nauseated

sumpah. hari ini gw muak banget. banget banget. gw udah cape ya berantem berkali2 sama nyokap gara2 masalah yang sama.

gw tau gw ga jago, gw tau gw bego. tapi gw pengen coba. gw pengen tau kemampuan gw sampe dimana.

jelas2 udah tau kalo gw paling ga bisa nahan emosi. masih aja tereak2 panik kaya gitu. siapa juga yang ga muak?

gw udah mencoba berkali2 untuk nahan. gw diem. tapi teteeeep aja diceramahin.

yaudah, mau ga mau akhirnya gw tereak.

i know it's not polite, saying something whacking in front of her face.

but i couldnt help it anymore. gw udah di batas kesabaran gw, ketika akhirnya gw tereak tanpa terkontrol lagi..

gw kesel. kenapa juga dia ga mau ngerti sih? kalo gw itu di masa2 penasaran. gw pengen coba.

udah jelas2 tau, gw tuh tipe orang yang ditampar dulu baru bilang, "oh iya ya, ditampar itu sakit" tapi masiiiih aja.. keukeuh marah2..

cape tau ga sih.. 

gw ga berpengalaman, baru berapa bulan sih gw nyetir? itu pun ga tiap hari!

jadi jangan samain pengalaman gw sama orang yang udah 20 tahun nyetir dong!

gw baru ketemu sekali dua kali pengalaman kaya gitu, yaudah.

kenapa sih suka banget mempermalukan gw depan orang banyak? supaya semua orang tau kalo gw bego? emang kenapa kalo gw bego di jalan? orang2 lain aja ga ada yang marah2!
gw udah ga tahan banget deh. gw capeee kaya gini terus..

mau pergiiiiiiii!

the inconvenient truth

yesterday, perhaps i was facing a really inconvenient truth.

a truth that smacked my hope down.

initially, i didn't want to open my heart for such thing like love.

i have hurted enough. and i don't want to feel anything painful like that, at least for the rest of this year, or the upcoming year.

but, unfortunately, brokenhearted is something we can't hide of, or something we can avoid.

it's just happened to me. and i need to face it, whether i like it or not.

well, i opened my heart for someone whom at first i never thought i could fall for.

i wasn't sure how did it come to me.

at first, i was so careful not to open it for anyone.

but at last, i can't deny. i have fallen for someone.

and when i realized there were something entering me, 

i should deal with the fact that it can't be exactly like i've always wanted.

it is a dead end.

the funny thing is, i cried.

mm, that's something i didn't expect.

i thought i was gonna be fine. but then i didn't.

i tried to run away, make distance,

but i simply can't.

because now, i get stuck on it. and can't turn back easily.

the face remained. in my head.

another day of sadness and loneliness

another day of sadness and loneliness.

mungkin emang bener, ga ada satu minggu pun yang gw lewati tanpa tangis. at least sekali.

hari ini, gw gatau kenapa gw tiba2 nangis lagi.

pertamanya sih gara gw berantem kecil sama nyokap gw, untuk hal yang amat sepele dan ga penting. dan terakhir2 gara2 seseorang, yang ga perlu diceritain lah siapa..

gatau nih kenapa, mungkin gara2 pms juga kali gw jadi kaya gini..

dari kemaren gw merasa orang itu kok menjauh, dan sama sekali ga peduli lagi sama gw..

gw tau kita berdua cuma temen biasa, tapi ya aneh aja kalo tiba2 kita kaya stranger yang ga pernah deket sebelumnya..

i don't whether he was really busy or not.

i just feel like he was far.

seperti biasa gw merasa, ga ada orang yang bisa ngertiin perasaan gw sekarang ini.

juga orang itu, yang gw anggap sahabat baik.

gw bener2 lagi sedih, depressed, need someone to talk to,

but he seemed like he didn't care.

dari kemaren gw bertingkah aneh pun, kayanya dia ga sadar.

sampe saat ini, kayanya dia ga sadar.

gw nangis karena dia pun mungkin dia ga akan sadar.

mungkin gw ga bener2 butuh someone to talk to, because actually i don't really know what i'm about to say.

