Sesederhana melipat kaki ketika makan dengan santai. Atau berkumur ketika minum. Atau berpakaian santai dan senada kala menikmati liburan. Hal-hal yang tidak kamu sadari, tetapi membekas di hati.

Okay, sometimes I just wish we have 'real' quality time during weekdays.

New Energy

Am truly thankful for the people who really, really cared. People who spent hours just to listen and respond. Seriously, it’s an indescribable feeling. Today felt so different. Even though I haven’t decided what I am going to do next, I felt so energized. I know I’ll be fine, whatever option I choose at the end, I’ll be okay. Because the person matters; although everything else matters, the person matters most.

And I open up my heart, to be ashamed, to feel embarrassed. To try, than not to try at all. Who cares? What’s the worst thing that could happen? I am a proud lady. I guess I need to spank myself some more, huh?

Amazed. Again. Seriously, how can I be more thankful? These people, they really see the good things in me. And I? I looked down to myself. They are pretty certain that I'll end up just fine. Except the fact that Brian said 'being indecisive' is actually my style (how offensive).

So what's more to worry about? Haha, actually plenty. These options are real. They are going to turn my life upside down if I am not careful. 

But I am happy. Beyond words. I hope I could just share this with you. Have fun, there.

Sweet Getaway

When little things hurt.

Coincidence?

Unlike any popular belief about me out there, I feel amazing about my life. It’s not perfect, nothing ever is, but I feel so thankful to have such an awesome boyfriend, with a nice career and great options lining up. I am happy that I live independently but still am in touch closely with my family. I feel fat, yet wonderful and comfortable (most of the times).

Yes, it’s true that there are plenty of things I haven’t been able to do or cannot do, like running and yoga lately, but hey, there are more things to be grateful for. So yes, I am quite satisfied with my life, even to the fact that I feel super “galau” about my next career path. Thankfully, that “galau” part is more to the fact that I have plenty of options. Great options, to be very specific. Options that allow me to really make impact, through different ways and methods. But if my life is all about making impact, then which one shall I choose? What are the rest of the priorities that will help me determine the rest of my career life?

This is why I have been so unsettled. This “kegalauan” is so discomforting. I don’t sleep much at night, I feel uneasy, I barely concentrate at work. Everything was all about choice, trade off, decision. And it’s never an easy decision to make.

Once, I mentioned how I don’t believe in coincidence. It took me so long to finally decide that I want to leave my current position, but I have never been clear to my boss and say that I want to leave. I still weigh all options till the very end, and quite frankly, I don’t see the end, yet.

Today I refused to go to work because I didn’t feel so good earlier. However, I concluded that it might be due to my angst, instead of virus. I took the day off and spent time reading this mind-blowing book from Clayton Christensen called “How will you measure your life?”

And so he mentioned this motivation to go to work, something that really drove me to satisfaction, something that will keep me excited even in tough situation. Perhaps, to my limited knowledge, I began to think about what I am doing today. I thought there’s where my passions really lay.

And so I met Ghufron, a thought-partner of mine, who shared his view about what I should be doing, which is what I am already doing. And now here I am, getting so irritated by all of my thoughts (as the consequences of talking to too many people and too many reflection and deliberation). I can’t even enjoy the book despite my eagerness to finish it before midnight.

Is it coincidence? The fact that I should have had a conversation with my boss this noon about my final decision to move out – but I did not because I called in sick? The fact that during my resting period I decided to read Clayton’s book and met Ghufron afterwards? The fact that Ghufron handed me the book yesterday?

I am getting more and more and more confused, each and every day. Maybe I should do it the way MBA students did it. Make a spreadsheet, and then decide.

Again, it’s a good stress, after all. I am glad that I do have options. Great options, to be more precise. So I just need some more time to think through. Hopefully, I’ll make the right decision. Because I am quite sure I did with my choice of life partner (at least for now).

Segala Sesuatu di Bawah Langit Ada Waktunya

Tema renungan hari ini : 'Segala sesuatu di bawah langit ada waktunya.'

