End of Story

I have been trying hard to understand him. Not to blindly judge him as selfish, but to get into his world: how he sees the world, how he was raised, how he grew up till he got his position today, basically everything. Unfortunately, nothing really matters anymore now, and I think I know why.

He basically is selfish. He always thinks he is everything, he got everything, and he’s fine with everything. In some way, this is the way he tries to appreciate what God has given to his life, but in the other ways, he’s being ignorant to other people, to what people actually need, and to what other people want. I am included.

These whole time, we have been together, we share things, at least I share things with him. I sacrificed a lot, even my ego, to stop thinking that he’s selfish. Well, it is to no avail, Gadis. Because he never changes, he is the way he is. And he’s going to be like that for the rest of his life, or at least until he meets someone that can blow his mind away. Definitely, it is not me who has the honor to be that person.

To some extent, it is actually fine being so selfish. I cannot say that I am selfless the whole time, but this has grown unmanageable till I couldn’t breathe anymore. He never, for once, realizes that we do have problems to solve together. He never, not at once, notices that he needs to try to understand his counterpart if he wants this relationship to work. He never, not even once, wants to make me feel comfortable and safe and secured, being in this relationship. He never tries to do anything about it. In short, he has taken me for granted.

He takes advantage the fact that I am a true servant when it comes to serving him. He takes the advantage the fact that I fall for him and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. He takes advantage of my love and dedication. Just because he’s being selfish, or perhaps just because he never really loves me. Pathetic, I sound just now, yet that is the truth.

If he really wants a relationship, it always takes two to tango. He needs to do something and stop being so careless. He needs to know how the other person is doing and feeling and act upon it. He needs to care less about himself and start caring others. And he needs to put his counterpart, if the really truly loves her, in his first priority, because she is going to be with him for the rest of his life, not his job, or the other things.

So, taken into conclusion, he never really does, love me. Clear? Yes it is, as clear as crystal. A sad, sad news, but I need to swallow it now. I want to go back to the old me. 

How Far, Gadis?

How far should you go when it comes to understanding your spouse? Well, I may not be able to give a perfect answer since I am now trying to deal with the same question myself. But yes, it’s a tough one.

I could say I have sacrificed a lot of things to be with this guy. The biggest one is definitely my ego to be taken care of, to be spoiled, or to be treated like a princess or a lady. And I could say it’s hard. Who doesn’t want to live in fairy tale? Who doesn’t want to be treated best? I bet everyone does. So, I have been lowering my standard of satisfaction. I tried my best to meet his standard, to meet his needs, whatever he considers important, his habits, basically anything, and throw far away my own standard of living; all for nothing but for his love and dedication.

It isn’t complicated, actually. Not as complicated as I might conveyed throughout these times. In fact, it is as easy as the fact that I want him to show some appreciation not by buying me gifts, although it’s more than lovely, but I need a more meaningful action as a payoff. A little tolerance would be just nice. Yet he never gives it away, at least to me.

Just like today, where he barely texted me his whereabouts, and my lecturer abruptly canceled our appointment when I already got to our meeting point, so I got to wander somewhere to kill time. Maybe it’s my fault that I want to be with him so badly, that I expect him to always be there for me. But hey, if he’s available, why wouldn’t you spend time with your beloved?

So I went somewhere to wait for his phone call, which never came. Poor me, he fell asleep, stood me up for more than 3 hours, still thinking that it’s perfectly fine to make me wait another hour. Those kind of things, dude. Those things pissed me off. Is it really hard to take bath real quick and get here in a blink?

Sadly, it happens too many times. He acted just like it’s his privilege to make me waiting. He got furious whenever I said I feel like being treated as a toy, but he has not done anything to make me feel otherwise.

He would say, “Come on. You know I am really tired, I slept very late last night. If you really love me, you wouldn’t complain.” Unfortunately, I am tired too. I don’t think trying to be fast when your girlfriend has been waiting for the past three hours is a sin, a big favor, or anything. It’s just a small gesture you’d do for someone you love. Why do you ask me to understand when you don’t do the same thing? Why should I have bigger heart than you do?

I am really tired. I know perhaps I should just understand, be patient, that’s it. But it’s not easy for someone who has done a lot of things just to make someone happy.