gw cuma butuh sandaran, seseorang untuk sekedar diajak berdiam dan merenung.

menenangkan hati.

maybe that's all.

tapi sayangnya, nobody's around.

nobody's care.

and nobody knows.

so, at last, i spent my time writing this blog post.

because i just don't know how to express my feelings.

i feel sad, sad, and sad.

i'm fed up with tears.

i'm fed up with everything.

forget it, dude

entah kenapa lagi, gw lagi lagi lagi ngerasa sendirian.

well, gw tau gw punya cukup teman untuk berbagi, untuk sekedar curhat atau ngobrol.

tapi gatau kenapa, gw tetep ngerasa sendirian.

dan ketika gw punya masalah,

atau cuma sekedar ingin menangis,

gw lebih milih untuk nyimpen itu sendiri.

karena gw gatau, sebenernya siapa yang harus gw ajak bicara.

waktu itu, gw nangis tanpa alasan. ada banyak hal yang ingin gw tangisi.

dan mungkin seorang gadis emang ada saatnya buat nangis dalam seminggu ato sebulan.

jadi semua yang gw pendem dan gw berusaha lupain, ato gw postpone supaya ga dipikirin dulu, udah numpuk sampe akhirnya gw nangis tanpa alasan. (atau mungkin karena udah terlalu banyak alasan)

gw (lagi lagi) sedih, karena gw ngerasa, di saat gw merasa bahwa gw lagi ada di puncak2 kesulitan hidup gw sepanjangn 17 tahun, kok orang yang gw percaya dan jadi sandaran gw malah pergi ninggalin gw.

gw selalu bertanya tanya kenapa dia harus pergi juga sebagai teman.

seakan2, sekarang gw adalah musuhnya.

padahal, gw merasa amat membutuhkan orang itu..

teman gw juga udah pada punya pacar masing2 kan..

udah ga semudah dulu lagi untuk mencari mereka dan curhat, atau nangis.

gw ngerasa serba susah aja. dan akhirnya harus nyimpen itu sendiri.

gw nyoba untuk melupakan, tapi toh ga bisa.

akhirnya gw balik lagi nangis di akhir minggu yang lain,

di saat gw ga lagi mikirin apa2..

aneh memang,

tapi itulah gadis haha

gw selalu iri sama temen2 gw yang sekarang punya pacar, ato mungkin gebetan.

karena hidup rasanya sepi banget tanpa orang2 itu..

rasanya bahagia banget, buat mereka..

tapi gw kembali lagi bertanya, kenapa itu ga terjadi pada gw?

well, gadis.

ga akan ada abisnya bertanya kenapa.

jadi, seperti biasa,

gw akan kembali melupakan.

today's reflection

beberapa bulan ini, gw jadi gadis yang aneh..
gadis yang beda, yang gw sendiri ga kenal..
gw sering nangis, sering ngelamun, sering bengong, sering mengeluh..
udah gitu jauh banget dari yang namanya berdoa.. 

entah mengapa, walaupun banyak banget orang-orang yang ada di deket gw, gw tetep ngerasa sendirian terus..

badan gw ada dimana, tapi kok gw ngerasa otak gw ga disitu.

gw jadi ngerasa hidup gw super berat, dimana gw ngerasa banyak pikiran, banyak masalah, tapi gw tetep harus ngerjain ini itu. gw bener2 sedih.. seakan gw ga punya tempat tersendiri untuk gw bisa meluapkan segala perasaan gw..

cuma, kalo dipikir2 lagi, gimana sama anak2 jalanan yang selain ga bisa sekolah, mereka harus cari kerja buat menuhin kebutuhan keluarga. apa ada waktu buat mereka buat mikirin perasaan mereka, ato sekedar jatuh cinta sama orang lain? ini membuat gw mikir ulang, untuk sekadar mengeluh tentang hidup gw. karena gw percaya, ada jutaan orang lain di luar sana yang jauh lebih menderita dari sekedar gw.

