Just Don't Know

It is very weird; the fact that you feel very tired, but you can't fall to sleep. The harder you work, the more tired you feel, the harder you get to sleep each night. I can't figure it out why. Working has been tough, relationship as always is in a bitter stage, am always wondering if this will ever go right. There were times in the past when I felt really joyful, when I smiled during the day because I truly felt blessed, but now it's barely impossible to have that. 

My brain, as usual has been working tirelessly, worrying about every bit of life. 

We know even since the very first start, that we are way too different. Yet, I once agreed to compromised to the tiniest piece of his life. Maybe I was born to be dominant too. Maybe I am meant to be this strong-headed. I really have no clue. All I know it's just that there is a possibility that things just can't work well between us. It is way too possible that we don't belong to each other despite the struggle we have been through. 

Because there will always be times when I feel empty, there will be times when I just want to escape, or end this up, I don't know. I just don't know. 

Lazy Time

One privilege Saturday for me is the one which allows you to wake up late, enjoy a fresh orange juice with blueberry muffin, chat with your neighbours, yet still manage to reflect and listen to some Jack Johnson's.

So I finally have time time to do that despite the pile up work I and a bunch of to do lists or appointments. It is relaxing, but I still don't find it so satisfying. Noy because I have to be alone in most of the occassion during that time (because I hate being alone), but because I still feel not productive - Haven't produced any writings eventhough a lot of things is going back and forth in my mind. 

You just feel sleepy and full and happy and lazy. A condition that always paralyzes human, that is. And we can always find out how that mechanism is used everywhere and create ignorance.

Oh, am I getting drunk or what?

Tell Me!

How do you define selfish when it comes to relationship? When someone takes too much control? When someone decides too often? Or what, actually?

Honestly, I am clueless over that idea. He claimed I was the guilty one when I didn't feel like going to one promised place because I simply didn't feel like going there. In the opposite, I felt he was selfish because he picked the promised place just because it was near to the next place he needed to visit. If you are about to eat out, why would you select food you don't like? You want to feel good afterwards. So why a strange place?

Again, it's about eating habit. But who is selfish? Me?

I really don't understand people who are privileged, with a driver and a comfortable car would not be willing to pick someone up just because it's a jam? Why would someone do that? I don't get it. 

So, I have been in this position so many times now. I just feel disappointed with everything. It doesn't really do with the selfish part, or the privilege part, it's just disappointing. 

No More Rituals?

I found it surprising that after you have gone through a lot of things, you then take a ritual a bit boring or such a crap. I thought graduation was gonna be a highly awaited moments; a moment you step back from your daily routines to get in touch with your family members, friends, lovers, relatives or basically just everyone. It is divine moment to celebrate your hard work for certain years. However, it didn't feel that way to me. 

It is not clear either if it happened because I already work just after I finalized my thesis, or because I had a fight with my dad, get out of my house (which was probably why he didn't show up for my grad), I just didn't feel as excited as I thought I was gonna be. It was pretty flat. It was okay, but it wasn't 'that' meaningful to me. So guess what happened? Yes, I skipped the ceremony. Perhaps because I was disappointed to not reach the top gpa out of my faculty, but who cares anyway? I just felt it was not as appealing as I hoped. 

Perhaps, it was the fact that I didn't find rituals important. Who knows?

Nevertheless, I want to thank everyone who made it special anyhow. My one and only Boni, Meilani, all the crews, Beki, Vera, my mom and little brother, Jason, and everyone who stayed dear in my hearts - all of my beloved friends although I didn't manage to find any (I left early- and arrived too late).

You made my day, and my four years, even my whole life special. Endless thanks for that.

Stay hopeful, and things will get better..

Congratulations, Gadis! You are officially a bachelor now!