Too Much

"Too much of everything can make you sick.
Even a good can be curse."Cheryl Cole

Fixated. On the very special man. 

Apparently, it's just blowing you away from reality. Even my mom recognized the same problem on me. 

I just feel too much for this man. And too much is never right. 

The Impossible

I want you. And the rest of the time in the world. Just us. 

Yet, 

impossible.

Destructive?

Fight after fight, after fight. Been passing through ample fights. Incredibly, we survived, although I am cornered with questions inside. I mean, you would possibly be thinking how did we go through all those fights and still feel in love with each other? How did we still feel strong and hopeful about this relationship after all?

Same questions remain here. Was it love to begin with? Or was it hatred and revenge? Was it love that lingers all along? Passion? Tuning process? Or what? Why do we keep on falling to the same temptation over and over again?

We both are tired, undoubtedly. Yet we know that we are better together. The process is exhausting, but hopefully worth the struggle. 

One thing I truly believe is the fact that love comes with responsibility. It comes with respect, with strength to hold on even in the darkest hours. Relationship requires hard work, not merely “love”. That is exactly why I am staying. Cause I deem my feeling to be right. 

Christmas Notes

I used to ask myself, “What’s so different with Christmas this year?” Well, in 2008, I cried during the sermon, feeling lonely like more than ever, especially when looking at those re-united families and lovers. In 2009, I spent it with Edo, went to church with his family then spent a lovely evening at one of our favorite restaurants. That was one of my best Christmas. In 2010 and 2011, I was again, alone. Nothing specific I could point out for those two days. And so, this is 2012. What’s so special and what’s so different than before?

The celebration is indifferent. The same and common mass, just like another Sunday prayer, but in Catholic Church, with the very special man. We even had fight minutes when the mass was about to begin. Us, with those usual and menial consistent arguments. There was no peace during the first few minutes of our prayer, till he held my hand, and I could feel that I have been loved deeply.

We were casually showing affection to each other, until I burst (as always) when the time just passed 1.40 AM and I was still away from my house. We celebrated the occasion by having barbeque in one of our relatives, if I may say so. But then, my Dad is not someone who would allow me spend that much of a time outside. So I began to worry much. The fight kicked in. And there we went again.

Surprisingly, the very special man was so calm that I could feel nothing but loved. His words, although they were very “spicy” and critical, they were right. They were trying to make me realize who I was, what I did wrong, and what could I have done differently. Cliché, but seriously effective to calm me down and begin to wonder.

I couldn’t agree more that I am deeply in love with him, and I want nothing but him. I dedicated all my time to him and most of my close friends and families feel detached from me because of that. I know I perhaps could have done so much better, been wiser and rational in managing time, expectation and attention. Yet, nobody would have understood the stage I am in, the butterflies that had been kicking or the passion I have for this man. I know I have been away and perhaps there’s no good in it, or even only harms resulted. I don’t care.

This Christmas is special because I could make time to know deeper someone I am crazy about. That is just precious. That does not happen many times. And I just hope to do better next time.

Luapan Isi Hati

Lagi dan lagi. Aku kembali pada persimpangan.

Aku yang mencintaimu, dan mengharap cintamu.

Menganga sudah diriku, beserta luka-luka di dalamnya.

Membuat lega, tetapi penuh curiga.

Tidak ingin kau pergi tentunya, melihat semua.

Aku semakin cinta. Cinta semakin gila.

Takut semakin terasa. Aku tidak ingin kau tiada.

Harus apa aku kemudian?

Dawn

How would you expect a 21 year old girl to understand the perspectives of a father? Or parents? Well, my very special man did expect me to do so.

Before, for me, it is never clear: my relationship with my own dad. I am a talker type, and I really wish, deep down, that he would talk about it. That he would actually be my "serious" dad, the one I can talk to every time I have a problem, the one whom I can depend on whenever I need to make some important decisions. Or at least the one who understands me, appreciates what I do, and starts giving the appraisal, because that's just pushing the two corners of your lips to different poles, and nothing is more wonderful than having your own father feel proud of yourself.