well, back to the topic..
gw ngerasa kosong, hampa.. otak dan hati gw ga merasakan apa2, ga mikirin apa2..
gw seakan ga punya tujuan hidup. apa yang gw jalanin adalah apa yang harus gw jalanin. gw ga mikir lebih dari itu. bagus sih, gw pikir. tapi kok rasa2nya, semua yang gw jalanin itu ga ada "passion" nya, dan ga berakhir dengan bagus.. dan rasanya kok, hidup ga ada gunanya tanpa passion..

udah dua mingguan gw ngerasa kaya gitu, dan gw ngerasa hidup gw stuck di situ2 aja. ga ada hal baru yang bisa gw ambil. dan rasa2nya, hal2 yang gw lakukan jadi percuma..
cuma gatau kenapa, susah banget buat gw beranjak dari kekosongan aka kehampaan itu..
gw pikir, kemaren, gw udah kembali ke gadis yang normal. 
tapi setelah gw sadari, gw masih gadis yang abnormal. aneh.

mau ga mau, gw kayanya harus mengakui. yang namanya patah hati bisa membuat orang jadi tawar hati. bukannya mau lebay ato gimana, tapi serius deh..
semenjak kapan sih gw jadi kaya gini? kehilangan prinsip, ide, dan  aura seorang gadis? sejak kapan? gw jadi bukan diri sendiri lagi? sejak kapan?

gw juga sebenernya ga mau mengakui ini kalo gw bisa, tapi kayanya gw harus menghadapi kenyataan bahwa gw belom bisa recovered 100% dari seluruh patah hati itu. gw mencoba untuk terlihat tegar di hadapan orang lain, terlihat kuat dan ga kenapa2.. padahal jauh di dalam hati gw, gw menyimpan luka yang begitu dalam, yang sebenarnya membuat gw menarik diri dari segala hal.

gw menarik diri dari pertemanan, dari persahabatan, dari sekolah, dari keluarga, gw ngerasa terus menerus sendirian karena sebenernya gw yang menarik diri, gw sadar akan hal itu..
tapi gw juga gatau kenapa rasanya sulit banget untuk kembali membuka diri, dan lebih tepatnya membuka hati dan pikiran gw yang selama ini gw biarkan terbelenggu oleh satu orang aja.

gw gatau, apa penyakit2 yang dateng ke gw itu dateng karena gw kebanyakan berpikiran negatif, ato karena hal lain. dulu nyokap gw pernah bilang.. katanya pikiran itu bisa mempengaruhi sel2 dalam badan juga. ketika hati kita nyimpen sakit hati ato dendam, itu akan mempengaruhi sel2 tubuh, yang akhirnya bikin badan kita jadi kehilangan kekebalannya.. well, gw gatau sih bener ato ga..

hari ini, gw ngerasa sakit yang luar biasa. gw nonton video "teman2 jovi" buat jovi yang ulang taun beberapa minggu lalu. terakhir gw liat sosok "seseorang"-you know who-
ngeliat itu, gw nangis lagi. dan alesannya sama persis ketika gw nangis di ulang taun jovi  pas jovi nyanyi.
1 sih terharu ngeliat jovi dan pacarnya yang begitu tulus itu
2 mereka kayanya super sayang dimabuk asmara gitu kan..
3 gw kembali mempertanyakan keadaan, yang kayanya kok ga adil banget sama gw.. kenapa dan kenapa dan kenapa gw harus ngalamin kejadian kaya gini, ditinggalin orang yang bener2 gw sayang, dan yang (gw rasa) sayang banget sama gw sebelumnya, cuma dalam hitungan bulan..
rasanya sakit banget. sakit. sakit.
dan yang membuat gw ngerasa lebih sakit lagi adalah, gw belum bisa sepenuhnya melalui tahap sakit2an itu. sekarang bukan badan gw doang yang sakit2an. tapi hati gw juga.

