Far From Jealousy

Seeing people like Jamie Oliver, Nigella Lawson, and other amazing chefs unconsciously holds my breath. They are just few people that I perceive as "truly happy". They know what they love, they are doing what they love, and it's never ordinary. And so do those who are doing great job as an athlete because they love swimming, running. Those who become photographer because they love photography. Those who become film maker because they love filming. The list goes on. 

I wish I could find what I love and spent the rest of my life doing it. Just like those geniuses in their own expertise. 

This does not start the Sunday beautifully, but what can I say? 

Marriage

The more I grow up, the more I get to realize that marriage is definitely not a simple thing. Ever since I was a little kid, all I want to do was to get married and be happily ever after. I thought marriage equals to long-live-happinness and eternal peace. This thought evolved from one time to another, though. I still remember writing about how I changed my perception over marriage when I was still in high school, but I decided to keep believing in the beauty of it. Until these days. 

Well, I still want to get married. I really do. I just want to re-think it over and over again before I say yes to the guy who will ask my hand in marriage. The fights I have with him, the problems we are facing as couple, to the struggle my mom had in handling her three kiddos and strange husband - all of them are just TOO overwhelming. 

I began to notice that marriage really needs hard work. It is not as simple as I thought before. You do need to settle down with the guy, who will most likely be different from you in a lot of ways. Although this one could definitely be minimized, trust me there's no same person on earth. We got way too many combination of characteristics in human, you can't possibly rule them out (by that I mean the differences). 

And how does that difference dominate your marriage life? It does, especially when you do not have the patience, and the same agenda to calm the egos down. Beyond that, difference within perspectives would seriously kill you if you choose to stand on principle. Come on, there's no way a kid can be educated with two kind of religions. Parents' treatment is no difference, I would humbly say. 

People changed a lot these days, and so the way we raise kids, with all the entertainments, information, and technology. My little brother is definitely a good example of how the world has changed. Me and my sister never had problems with schools. One of two naughtiness but that's it. We never failed any subject, nor scores, and certainly not grades. Hopefully, my brother won't too. Yet, looking at what he did just now (lying all the time, failing so many tests, and breaking my mom's heart), I began to question what's so different in his and our time as sisters?

Perhaps, the technology explains. Perhaps the tradition explains. Perhaps the change of habits explains. I don't know. I am not sure. My BF would say, this kid is being spoiled. I do agree, but is that all? Again, I don't know. 

Oh, I beg your pardon. This is seriously just a piece of junk. I can't focus to do things I began to scribble down some wishy washy talk. Forget everything I just said, will you? :D

Love? Or Else?

Of all the differences we have, there is only one thing we have in common: stubbornness. Then, it only leaves us with one thing to stay together, among thousands of reasons to separate: love. 

I am just tired of your doubt in me. I just want to be trusted, and accepted for who I am – a thing that I supposed you never did, because perhaps I really am not the one for you, as you said. You wanted somebody else, and I am not that somebody. I am not the one who can make you happy, I am not the one who can take care for you, give you the attention you need, understand you, and discuss things with you.

Now, I am in despair. I am used to it, but not today, and not yesterday, and not the other day. It is killing me now. It created a big hole inside, empty, and dark.

Is it love? Or is it only ego? You left me wondering. Why can’t we be nice to each other? Why can’t we be just like another couple that share love and be happy, who can accept each other for what they really are? Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel?

“It is darkest before they turn the light,” people said. I hope it’s true. 

Really?

G: "There are so many times I feel like giving up, but I don't know why I can't let him go."

D: "You love him. I wish my girl had half the love you have for your man, and 1/10 of your fighting spirit to make things work."

I was flattered that one of my friends actually said that when I was seriously down fighting with him. Again. At least somebody realizes my devotion. Not the one that I wish he would, but at least someone does. 

However, now, I know I am being such a pain in the ass. I am being stubborn. Again. 

Well, do you know how it feels, crying for 2,5 hours and being left alone? I do. I feel like I am not being loved. Oh, please. I do not need to mention all the things he did. It was just overwhelming. I know I made mistakes. Bad ones, but that does not mean I do not deserve respect or pity. 

Oh, am I defending myself again, now?

Yaaaaay!

Hell-o October! 

Finally, after 4 days of endurance, and one year of making, I can proudly say that it is a wrap for Indonesia MUN 2012!

Despite the challenges, we all did a marvelous job.

Couldn't be happier :) :) :) :)

One more to go. Keep fighting, Gadis!

Divortiare and Twivortiare

"Mungkin benar apa yang dikatakan orang-orang. Opposite attracts, but two people who are so much alike are just like magnets with the same pole. Kesamaan itu justru menjadi pemecah, ibarat magnet berkutub sama yang akan saling tolak-menolak. Seperti Super man yang tidak akan pernah bisa berdekatan dengan kryptonite walaupun keduanya berasal dari planet yang sama. When togetherness and unification turn into destruction. Maybe it takes physical attraction, intellectual intercourse, a very happy mariage, then a cold, bitter ending to make us realize that we are really each other's kryptonite."

That was how I started to feel disturbed (in a positive way) by the book that Faela kindly gave me. Divortiare. It told me the struggle of one widow, that decided to divorce her husband after 2 years of marriage. Alexandra, a busy banker, was married to this cardiothoracic surgeon who is also busy like hell. They were trapped in the metropolitan with crazy working hours and traffic, with no time for each other. It then began to shake their vessel. From one fight to another, to the year when they barely spoke. So she gave up, feeling that she could never be his first priority nor attention. And the book spilled every detail about her struggle after the divorce. How she hardly opened her heart for anyone. How she, without even noticed, was still deeply in love with her ex-husband despite the grunts inside her heart. 