Nevertheless, none actually happened to me. As far as I am concerned, he's not that type of man. He's the type who think about monthly transactions. He gave me my allowance each month, paid my telephone bills, controlled me by texting and calling every time he felt like doing it, scolded me most of the time he's at home because he's an obsessive-compulsive man too. I don't have that much of good impressions of him. 

I do agree he's a social type, unlike my mom. He has a great sense of humor and interpersonal skills. And I do admire that. He mingles with people easily, has a lot of friends, and foremost he's very loyal. Yet, he does have his downside and several traits that I do not like and I should not mention here. 

So yes, despite the things that he has, those strengths and weaknesses, I hardly understand him, even the whole time I have been living with him, which is 21 years of my life. I truly feel difficult in understanding what he wants. For me, those are just absurds and impossible to have. So I do most of things on my own, we never had that "serious" talks so I made my own decisions, referred to him for some calculation (of money, of course), or just so I got the permission to drive the car or go out with my friends. That was it. 

I don't really have that father figure. At least in my opinion. 

This christmas, though, I guess it has to change. The convo I had with my very special man really opened my eyes. I am just blind these whole times. And I have been so selfish that I hate myself so much now. 

I don't have that sensibility or tolerance over what he's going through, although I must say, this I should blame on his introvert side when it comes to his problems against family issues. I forget my status as his daughter so many times, and I am considered too wild for my age. What have I been thinking? 

I feel unwanted, honestly. He never talks. We never talked to each other. And that is just frustrating. When I am seeking that figure, he was invisible. Now I sense this hatred going on in the house, and it's very tiring. 

What to do next? I have no idea, myself. 

Still, I gotta fix myself. Can't be this belligerent. Can't be this rebel. Cause I have been depending on him, without my notice or consent. 

Oh, can I say I am really thankful for having the very special man on my side? He always did this. He put my life, my soul, my brain up side down in just 20 minutes and that's make me go crazy on him even more. Gosh, I think I am madly, deeply, in love with him. 

Love is all we need

Another Door Closes

At least now I find the truth. Certainly "it's" breaking, but I will find a way to heal it. He never was serious putting his words into action. Those were just jokes. Silly things people used to throw whenever they feel happy. So, I guess that's what he did as well, joking. 

It is clear how things won't go anywhere. Uncertainty is again filling up the room, and my heart undoubtedly. But, that's life, Gadis. Life doesn't go as well as planned. Life does not go easy on people, including me. Life is indeed very tough. 

Honestly, I want to give in to situation. I want to get out of misery. I want to avoid another heart-breaking moment, a worse one. But this feeling won't go away. Why?

Pray

There are many times I wonder if what we had was true love. I do, love him. And I somehow feel that he does too unspeakably, in his own way of loving. Although there are times I doubt his way - and I believe there are many times he does too - I still believe on what we have. 

I don't want to be pessimistic, or too sensitive, like I used to be. At this moment, I want to have faith. Despite the fact that he changes. He does not spend that much time skype-ing with me, he does not bbm me like he usually did, there are some parts missing between us. I am not sure what it is, I just hope it's not the love. Not the chemistry, not the bond. 

Of course every body wants to be loved they way they want. Probably, I can't. I just need to have faith that he does, through his own way. Just the way I surrender myself to God. Eventually, I will be happy. Because happiness is made, not found. 

Tahun 2012 bagi Seorang Gadis

Saya sadar betul penghujung tahun 2012 masih beberapa minggu lagi, namun perkenankanlah saya untuk mengulas baik kegetiran maupun kemanisan tahun ini, sekarang. Alasannya, tidak lain karena dua penyakit yang saya derita belakangan ini dan baru saja saya ketahui beberapa saat lalu.

