

And pardon me again, for I believe that respect is universal, like Rain once said to me, that it knows no boundaries or barrier of age, gender, race, ethnicity, or citizenship, or anything. It only knows that people should respect one another. And that is why I would describe my Dad in this-kind-of-posting that might go public. Well, this is my choice of life and nobody should even judge me on that. You may, if you would, by the way.

I do respect him, but I have bore the pain all along. Sometimes I really wish I could have father figure that cares about my life, my academic plan, my extracurricular program, and everything I do. But okay, my Dad seems not to be interested in there. He is not interested in educating me with life-lessons and all. And for that, I have no objection. Probably, that’s how he educates his kids, and I should respect that. Especially I know the reason that he was brought up that way, with no Mom and rich Dad. He has no idea about what parenting is all about so I should understand.

What disappoints me most is that he never tried to be one. He never tried to be a good parent after all. He never changed. If you know what your flaw is, would you try to find ways to overcome it?

One might say I am too full of expectations. Again, pardon me for that. I have been looking around for insights. I have been looking around for answers, and this is the conclusion I come up with. Such a shabby writing, please forgive me. I am just trying to live my life wisely, in my own definition. Should you have objection, please let me know.

Just Wish Me Luck

The invitation from my friend to concept a non-governmental organization together (around environmental issues) got me thinking. There were reasons why I chose to involve in education over other prominent area to fix. In one hand, it was that I love educating people; I love teaching and sharing information with others, particularly with kids and teenagers. The other was because I had always believed in the power of education; how it can change one’s view of a world, how it opens eyes, and how it leads people to success. Although, I was also into economic-deterministic view, I still am confident of the good in education to unravel the mystery of world’s problems.

Yet, my friend explained something that prompted me to a deeper idea. That environment is part of us all but is million times forgotten and taken for granted. That people exploited natural resources for money, but now that the money is as big as the mountain, the amount of circulated money around the world may not be able to recover what have been gone. And we do not know that, or simply ignore the fact.

I then remembered how the now-generation kids were brought up with gadgets, far away from their surroundings, especially what we called gardening, taking care of pets, and all. They might not know how to take care of the environment in the future. So who would?

Unfortunately, our days are not only occupied with the problem of environment. Within social arena, the desolate story of Indonesian worker (mostly female) in countries like Saudi Arabia, Malaysia, and others broke my heart deeply. My lecturer at class just told us how badly their life out there. It would be lucky for them not to get raped, or killed. And it would be more than lucky when the salary is given right on time. But, getting abused with hands and any tools are daily breakfast. Not remembering when the last time you sleep, or to be specific, not remembering you sleep was an okayed situation. What a tragedy.

And that was not all. Indonesian children, who cannot afford getting to school (there are nearly 13 million of them), are pushed to work by being beggar, street-singer, newspaper seller, and many indecent activities, especially for kids. They do them all for nothing but to struggle with life. Struggle with the needs to eat, to buy food, and nothing else.

I haven’t mentioned the children who smoke since a very young age, 5 or less or more, I forgot. But they smoke, everyday, and sometimes prefer smoking than eating. They do not know how severe it will treat them in the long run, but they smoke based on believe that it brings them together very comfortably.

To add the spices, well, I just read the news, which stated that 90% of early teenagers (elementary to junior high) had had sex, with some numbers without protection, and ended up executing abortion. I am no judge here, I am not going to say anything. But I mean, isn’t it another problem when young minds like they are dare enough to execute abortion? Wouldn’t it leave trauma? And remember some abortion that will cause damage to the uterus and so on and so forth? So terrifying, indeed!

There, health issues create another problem to solve. So I am no joke when I said Indonesia has a lot to face, right? Feminist action, media literacy, and other things I am interested in, are indifferent. Problems are there, waiting people like us to solve them.

So my friend challenged me yesterday, to take some action, rather than waiting in vain. Well, my biggest problems are that I am not financially independent yet, and that I still live with my so-called-family who although struggle with its ups and downs still live me with role and obligation as a daughter, which I need to comply. You don’t know what kind of situation I am having right now. I want to runaway and help people, but that is only going to create other complications.

I wish I have another life, but hey, that is not appropriate. I just need to bear with this life a little longer, before I have mine. Meanwhile, I am going to equip myself with things that will help me serve others in the future.

Just wish me luck.

Dissatisfaction

Feeling lost, shackled, unhappy, and passionate-less definitely does not generate any sense of comfort in living. While experiencing that just right at the moment, plus watching Midnight in Paris, I am drawn to a more bitter level of excitement. I began to imagine life without rules, life without obligation, life without anxiety, and so on. And so forth.

Why should life be full of these craps? We are obliged to comply with certain criteria to sense happiness in life. Studying are compulsory to get our ass to a considerate degree thus we can work, get some money, buy stuffs, and be happy. But why these rules? Why these steps? Aren’t those stuffs burdening us all? Not to mention the thirst of accomplishment, of respect from people, of achievements, and other drives that only lead us to suffering?

Why can’t I be free? Why can’t I follow my heart? Why can’t I enjoy live my own way? I am more than tired to follow the common train of thoughts people think are right. Why can’t I be different?

The Irony of Getting Older

When I was little, getting older was the prominent thing I ever wanted. Ironically, all I want to do when I am now 2o years of age, is to stay young. Because I am just too afraid of the future. I am just too afraid that I waste most of my time wondering what I should have done differently, or pondering upon things I wish I would have done.

