Beyond Lucky

I am too lucky to have this guy as a partner. How lucky? Lucky enough to spend a short time after his long day at work (16 straight hours) to eat our favorite food and get my crab taken care of -right when his next long flight is exactly in 12 hours.

Who else would do that to me?

Heavy

Well, I kinda of didn't expect myself to be this gloomy. As a matter of fact, some things are fine, nothing much to be worried about. But yes, I am in my negative mood. I just turn gold into mud whenever it happens.

I began to worry much about my personal relationships, focus on the things that frustrated me, or start imagining things (bad ones). I then developed this suspicion that might be entirely wrong. 

Quite messed up? Indeed.

Now, am just afraid that I would lose him because of my weirdness. Oh....

Sleepover

So happy to reconnect with Alda after quite a while. This is quality time. You just talk endlessly without the need to worry about time. You exchange ideas, share problems and solutions, be there for each other. 

Although I ended up thinking about a lot of stuffs that probaly I shouldn't bother, I feel so glad that we spend the night together, watching two extremely different movies and enjoyed each other's company. 

I wish I could do that with you. 

Excuses

You always find excuses in everything you failed doing. You said 'work is crazy' and that is enough to prevent you from taking care of yourself: eat healthy, exercise regularly, have enough sleep. You lie to yourself. What a liar.

Marriage

Another friend of mine is getting married. Nowadays, it seems like each month is filled with those happy news. Certainly, people ask when my turn is going to be, and I would tell them, again and again, it might still be a long shot for me. Not because I don't think he is not the one. Not at all, but since we are still in the early stage of relationship and there is no rush, we might as well get to know each other deeper before even thinking about going to the next step.

However, if I can be very frank, I think now I am leaning more towards confused than clear if I totally understand what it means to be married. Yes, I do imagine my wedding day all the time, or waking up with someone you love next to you, going to beautiful places together, not having to be alone forever, or raising kids together, but..what is marriage? What is this institution all about? What does it mean? And what are the consequences?

If I thought I have always wanted to get married, have I thoroughly thought this through? Or I am just as clueless as many of my peers?

Now, I am not so sure I truly understand what it means. In fact, I need to revisit the whole thing before having a say on it. 

I simply don't want to be lost. Not for the rest of my life.

This is what happened when you barely slept for a week but you promised a family to organize a lunch :p

Aku sedang bertumbuh. Sedang di persimpangan. Di tempat di mana menjadi naif dan menerima realita beradu pandangan. Rasanya ingin aku jadi kerdil saja. Tidak perlu bertumbuh dalam suasana serba tidak nyaman begini. Aku terus ingin berkubang dalam kolam kenyamanan, tanpa perlu menggubris lalu lalang orang yang berkeliaran.

Aku benci bertumbuh. Tapi aku harus. Aku tidak punya pilihan. 

Kalau aku benar ingin jadi lilin, aku perlu dibakar untuk dapat memberi guna. 

Dan sekali saja berpikir dunia ini tidak melulu mengenai diriku.

Happy Birthday, Dearest Teguh Situmorang