I never knew perfection
'tillI heard you speak,
and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things

Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You're scared and that you think that I'm insane

The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there
it disappears It disappears

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break

So you're sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold,
but that's alright

Life these days is getting rough
They've knocked you down and beat you up
But it's just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break, baby

help me please

hari ini gw pergi sama katherine, ke pameran foto di antara. Makkah Final Destination. Lumayan lah, not too good, not too bad..
pulang dari sana kita ke pasar baru, terus ke gramed liat2 buku, terus pulang. katherine pulang naik bus, gw naik busway.
di sepanjang perjalanan i can't keep my head off thinking about someone, i believe you know who.
i'm in total confused now. off balance.
i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know what i'm doing this for.
argh.
i feel lonely. tremendously alone.
i kept thinking about someone.
someone i can rely on. someone i can lean on, depend on.
share my life with.
but he is missing now.

i'm totally alone.
i tried to feel his heart next to me, but i feel he has flown too far, to a place i can't even reach.

my heart was crying. loud. but no one could never hear.
it was deeply hurted.

but still, i don't know what i could do with this.
survive? or leave it now?
to be honest, i don't wanna quit.
if i could, i will struggle, and fight for this. but i will still need my pride.

argh.
argh.
argh.
argh.
argh.

me and my plan

Well, talking about plan, it could be divided into two kinds of mood, good and bad. Good if we already have a plan for our future, and bad if we’re still hesitate about what plan to make. Thank God, I have planned my own future. And I hope it will work.

So, I have taken a test that showed me what faculty I should take after I graduate from high school. It is stated that I should taken International Relationship as my first choice, and the second would be Management. And the third that was being recommended is Communication.

You know, at first I never thought that it would affect my consideration for picking faculties. At all. I forgot that I have taken that aptitude and interest test, and I was looking for those faculties by asking people, what it is that fit me best, and yeah.. I found it when I was learning about management at school. I firstly thought that, wow, I love it. This is my dream (well my dream is to be an event organizer, but I consider to find any faculty but business, because I think business could be learned through experience and even a book, so there’s no need to take it as an undergraduate program). Back to business, so I think by learning management, I could manage my organizer one day in the future. (I also have heard that in UI, you can learn how to manage your organization by running a real events! What a fun activity it would be!)

In the other hand, people urge me to take International Relationship as a subject besides Communication, which is my first priority. Initially, I was thinking IR would be fun. But some people said, it is hard for me as a Chinese descendants, to work in a diplomatic field. So I was looking to another subject. And then I found Communication which is exciting to do (at least in my opinion). All of sudden, I was surprised, that all of subject I am going to take is what is it as the result of the test.

When I asked my mom I am going to choose Management and Communication, she said, ”You are not suitable to work behind a desk and just keep silence. You are a talkative person and you won’t handle that situation, babe.” She advice me to choose IR and Communication so I could improve my communication skill while studying more in english.

My mom knows me since I was a lil kid. So I think there’s nothing more reliable than trusting her, right? And in addition to that, some of my friends think that those two subject would be more proper for me.

And know I have decided. I would take International Relationship and Communication, and I hope I could enter University of Indonesia for this. I believe, they could provide a good education for me, and affordable price of course. ( I should think about my lil brother that still have a long journey through his education as well, and it will need a big amount of money).

But I still have another choice, which is APU in Japan. This is a bit dilematic for me. I want the scholarship so bad, but I don’t know whether I want to go or not. I want to be independent, leave dependence, try to struggle on my own feet. But if I think all over again, several people say, it is to build connection if you spend your very first four years in university here, in Indonesia, your very own country. And honestly, I’m not willing to leave anyone I have right now.

Okay, so I need to think about it a lil bit more. So I can choose and have my decision in the right time.

For certain, now I need to study well, having a great score at school, graduate, and striving for stepping into university.

I just want to tell you about my long term plan. Well, it is to marry soon J (and have a happy family), but before that, of course I want to have a lovely job that I can enjoy with, having millions of dollars, go traveling throughout the world, help poor people, making progress in education, and definitely serving + developing this nation. I want to help as many as I can, so that we can all live in peace and sufficient condition (so there’s no more have to suffer and live in stupidity).