Saya selalu terhibur dengan sebuah perikop di Kitab Pengkotbah tersebut. Bahwa segala sesuai di bawah langit punya masanya sendiri-sendiri.

Saya selalu jadi anak generasi Y yang seringkali memaksakan kehendak, tidak sabar menginginkan sesuatu. Saya adalah contoh berhasilnya 'direct gratification' dalam mempengaruhi perilaku seseorang. 

Keinginan untuk meraih kesuksesan dalam waktu instan, seringkali membutakan kita dalam mengambil keputusan. Keinginan untuk hidup nyaman, dengan keadaan cukup uang, cukup makan, cukup tidur dan cukup teman; tak kadang menjerumuskan kita dalam sebuah hidup yang tak karuan. 

Kita menjadi tidak sabar untuk menunggu hasil pekerjaan. Kita melupakan upaya keras orang-orang yang berada di puncak kekuasaan hari ini. Yang kita lihat adalah contoh-contoh kesuksesan instan, tanpa mengabaikan kegagalan yang dilalui seseorang.

Kita kemudian ingin, jika kita berusaha hari ini, kita mendapatkan hasilnya hari ini. Padahal tidak begitu dunia bekerja. Segala sesuatu di bawah langit ada waktunya. Bahwa kita harus melalui proses panjang guna mendapatkan sesuatu yang pantas. Kita perlu bekerja keras dan mati-matian demi meraih kejayaan. 

Saat-saat ini adalah saat kita mengalah pada proses. Saat ini adalah saat yang genting untuk bersabar melihat hasil. Saat ini adalah saat yang tepat untuk berkorban. Saat ini adalah saat di mana kita perlu berjuang keras tanpa henti, demi masa depan yang lebih baik.

Belum saatnya kita meneriakkan ketidakadilan. Belum saatnya kita meneriakkan ketidaknyamanan, atau ketidakpuasan. Semuanya akan terbayarkan, asal kita terus berusaha dan tidak kenal lelah. Segala sesuatu di baah langit ada waktunya.

Dan ini adalah waktunya bekerja. Bukan waktu memanen apa yang belum kita tanam dan rawat dengan baik.

Magic

You may have no idea how much progress I am having since you are around. Listen, you brought the best in someone, you should know that.

Yes, I do have some more wishes for you to fulfill, but I am happy and that's all that matters. I am thankful beyond words. You are the magic.

Sometimes I just wish you'll stay much longer. Maybe my sanity kills yours.

In My Life

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends

I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

Why Does It Matter?

Same question, here. Why does it matter? Why does word matter? As short and simple as "love", why does it matter? Why aren't we satisfied with actions, when it speaks louder than just a simple word as love? Why do we need to hear that love to be complete? Why do we need to hear it just to reconfirm? Why is action not enough?

Honestly, I don't know. I can feel it. I know exactly how he feels towards me, well perhaps not exactly, but I can see it and I can feel it. Still, I want certainty, the kind of certainty that perhaps only I need. The brutal one. The ignorant one. 

I want to be certain. I want to be sure. I don't want to guess. Selfish.

Not Yet

I will be lying if I never think about marriage. No, this is not about me wanting to get married. That, all of my buddies know how badly I wanted to get married since I was still in high school. This is something different. This is me thinking of 'us' getting married. Yes, in just such short period of time. I just know him perhaps 6 months ago? And yes, we  got together just recently.

Yes, it's too early to tell. But I know for sure I don't date for fun. I never did. I am just so happy with what I have right now. I am happy with him being so tolerant, being so clever yet humble, being so helpful and fun, being so gentle and mature.

Yes, the 'L' word never came out of his mouth. Yes, he sometimes is too rational and insensitive. But I am blown away by his genuineness and sincerity. S, I am a big fan of yours. 

Tell me how to ask for more? I just wish that it will last.. Hopefully.....f.......?