rasanya, susah banget buat beranjak dari fase itu, untuk kembali jadi gadis yang dulu. 
yang prinsipil, kuat, dan ceria. gw sekarang lebih banyak diem, ngelamun, nangis, dan bermuram durja.
semakin gw berusaha meninggalkan, seakan gw semakin inget sama orang yang sama. semakin gw ga rela buat melupakan segalanya.
gw cuma ga bisa terima. gw ga terima. kenapa semuanya harus terjadi ke gw? kenapa ini terjadi, ketika gw udah mulai bisa belajar untuk membuka diri dan hati gw buat orang lain? ini semua terjadi dengan cepat, ya kan? siapa yang bisa memprediksi semuanya terjadi sekilat ini?
mungkin itu bagian yang paling ga bisa gw terima.
dan yang anehnya lagi, kenapa gw ga bisa membenci orang yang udah membuat gw sakit kaya gini? yang ada, malah gw tambah jatuh buat dia. perasaan gw malah semakin ga karuan dan ga bisa ditahan.
itu yang membuat gw ga bisa terima.
itu yang bikin gw nangis, lagi dan lagi.

dari dulu, gw cuma pengen berubah. gw pengen ada satu hari buat gw menangisi semua kejadian yang udah lewat, gw bisa memeluk seseorang yang gw percaya bisa menghibur gw,

dan boom,
gw berubah.

gw bisa kembali lagi jadi gadis yang dulu. 
jadi gadis yang ga mudah diperdaya cinta.
jadi gadis yang ga tolol kaya gini.
ga melankolis dan berlarut2 kaya gini.

bahkan disaat gw sendirian, gw masih berharap, orang itu yang menghibur gw..

well well well

ga nyangka ya.. semua udah berubah..
semua orang kaya udah nemuin soulmatenya gitu
punya pacar masing2 dan punya cara masing2 untuk keep in touch sama pacarnya itu..
ga nyangka banget... bahkan orang yang pikir ga berpengalaman dalam pacaran,
sekarang udah nemuin orang yang bener2 dia sayang, dan terus punya cara sendiri untuk tetep dekat sama pacarnya yang jauh di negeri orang gitu..
hebat banget.
gw harap, it also occurs to me.
well, nothing's wrong about hoping rite?

thank you friends

these days, i was totally messed up. for the entire week, i spent my days with crying.
but what's worth and overwhelming is that the situation ended.
i spoke to my BF. and i just hope everything would be better.
and another thing that makes me relieved,
all my friends are supporting me..
my junior, my friend at school, my friend in bandung :), my best friend,
everyone.
sorry not to mention all of your names, because it would be too many :)
so, ya
thank you very much for everyone!
you have comforted me with your words.
you know who you are.

smooch.

yaaaaay!

it feels so good to be back in BINUS!
yay!
it's been a year.
everything went different.
people change.
i change.
my team changes.
many things have changed.
but my feelings remain.
i love binus, the atmosfer, the people, the LOs, the commitee
eventhough i found some changes
but i still love them.
much.

especially yandi and okky.
i miss them like crazy!
and seeing yandi's performance today, i felt so damn happy to be there.
ever again.
and having them around in the debate room.
ooh
it's just great feelings i can't ever explain.

i don't wanna miss any single chance.
to be there.
no. i won't.

why do i love you guys this much?
haha well, it's simply weird, rite?
hell i wouldn't know if you guys think the same.
i don't really care.

i just want to say.
i really love you.
both.
both of you.
thank you. for being there.
for encouraging us.
for being whatever you are.
for being you.
for being loved.
thank you, yandi and okky :)

i'm gonna miss you both soon

please

you know, i never expect any surprise from him just like anybody did.
that would be a too much expectations, since he's not that type of BF.
these days, taste like hell. honestly.
i can't stop thinking about him. like argh.
when i was alone, nobody's around. i want to cry.
i feel so dissapointed with the current condition.
and what i want is like everything goes normal.
normal.
it would be too much too, if i hope that he would go back like long before.
i just want him to be like, care. normally care?
i don't know. care or more understanding.
or just realize what is really happening.
how i felt. and so on.
that's all.
please?