Ketika Anda menginjak umur 21, tentunya bukan penyakit yang Anda harapkan menimpa Anda. Umur-umur sekian adalah umur di mana seorang pemuda mencari identitas, mengaktualisasikan diri, mengeksplorasi semangat yang kian menggelora, dan intinya berbahagia menikmati masa muda. Sayangnya, tidak demikian yang terjadi pada saya.

Umur 21 menunjukkan keletihan dan kerapuhan yang luar biasa. Saya mengidap kolesterol tinggi, dan baru saja mengetahui bahwa saya punya masalah di saluran pencernaan yang cukup berbahaya. Saya tidak ingin menceritakan detilnya di sini. Itu tidak lagi menjadi persoalan. Menghadapi dua penyakit tersebut di usia ini, itulah yang menjadi persoalan.

Rupanya tidak cukup hepatitis, typhoid, dan DBD menyerang saya bertubi-tubi di umur saya yang ke-20. Kali ini, penyakit orang tua semacam kolesterol dan saluran pencernaan juga turut menggerogoti badan yang seharusnya masih prima kesehatannya. Betapa menyedihkan.

Tidak ada maksud untuk mengasihani diri sendiri, ataupun mengharap iba dari orang lain. Saya hanya cemas, dan tentunya kecewa. Siapa yang tidak ingin dilimpahi kesehatan? Siapa yang tidak ingin hidupnya bahagia? Bisa menikmati keindahan yang ditawarkan dunia ini? Tentu semua orang bersedia. Namun pilihan itu bukan pilihan yang inklusif, khususnya bagi saya.

Mungkin jarang dari kalian yang berusia sama merasakan penderitaan menahan keinginan untuk makan apa saja sesuka perut dan hati. Mungkin jarang dari kalian yang berusia sama merasakan penatnya mengulang-ulang menu yang sama setiap minggunya. Mungkin jarang dari kalian yang kemudian membatasi diri beraktivitas karena alasan kesehatan, atau bahkan melarang diri bertamasya dan lainnya.

Tapi, tahun 2012 ini juga ternyata tidak hanya kelabu. Saya percaya ada pelangi di akhir hujan. Ada ingatan manis yang bisa saya kenang. Pertemuan saya dengan seorang pengidap kanker yang bertahan hidup dengan chemotherapy dan makanan yang lebih itu-itu saja menyadarkan saya betapa saya masih dihadapkan pada keberuntungan.

Tahun yang penuh dengan kejutan dari keterlibatan saya pada Mahasiswa Berprestasi FISIP, Total Summer School (yang kemudian menghantarkan saya pada Eropa - tempat impian selama hidup), Indonesia Model United Nations, Young Leaders for Indonesia (yang mengenalkan saya pada orang-orang inspirasional dan kawan-kawan menakjubkan dari berbagai pelosok Indonesia), hingga ExxonMobil tempat saya bergulat kini.

Sesungguhnya ada terlalu banyak peristiwa manis yang terjadi. Eratnya hubungan saya dengan si kekasih juga terjadi tahun ini. Bali dan Paris yang masing-masing mengungkap tawa dan duka juga ada di tahun ini.

Terlepas dari segala guratan-guratan pahit yang terjadi karena komplikasi kesehatan, nyatanya juga seimbang dengan simpul manis segala peristiwa. Dan saya patut bersyukur, jika bukan berbahagia. Saya masih punya sesuatu untuk disyukuri. Saya punya banyak hal untuk membuat saya tersenyum.

Kekecewaan pasti selalu ada, di mana pun dan kapan pun. Tetapi cukuplah sudah merasa merana. Toh masih ada orang-orang tercinta yang selalu ada buat kita. Setidaknya, para sahabat yang juga merasakan naik-turunnya roda kehidupan ini.

Jadi, angkat topi untuk Sang Sutradara. Pelukan hangat untuk yang tercinta.

Happy 21st Birthday, Miss Ketie :)

I took the liberty to publish this picture, ya Mbakeee :) I hope you had a joyous birthday. However, most of all, I hope you will get wiser and wiser on your special day.

Love,
Gadis