Nevertheless, I will always remember to dedicate my success for my parents, family, friends, and the most important, GOD.

hectic moments

what a hectic moments i have to face right now.

today is the last day for us to see miss kara. yes, she did move out.
so we decided to take a photograph with her.
she said, she was lonely having her day at our community. and bla bla bla she tried to explain it to us.. poor her. she will move in to SPH at lippo karawaci. argh!
we're gonna miss you, miss! we will miss your beautiful eyes, and your wonderful outfit, and also your creative activity. we love you, ya know! but, it is up to you, wherever you wanna go to. we just hope that you're gonna find your missing soul there, and have a better future of course.
we did say goodbye. some of us were drowning in tears. well, thankfully i didn't.
i'm sure i will cry next week, so there's no need to cry a lot now.

and what's so burdening for next weekend are :
1. a lot of tests : math, geography, kapita selekta, religiosity, accountancy, and so on
2. a lot of tasks : i can't even mention
3. bu nita is moving out too :(

and what i need to do this weekend :
1. karya tulis!
2. karangan buat lomba mengarang

argh!

belom lagi besok ulangan jerman. and i haven't even touched the book!

gw tau banget nih, ini pasti akan berakhir dengan gw ketiduran. chatting doang, terus ngantuk. dan akhirnya ga ngapa2in!


argh! and i am totally confused with tomorrow's schedule!
it's killing me now
argh
argh
argh
argh

can somebody help me please?

thank you for healing me

thank God, i still have my bestest friend, jerry.

gw emang selalu moody-an..
nothing's weird happened today, tapi ada yang membuat gw jadi bad mood ga karuan..
malah sore2 pas gw udah sampe rumah, gw kepengen banget nangis..
aneh ya?

haha itulah gw.. selalu pengen nangis tapi ga punya alasan..
sesak banget rasanya..
alhasil gw jadi ngelamun-ngelamun ga jelas..

but thank God once again, karena i still have him to take a load off mind.
he was trying to comfort me.
and it worked!

gw bisa ketawa lagi gitu sekarang..
sesak yang dari hati pindah ke perut juga udah ilang.
semua akibat jokes jokes dan lagu-lagu yang lo mainkan..
walaupun gw tetap ga tahu apa yang membuat hati gw merasa terbeban tadi
gw udah ga peduli. yang penting sekarang gw bisa bergembira lagi.. hehe
jangan lupa janji kita bikin y*****e


ice cream and besties are the best for curing broken heart :)




*jer, thank you so much for being there everytime i need you!
thank you so much for getting the bad feelings rid out of me
I feel more relieved now..

thank you..

odha

hari ini gw baru ngerasain banget 'deep lost' kehilangan odha.
aneh memang.. gw juga gatau kenapa kemaren gw ga nangis sama sekali.
hari ini gw baru ngerasa sesak dan pengen nangis.
dari pagi gw ga bisa tidur, rasanya pengen nangiiis terus..

sekarang gw bisa ngerasain gimana rio. gw bisa berpikir betapa ga enaknya ditinggal jauh jauh sama orang yang kita sayang banget.. soalnya gw juga sedih banget sekarang..

i know we've just got closer recently (about a year and a half) but i think there's plenty of things we've shared. plenty.

thanks ya od, udah pernah jadi temen gw di sekolah yang sucks ini. at least, kita bisa berbagi both masa2 buruk dan indah selama high school..

gw sadar banget kalo udah ga ada lagi orang-orang yang suka diajak bergosip seperti kita bergosip.
ga ada lagi 'phone a friend' kalo gw lagi kalap belanja dan harus memilih..
ga ada lagi itc kun mate, mix max mate, piscok+kue bantal mate, gosipping mate, murah tapi banyak mate, obrolan tante2 kaya mate, debate mate, nebeng mate, cinta karol mate, bitch mate, parties mate, wannaB mate, and other mates..

sori ya kalo kemaren gw ga nangis.
soalnya gw emang ga mau bersedih-sedih sebenernya,
yah, lo tau lah gw cengennya kaya apa..
kalo gw nangis kemaren, pasti banjir banget..
suasana jadi ga seru kaaan..