I never knew perfection
'tillI heard you speak,
and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things

Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You're scared and that you think that I'm insane

The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there
it disappears It disappears

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break

So you're sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold,
but that's alright

Life these days is getting rough
They've knocked you down and beat you up
But it's just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break, baby

help me please

hari ini gw pergi sama katherine, ke pameran foto di antara. Makkah Final Destination. Lumayan lah, not too good, not too bad..
pulang dari sana kita ke pasar baru, terus ke gramed liat2 buku, terus pulang. katherine pulang naik bus, gw naik busway.
di sepanjang perjalanan i can't keep my head off thinking about someone, i believe you know who.
i'm in total confused now. off balance.
i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know what i'm doing this for.
argh.
i feel lonely. tremendously alone.
i kept thinking about someone.
someone i can rely on. someone i can lean on, depend on.
share my life with.
but he is missing now.

i'm totally alone.
i tried to feel his heart next to me, but i feel he has flown too far, to a place i can't even reach.

my heart was crying. loud. but no one could never hear.
it was deeply hurted.

but still, i don't know what i could do with this.
survive? or leave it now?
to be honest, i don't wanna quit.
if i could, i will struggle, and fight for this. but i will still need my pride.

argh.
argh.
argh.
argh.
argh.

me and my plan

Well, talking about plan, it could be divided into two kinds of mood, good and bad. Good if we already have a plan for our future, and bad if we’re still hesitate about what plan to make. Thank God, I have planned my own future. And I hope it will work.

So, I have taken a test that showed me what faculty I should take after I graduate from high school. It is stated that I should taken International Relationship as my first choice, and the second would be Management. And the third that was being recommended is Communication.

You know, at first I never thought that it would affect my consideration for picking faculties. At all. I forgot that I have taken that aptitude and interest test, and I was looking for those faculties by asking people, what it is that fit me best, and yeah.. I found it when I was learning about management at school. I firstly thought that, wow, I love it. This is my dream (well my dream is to be an event organizer, but I consider to find any faculty but business, because I think business could be learned through experience and even a book, so there’s no need to take it as an undergraduate program). Back to business, so I think by learning management, I could manage my organizer one day in the future. (I also have heard that in UI, you can learn how to manage your organization by running a real events! What a fun activity it would be!)

In the other hand, people urge me to take International Relationship as a subject besides Communication, which is my first priority. Initially, I was thinking IR would be fun. But some people said, it is hard for me as a Chinese descendants, to work in a diplomatic field. So I was looking to another subject. And then I found Communication which is exciting to do (at least in my opinion). All of sudden, I was surprised, that all of subject I am going to take is what is it as the result of the test.

When I asked my mom I am going to choose Management and Communication, she said, ”You are not suitable to work behind a desk and just keep silence. You are a talkative person and you won’t handle that situation, babe.” She advice me to choose IR and Communication so I could improve my communication skill while studying more in english.

My mom knows me since I was a lil kid. So I think there’s nothing more reliable than trusting her, right? And in addition to that, some of my friends think that those two subject would be more proper for me.

And know I have decided. I would take International Relationship and Communication, and I hope I could enter University of Indonesia for this. I believe, they could provide a good education for me, and affordable price of course. ( I should think about my lil brother that still have a long journey through his education as well, and it will need a big amount of money).

But I still have another choice, which is APU in Japan. This is a bit dilematic for me. I want the scholarship so bad, but I don’t know whether I want to go or not. I want to be independent, leave dependence, try to struggle on my own feet. But if I think all over again, several people say, it is to build connection if you spend your very first four years in university here, in Indonesia, your very own country. And honestly, I’m not willing to leave anyone I have right now.

Okay, so I need to think about it a lil bit more. So I can choose and have my decision in the right time.

For certain, now I need to study well, having a great score at school, graduate, and striving for stepping into university.

I just want to tell you about my long term plan. Well, it is to marry soon J (and have a happy family), but before that, of course I want to have a lovely job that I can enjoy with, having millions of dollars, go traveling throughout the world, help poor people, making progress in education, and definitely serving + developing this nation. I want to help as many as I can, so that we can all live in peace and sufficient condition (so there’s no more have to suffer and live in stupidity).

