Life's Update (finally after soooo many months)

Oh well.. It's been forever since my last post...

And while there were too many things happening in between, I am just forever grateful that I am still alive and intact.

I think the biggest differences happened because of Happy5. With the abundant time flexibility, the great people I work with; I had the chance to travel, read books I've been wanting to read, meet and talk to people, reconnect, explore myself and have a little bit of inner peace. And the journey has been wonderful.

Although there are times when I feel bored, and not-so-productive (unlike my usual state in the past), this company does more good than harm to my life. Oh, and at the end of the day, you can't really complain for God's blessings the entire time.

Really, I mean, the more I travel, the more I feel grateful to be born in this country that is now presenting countless opportunities for us to explore countless things. Don't get me wrong, I do agree it's a concrete jungle here, but overall, there are too many things that are way too precious to just ignore.

To always be in a constant search of self, I learn how much I like to cook to kill time, how much I like to be recognized for my work, and how uncertainty can get you stronger than ever. I am still being myself: stubborn, emotional, expressive, impatient and of course, annoying. But I feel like I am more in control of myself, which is good, I hope. And I tried to eliminate a lot of annoying things from my emotional state, just to stay sane and intact.

I hiked, which I totally loved (with the ups and downs --they're the ones that make it memorable).

And probably Shonda Rhimes' The Year of Saying Yes really woke me up. It's just an inconvenient fact that we can never have it all. WE JUST CAN'T. We will always miss things in all kind of decisions. It's so relevant to the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) trend that is now sooooo prevalent with the emerging social media behavior. But that's exactly what will make us regret our lives, however imperfect and perfect it is. We will just never get satisfied with what we have, because we will keep on comparing while the truth was just as simple as that other people miss out on other things.

Of course, you will always have to improve. Life is not perfect, doh?????

BUT I AM HAPPY. I AM CONTENT. I made the right decision to move out of a very negative environment. And I am not worried about the future of the company, because we are all in great Hands, sticking together. And this will only make us stronger.

Being a foot soldier, there are many times we don't understand why the company does this and that, agains our beliefs, against our preference, things that do not make any sense to us. We do not really understand why we get only little adjustment this year, especially compared to last year, especially when we have showed better performance along this year.

As a leader, it is never easy to juggle between tidying up, pushing performance, inspiring the team members and coaching at the same time. Leaders, like any other human beings miss a little bit here and there. At the end of the day, you can't do it all, and you can't please everyone.

The gap in between is the thing that makes a difference. Either you address that gap, or you don't -take things for granted, which is certainly going to get worse.

The foot soldiers would not feel happy, they feel like they have been taken for granted, that they are under appreciated, and that the company does not care about that. What they have yet to understand is that the leader was trying to organize the system, take care some of the mess that happened before them, including the liabilities that were not settled previously. As a result, to cover up all the losses and liabilities, there were only few left to be disbursed across the organization, hence the small adjustment. It is beyond just appreciation.

How are you going to fill in that gap, then? Do you even want to address it?

If people have been wondering where I am today, I am having the moment of my life: trying to help companies address their communication issues rather than letting it unsettled. At the end of the day, people crave for direction and logical reasons behind everything. If we understand where the company is heading, where we are going as an organization, it shall help to align our goals towards that. Or even leave, if that's what's best.

I am chilling out, more than usual. But I do hope I still create the impact I dream to deliver. Fingers crossed.

Acupuncture Session, The Earth, Ourselves

Today marks the 9^th session of my acupuncture schedule. Just like any other relationship that gets deeper over time, our conversation evolves from talking about my health to the traffic to the economy, and today about the environment. We were talking about how damaged the earth has been, yet nothing concrete has taken place in a massive scale to act upon it.

The fact struck me. I was just involved in another conversation the previous day about how blessed our generations are with the advancement in technology that allows us to grab too many opportunities to figure out who we are and what we want to be, not to mention thet endless possibilities anywhere we go, or any path we take.  

The only focus of our conversation was just how one individual could benefit, creating impact to the surroundings, but to fulfill one’s purpose in life –not to give back.

There are too many times we think about ourselves. As a human being myself, I understand how we are raised around the idea of growing ourselves, being someone useful and successful. Not many people were raised with the value of giving back, or preserving the nature –for that matters.

I could go on with another discussion on how sucks our education and parenting system that we fail to teach our children with the most practical and useful skills that are relevant to what we need: decision making, stress-coping, career-building, even problem solving.

But the most important issue that I want to highlight here is that we simply haven’t realized the utmost critical problem as a human being, we still seek to please ourselves by “trying to find” the best opportunities that will most benefit us while the earth is suffering to its death. Yes, just like human being, the earth is dying, and it’s waiting for the time to extinct. Tick, tock.

What we have yet to realized is also the fact that what we do as an individual matter. In fact, our consumption pattern is one key ingredients to its extinction. Modernity has brought simplicity and practicality in every aspect of our lives, that the supermarket we go to, due to the increased demand, ask their suppliers to feed them with more and more supplies. So they invented stockbreeding: even wild animal like salmon is now being breed (gossip spread is that you can choose the color of your breed salmon). The quality of the food is compromised, but that’s they only way to meet the demand, even if it means to transport that from a faraway place that cost tons of carbon footprints.