Today, I just realized something of importance: that I haven't really found my passion. I do not really know the things I am in love with, the things I will not be bored doing, the things to which I will engage for the rest of my life. The years I spent in university, honestly, have not given a clear picture of Communication, of something I would really be passionate about. I like Communication, I like Public Relations, I like Mass Communication, but I want to find something I am crazy about, if that's not too much to ask.

Initially, I decided to go on for my thesis before I graduate. I wanted to produce something precious, that symbolizes my intellectual maturity and competence (if any). I thought I would just need to finish another 18 credits next semester, including thesis, then say goodbye to campus life. But today, I knew I haven't discovered anything interests me most to write. Issues come and go, some stick occasionally and temporarily, but nothing stays till now. And that despairs me. Even worse, I need to take more than 18 credits to graduate. In fact, next semester, I should take 24 credits, including the thesis. And so I feel miserable.

If I am about to graduate at the end of this year, that means I am going to take the whole 24 credits, including thesis, which will be more than exhausting. It is possible, yes, it is. But will it be comfortable? I don't think so.

So I am thinking of other possible solutions: graduating next year. But will that answer my anxiety of the late discovery of my passion? No. It will not. I still need to struggle for a topic. Topic that should catch my attention for around 4-6 months.

Besides thesis, I actually still have another choice, which is Final Project with Internship, which I assume to be nice. So I am thinking about going back to IndoPacific Edelman, getting some new insights, brainstorming till I get something nice to write about, and finally write the Final Project.

Yes, that might be an option. But that bothered me to a whole new level. I then continued to plan my future. I questioned myself again and again, "What do I really want?" What about Master's Degree? Have I found a right place to go? Before that, have I decided what to study? Those kind of questions were bugging me like crazy for the past few hours, then I emailed my lecturer who happened to study for her Master's Degree in the Netherlands. I asked her this and that. And to my surprise, she answered. She asked me to meet her tomorrow at 2 pm.

I haven't said anything. I googled school in UK. I googled best universities in the world. I googled Chevening scholarship. I googled too many things. It was so intense. Is this how it would feel, growing older? How pathetic? Worrying much?

I gotta draw and list down things I want. But I can't. It's just too much for the moment. I just need time to stop. But it is impossible. Oh, why would I need to care? Why would I need to grow anxiety within my heart? Within my brain!

Does getting older mean something like this? Why would I want it in the very first place back then?????

Holidays!

As it is about to be over soon, I would like to immortalize my memories of these special holidays season. And the award goes to the trip with sk1ny to Bali, Gili, Lombok, and to Bali again. Problems were there, yet the happiness prevailed. Hence I want to thank Yovita Ayu Liwanuru, Saraswati Ratnanggana, Patricia Andika, and Fany Nasution for all the laughs, and jokes, and stupidity, and craziness.

Special thanks for Jovi and Fany for your sophisticated camera that captured every sweet moment we had been through.

Love you guys!

To My Beloved Friend, Angelina Yofanka

Whenever you take absence in writing, it will take some time for you to get back on your feet again. You will lose both the ability and the interest to write. That is what happens to me after gone for a month now. It feels so difficult to start writing again, although my heart and my brain were yelling out some thoughts, ideas, and feelings. So I guess this time I force myself not to run away any longer.

I have never experienced such a loss of a close friend, until recently my close friend Angelina Yofanka passed away through such tragedy. I wouldn’t go into details for I feel more than exhausted going through the same misery, anxiety, and questions all over again. What’s in the past stays there. What matters now is that she’s gone, leaving her loving family and friends, and inevitably leaving me with things to ponder upon.

She was a very wonderful person. Words may not be able to express my gratitude over the opportunity to get to know her from the very start in high school, spend so many times together, join a lot of class and organization, travel to a number of places, even find each other a boyfriend (or two :p). She was amazing. A true spirited girl who always lighted even the darkest situation. Passionate about life, full of dream, a high achiever, smart-ass kid who never studied to get the right score, which sometimes discomfort many people in a good way. Not to mention, she was so damn pretty that many guys chased after her. So yes, she had everything people would be jealous of. Yet, now she left in a very young age of 19. In rather a blink of an eye.

The question “Why her?” is a never-ending question people would ask. And is a never-ending question we would not be able to answer. But the most important thing right now is not to keep asking that, but to ask ourselves whether we have done the right thing over our lives, I reckon.

Like Fanka always said,

“Life is short, live well”

She has proven how life is supposed to be filled with good things, that time is so precious that we should never waste. Thus we should again ask ourselves, have we exerted ourselves to be a good person after all?

We will never know when we will die. Unanticipated, God will come over and take our souls, before we even realize. Life is rather short, life is rather short. God has chosen our beloved friend, Fanka to remind us to use the short period of time to contemplate what we have become and what we will become in the future. I really hope many lives would be different out of the incident that our friend had to experience. It should be a very good lesson for us all.

Dear Fanka, many thanks for every little detail we shared. You had been such an amazing friend and lover. I love you every day. And I pray that you will enjoy your paradise up there. Laugh, as you always did, darling.

Love,

Gadis

The Meaning of My Name

I got this website reference from my friend, Rangga Husnaprawira who tested himself and posted it in his blog. And to my surprise, the result was awesome. Amazingly, it's true. For you who want to try, visit http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

And here is the result when I entered my name, they gave me its meaning..

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.

You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.