Nevertheless, I will always remember to dedicate my success for my parents, family, friends, and the most important, GOD.

hectic moments

what a hectic moments i have to face right now.

today is the last day for us to see miss kara. yes, she did move out.
so we decided to take a photograph with her.
she said, she was lonely having her day at our community. and bla bla bla she tried to explain it to us.. poor her. she will move in to SPH at lippo karawaci. argh!
we're gonna miss you, miss! we will miss your beautiful eyes, and your wonderful outfit, and also your creative activity. we love you, ya know! but, it is up to you, wherever you wanna go to. we just hope that you're gonna find your missing soul there, and have a better future of course.
we did say goodbye. some of us were drowning in tears. well, thankfully i didn't.
i'm sure i will cry next week, so there's no need to cry a lot now.

and what's so burdening for next weekend are :
1. a lot of tests : math, geography, kapita selekta, religiosity, accountancy, and so on
2. a lot of tasks : i can't even mention
3. bu nita is moving out too :(

and what i need to do this weekend :
1. karya tulis!
2. karangan buat lomba mengarang

argh!

belom lagi besok ulangan jerman. and i haven't even touched the book!

gw tau banget nih, ini pasti akan berakhir dengan gw ketiduran. chatting doang, terus ngantuk. dan akhirnya ga ngapa2in!


argh! and i am totally confused with tomorrow's schedule!
it's killing me now
argh
argh
argh
argh

can somebody help me please?

thank you for healing me

thank God, i still have my bestest friend, jerry.

gw emang selalu moody-an..
nothing's weird happened today, tapi ada yang membuat gw jadi bad mood ga karuan..
malah sore2 pas gw udah sampe rumah, gw kepengen banget nangis..
aneh ya?

haha itulah gw.. selalu pengen nangis tapi ga punya alasan..
sesak banget rasanya..
alhasil gw jadi ngelamun-ngelamun ga jelas..

but thank God once again, karena i still have him to take a load off mind.
he was trying to comfort me.
and it worked!

gw bisa ketawa lagi gitu sekarang..
sesak yang dari hati pindah ke perut juga udah ilang.
semua akibat jokes jokes dan lagu-lagu yang lo mainkan..
walaupun gw tetap ga tahu apa yang membuat hati gw merasa terbeban tadi
gw udah ga peduli. yang penting sekarang gw bisa bergembira lagi.. hehe
jangan lupa janji kita bikin y*****e


ice cream and besties are the best for curing broken heart :)




*jer, thank you so much for being there everytime i need you!
thank you so much for getting the bad feelings rid out of me
I feel more relieved now..

thank you..

odha

hari ini gw baru ngerasain banget 'deep lost' kehilangan odha.
aneh memang.. gw juga gatau kenapa kemaren gw ga nangis sama sekali.
hari ini gw baru ngerasa sesak dan pengen nangis.
dari pagi gw ga bisa tidur, rasanya pengen nangiiis terus..

sekarang gw bisa ngerasain gimana rio. gw bisa berpikir betapa ga enaknya ditinggal jauh jauh sama orang yang kita sayang banget.. soalnya gw juga sedih banget sekarang..

i know we've just got closer recently (about a year and a half) but i think there's plenty of things we've shared. plenty.

thanks ya od, udah pernah jadi temen gw di sekolah yang sucks ini. at least, kita bisa berbagi both masa2 buruk dan indah selama high school..

gw sadar banget kalo udah ga ada lagi orang-orang yang suka diajak bergosip seperti kita bergosip.
ga ada lagi 'phone a friend' kalo gw lagi kalap belanja dan harus memilih..
ga ada lagi itc kun mate, mix max mate, piscok+kue bantal mate, gosipping mate, murah tapi banyak mate, obrolan tante2 kaya mate, debate mate, nebeng mate, cinta karol mate, bitch mate, parties mate, wannaB mate, and other mates..

sori ya kalo kemaren gw ga nangis.
soalnya gw emang ga mau bersedih-sedih sebenernya,
yah, lo tau lah gw cengennya kaya apa..
kalo gw nangis kemaren, pasti banjir banget..
suasana jadi ga seru kaaan..

bukannya gw ga sayang lo loh dha.. gw sayaaaaaaang banget sama lo..
gw kehilangan lo banget sekarang..