The Oddity of Me

Honestly, I never know how broken I am till fairly recently. Apparently, I am more than just completely broken. Torn, hurt and full of negativity, I have grown such a bad attitude that annoyed so many people, especially him. Occupied with tons of questions in my mind, I began to develop an idea of what might be the reason I acted like a child that resulted in the title of this posting.

Yes, I found out, I have this oddity inside of me, in which I have numerous contrasting characters residing in my body. I can be very childish, yet mature. I can be very strong, but at the same time very weak. I can feel so pumped and energized while I also feel discouraged. To say I have multiple personality might be too farfetched, although this thesis is somehow going there.

Okay, now I am confused. Perhaps everyone is. I realized previously that I somehow show bipolar disorder syndrome, but I don’t think so anymore. The overlaying background is actually that I am independent in nature. I worked very hard to be where I am now. I experienced a lot of things to be knowledgeable.  But, when it comes to guys, I just lost my rationality. I become very emotional, if I can’t call it irrational. I suddenly become so weak and lame, I dare to sacrifice everything I have to just one person. This has been going on for so long, I suppose.

The strong Gadis, the independent Gadis, swiftly changes into someone she barely knew, a very different person that can be easily persuaded, but most importantly drown into feelings, and feelings only. Not a good sign, though.

What can you say? That’s my weakness. It is similar to what happened to Samson anyway, when he met Delilah. He just couldn’t stand her, in a positive way. He fell for her. That occurred to me too. Whenever I found someone I love badly, I think of nothing but him. Until today, I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing.

With the devastation that came along, of course it’s not a good thing. Yet somehow it shows how devoted I am to someone, how sincere, and how deep the love I have for the special man. Oh, I wish he would notice.

So, I don’t even know whether I should stay single or should I be with men, since they are “dangerous” to me. Another confusion.

Honestly, all I ever want was to be understood, to be accepted for who I am. Don’t ever ask me if he did that, though, because I am not certain. 

Emotional Writing

Now I perfectly get it. I used to think I am a negative person, judging from all of my postings in this blog. Well you can make diagram and find out that most of my writings are those complaints, my low time in life, anger or anything classified desperate. Even I once wrote how I should change into a more positive person that writes more positive stories. 

Now, fuck it. Perhaps people share their best moments in their blog because they like it, because they want to share their happiness, or because they want to brag about it. I AM NOT. As simple as that. I use this blog as one cup to express feelings I can't show to anyone; mostly whenever I feel depressed. Writing helps me channel those negative emotions. One or two happy postings would function as diary, because I realize how helpful blog to save all of the moments in life. So, that's who I am. Why should I be ashamed of myself? Why should I change?

I am a complicated person. Everyone said so. So what? I should be happy being myself and not the opposite. If you don't like it, screw you. Who cares?

Heartache

I have always thought that I am an easy-to-please woman. It's really easy to make me happy. Make suprises, pop up in my house, bring flowers, or anything fairy-tale-like. Call me cheap or low or anything you want. But, I love those romantic cliche. 

It's been a while that we have been together. Numbers are unimportant to me, but it's been a while, really. Under that assumption, is it too much for me to expect him to know what I want, know my habit, know what I like and what I dislike, and everything else about me? I mean, how hard is it to do so? Even I call myself transparent, because you can see mostly everything so easily within. I am expressive, that's what everyone said about me, and that's true, you would know what I felt inside whenever you see my face. 

My questions then, why is it so hard for him to understand me? Isn't it supposed to be easy? Especially after all the time we've been through, all the time we've fought, and all the time we've shared? Come on, it's not hard at all. Why did you never come at time when I need you most? Why did you never cheer me up the way I wanted you to? 

Okay, perhaps I sound so demanding. But hey, I know what he wants, and I do what he wants. Almost every time. I tried my best not to disappoint him. The only time I failed was whenever he badly responded me. So I burst. Hey, that's not what I'd plan. I would always be nice unless it's my period or unless you start the fire. Why still it be hard for you to take care of my feelings?

Harder to Breathe

I really don't know if I should be sad or happy right now. My sister has given me so many inspiration to move on, continue whatever I am doing, start with small, concrete steps, and pursue the dreams I have within. It's heartbreaking. There are many times that I felt he was the one. He was my dream. He was going to help me pursue my dreams. But maybe he is not. What shall I do? Nothing. Move on.