bukannya gw ga sayang lo loh dha.. gw sayaaaaaaang banget sama lo..
gw kehilangan lo banget sekarang..

gw sih berharap banget kita masih bisa terus keep in touch, keep contact.
but if that doesn't happen, that's okay..
i know lo bakal ketemu more and more people in a bigger place out there..
you will make friends, besties, BF, BFF, and so on..

but thank you for everything..
thank you very much, for making it a lot easier to be passed through..

sorry ya gw ga sempet nyanyiin esok kan masih ada buat lo, seperti yang gw rencanakan sebelumnya. banyak banget sebenernya yang gw rencanakan buat lo (bahkan dari setaun yang lalu).. tapi ya gitu.. sori banget..

gw berharap suatu hari nanti bisa masukin itu ke youtube hehe (10 years in the future mungkin hehe)


I'm gonna miss you dha. A LOT!



07.08.08

an oldtime story ; belajar merelakan

Ternyata, semakin dewasanya seseorang, ga cuma dewasa di fisik sama pikiran doang loh. Hehehehe, gw telat yah sadarnya?

Dewasa juga berarti dewasa bertindak, dewasa berbicara, dewasa mengambil keputusan, dewasa memaafkan, dan ada juga dewasa merelakan. Bukan berarti ketika usia kita bertambah, mengarah ke arah dewasa, lama kelamaan pasti semua bakal dewasa dengan sendirinya. Belom tentu. Kadang kita ga pernah kepikiran lagi, buat mendewasakan diri dalam memaafkan atau merelakan.

Hari ini gw belajar gimana merelakan sesuatu yang gw suka, gw adore, gw geluti, untuk gw lepas pergi. Sama seperti kalian (mungkin), gw gatau apa itu dewasa dalam hal merelakan. Gw juga baru tau hal ini, hari ini. After something happened to my life. And I just realized, that I need willingly, let it happened.

Jadi dengan umur gw yang udah 16 ini, ternyata gw belom cukup dewasa untuk belajar merelakan. Gw juga belom cukup dewasa untuk tegas sama keputusan yang gw ambil. Memang , hari ini gw bener bener belajar buat prinsipil, memegang prinsip yang emang dari sananya gw pilih. Tapi tenyata oh ternyata, gw masih mudah terombang ambing kalo mau ngambil keputusan.

Well, gw ga mau lagi itu terjadi. I will prevent that to happen.

Belajar merelakan, memaafkan, itu ga pernah gampang. Dan hari ini gw belajar. Untuk jadi dewasa, bukan cuma di segi fisik dan pikiran doang. Many things, we should be mature in them.

Jujur aja, hidup gw bakal berubah sejak hari ini. Di mana gw belajar merelakan untuk meninggalkan sesuatu, di mana gw selama ini ada di dalamnya. Perasaan gw ga karuan. Tapi, one of my friends said that this is the right time.

To change.

To get a turning point of my life.

And taste a new flavour of life.

This time, would be really hard for me. Tapi gw punya Tuhan, gw punya sahabat, gw punya teman teman, gw punya orang tua dan keluarga, and I believe they’ll support me in the way I do (and if its right of course)

This time, everything would go differently. Total different. Dan gw harus terbiasa sama semua itu. Gw harap, gw selalu tau apa yang akan dan harus gw lakukan di masa depan.

Friends, thanks for all your help J I really mean it so much.

To my friend gratia,

Honey, thanks for the way you made me realize. Thanks for the way you understand me, even in the hard time of life. Thanks. ILU.

To my friend, yandi,

Hey, I know maybe you wouldn’t realize, what you did to me. But I just wanna say thanks, for making me realize, that I can do it. and I am able to do it. the only problem is FEAR,which I cant go over it.

To my friend, fanka,

Also thanks to you, for teaching me that I have to move on with my life. Challenge a new fortune. And that I am a futuristic person. It means a lot today. Sorry for making you late seeing them.

To my friend tisa,

Tisa, you would never know how speechless I am to say thanks to you. You did every single thing in my life, and its completely perfect! I love you so damn much. Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you for guiding me everytime I need.

To my sister, putri,

Well maybe you have never appreciated me. Or you never counted on me. But I wanna thank you, for being my sister. For being a guidance. A guide. A sister. Thanks a lot.