gw sih berharap banget kita masih bisa terus keep in touch, keep contact.
but if that doesn't happen, that's okay..
i know lo bakal ketemu more and more people in a bigger place out there..
you will make friends, besties, BF, BFF, and so on..

but thank you for everything..
thank you very much, for making it a lot easier to be passed through..

sorry ya gw ga sempet nyanyiin esok kan masih ada buat lo, seperti yang gw rencanakan sebelumnya. banyak banget sebenernya yang gw rencanakan buat lo (bahkan dari setaun yang lalu).. tapi ya gitu.. sori banget..

gw berharap suatu hari nanti bisa masukin itu ke youtube hehe (10 years in the future mungkin hehe)


I'm gonna miss you dha. A LOT!



07.08.08

an oldtime story ; belajar merelakan

Ternyata, semakin dewasanya seseorang, ga cuma dewasa di fisik sama pikiran doang loh. Hehehehe, gw telat yah sadarnya?

Dewasa juga berarti dewasa bertindak, dewasa berbicara, dewasa mengambil keputusan, dewasa memaafkan, dan ada juga dewasa merelakan. Bukan berarti ketika usia kita bertambah, mengarah ke arah dewasa, lama kelamaan pasti semua bakal dewasa dengan sendirinya. Belom tentu. Kadang kita ga pernah kepikiran lagi, buat mendewasakan diri dalam memaafkan atau merelakan.

Hari ini gw belajar gimana merelakan sesuatu yang gw suka, gw adore, gw geluti, untuk gw lepas pergi. Sama seperti kalian (mungkin), gw gatau apa itu dewasa dalam hal merelakan. Gw juga baru tau hal ini, hari ini. After something happened to my life. And I just realized, that I need willingly, let it happened.

Jadi dengan umur gw yang udah 16 ini, ternyata gw belom cukup dewasa untuk belajar merelakan. Gw juga belom cukup dewasa untuk tegas sama keputusan yang gw ambil. Memang , hari ini gw bener bener belajar buat prinsipil, memegang prinsip yang emang dari sananya gw pilih. Tapi tenyata oh ternyata, gw masih mudah terombang ambing kalo mau ngambil keputusan.

Well, gw ga mau lagi itu terjadi. I will prevent that to happen.

Belajar merelakan, memaafkan, itu ga pernah gampang. Dan hari ini gw belajar. Untuk jadi dewasa, bukan cuma di segi fisik dan pikiran doang. Many things, we should be mature in them.

Jujur aja, hidup gw bakal berubah sejak hari ini. Di mana gw belajar merelakan untuk meninggalkan sesuatu, di mana gw selama ini ada di dalamnya. Perasaan gw ga karuan. Tapi, one of my friends said that this is the right time.

To change.

To get a turning point of my life.

And taste a new flavour of life.

This time, would be really hard for me. Tapi gw punya Tuhan, gw punya sahabat, gw punya teman teman, gw punya orang tua dan keluarga, and I believe they’ll support me in the way I do (and if its right of course)

This time, everything would go differently. Total different. Dan gw harus terbiasa sama semua itu. Gw harap, gw selalu tau apa yang akan dan harus gw lakukan di masa depan.

Friends, thanks for all your help J I really mean it so much.

To my friend gratia,

Honey, thanks for the way you made me realize. Thanks for the way you understand me, even in the hard time of life. Thanks. ILU.

To my friend, yandi,

Hey, I know maybe you wouldn’t realize, what you did to me. But I just wanna say thanks, for making me realize, that I can do it. and I am able to do it. the only problem is FEAR,which I cant go over it.

To my friend, fanka,

Also thanks to you, for teaching me that I have to move on with my life. Challenge a new fortune. And that I am a futuristic person. It means a lot today. Sorry for making you late seeing them.

To my friend tisa,

Tisa, you would never know how speechless I am to say thanks to you. You did every single thing in my life, and its completely perfect! I love you so damn much. Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you for guiding me everytime I need.

To my sister, putri,

Well maybe you have never appreciated me. Or you never counted on me. But I wanna thank you, for being my sister. For being a guidance. A guide. A sister. Thanks a lot.