Which I found very intriguing, since I felt her devastation over my relationship with my dear heart. It is such a coincidental that Alex and Beno are like me and him in so many ways. The way we fight, the way we miss each other, the way we reconcile after a fight, and many other small details. Long story short, they loved each other badly, yet the differences they had, along with the egos built a wall around their heart, hindering them from admitting that they wanted to make efforts to save the relationship. They had 8 years of age gap between them too, by the way. And know what does it take?

"Older men tend to be more secure with themselves and their lives. Jadi nggak butuh eksis di mana gitu untuk merasa dia utuh."

or...

"Jadi hidupnya tenang. He knows what he wants and brings real meaning in his life, and that's all that he cares about. Nggak ribet."

Sounds a lot like someone I love?

Not only that, I was shocked by the words that her best friend, Wina, said to her when they were having a huge fight.

"That pretty much sounds like 'cinta mati' to me ;)".

or...

"If you look at it from a point of view that you're stuck with this guy forever, yeah it's kinda scary. But if you look at if from a point of view that you love this guy so much and he feels the same way, isn't that what everybody wants, Lex? To be stuck for good with the one love of their life? You wanna know something? Selama ini, tiap lo datang ke gue dengan cerita masalah lo dengan Beno, bahwa lo abis berantem, abis kabur-kaburan segala macem, sejujurnya gue nggak pernah terlalu khawatir. Deep down, I always knew that everything will be alright. No matter how much in trouble you both are with each other, somehow I knew that eventually everything will be alright. Gue orang luar dan gue aja bisa lihat bahwa apa yang lo punya sama Beno itu terlalu kuat untuk digoyahkan sama masalah apa pun yang lo berdua hadapi. Ujung-ujungnya lo berdua pasti balik lagi. Bukan gue yang ada di dalam hubungan lo berdua, dan gue bisa merasakan kuatnya ikatan di antara lo berdua itu, Lex. Masa lo sendiri nggak? I think I have said this to you before: what matters is that he loves you. And you love him. Fuck everything else."

Gosh, know you know how much I feel so 'jleb' reading it ? That quotes definitely sound like someone, right? (You know who you are).

Do you notice now how similar our story is, now? Of course there are differences : their backgrounds, status, and other things as well. But when I get to the second book, Twivortiare, I no longer can imagine how Ika Natassa, the author of this book, created all this. Because most of the situations she disclosed were seriously close to what I have now! They both finally got back together, remarried, and undertook their best efforts to stay together.

So yes, she had successfully attracted me that much with the metro pop story - a thing that I would not prefer these days - because she truly put everything into details, making the story even more alive. The way she brought everything very lightly, yet sweet and funny at the same time, drew me even nearer. Not to mention, each and every quotes left me in questions about my relationship. Here is another example I take from her second book (on Alexandra) :

"Marriage equals work. It doesn't just happen. There will never be anyone whom we can call a perfect match. Everybody's different. In dealing with differences, egos play a huge part. Orang yang sama persis sama kita aja pasti bisa jadi nyebelin, apalagi orang yang beda sama kita. Beno and I? 180 degrees difference. Tapi gue inget he once said to me, 'Kita nggak bisa maksain orang supaya sama kaya kita. Terima aja perbedaan itu sebagai perbedaan kepribadian.' Him: 'Asalkan perbedaan itu murni kepribadian aja dan nggak melanggar values kita, diterima aja, Lex. People are human, not some machine we can control... Main rulenya: jangan jadiin differences itu alasan untuk ngeluarin emosi dan starting a conflict'. "

Funny thing was, in Twivortiare, she only described the whole strory through tweets. Hundreds of pages, just the tweets of Alexandra's busy, yet romantic life. But she can still leave the spark on her readers to stay interested with the story. From the response I have read, most of the readers even think that every thing was real - that Alexandra and Beno are true characters in life. Her way of writing, not many people can do that, so, I am pretty sure Ika Natassa has her own magic to work on.

Whenever you can bewitch your readers about one story till they can sense a true person and even impersonate the character, for me, you do certainly have the skill. So, bravo, Ika Natassa. You seriously made me addicted to everything you wrote.

Thank you! And special thanks to Faelasufa :) I wish you all the best of luck wherever you are!

P.S. This is the picture of the book I read, along with the notes I put on them. You know now how deep it made me feel. 

Thinking Beyond The Box

“Punya tujuan hidup harus yang transenden dong..”

Kalimat tersebut, dan sederet petuah-petuah lainnya. Petuah yang selalu membuat hatiku berbunga dan merasa bergelora. Simply karena itu datang dari seorang dia. Dan bukan hanya itu, karena disitulah aku merasa dihargai, dan terlebih dicintai. Semua kepenatan kini tak lagi jadi keruwetan yang berarti. Karena rupanya itulah ruang yang sedang berusaha diciptakan untuk diisinya kemudian. 

Hidup ini begitu buram dan disesaki terlalu banyak pertanyaan. Dan dia datang menjadikan semuanya begitu jelas. Walaupun masih ada banyak keraguan di kepala, aku ingin bergegas menjalankan berbagai rencana, yang memang terdorong oleh petuah sejenis yang dilontarkannya. 

Semua gelora tadi memang tidak membuat semuanya kemudian menjadi mudah. Banyak pekerjaan rumah menumpuk untuk diselesaikan. Diri ini pun masih carut-marut butuh perbaikan. Ah, tapi apapun itu, hidup ini perlu dimaknai dengan positif. Pasti ada saatnya untuk membangun. Diri sendiri dan orang lain. Setidaknya, sekarang dapat dimulai perlahan, kan?