Dia adalah makna 'misterius' yang sesungguhnya. Tak banyak kata terlontar dari mulutnya. Ekspresi pun tak banyak bicara. Entah apa yang bisa menaklukannya. 

Beloved.

Ada yang berbeda dari interaksi ini. Ini bukan yang biasa kutemukan di banyak tempat. Bukan juga yang kuimajinasikan dalam kepala. Aku pun tak tahu apa maknanya. Membingungkan, tapi kubiarkan juga. 

Optimistic?

Work has never been crazier. Maybe it has, but I have never been worse (professionally). Am not trying to be snob here, but I have always been on top of everything I do. I was a leader of my own self, but now? Look at me: I am nothing but a loser. Constantly making mistakes, repeatedly getting complaints, I am completely choking.

This idea of stretching is burning me out severely. On one hand, I want to be stretched to my maximum capacity, but this is definitely more than what I can chew already.

What may have gone unnoticed is the fact that I am getting near to slavery, and I feel okay about it. Someone has instilled this idea in my mind that being young is a virtue and it’s certainly time to stretch. Another person would say that I found a problem, then it is a must to be part of the solution: get your hands dirty on it. So then I accepted the challenges, with the readiness in mind, but no serious engine to support my imagination. Turns out, I am not who I thought I was, and this is just the beginning of my ‘falling apart’ journey.

Oh yes, my best friend would say it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, but really?

But this intriguing idea came from my boss, actually. She was saying how these challenges are intoxicating –that’s exactly how someone ended up being workaholic, and I totally agree. After all, it’s human’s ambition to excel, to prove how one brings value to the work that he/she does, that become the fuel driving people to (over) perform. It’s the want and need to overkill, that challenges are seen as opportunity to showcase impact and ability. Some, unfortunately, ended up like me –now known as those who then compromise on quality when faced with 5-6 work streams at the same time.

These past 7/8 months are clearly toughening me up. I become much more aware of myself, my strengths, development areas, how I prioritize, how I handle stress, much more than what I thought I knew before. Being disappointed is inevitable, but hey, leaders are defined on how they get back up after they fall, right?

Till We Meet Again

A dear friend of mine shared the beautiful evening with me, leaving me with a list of deep, meaningful line of words; one of which goes like this: 

"Focus on the big picture. While we're young, our objective is to learn, not to earn."

Beyond that, she handed me a book called 'Love Wins' by Rob Bell, indeed a love was all around.

Thank you Faela, till we meet again.

Taking Things For Granted

A joke on the Mount Kelud eruption coming out of a mouth of young teenager quickly caught my attention. They were laughing freely when a friend mentioned how diving through the caldera would be challenging compared to casual dive in the water. Despite having no idea how they could laugh on not-so-funny joke, I was overwhelmed by the idea of how people got so used to take things for granted. They did not know how meaningful life could have been, were they victims of the disaster, so that they could make something funny out of the incidents that killed so many, and ruined people's houses and treasures. 

But then a cold war with someone I care about really strucked me into reality, how I, actually took things for granted so many times, sometimes without knowing. These whole times, I have always thought I made so many sacrifices for people till it blinded me to see the sacrifices other people made for me. I got too comfortable having people accepting me for who I am, that made me forgot that in many times, I was rude and disrespectful. 

Taking things for granted has become a specialty people master these days. We forgot that however women try to compete with man, menstrual routine is something that forces women to deal with something differently than men do. We forgot the privileges we have without bothering to see if other people took extra efforts to attain the same thing we have. Surely, there's so many things we forgot. That is exactly how we start taking things for granted and be best at doing it. Because there are just too many blessings to count, and it's simple to regard them as a courtesy. 

Now, I realized what I did wrong. I have been such a selfish bitch my whole life. I did wrong to those I claim to love dearly. I did injustice to those I deeply care about. I took them for granted and it doesn't feel right.

I am sorry.. I truly am.

Silly

Again, I am losing my ability to express my feelings through writing. What a bad, bad stage I am in. So confused, galau, ineffective, I wish I could just sleep and wake up when I succeed. Haha.. What a silly dream to start the morning with, Gadis!

Somethin Sweet

It's just nonchalantly sweet..

The time spent together..

For A New Chapter....

Ada yang berkata bahwa kamu sudah memiliki kekasih yang lain. Tentu hatiku tergores karenanya, tapi aku pernah berjanji padamu untuk melepas dan merelakan. Termasuk melihatmu bahagia bersama yang lain.

Selamat jalan.. Selamat menempuh perjalanan yang baru.. 

Impulsive is My Middle Name

(As if I have last name)

If only I could just cry and let it out. It is just too painful to bear. 

Funny

It is so funny how life works. Why do some people spend so much time thinking about someone who does not even care? But to make things worse, why do they ignore the ones that love them dearly?

Speechless. And it's been like this for I am not sure how long.