To my mom,

Mom, I know maybe you’re disappointed with my choice. But this time, I need to be me. To be who am i. and I believe, you’ll trust me on this.

Friends that I have mentioned, are all of my friends that helped me especially yesterday, accompanied me through difficulties I’ve yesterday.

It doesn’t mean, that you I haven’t mentioned, didn’t mean everything to me.

You are everything to me.

Thanks for everything.

Thank you very much.

You have made my life such a wonderful live to be fit in J

Friends, thanks for your understanding. It makes me feel appreciated. And right as well.

me and my favourite things

aku suka bicara. ya, hobiku memang bicara. aku tak bisa berhenti bicara sejak kecil. ibuku saja pusing mendengarkan aku. belum lagi keluargaku yang lain. tak hanya itu, tetangga-tetangga yang kukenal juga sudah lelah mendengarkan aku yang tak berhenti bicara ini.

lebih dari bicara, aku suka berbincang. aku amat senang bertemu orang baru setiap harinya, kemudian berbincang dengan mereka. aku selalu ingin mengetahui hal-hal baru yang menantang, yang tak pernah kukenal sebelumnya. ketika aku bertemu dengan orang baru, aku tak bisa berhenti bertanya. bertanya mengenai dirinya, atau apapun saja yang ingin aku tanyakan.

kadang, aku malah bertanya sesuatu yang amat aneh untuk diperbincangkan dengan orang yang baru saja dikenal. seperti contohnya,
"clar, kalo udah gede lo pengen jadi apa?"
atau
"lo percaya karma?"
atau
"buat lo, mendingan hidup untuk kerja, atau kerja untuk hidup?"

bagiku, semua orang adalah narasumber yang harus diwawancara. aku selalu haus untuk mengetahuin apa isi pikiran mereka. apa keinginan mereka. apa cita-cita mereka. jika aku diberi kekuatan untuk melakukan apapun, mungkin aku ingin tahu apa isi dari pikiran semua orang.. (selain menciptakan kedamaian dan kebahagiaan di bumi :)

mungkin orang menganggap aku dan hobiku itu aneh.. ya, biarlah, itu aspirasi mereka. biarlah aku dan aspirasiku terbang jauh mengangkasa di pikiranku.

kebiasaanku yang lain adalah, cuci tangan. karena tangan adalah sumber kuman, jadi aku selalu membiasakan diriku untuk cuci tangan sesering mungkin :) dengan begitu, aku merasa bersih setiap saat.

dan kebiasaanku yang lain lagi adalah membuat riset. riset kecil-kecilan yang ditujukan untuk teman-teman sekelasku. riset tentang apa saja, politik, ekonomi, budaya, filosofi, cinta, metafisika atau apapun yang menyenangkan, yang menurutku layak dipertanyakan..

aku juga suka menulis. bagiku, menulis adalah menyalurkan pikiran. karena kadang-kadang, aku tak bisa mengandalkan mulutku untuk berbicara. banyak hal dalam hidupku, yang lebih mudah diungkapkan dalam tulisan. apalagi ketika aku tak punya siapa-siapa untuk bercerita, tapi dadaku rasanya amat sesak untuk menampung emosi. menulis, adalah jalan yang amat baik untuk mencurahkan isi hati..

aku suka melihat lukisan dan foto.. di dalamnya tersimpan karya seni yang indah luar biasa. menyimpan makna dalam setiap guratan. belum lagi teknik indah dalam pembuatannya. lukisan dan foto juga bisa menjadi curahan hati sebagian orang. di dalamnya, kita bisa menyampaikan pesan kepada orang lain.. lukisan dan foto yang indah, juga dapat membangkitkan semangat orang lain.. what a great things!

aku suka mendengarkan musik. it's entertaining, especially in the times of trouble. it helps me much! musik, adalah salah satu hal yang membuat hidup ini jadi berwarna.. aku suka berbagi cerita dengan orang lain.. berbagi pikiran dengan orang lain membuatku bisa melihat dunia dengan lebih jelas. dengan lebih terperinci. dengan lebih adil. dan 'dengan-dengan' yang lainnya.. itu semua adalah caraku untuk menikmati dunia..