To my mom,

Mom, I know maybe you’re disappointed with my choice. But this time, I need to be me. To be who am i. and I believe, you’ll trust me on this.

Friends that I have mentioned, are all of my friends that helped me especially yesterday, accompanied me through difficulties I’ve yesterday.

It doesn’t mean, that you I haven’t mentioned, didn’t mean everything to me.

You are everything to me.

Thanks for everything.

Thank you very much.

You have made my life such a wonderful live to be fit in J

Friends, thanks for your understanding. It makes me feel appreciated. And right as well.

me and my favourite things

aku suka bicara. ya, hobiku memang bicara. aku tak bisa berhenti bicara sejak kecil. ibuku saja pusing mendengarkan aku. belum lagi keluargaku yang lain. tak hanya itu, tetangga-tetangga yang kukenal juga sudah lelah mendengarkan aku yang tak berhenti bicara ini.

lebih dari bicara, aku suka berbincang. aku amat senang bertemu orang baru setiap harinya, kemudian berbincang dengan mereka. aku selalu ingin mengetahui hal-hal baru yang menantang, yang tak pernah kukenal sebelumnya. ketika aku bertemu dengan orang baru, aku tak bisa berhenti bertanya. bertanya mengenai dirinya, atau apapun saja yang ingin aku tanyakan.

kadang, aku malah bertanya sesuatu yang amat aneh untuk diperbincangkan dengan orang yang baru saja dikenal. seperti contohnya,
"clar, kalo udah gede lo pengen jadi apa?"
atau
"lo percaya karma?"
atau
"buat lo, mendingan hidup untuk kerja, atau kerja untuk hidup?"

bagiku, semua orang adalah narasumber yang harus diwawancara. aku selalu haus untuk mengetahuin apa isi pikiran mereka. apa keinginan mereka. apa cita-cita mereka. jika aku diberi kekuatan untuk melakukan apapun, mungkin aku ingin tahu apa isi dari pikiran semua orang.. (selain menciptakan kedamaian dan kebahagiaan di bumi :)

mungkin orang menganggap aku dan hobiku itu aneh.. ya, biarlah, itu aspirasi mereka. biarlah aku dan aspirasiku terbang jauh mengangkasa di pikiranku.

kebiasaanku yang lain adalah, cuci tangan. karena tangan adalah sumber kuman, jadi aku selalu membiasakan diriku untuk cuci tangan sesering mungkin :) dengan begitu, aku merasa bersih setiap saat.

dan kebiasaanku yang lain lagi adalah membuat riset. riset kecil-kecilan yang ditujukan untuk teman-teman sekelasku. riset tentang apa saja, politik, ekonomi, budaya, filosofi, cinta, metafisika atau apapun yang menyenangkan, yang menurutku layak dipertanyakan..

aku juga suka menulis. bagiku, menulis adalah menyalurkan pikiran. karena kadang-kadang, aku tak bisa mengandalkan mulutku untuk berbicara. banyak hal dalam hidupku, yang lebih mudah diungkapkan dalam tulisan. apalagi ketika aku tak punya siapa-siapa untuk bercerita, tapi dadaku rasanya amat sesak untuk menampung emosi. menulis, adalah jalan yang amat baik untuk mencurahkan isi hati..

aku suka melihat lukisan dan foto.. di dalamnya tersimpan karya seni yang indah luar biasa. menyimpan makna dalam setiap guratan. belum lagi teknik indah dalam pembuatannya. lukisan dan foto juga bisa menjadi curahan hati sebagian orang. di dalamnya, kita bisa menyampaikan pesan kepada orang lain.. lukisan dan foto yang indah, juga dapat membangkitkan semangat orang lain.. what a great things!

aku suka mendengarkan musik. it's entertaining, especially in the times of trouble. it helps me much! musik, adalah salah satu hal yang membuat hidup ini jadi berwarna.. aku suka berbagi cerita dengan orang lain.. berbagi pikiran dengan orang lain membuatku bisa melihat dunia dengan lebih jelas. dengan lebih terperinci. dengan lebih adil. dan 'dengan-dengan' yang lainnya.. itu semua adalah caraku untuk menikmati dunia..