Kadang Kadang oh Kadang Kadang

Pengen ya bilang kadang-kadang. Kadang emang gue kerjaannya cuma ngepoin Facebook orang sih. Gatau ya, yang dikepoin sadar atau ga. Tapi udah berkali-kali gue bilang ke anaknya kalo kerjaan dia itu membahagiakan 2099. Membahagiakan as in lo punya kesempatan untuk 'love what you do and do what you love at the same time'. Gue ga yakin sih semua orang bakal punya kesempatan yang sama, ga banyak, setau gue, orang di dunia ini yang punya kesempatan menemukan apa yang dia suka, dan menjadikan apa yang disukainya itu jadi pekerjaan. Intinya sih, gue lumayan pengen jalan-jalan ke tempat baru, dan dibayar. Ya kaya si sohib gue ini lah. 

Gue gatau sih, mungkin kurang banyak dan berani ngorek-ngorek. Gue gatau seberapa dia enjoy, tapi keliatannya ya, dia enjoy sih. 

Dulu, orang yang 'deket' dan 'spesial' banget buat gue pernah bilang, "Lo harusnya ga bangga kalo lo jalan-jalan karena lo bayar sendiri. Lo harus bangga kalo lo jalan-jalan karena ikut kompetisi, atau seminar, atau apaan kek...' 

Well, gue gatau kenapa gue jadi inget kata-kata orang itu lagi. Yang pasti, gue merasa gue bakal bahagia kalo kerjaan gue itu jalan-jalan doang tiap waktu. 

Dan ada gap dengan mimpi itu dengan apa yang gue kerjain sekarang --selain ngepoin Facebook si temen gue itu loh ya...

Gue lagi nulis soal 'Education in Indonesia', nyiapin paper buat representasi organisasi gue untuk presentasi di depan Wakil Menteri Pendidikan, Anies Baswedan, Prof. Surya, dsb. Mungkin buat orang itu menarik kali ya, buat gue menarik juga sih. Di organisasi tempat gue kerjain sekarang, mereka punya jutaan data soal jutaan hal, termasuk education, yang notabene adalah passion gue. Kadang gue pikir-pikir, akan sangat baik kalo melihat permasalahan secara langsung, ga diwakilin sama kertas kaya yang gue kerjain sekarang. Akan sangat baik kalo gue bisa punya pengalaman langsung dengan orang-orang yang diceritain di kertas ini. 

Cuma, kalau dipikir-pikir lagi, dan kalo dikaitin sama hasil tes psikologi gue pagi ini, gue anaknya ternyata ga seambisius itu. In fact, 'need for achievement' gue bisa dibilang di bawah rata-rata orang normal kebanyakan. Nah loh.. Yang bener yang mana? Di satu sisi temen-temen gue bilang gue anaknya super ambisius, ga pernah puas, hard to please, dsb. Di sisi lain, bos gue bilang gue kurang ambisius. Justru gue harus pergi ke luar negeri buat dapet referensi orang ambisius yang sebenernya itu kaya gimana. Hahaha.. Bingung kan kalo jadi gue? Ambisius atau ga nih ceritanya?

Terus apa hubungannya sama ngepoin Facebook? 

Hubungannya adalah, saking ga ambisiusnya gue, gue lebih banyak waktu nyantai-nyantai di kantor ngepoin Facebook dibanding mikirin masalah terus nyelesain masalah yang ada. Paper gue tadi harus nganggur untuk sementara karena gue lagi super kepo liat foto-foto bahagia temen gue tadi (dan sesungguhnya beberapa orang lainnya). 

Kadang-kadang, oh kadang-kadang, gue sebenernya malu sih sama diri gue sendiri. Gue suka bertanya-tanya apa aja yang udah gue buat di hidup ini. Kalo kata bos gue, bandingin lah diri lo sama Malala yang umurnya masih belasan tapi udah berjuang supaya anak-anak perempuan di daerahnya bisa sekolah. 

Kalo dibandingin sama si 'spesial', tiap hari dia bangun pagi pulang malem, ngerjain apa yang dia suka, dapetin benefit out of it, tapi tetep punya side projects pro bono yang beneficial buat orang lain. He actually juggles his time superbly sampe masih punya waktu dinner sama gue coba. 