We do not really grow our own vegetables anymore, although it equals to healthier lifestyle. We do not use environmentally friendly this and that (which is now plenty) because we are not used to. We still use plastic, even though it’s broadcasted to have polluted our air and water.

Something’s gotta change. And despite the news and research, there’s so little being done to address this, which is pitiful. And so my acupuncturist argued it’s because of the political interests of big companies that drive governments of the world to do this and that, and not to do this and that –because their interest is at stake.

My point is, let’s not rely on anybody. Just rely on ourselves. Start thinking from ourselves. Stop thinking about benefitting from others. Begin to benefit others.

Whenever we were on a fight, there was too many times I found myself asking whether all of these are worth our struggle –or whether we are even meant to be together? There were moments I questioned myself, if I could do it for a long term, whether we would be happy regardless, or even if marriage was for me. I felt weak and torn whenever we had a tough argument. I just could not stand you being mad at me. I am hopeless.

Role Model

I grew up feeling different to most people, even to my peers. Yes, I complain a lot, all the time. Thought it was because of my perfectionism, as I wanted everything to be perfect according to my standard, and yes my standard is high. My closest friends always wish me the same thing on my birthday: gratitude. It seems like everything in the world was always wrong for me, I am just this ungrateful person that is in dire need to learn growing up in others’ shoes who are not as privileged as I am.

And yes, I do try my best to change, I still do, realizing how that attitude has made my life so difficult, and made it very difficult to create a content, happy feeling deep inside.

Although, the more I think about it, I really want to ask if it was me who has a very high standard or is it the rest of the people here have a very low standard that they could compromise on many things.

I have been to many hospitals ever since I was infected by Hepatitis A back in July 2011. I was hospitalized for almost two weeks, and that was my first experience being treated in a serious medication as I also suffered Dengue and Typhoid. Last year, I had been to 3 otolaryngologists (expert for ear, nose and throat) in one hospital due to my hearing impairment (yes, even when I caught bad flu, I would be losing some ability to hear well). In the same year, I injured my ligament that it was torn; I had my lymph nodes swollen, and so many digestion problems.  

And so I have been to many, many hospitals and felt like I was being wronged by the medical expertise and service providers. In one hospital, they would change the doctor’s schedule just an hour before its original schedule. In the same hospital, they could not confirm if the doctor will be on leave just 1,5 hours before its original practice schedule. I needed to wait for 1 hour just to be checked by a doctor despite getting the first queue. Oh, and in fact this morning I waited 40 minutes to get my bills taken care of. I even got two contrasting views for my torn ligament. I just couldn’t believe how other patients could bear with such treatment. It was just unbelievable!

I mean, seriously, people do have jobs, and they can’t just leave the job to afford 1,5 hours waiting time, or to be left with such uncertainty given the tight schedule at work. Or what about people living so far away and they got one-way ticket to go to the hospital because that’s all they have that day? What if they have gone to the hospital only to find out that the doctor is not coming?

The more I travel to developed countries, like what I just did to Australia, I simply could not understand why our country could not perform the way they did. We impose such big taxes for our houses, incomes, everything, basically. But how do they end up with great public transportation and we don’t? And how do you expect me not to complain for such low standard that we posses? Aren’t we supposed to be better than that?

I really, really feel uneasy about these stuff and people tell me to shut up and think positive, which I did. I mean, I am grateful to be able to afford the medical treatment, although I feel so sorry for those who have less money and I believe they are treated worse.

Not so sure how I got all these burning emotion, but I am deeply mad about the way we perform things here. And I haven’t really mentioned how it is in the workforce: people do things just because. They don’t really put any heart, thoughts into many things. As a result, you’ll be devastated looking at the quality of work.

However, when I met Meilani today, just like what I always got whenever I met her, I became embarrassed of how I failed to be able to see things positively the way I should. She is very close to God, she prays for every single thing and she embraces challenges depending on Him. It made a difference, I can tell you.

From all her stories, you know she is blessed, not because of the wealth she generated from her hard work, but for the smile she puts on her face all the time –even when things are so tough, she would remember what she prayed for and she knew it was God’s way of helping her. So she felt God’s grace every time she asked. Every time. In many different ways. She would boost you with so much positive energy.

It is funny how she mentioned praying for a more mature self, and how she was reminded when she faced one issue at work and was about to burst, that it was God’s way of making her to become more emotionally stable. It is funny how she would pray to God to help her in a silly situation and God answered her directly at the same time.

She saw a challenge as an opportunity. That is what is meant by positivity. And as much as I tried to become positive, I felt ashamed for my failure because I got tempted all the time and most of the time I fell into that temptation: getting so angry for so many things that did not turn out the way I wanted.

It shall not be another unfulfilled promise. 2016 is the year to be better. It gotta start somewhere, right? And I feel blessed for being able to get such great role model as a start.