The One

Career is such a confusing path. And it is greatly similar to romance. Am not so sure what happened lately, I guess I have been trying to take it easy but I just can’t (as usual), I am faced with such great dilemma on whether to further go on this journey. It feels somehow so dreadful and I am so torn.

You have no idea how someone can be very much consumed with hatred. And that is seriously dangerous for your health (and for your partner). We should have had celebrated the "day" of the year, yet I ruined it with such a deeply rooted hatred for someone I don't need to care about. 

It's so last decade, I know, I just need to learn to be able to separate my personal life from the professional, and not too drag a feeling to other different 'branch' of life. Again, it's always harder to do, okay? Am not trying to be defensive here….

Life is hard, indeed. You can't always do what you want (in fact today I am so desperate for being flat broke and having to count my savings just to order a nice food at the restaurant after a mood-ruiner session at work). 

And having to learn that skill I mentioned before is as important as develop greatly in professional setting. That, in fact, IS the professional skill to master. Because the rest, like public speaking or event organizing, is so much easier to acquire than that one. 

As always, I am left confused. I just need the one. 

Loving you beyond words, yet hopelessness crawls in everytime. Help me out.

Happy Valentine's Day.

The cheesier it gets, the more loss you feel when you miss the celebration. Ugly truth, it is.

Past

I found all letters from my past when I was cleaning up my stuff. Funny what he said as he left without saying anything. Gone-gone. I can still recall the days he handed these to me. Oh, it's pitiful how man can be super unreliable.

Guess it's not a secret, huh?

Oh, and there's another from another.

Time to say goodbye.

And my world is full with you...

The thing I appreciate the most is how he would try his best to juggle time, so there's always tiny portion he dedicates for me in his busiest day.

And he dried my hair too, on the most tiring day.

Happy early Valentine's Day, my dear.

Today's Heroes

Giving thanks is typically easy, but to mean it with your heart is relatively harder. We are so used to taking things for granted we sometimes forget to count our blessings. 

Today, however, I can't just forget how fortunate I have been as an individual. It's almost like a back-to-back fortune I received throughout the day: getting a cab (which perhaps was given out of a pity by the cab driver) when I was supposed to wait for another 20 customers in order to get my turn; caught the movie he had planned to watch today; and got another cab (at almost midnight) which fortunately dropped someone in the middle of heavy rain with long queue. 

For sure, that excludes the great holiday we just spent together; the great food we ate this morning, the on-time flight which provided us safety ride to Jakarta and the details go on. 

You had no idea how dreadful the traffic was in Jakarta today, at least not from the airport (it has been raining since last night, it has not stopped, not till now -yes it is still raining). The taxi drivers were definitely among the heroes for sustaining 2,5 hours taking us to Kemang with the kind of jam they were facing (not counting the journey before meeting us). 

I am one of the luckiest people on earth, I could tell you. I just need to count my blessings when things look tough. 

You are surely my superhero. 

And God, you're without doubt, majestic. 

Thank You.

Contradictory

Feeling envious when seeing my friends who have started their family (read: get married and have kids), I am also torn in my own jungle of thoughts as a result of too many movies and readings. 

Human are just too fluid. They change all the time, you hardly can depend on them. I saw/heard/read too many affairs ruined marriage, disheartening moments ruined feelings or a simply parenting gone bad. 

It's just so discouraging to see that. Definitely, it has torn my ideals on marriage and family apart. I am just not sure if I can keep up, and be the loyal wife and mom as expected. Even I am scared, as there are too many variables in life that you barely control. You can say that you're committed today, but things can change in a blink of an eye, no matter how hard you resist.

So yes, it's scary -not knowing if you would always stay committed or if your partner would. 

Gosh, where's the exit door?