Whenever we were on a fight, there was too many times I found myself asking whether all of these are worth our struggle –or whether we are even meant to be together? There were moments I questioned myself, if I could do it for a long term, whether we would be happy regardless, or even if marriage was for me. I felt weak and torn whenever we had a tough argument. I just could not stand you being mad at me. I am hopeless.

Role Model

I grew up feeling different to most people, even to my peers. Yes, I complain a lot, all the time. Thought it was because of my perfectionism, as I wanted everything to be perfect according to my standard, and yes my standard is high. My closest friends always wish me the same thing on my birthday: gratitude. It seems like everything in the world was always wrong for me, I am just this ungrateful person that is in dire need to learn growing up in others’ shoes who are not as privileged as I am.

And yes, I do try my best to change, I still do, realizing how that attitude has made my life so difficult, and made it very difficult to create a content, happy feeling deep inside.

Although, the more I think about it, I really want to ask if it was me who has a very high standard or is it the rest of the people here have a very low standard that they could compromise on many things.

I have been to many hospitals ever since I was infected by Hepatitis A back in July 2011. I was hospitalized for almost two weeks, and that was my first experience being treated in a serious medication as I also suffered Dengue and Typhoid. Last year, I had been to 3 otolaryngologists (expert for ear, nose and throat) in one hospital due to my hearing impairment (yes, even when I caught bad flu, I would be losing some ability to hear well). In the same year, I injured my ligament that it was torn; I had my lymph nodes swollen, and so many digestion problems.  

And so I have been to many, many hospitals and felt like I was being wronged by the medical expertise and service providers. In one hospital, they would change the doctor’s schedule just an hour before its original schedule. In the same hospital, they could not confirm if the doctor will be on leave just 1,5 hours before its original practice schedule. I needed to wait for 1 hour just to be checked by a doctor despite getting the first queue. Oh, and in fact this morning I waited 40 minutes to get my bills taken care of. I even got two contrasting views for my torn ligament. I just couldn’t believe how other patients could bear with such treatment. It was just unbelievable!

I mean, seriously, people do have jobs, and they can’t just leave the job to afford 1,5 hours waiting time, or to be left with such uncertainty given the tight schedule at work. Or what about people living so far away and they got one-way ticket to go to the hospital because that’s all they have that day? What if they have gone to the hospital only to find out that the doctor is not coming?

The more I travel to developed countries, like what I just did to Australia, I simply could not understand why our country could not perform the way they did. We impose such big taxes for our houses, incomes, everything, basically. But how do they end up with great public transportation and we don’t? And how do you expect me not to complain for such low standard that we posses? Aren’t we supposed to be better than that?

I really, really feel uneasy about these stuff and people tell me to shut up and think positive, which I did. I mean, I am grateful to be able to afford the medical treatment, although I feel so sorry for those who have less money and I believe they are treated worse.

Not so sure how I got all these burning emotion, but I am deeply mad about the way we perform things here. And I haven’t really mentioned how it is in the workforce: people do things just because. They don’t really put any heart, thoughts into many things. As a result, you’ll be devastated looking at the quality of work.

However, when I met Meilani today, just like what I always got whenever I met her, I became embarrassed of how I failed to be able to see things positively the way I should. She is very close to God, she prays for every single thing and she embraces challenges depending on Him. It made a difference, I can tell you.

From all her stories, you know she is blessed, not because of the wealth she generated from her hard work, but for the smile she puts on her face all the time –even when things are so tough, she would remember what she prayed for and she knew it was God’s way of helping her. So she felt God’s grace every time she asked. Every time. In many different ways. She would boost you with so much positive energy.

It is funny how she mentioned praying for a more mature self, and how she was reminded when she faced one issue at work and was about to burst, that it was God’s way of making her to become more emotionally stable. It is funny how she would pray to God to help her in a silly situation and God answered her directly at the same time.

She saw a challenge as an opportunity. That is what is meant by positivity. And as much as I tried to become positive, I felt ashamed for my failure because I got tempted all the time and most of the time I fell into that temptation: getting so angry for so many things that did not turn out the way I wanted.

It shall not be another unfulfilled promise. 2016 is the year to be better. It gotta start somewhere, right? And I feel blessed for being able to get such great role model as a start.

Productive Jan!

To be done in January:

- Explore Grad School

- Explore opportunities for collaboration with Helga, Arto

- Explore detailed partnership with Sano and Kumala

Let's be productive, this time early!

2015 Reflection

It’s the time of the year when you’re supposed to another reflection of the passed year! How time flies. It felt like yesterday when I decided to leave YLI, a place that I called home, my comfortable zone and shelter, which also shaped me up professionally.

I remember exactly that I wrote the same piece last year when I was still in the office, when I got time to do it. Nowadays life is quite different; I don’t really have the time to write as much as I was before. But I do feel thankful for what have happened and for what I’ve been through this year.

When I look back and reflect, I now feel confident leaving YLI, which was a big step in my life since it’s a great place to work, network and develop my personal side (especially with the great people and environment). However, now that I am in a bank with more stakeholders to manage and build relationships with, alongside its complications and steep curve, I knew why I left and it was for a good reason. I do learn what I would otherwise not have learned in YLI.

This year also marked another transformation in “our relationship” whereby we experienced a lot more ups and downs rather than a steady interaction like it was before. Yet, with those “roller coaster” rides, we are surer that we can keep holding on. So yes, I am hopeful and optimistic things can get better.

God, thank You for the wonderful blessings, and for taking care of me. I am forever grateful for what You have done in my life.

Jakarta makin sinting. Pengguna jalan makin brutal, ganas, dan kehilangan kemanusiaannya. Saat ini supir taksi yang baru saja menabrakkan spionnya ke sesama supir taksi dari perusahaan yang sama dengan tenangnya membetulkan kaca spion, tanpa minta maaf atau merasa risih. Ketidaksabaran menjadi bahasa sehari-hari. Keramahan, sopan santun, semuanya cuma di kamus saja. 

I love it whenever you hug me from the back, I fall directly to a deep sleep.

Being an idealist kills me many times. I feel bitter, I feel way too disappointed with the world, with the people. I am fatigue. 

All I ever hope is for things to fall into places. Well I do demand certainty, but I guess I am being selfish.