Do you know how much I am worried about you?

And lame at the same time..

Whenever you feel like you have nothing else to live for, step back and look at how others live their life. Today when I heard about what happened to other people near me, how much struggle they needed to go through, I felt stricken by a tsunami. 

I am just a spoiled brat, complaining about how my life has been so tough because one relationship that crushes not only my feeling but also inner self, but I know nothing about the real struggle in life. 

I am such an ungrateful little creature. So weak and super lame. Life has been really tough for others -imagining myself in their situation, I don't know where else to go but to kill myself. 

Their situation is worth suicide for. It is 10,000 times harder than mine. And I acted like I am the only victim that deserves to give up. What an embarassment.

Weak

I am frustrated, to be very honest. It is so easy for you to say things, promise someone something, but to actually walk the talk, I barely survive. 

The thought of suicide flashes over in my head, again and again. I just wish to sleep and never wake up. Suffocating. Found myself crying in the corner try to absorb everything. 

Why has this been so hard? And it will only be harder. Why am I so weak?

Opened

If I could summarize what happened to me recently: I woke up –opened my eyes and saw the reality. As harsh as it might be, it had beaten me: I have been very naïve this whole time. Perhaps it is a common thing for a college graduate to feel, but honestly, I was quite shocked when I found that the world is far from being kind, just and fair to people. The kind of people this world celebrates is not as what I imagined before. In fact, it is nowhere near what I have imagined during my college year.

I thought I have had this reality check before, when I realized that “to go to heaven, you don’t necessarily need to be a nurse”. Meaning that if you want to create an impact in this world, there are plenty of ways to do it. Immersing yourself in a commercial institution does not always mean “bad” and “filthy”.

Apparently, that is not the only thing. Reality check comes frequently, not just once. In fact, I just found out how this world is full of terrible people –it does not know any gender, race, socio economic background, education background whatsoever, I just have been living in a cage. This world is full of terrible, terrible people who snap at others, who are impolite, who are sarcastic, who are full of themselves and have no sympathy towards other people. I don’t even know if they care about any other people but themselves.

It is such a shame, that being kindhearted does not bring us anywhere. It brings us to a limbo, you hardly trust what is happening surround you because you just cannot accept the fact that people could do horrible things to others, especially when they get in their ways. Surprising, huh? You think you can depend on certain brands, you will find good people in certain organizations/community; you might want to think again. Because that is simply not true.

The world, or maybe only the commercial world (and I am afraid that everything in this world is now driven by money) only appreciates results. The world is turning into a result-orientation machine where people care less about the process and want to cut the chase only to get the result they want. And for that, people dare to kill, to be able to get anywhere they want. It is damn scary.

Am I being to paranoid? I am afraid not. I am just hoping that it gets better over time. 

Fall Into My Love

Just spent wonderful quality time over the short-long break :)

Bosan

Writing can be so boring. I even find it a daunting task. However badly I want to be a food blogger, or an author, I just can't apply the discipline of writing -despite the rewarding feeing afterwards. Watching movies almost every time works better than blogging, sadly. And so I get caught up in the passive behavior instead of a more stimulating one. 

Up to one extent that I simply can't take it anymore. My head is too full, questioning a lot of things. Those questions seemed to crash one another inside the brain, waiting to be answered, or at least cared. 

Life is a simply complicated. There are not much changes. As much as people want to change, they stay the same. I stay the same, with more or less the same complication. I just knew that I got my reality check, most of the times in both "panggilan hidup" and "pasangan hidup". Life threw me to a different world, the one that I have never imagined before. 

It is hard, but it is also easy. It is just full of contradiction. You want to be thankful, yet things get tough many times. You want to make impact at work, but the situation is quite toxic you know you'll get affected. You want to be rational, but you can't help being too emotional. And so on and the opposite. 

So you get confused most of the times. And I am not sure if that is a good sign, or a bad sign. There are just way too many things you want to achieve but you need to face the ugly truth that it is not happening. You want to be extraordinary, but you like the ordinary. 

Or maybe it is the humane part of life, or of human. Human just don't change. Human just like to stay comfortable. 

Or it may not. 

I am seriously not sure. I get even more confused the more I write.