Resistance

Sometimes, I am so confused. Why are humans so resistant to changes? Real changes. Why do they stay in their comfort zones? Like me, I hardly change, even for good cause. What kind of human is that? We are privileged because of our ability to take rational choices. If it was for good cause, why would we still be that resistant towards certain possible benefits?

Do I deserve this?

I don't really know what to feel. Somehow I think every thing that happened to me was unfair. Yet, another part of me senses that it is what I deserve for each wrongdoing. I want to escape from all these. I am suffocating, I can't breathe. 

Hairdresser

Feeling so stressed out, I suddenly decided to cut my hair short, and so I went to the nearest beauty salon. It was a crazy decision I made so quick. When it was done, I was quite shock seeing the hairdresser left just a little hair gliding around my head. 

But, as most of people would do, I just sighed and tried to feel strong knowing that my long hair was gone. I tried to convince myself that it would soon grow and there's no need to be panicking. So I shifted my mind to something else, the hairdresser. I began to think how she had been witnessing big moments when people finally saw what she had worked on. Big moments, because, like myself, I did it out of stress. Some might did out of love, or commitment, or overcoming fear, and the list might go on. 

Having your hair cut, or colored, permed, and else is actually a life-changing moment. Some people did it because they felt dissatisfied with their own selves, or they wanted to become somebody else, these hairdressers would find out when they see people's eyes, to know if they feel happy with the new look or not. That, without notice, would determine if she'd be okay or not. 

Indeed, it is a big moment for both. It's no simple job like people used to say. Just like a doctor, they witnessed some amazing times. At least in my humble opinion. 

Rest in Peace

The death of one Indonesian comedian, Tata Dado, really made me reflect. The death itself was due to a complication he'd been suffering since a year ago, when he was hit by stroke the first time because of diabetes and high blood pressure. As if it weren't enough, he also had lung disfunction that made him struggled to do as simple as eat or communicate. 

I said to myself (who also had too much cholesterol in such early age), that I don't want to die the same way he did. Not that I don't respect him, but I don't want to suffer that much. I seriously do not have the courage seeing my closest people aching when they take care of me. 

Prohibiting myself from certain food is definitely one way of doing so. I have succeeded two months ago on my effort lowering the cholesterol count for 20 points. However, I stopped doing it just because I felt tired. In some other ways, my special guy also kept on telling me how we should appreciate life, by eating whatever served in front of us that time, how we should believe that everything served would only give benefits and not the other way around. 

So yes, I stopped. But my goosebumps were hitting on me again when I read the news and watched the video of the comedian. Would your faith save your ass from stroke? Really?

Well, I am not a great role model whom people can look up too in terms of faith. I tend to be very shallow in it and yes I am ashamed of it. It is always a big dilemma for people like me, or people in general, to follow the heart or the rational brain. My heart tells me that if I am faithful, I truly believe in the moral principle of goodness, I would end up find. Nevertheless, my brain tells me that if I ever eat those "stuffs" again, which practically what I am doing now, I would get near his experience, which wasn't okay at all. 

It's a classic dilemma, indeed. The neutral would say, "Come on, watch your food and follow your heart. That's all you need to do. There's no black and white." Hmmmmm, easy to say, but the crossroads are there. The questions remained.

Nonetheless, it is so much better to wish that he would be in a place where he could feel no pain. Rest in peace, Mr. Tata Dado. 

Menengok Masa Lalu

Aku tahu kini, bahwa hari-hari yang kita lewati kini berbeda dari apa yang kita miliki dulu. Kasih terus bertumbuh, dan kita tidak lagi berjalan di tempat. 

Falling

Had I not met you, life would have been different. I am wondering how different it would've been. Am just certain I like it better when you are around. 

Pulang

Roman dengan latar sejarah memang menjadi kesukaanku sejak lama. Namun, ternyata gampang-gampang sulit untuk menemukan penulis yang rima dan iramanya tepat di hati, yang diksinya ringan, tetapi tetap mengena sasaran, sembari membuatku berimajinasi kembali pada waktu tempo dulu, ke sejarah yang belum, atau baru melahirkan aku. Di situlah kurasakan betul bagaimana Leila S. Chudori berhasil membuatku tak rela meninggalkan halaman-halaman tersisa kala membaca buku "Pulang" ini. Aku benar-benar terbuai, masuk ke dalam aroma cerita yang mencekam, tragis, tetapi juga mengandung humor. 

Seusai membaca kisah Dimas Suryo, seorang eksil politik yang hingga akhir hayatnya tidak berhasil pulang karena diskriminasi Pemerintahan Orde Baru, beserta kawan-kawan yang bernasib hampir serupa, aku pun membayangkan betapa kejamnya negeri yang dicintai penduduknya ini. Kemanusiaan seolah hilang, terlebih jika mengetahui bahwa cerita "korban" semacam ini tidak pernah diketahui banyak pihak (tentunya karena ada yang dahulu melarang atau memang karena sejarah kita telah tertutup oleh kekuasaan Sang Jenderal - atau lebih tepatnya ditutup). 

Aku sadar juga bahwa ada masalah krusial yang menimpa kurikulum pendidikan di negara ini. Bahwa aku amat sedikit bersentuhan dengan sastra, yang kurasa juga dialami kakak dan adikku (di mana generasi kami telah jauh terpaut), membuktikan bahwa kurikulum tidak mengajak kami untuk mengenal para pujangga, memaksakan kami untuk membaca, bahkan meresapi sejarah kelam yang menyelimuti seluruh negeri. Ada paradigma jawa-sentris yang lekat dengan sejarah Indonesia, ada tangan besi yang membuat cerita tidak lagi berdasarkan fakta melainkan rekayasa. Yang terparah, ada budaya untuk tidak membaca dan mengenal tanah air dengan segala lika-likunya. 

Pendidikan sekarang, entah bagaimana, entah berfokus kemana, tidak mampu melahirkan masyarakat yang beradab, ataupun beradat. Dan itu membuat ngilu. Membuatku cemas dan terus-menerus dilanda kegelisahan. Aku ingin berbuat sesuatu, entah harus mulai dari mana.

Novel ini jelas membangkitkan kesadaran yang walaupun sedari mula ada, tetapi kini kian segar dan terpacu. Di situlah letak nilai tambah yang disajikan karya ini, yang semoga turut menginspirasi kawan lain.