Kayanya gue lebih baik ambil tes psikologi aja deh. Buat tahu sebenernya strength gue itu ada di mana. Ga jarang loh gue mikir sebenernya gue beneran ambisius atau ga. Kalo iya, kenapa gue lebih sering nyantai-nyantai ya dibanding bekerja? Kenapa ya gue jadi anak labil dan super kontradiktif gini?

Bingung ya? Sama dong.

Amazed

Amazed. Maybe that is an appropriate word to what I feel most of the time. Not only am amazed with all the beautiful places, sceneries, earth commodities and all, human just blows my mind in so many ways. 

I am amazed with God, with how great He is, His creation: both tangible and intangible. Sounds weird, but really, how could someone fall in love? How could someone be so smart in making decisions? How did wisdom appear in the very first place? What about bravery, integrity, or even professionalism? It is beyond amazing.

Am so amazed with how two souls can feel so great about one another, missing each other, feeling so deep, so close, so intimate. How could two people from totally different worlds collide and become one? 

That was just one aspect out of millions of feelings and situation in life. Isn't it amazing? Don't you get even more mezmerized by the One who architects the whole processes? To the 7 million people on earth? Or even more in the other galaxies? 

How great Thou art.

Another Quirky, Yet Amazing Man

Amazed with how little were the things this guy truly appreciates. Small stuffs, really. As small as the size of cotton buds, or the drop of waters from a shower that could create certain degree of comfort. He would kill to the least details. A choice of music for brunch, a view of perfect sunday, an atmosphere, food tasting, for perfection, he'd think of 'em all. How amazing?

He's a man of talents, and of interests. The one who will introduce you to great cuisine, music, destination, dreamland, almost everything, but of all, the best way to truly enjoy them all.

One of the people whom I respect. I promised to buy a special towel for his birthday next year :p

Wait for it, Broto.. Hahahaha

Banda Aceh & Pulau Weh, May 2014

Happy Birthday, Mommy!!!

Spesial (Bukan Nasi Goreng)

My friend once said how much I liked to sabotage myself –a fact that I could not deny however bad I want to. Yes, I can be very ungrateful about any situation, including one romantic relationship. Who doesn’t want a perfect life? I do dream of someone that can see me everyday, that can make me laugh every single time, that can always be there whenever I need, feels the same excitement & loves me wholeheartedly. Someone that can act beyond just boyfriend, but a companion, a best friend, a father even a son.

I can be very ungrateful that I forgot how lucky I am to meet this special man, a very nice, tolerant, smart and loving man. Well, he's got his own way to express his feelings, sometimes he's just way too rational he started being insensitive to my swinging mood. But hey, isn't it unbelievable? The fact that I, a very picky person, can get along easily with this person. And again, he's a very special person, for sure. A man of discipline and hard work; a man of tolerance and logic; a selfless family man who is determined to bring happiness anywhere he is around. Real gentleman who is smart yet very humble at the same time. 

I am still surprised to the fact that we got together just quickly. He's been different to the kind of person I desire, but he is indeed a better gift. He would pick me up at 1 am in the morning just so that I could go home safely. He is the kind of person that got confused when I skipped dinner (because I was actually waiting to have dinner together). He would brainstorm with me whenever I have doubts and "situation" even after 15 long hours of working. He would honestly speak up what he has in mind, yet still in an extremely polite, acceptable way. Such a sweet, sweet guy. The kind of guy who would spend holidays with me but still make time for his family at the end of the day. 

So, in times when I miss him much but he's busy, I would just remember how extraordinary this person is, how, in his unique way has brought the best in me. 

It is a moment of truth – the day when I seriously don’t want to face, like at all. People have been chasing me to death, I just can’t run anymore. However bad I want to ask people around me, they couldn’t determine anything, not my life. It is my decision to make –which is the hardest truth of all. 

Am not so sure what happened this morning, or last night, or else; I just had a terrible mood today. Blame it to no one but myself. This career thingy has eaten me up. I am not clear what is right or wrong now -- I just need to decide. Period.